A Matter of Life and Death
Dr. Laurie Santos, a thanatophobe, explores confronting death with psychologist Jodi Wellman and death doula Alua Arthur. They discuss how embracing mortality can lead to a more fulfilling life, offering actionable strategies to overcome the fear of death and live with greater purpose and gratitude.
Deep Dive Analysis
17 Topic Outline
Attending a Death Cafe and Initial Reactions
Understanding Thanatophobia and its Negative Impacts
Introduction to Jodi Wellman and 'You Only Die Once'
Jodi Wellman's Personal Journey to Death Awareness
The Ancient Practice of Memento Mori
Psychological Benefits of Facing Mortality
The Life Calculator Exercise for Mortality Awareness
Introduction to Death Doula Alua Arthur
Alua Arthur's Path to Becoming a Death Doula
Understanding the Role of a Death Doula
Finding Meaning and Gratitude Through Death Awareness
The Psychological Immune System and Adapting to Uncertainty
Embracing All Aspects of Life, Including Difficulties
Recognizing Dying as an Ongoing Process
Exercises for Cultivating Death Awareness
Summary of Psychological Benefits from Death Awareness
Reflections on the Season's Learnings
4 Key Concepts
Thanatophobia
Thanatophobia is the fear of death, which can manifest as health anxiety, avoidance of financial planning, and a general inability to confront one's own mortality. This fear is reported as a top terror for many people, even surpassing public speaking.
Memento Mori
Memento Mori is a Latin phrase meaning 'remember that we must die,' referring to the ancient practice of intentionally thinking about one's mortality. This practice has roots in religion, philosophy, art, and fashion, serving as a subtle reminder of our temporary nature.
Death Doula
A death doula is a professional who provides non-medical care and support to dying individuals throughout the entire process of approaching death. They help people plan, prepare, clarify values, and navigate the emotional and practical aspects of mortality.
Psychological Immune System
The psychological immune system is a concept describing our unconscious capacity to adapt and thrive through uncertain or threatening life events, such as divorce, scary diagnoses, or struggles at work. It protects our mental health by helping us adjust to difficult circumstances.
5 Questions Answered
Thanatophobia is the fear of death, which can lead to health anxiety, avoidance of financial planning, and a general inability to confront one's own mortality, negatively impacting happiness.
People who have near-death experiences often gain clarity, prioritize friends and family, become more discerning about how they spend their time, and are more inclined to help others, leading to a re-evaluation of what truly matters.
A death doula is a professional who provides non-medical care and support to dying individuals, helping them plan, prepare, clarify values, and navigate the emotional and practical aspects of their approaching mortality.
Humans possess a 'psychological immune system' that unconsciously helps them adapt and thrive through uncertain or threatening life events, including the eventual confrontation with their own death, by protecting their mental health.
Yes, research shows that vividly imagining a near-death scenario can lead to more generous behavior and increased gratitude, while reminding college seniors of their limited time left at university increased their happiness and activity levels.
20 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace All Life Experiences
Embrace all experiences, including tough emotions like sadness, anxiety, and fear, rather than pushing them away, as they are part of what it means to be human and to love life fully.
2. Confront Life’s Shortness
Face up to the shortness of life to ensure you live your short life well, as avoiding mortality can be detrimental to happiness and living fully.
3. Take Action for Change
Don’t wait for miraculous changes; actively do something to move from an uninspiring situation to one that inspires you, rather than expecting things to happen.
4. Practice Memento Mori
Intentionally think about your mortality, a practice known as memento mori, to serve as a subtle reminder of your temporary existence and motivate living well.
5. Calculate Remaining Mondays
Calculate your remaining Mondays by subtracting your current age from the average life expectancy and multiplying by 52, to create a finite sense of time and prompt reflection.
6. Prompt Action with Mortality
Use the unsettling feeling from mortality awareness as a catalyst to take desired actions, ensuring you make the best use of your limited time.
7. Act Despite Doubts
Overcome doubts and take action on important plans (like a business plan or screenplay) by recognizing that life is short and there’s nothing to lose by trying.
8. Schedule Valued Activities
Actively schedule activities and time with people and places that light you up, especially after realizing the finite nature of your remaining time.
9. Refine Social Time
Be discerning about who you spend your time with, prioritizing those who enliven you and opting to spend less or no time with those who de-energize you.
10. Help Others More
Help others more often, as this practice, often prompted by brushes with mortality, is a proven way to improve your overall well-being.
11. Imagine Comforting Unknowns
When faced with uncertainty, especially about death, choose to imagine scenarios that bring comfort and make you feel good, rather than flooding it with dread and fear.
12. Apply Adaptability to Death
Recognize your inherent mastery at navigating life’s unknowns and apply this same adaptive perspective to the process of dying, trusting your psychological immune system.
13. Reframe Tough Days
Reframe tough days and difficult feelings as simply part of the human experience, which can provide support and grace during challenging times.
14. Go on a “Death Safari”
Take a walk and intentionally notice all the signs of dying and impermanence in your environment, like wilting flowers or rotting fruit, to foster a sense of awe and connectedness.
15. Observe Aging in Mirror
Spend time looking at your aging body in the mirror, observing changes without judgment, but rather with awe and curiosity, to acknowledge the temporary nature of your physical form.
16. Affirm Mortality in Mirror
Look yourself in the eyes in a mirror and repeat “I am going to die” two or three times, taking deep breaths between repetitions, as a brave dose of death awareness.
17. Use a Mortality Reminder
Acquire and use a physical item, such as a coin, ring, or ceramic skull, as a constant, subtle reminder of your mortality.
18. Execute Dreams and Plans
Avoid reaching the end of life with unexecuted dreams, hopes, and plans by actively pursuing them now.
19. Attend a Death Cafe
Attend a death cafe, a community gathering where strangers discuss their mortality candidly over tea and cake, to openly talk about death and gain new perspectives.
20. Listen to Solved Podcast
Listen to “Solved with Mark Manson” wherever you get podcasts or visit solvedpodcast.com to understand the science behind human behavior and get practical insights on big questions like happiness and procrastination.
3 Key Quotes
I imagine one that brings me some comfort. I imagine something that makes me feel good about it because I don't know and we can't know. And what we tend to do is flood the uncertainty with dread and fear. And the opposite could also be true.
Alua Arthur
If I'm going to love my life, I've got to love it all.
Alua Arthur
Mortality is a bummer, and thinking about it does feel like a gut punch. But the science shows it's a gut punch with a whole host of psychological benefits, ones that I'm beginning to notice and appreciate.
Dr. Laurie Santos
4 Protocols
Life Calculator Exercise
Jodi Wellman- Start with the average U.S. life expectancy (just over 80 for women, just under 80 for men).
- Subtract your current age from the life expectancy.
- Multiply that number by 52.
- The result is the approximate number of Mondays you have left.
Death Walk Exercise
Alua Arthur- Take your usual path (e.g., a morning walk).
- Intentionally notice all the signs of dying in your environment that you normally ignore (e.g., wilted flowers, rotting fruit, commemorative plaques).
Mirror Exercise for Aging Acceptance
Alua Arthur- Spend time in the mirror looking at yourself and your body.
- Notice the aging and changes occurring without judgment, approaching them with awe and curiosity.
Confronting Mortality Mirror Exercise
Alua Arthur- Look at yourself directly in the eyeballs in a mirror.
- Repeat to yourself, 'I'm going to die,' two or three times, taking deep breaths in between.