Big Bird Has Big Feelings
Dr. Laurie Santos and Big Bird discuss managing big feelings like disappointment, anger, and sadness. They explore how emotions are vital signals and offer practical strategies for adults and children, including emotional self-regulation, coping kits, and sensory grounding techniques.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Introduction to Big Feelings and Their Purpose
Big Bird's Disappointment and the Nature of Feelings
Why We Shouldn't Suppress Difficult Emotions
Emotional Signals: Lessons from Unpleasant Feelings
Teaching Emotional Self-Regulation to Children
Adult Challenges in Regulating Emotions as Parents
Advanced Preparation for Emotional Management
The Emotional Weather Coping Kit
Physiological Hacks for Emotional Regulation
The Role of Social Support in Managing Big Feelings
The Glitter Jar Technique for Calming Emotions
The 5-4-3-2-1 Sensory Grounding Game
Conclusion: Preparing for Emotional Weather
6 Key Concepts
Disappointment
Disappointment is the feeling experienced when something doesn't happen the way one wanted it to, such as when plans are ruined by unexpected events like bad weather.
Emotional Self-Regulation
This is the process of learning how to manage one's emotionality and take care of oneself when experiencing big emotions. It's considered a critical life skill, especially for young people, to help them navigate difficult experiences.
Emotional Vocabulary
This refers to the words people use to describe their feelings. Building a wide and detailed emotional vocabulary is important because labeling emotions can help reduce their intensity and sting.
Autonomic Nervous System
This system governs big feelings like anger and fear, preparing the body for emergencies. It has two parts: the parasympathetic system (rest and digest) and the sympathetic system (fight or flight).
Parasympathetic Nervous System
This part of the autonomic nervous system is responsible for the body's 'rest and digest' mode. Slow, deep breathing can help activate it, thereby dialing down the stress caused by the sympathetic nervous system.
Sympathetic Nervous System
This part of the autonomic nervous system is responsible for the 'fight or flight' response. It speeds up heart rate, makes skin crawl, and dilates pupils when experiencing strong emotions like anger or fear.
7 Questions Answered
Difficult emotions are vital signals, much like physical pain, that teach us important lessons about what's going on and what needs attention. Avoiding them prevents us from learning to cope and understanding our unmet needs.
Emotional self-regulation is the process of learning how to manage one's big feelings and take care of oneself. It's crucial for children because those who struggle with it tend to have worse relationships, suffer academically, and face a higher risk of developing emotional disorders later in life.
Adults should recognize that big emotions like anger or irritability are signals of unmet needs, such as lack of sleep or feeling undervalued. It's important to slow down and identify these underlying needs before reacting to situations.
Caregivers should explicitly acknowledge a child's big feeling and then suggest possible labels like 'sad,' 'frustrated,' or 'disappointed,' helping them build a wide and detailed vocabulary to describe what they are feeling.
Engaging with physical sensations like smell, touch, or even cold water can trick the brain into focusing on the physical experience rather than the overwhelming emotion, helping to ground an individual and reduce emotional intensity.
Slow, deep belly breaths activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for 'rest and digest' mode. This helps to decrease heart rate, reduce physical tension, and bring more clarity, counteracting the body's 'fight or flight' response.
Talking about big feelings with others makes them feel less heavy, reduces feelings of isolation and shame, and can provide a sense of common humanity, along with valuable advice or support.
22 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace All Feelings
Recognize that no emotions are inherently bad; it’s our reactions that matter. Allow yourself to experience all feelings as they are a fundamental part of being human.
2. Heed Emotional Signals
Pay attention to your feelings because they serve as vital signals, like pain, indicating that something important is happening or an unmet need exists, prompting you to address it.
3. Don’t Avoid Difficult Emotions
Avoid suppressing or running away from scary feelings, as facing them teaches you resilience and the ability to overcome challenges, often with support.
4. Share Big Feelings with Others
Do not face big feelings alone; talk with others about them to lighten the emotional load, reduce feelings of isolation, and foster a sense of common humanity.
5. Seek Advice from Wise Friends
Share your emotions with trusted friends or mentors to gain advice and perspective, a strategy beneficial for both children and adults when navigating challenging feelings.
6. Share Struggles to Release Shame
Openly share your struggles and admit when you don’t have all the answers, as this can build community and release the shame that often makes people feel stuck in their emotions.
7. Adults: Model Emotional Regulation
Adults should be prepared with strategies to manage their own big feelings, as children observe and learn from how their caregivers react to challenging emotional moments.
8. Interrogate Adult Big Emotions
For adults, recognize that big emotions like anger or irritability are signals of unmet needs (e.g., lack of sleep, feeling undervalued, needing more help). Use these emotions as clues to identify underlying issues.
9. Parents: Slow Down Overreactions
If you, as a parent, find your emotional responses are disproportionately large for a situation, slow down and investigate what underlying factors or unmet needs might be contributing to your heightened reaction.
10. Teach Emotional Self-Regulation Early
Explicitly teach children strategies for emotional self-regulation as early as possible, as managing big feelings is a critical life skill that impacts relationships, school performance, and mental health.
11. Coach Kids Through Emotions
When children experience big emotions, talk with them about their feelings, validate that it’s okay to feel that way, encourage them to breathe through the emotion, and allow themselves to experience it.
12. Acknowledge & Validate Kid’s Feelings
When children experience big emotions, explicitly acknowledge what they are feeling and validate that it is okay for them to feel that way, helping them feel understood.
13. Build Emotional Vocabulary (Kids)
Help children develop a wide and detailed emotional vocabulary by suggesting specific labels for their feelings (e.g., “sad,” “frustrated,” “disappointed”), which can reduce the intensity of the emotion.
14. Practice Coping Proactively
Practice emotional coping strategies before you experience an intense emotional attack, ensuring you are prepared and know how to access and use them effectively when needed.
15. Develop Emotional Coping Toolbox
Create a personal “toolbox” of strategies to manage your emotions, ensuring you are equipped to handle challenging moments and serve as a role model for children.
16. Create Emotional Coping Kit
Assemble an “emotional weather coping kit” with items like a stress ball, Play-Doh, favorite scents (lotion/candle), a puzzle book, or a cherished photo to use when big feelings strike, helping to regulate emotions through sensory engagement.
17. Practice Deep Belly Breathing
Practice deep belly breaths to dial down stress and calm big feelings, as slow breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting a rest and digest state.
18. Focus Breath to Reduce Overwhelm
Focus on your breath to slow down physiological responses like increased heart rate and tension, which can lead to greater clarity and reduce feelings of overwhelm during big emotions.
19. Move Your Body for Emotions
Engage in light physical activity, such as dancing or walking, to help regulate big feelings, as moving your body can make you feel more grounded and less emotionally volatile.
20. Use Cold Therapy for Emotions
When overwhelmed by a big emotion, apply cold therapy by running your wrists under cold water or holding an ice cube, as the physical sensation can distract your brain from emotional distress.
21. Use a Glitter Jar
Create a Glitter Jar (water, glue, glitter in a sealable jar) and shake it when big feelings arise; watching the glitter settle provides a focal point, a moment to pause, and physiologically calms the body.
22. Play 5-4-3-2-1 Game
Use the 5-4-3-2-1 game to shift focus from overwhelming emotions to your senses by listing five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
5 Key Quotes
No emotions and feelings are bad. It is really just our reactions and how we respond to them.
Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford
Our worry that we'll be swamped by the unpleasantness of big feelings is often exaggerated.
Dr. Laurie Santos
Children don't often have the words to describe what they're feeling, which is a problem because labeling our emotions often takes away some of their sting.
Dr. Rosemary Trulio
The key for a lot of these strategies is to practice them before you need them, right? Because you don't want to be having like an attack of big feelings and you're like, oh, why did I put that index card that I wrote that thing on?
Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford
There's no emotion that you are feeling that someone else has not felt.
Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford
3 Protocols
Emotional Weather Coping Kit
Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford- Gather items that engage your senses and provide comfort, such as a stress ball, Play-Doh, a favorite scent (lotion/candle), a puzzle book, or a picture of loved ones.
- Put all these items together in a box.
- When big emotions strike, open your kit and spend some time engaging with the items to help regulate your feelings.
Glitter Jar Technique
Dr. Rosemary Trulio, Dr. Laurie Santos- Fill a sealable jar or bottle with water, a little glue, and brightly colored glitter.
- When big feelings strike, grab the jar and shake it up, observing the swirling glitter as a representation of your feelings.
- Watch patiently as the glitter slowly settles to the bottom of the jar, which helps to calm your body down and provides a moment to pause and catch your breath.
- Use this settled state as an opportunity to talk about the big feeling you are experiencing.
5-4-3-2-1 Game
Dr. Laurie Santos- List five things you can see around you.
- List four things you can hear.
- List three things you can touch.
- List two things you can smell.
- List one thing you can taste.