World Leading Sex Therapist - How To Avoid Having Bad Sex - Kate Moyle

Mar 22, 2021 1h 37m 12 insights
This episode features sex and relationship therapist Kate Moyle discussing taboo topics like sexual anxiety, low libido, and communication challenges in relationships. She shares insights on maintaining an exciting sex life, understanding sexual compatibility, and managing unrealistic expectations.
Actionable Insights

1. Challenge Unrealistic Expectations

The single biggest killer of relationships is unrealistic expectations, often fueled by media. Don’t expect one partner to meet all your needs; recognize that other relationships (family, friends) also contribute to your well-being.

2. Prioritize Open Communication

Communication is the top principle for a great sexual relationship, even though it’s often scary and less actionable. It involves speaking from your own perspective (“I feel…”) rather than blaming (“You…”).

3. Talk About Sex Outside Bedroom

Have sensitive sexual conversations with your partner outside the immediate sexual context to reduce stress and anxiety. Use external resources like books or podcasts as springboards for discussion.

4. Reframe Sexual Desire Variability

Understand that sexual desire is not a fixed amount but is context-dependent and changes over time. This reframing reduces pressure and allows for a more pleasure-focused approach.

5. Seek Explanation, Avoid Assumption

When facing perceived sexual rejection or issues, avoid internalizing it as a personal failing. Instead, move from assumption to explanation by having a conversation to understand what’s truly happening.

6. Make Small Changes Every Time

To keep sex fresh and exciting, make small, accessible changes rather than feeling intimidated by massive overhauls. This breaks routine and encourages presence, like changing the lighting or using lube.

7. Give Positive Sexual Feedback

When discussing sexual preferences, lead with a positive affirmation and focus on what you like more of rather than what your partner is doing wrong. This fosters openness and affirmation in intimate conversations.

8. Avoid Goal-Oriented Sex

Focusing on a specific outcome (like orgasm) as a “goal” can create a pass/fail model, leading to anxiety and hindering pleasure. Instead, focus on enjoying the sensations and the moment.

9. Seek Professional Help

Don’t feel embarrassed to seek help from a sexual therapist for problems, as they often have psychological or emotional roots, not just medical. This normalizes addressing sexual challenges.

10. Compromise is Crucial

Recognize that successful relationships require compromise, even for individuals accustomed to setting their own agenda (e.g., entrepreneurs). This means balancing independence and dependence in personal life.

11. Understand Diverse Sex Purposes

Recognize that people have sex for a wide range of reasons beyond procreation (e.g., pleasure, connection, love, warmth). Understanding these diverse motivations helps in understanding your own and your partner’s sexual experiences.

12. Combat Sexual Anxiety, Isolation

Shame thrives in silence. Talking about sexual struggles with a trusted person (therapist, friend, partner) helps combat feelings of isolation and the belief that you are “broken.”