The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney

Feb 19, 2024 1h 36m 20 insights
Dr. Karen Gurney, a clinical psychologist and psychosexologist, debunks common myths about sex and desire. She explains how societal scripts, distraction, and lack of communication impact sexual satisfaction, offering practical advice for improving intimacy in long-term relationships, especially for parents.
Actionable Insights

1. Create a Culture of Sex Talk

Make talking about sex a frequent, low-pressure norm in your relationship, as it’s highly correlated with long-term sexual and relationship satisfaction and allows for growth.

2. Understand Responsive Desire

Recognize that desire often emerges after beginning sexual activity or exposure to sexual stimuli, rather than waiting for spontaneous desire, which helps overcome the “waiting to feel like it” barrier.

3. Increase Sexual Currency

Engage in non-sexual but intimate acts like passionate kissing, flirtatious texts, or being naked together without pressure for sex. This nurtures the sexual relationship, triggers desire, and meets sexual needs.

4. Prioritize Kissing for Desire

Kiss more for kissing’s sake, not just as part of sex or initiation, as kissing is a powerful way to trigger desire and meet sexual needs that often declines in long-term relationships.

5. Schedule Physical Intimacy, Not Sex

Instead of scheduling sex, which creates pressure, schedule brief moments of physical intimacy (e.g., bath together, lounging naked). These acts serve as sexual stimuli to trigger desire without obligation.

6. Practice Mindfulness for Sex

Cultivate mindfulness to improve attention during sex, as distraction turns down arousal and pleasure, while focused attention enhances physical response and orgasms.

7. Address Stress Before Intimacy

Tackle root causes of stress or remove distractions before attempting intimacy, because worries activate the sympathetic nervous system, which switches off sexual response.

8. Initiate Often with Low Pressure

Adopt a “trivial and often” approach to sexual initiation, rather than rare, high-pressure attempts. This reduces the stakes and makes it easier to invite your partner into sexual activity or turn them down gently.

9. Learn to Turn Down Gently

When declining sex, do so gently and communicate that it’s not a reflection of your desire for your partner. This increases overall sexual satisfaction by reducing pressure and maintaining connection.

10. Communicate Arousal Non-Concordance

If physical arousal doesn’t match mental desire, communicate that the desire is present and shift focus to other sexually arousing activities. This reduces pressure and can allow physical arousal to return.

11. Focus on Quality Over Quantity

Prioritize quality, pleasurable, and connected sexual experiences over a perceived ideal number of encounters per week or month, as frequency does not correlate with sexual satisfaction.

12. Share Mental Load Equitably

In relationships with children, an equitable division of household labor and mental load correlates with higher sexual satisfaction, as resentment from unequal burden negatively impacts attraction and desire.

13. Prioritize Sleep for Sex Life

Aim for good sleep and share nighttime waking responsibilities (especially for parents), as sleep significantly increases the chances of having sex and supports sexual functioning.

14. Communicate Body Image Worries

Voice concerns about body changes (e.g., after childbirth) and their potential impact on attraction. Open communication can often alleviate unfounded fears and strengthen intimacy.

15. Start Sex Conversations Indirectly

Begin discussing sex-related topics outside your relationship (podcasts, films) to ease into it, reducing pressure and making it easier to eventually talk about your own sexual experiences.

16. Discuss Positive Sexual Experiences

After good sex or during emotionally connected moments, talk about what you liked and why. This reinforces positive experiences and builds comfort around sexual communication.

17. Define Relationship’s Sexual Personality

Discuss with your partner what makes your sex life feel most alive (e.g., thrill, predictability, intimacy, experimentation). This helps align expectations and foster a shared vision for your sexual relationship.

18. Challenge Sexual Scripts

Be aware that societal scripts (e.g., penis-vagina sex as the “main course,” men always being “up for it”) often don’t align with reality or women’s pleasure, leading to more fulfilling sexual exploration.

19. Address Pet Distractions

Be aware that pets can be a significant distraction during sex, potentially ruining the mood, and consider keeping them out of the room during intimate moments if they cause disruption.

20. View Monogamy as a Choice

Understand that humans are not inherently designed for lifelong monogamy without effort. If choosing monogamy, be conscious of the need for novelty, communication, and effort to maintain sexual interest and satisfaction.