Ask Us Anything! Laurie and Gretchen Take Your Questions (Live from Toronto)
Dr. Laurie Santos and bestselling author and podcaster Gretchen Rubin discuss happiness at the Hot Docs Festival. They answer audience questions on navigating "survival mode," fostering social connections, and finding joy in a challenging world, emphasizing individual actions and connection.
Deep Dive Analysis
10 Topic Outline
Introduction to Live Q&A with Gretchen Rubin
Strategies for Coping with Survival Mode
Overcoming Negative Thoughts and Rumination
The U.S. Surgeon General's Focus on Social Connection
The 'Under Sociality' Instinct and Social Engagement
Impact of Happiness Courses on Student Well-being
Individual Happiness and Global Social Justice
Finding Solace Amidst Grief and Sadness Through Senses
Unpublished Research and Experiences from 'Life in Five Senses'
Common Misconceptions About Happiness
5 Key Concepts
Common Humanity
A strategy for self-compassion, where you recognize that your struggles and negative emotions are normative and shared by many others, reducing feelings of isolation or personal failure.
RAIN Meditation
A meditation practice by Tara Brach for processing negative emotions, involving four steps: Recognize the emotion, Allow it to be present, Investigate its sensations, and Nurture yourself.
Hedonic Prediction
The human tendency to mispredict what will make us happy. Often, people underestimate the positive impact of social connection and overestimate the enjoyment of solitude or certain self-care activities.
Under Sociality
An instinct where individuals tend to withdraw and become less social when having a tough day, despite research suggesting that social connection is often what they most need to feel better.
Feel Good, Do Good Effect
A phenomenon where being in a more positive mood or feeling happier leads individuals to engage in more pro-social behaviors and do more nice things for other people.
8 Questions Answered
By remembering they are not alone and their feelings are normal (common humanity), and by allowing themselves to experience emotions rather than suppressing them, using practices like RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture).
The key is to get out of self-focused thoughts by using third-person self-talk (e.g., 'Laurie, you've got a tough thing going on') or by asking 'What would a wise person like Batman/Beyonce/my mom do?'
It shines a crucial spotlight on loneliness and social disconnection as major public health issues, reinforcing the long-established importance of human connection for both mental and physical health, even more so after the pandemic.
Recognize that our hedonic predictions about social connection are often inaccurate; even when we predict social interaction will be awkward or unpleasant, it often results in a happiness benefit, so pushing yourself a little (e.g., 15% more) can be beneficial.
Studies on happiness courses show a small but significant boost in happiness (about one point on a 10-point scale) from before to after the course, with effects lasting at least three to six months, suggesting that learned practices can stick.
When individuals are happier and in a more positive mood, they are more likely to engage in pro-social actions and have the bandwidth to address structural problems in the world, rather than being too overwhelmed by their own struggles.
Do not deny or suppress grief, but use the five senses to find solace and comfort, such as engaging with nature or art to experience moments of transcendence and awe, or focusing on tiny, immediate sensory pleasures like the warmth of a coffee mug.
People often mistakenly believe there is one 'right' or 'best' way to achieve happiness, failing to recognize that happiness is highly individual and requires personal experimentation. Additionally, our minds frequently lie to us about what will truly make us happy, leading to incorrect intuitions.
12 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Human Connection
Actively seek to broaden, deepen, and improve the quality of your social connections. This is a centerpiece for a happy life, impacting both mental and physical health, as loneliness has severe negative health effects comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
2. Push Past Social Mispredictions
Recognize that your intuition often mispredicts how much you’ll enjoy social interactions; even when you feel like isolating, push yourself to engage with others a little more (e.g., 15% more). Research shows social connection almost always feels better than expected, providing a happiness benefit.
3. Prioritize Sufficient Sleep
Aim for adequate sleep, recognizing that your mind might tell you you can function on less (e.g., 5 hours), but research shows this is not true and significantly impacts well-being. Lack of sleep severely impacts mental and physical health, even if you feel you’ve ’trained yourself’ to cope.
4. Embrace Common Humanity
When in survival mode or experiencing negative emotions, remember you’re not failing or screwing up, as these feelings are normative and shared by many. This strategy fosters self-compassion and prevents self-blame during difficult times.
5. Allow Negative Emotions (RAIN)
Practice RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) to process negative emotions instead of suppressing them. Recognize the feeling, allow it to be present, investigate its physical sensations, and nurture yourself with kindness or a pleasant sensory experience.
6. Schedule Time to Worry
Designate specific times (e.g., once a week or daily, but not before sleep) to intentionally worry or think through problems. This allows you to feel free during non-worry times and ensures you address anxieties constructively when scheduled.
7. Use Distanced Self-Talk
When ruminating or being self-critical, refer to yourself in the third person (e.g., ‘Laurie, you’re going through a tough time’) or second person. This creates psychological distance, making your brain perceive it as wise counsel from a friend, reducing the pain of overthinking.
8. Ask ‘What Would X Do?’
If distanced self-talk isn’t enough, ask yourself ‘What would [wise person/role model] do?’ (e.g., Batman, Beyonce, your mom). This further helps to get out of self-focused rumination by adopting an external, wise perspective.
9. Cultivate Happiness for World Impact
Engage in strategies that boost your individual happiness and positive mood. Happier individuals are more likely to engage in ‘feel good, do good’ behaviors, taking action on societal problems rather than being disengaged.
10. Use Senses During Grief
When grieving, intentionally engage your five senses, especially through nature, to find moments of transcendence, awe, and tiny pleasures (e.g., taste of coffee, feel of a hot shower). This provides solace and comfort, offering respite from pain without denying the grief.
11. Conduct Personal Happiness Experiments
Recognize there’s no single ‘right way’ to happiness; experiment with different strategies, considering your unique nature, interests, and values. Your personal experience is the most important data point for what truly works for you.
12. Recognize Mind’s Misconceptions
Understand that your brain often gives you wrong intuitions about what will make you happier (e.g., preferring solitude over social connection). Recognizing these misconceptions allows you to tweak behavior and discover more effective paths to happiness.
6 Key Quotes
Negative emotions are normative. We're supposed to feel frustrated and angry and scared and anxious at a lot of different times.
Laurie Santos
Saying that you're lonely is the equivalent health effect on your longevity of smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
Laurie Santos
If you could just push yourself like 15% more, you might end up happier.
Laurie Santos
When you are feeling happier, usually measured if you're in a more positive mood, you wind up doing more nice stuff for other people.
Laurie Santos
There is no one right way. It's only what works for the individual and that each of us has to have, create our own happiness project for ourselves.
Gretchen Rubin
Our minds lie to us about so much... by and large, a lot of those intuitions are wrong.
Laurie Santos
2 Protocols
RAIN Meditation for Negative Emotions
Laurie Santos (describing Tara Brach's practice)- Recognize: Acknowledge the feeling (e.g., 'I'm feeling like I'm in survival mode right now').
- Allow: Just allow that feeling to be present.
- Investigate: Notice what your body is doing (e.g., tension, cravings) and pay attention for 5-10 minutes.
- Nurture: Do something nice for yourself (e.g., take something off your plate, call a friend, curate a sense).
Scheduling Time to Worry
Gretchen Rubin- Schedule a specific time to worry (e.g., once a week or daily, but not before sleep).
- If worries arise outside that scheduled time, tell yourself to postpone them until your designated worry time.
- During your scheduled worry time, actively engage with your worries, such as making a list of things to do or thinking them through.