The Single Biggest Killer Of Relationships: Lewis Howes

Apr 14, 2022 1h 33m 15 insights
Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete and New York Times bestselling author, discusses his journey of healing childhood trauma and sexual abuse. He shares insights on emotional regulation, fostering authentic relationships by prioritizing self and mission, and the power of facing fears for personal growth.
Actionable Insights

1. Heal Inner Child Wounds

Engage in inner child healing, potentially with a therapist, to address past traumas and break repeating patterns like people-pleasing. Use visual aids, such as a photo of your younger self, to connect with and reparent that wounded part of your mind, reassuring it that your adult self can handle challenges.

2. Prioritize Self, Mission, Then Partner

Clearly communicate your life priorities early in a relationship: first, your health; second, your mission or calling; and third, your partner. This establishes authentic expectations and attracts a partner who respects your purpose, leading to a more fulfilling relationship for both.

3. Practice Proactive Relationship Therapy

Engage in therapy or deep relationship discussions with your partner when things are going well, not just when problems arise. This proactive approach, like going to the gym to stay healthy, helps strengthen the relationship by discussing expectations, values, and visions before conflicts escalate.

4. Master Emotional Regulation

Learn to regulate your emotions to prevent reactive or explosive behaviors stemming from unhealed childhood wounds. This skill is crucial for maintaining peace in relationships and preventing impulsive actions that can have long-lasting negative consequences.

5. Don’t Compromise Authentic Self

Avoid abandoning your authentic self or compromising your core values to create peace or make a partner happy in a relationship. True love involves accepting each other for who you are, and sacrificing your essence leads to resentment, anger, and an inauthentic connection.

6. Cultivate Uncomfortable Conversations

Regularly practice having uncomfortable conversations with your partner to build a safe space for honesty and vulnerability. The more you engage in these discussions without reactive outbursts, the stronger your trust and emotional connection will become.

7. Take Full Personal Responsibility

Take full responsibility for your choices in relationships, including who you choose, why you stay, and how you react. This mindset empowers you to address your own part in relationship dynamics rather than blaming others, fostering personal growth and self-respect.

8. Embrace Fear for Growth

Consistently choose to confront your fears rather than retreating to comfort. Short-term discomfort from facing fears (e.g., public speaking, vulnerability) leads to significant long-term growth, confidence, and new opportunities, while avoidance results in prolonged, low-level pain.

9. Define Values, Vision, Lifestyle

Clearly define and discuss your individual and shared values, visions (for personal life, mission, and the relationship), and desired lifestyle with your partner. This alignment helps identify compatibility and potential friction points, fostering a more harmonious partnership.

10. Seek Emotional Accountability

Treat your emotional well-being with the same seriousness as physical health or business success by seeking a coach, mentor, or therapist. This provides a consistent space for processing emotions, preventing issues from piling up, and ensuring healthy emotional regulation.

11. Communicate Vulnerabilities as Men

Challenge societal norms by openly communicating your shame, guilt, and insecurities, especially as a man. Being vulnerable can inspire other men to heal and regulate their emotions, reducing reactive behaviors and fostering healthier relationships.

12. Evaluate Parental Relationships

Assess your relationship with your parents on a scale of one to ten. If it’s not above a seven, take responsibility for your part and initiate communication to heal unspoken issues, as life can change in a moment and leave regrets.

13. Develop Self-Awareness (DIY)

If professional therapy is not accessible, read books like ‘How to Do the Work’ by Nicole LaPera for self-guided exercises like journaling and meditation. Additionally, confide in a trusted individual with wisdom, such as a priest, parent, teacher, or friend.

14. Live a Mission-Driven Life

Establish a clear, measurable mission for your life to provide focus and guide your decisions. This mission helps you prioritize opportunities, decide what to say yes or no to, and ensures your efforts align with your ultimate purpose.

15. Heal Generational Trauma

Actively work to heal any traumas or unaddressed issues passed down through your family line. By processing these wounds, you prevent them from being unconsciously transmitted to your own children and future generations.