“Can You Train Your Mind to Be Happier?” (with Dr Tal Ben-Shahar)
Dr Laurie Santos, Chandrika and Ranjan Tandon Professor of Psychology at Yale University and host of the Happiness Lab podcast, discusses with Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, founder of the Happiness Studies Academy, whether happiness can be trained, exploring scientific practices and societal factors.
Deep Dive Analysis
18 Topic Outline
Introduction to Happiness Studies and Guest Dr. Laurie Santos
Laurie Santos's Journey to Studying Happiness
The College Student Mental Health Crisis and Its Causes
Can Happiness Be Trained? Genes, Circumstances, and Behavior
Mindset Practices: Gratitude and Noticing Delights
Behavioral Changes: The Importance of Social Connection
Annoying Features of the Mind: Hedonic Adaptation
Strategies to Fight Hedonic Adaptation
The Three R's of Change: Reminders, Repetition, and Rituals
Cognitive Psychology and Organizational Behavior's Role in Happiness
Societal Solutions for Technology's Impact on Social Connection
The Importance of Meditation, Mindfulness, and Compassion
The Power of Expressing Gratitude to Others
Addressing Political Divides and Social Anxiety on Campuses
Happiness as a Personal and Moral Responsibility
Advice for Parents on Fostering Happiness in Children
Overcoming Loneliness Through Deeper Social Connection
The Impact of Random Acts of Kindness and Play
7 Key Concepts
Hedonic Adaptation
This is the mind's tendency to get used to good things over time, causing even the best circumstances to stop having a strong positive impact. It means that repeated positive experiences can become boring or go unnoticed.
Negativity Bias
This refers to the brain's inherent tendency to focus on and lock onto negative information or experiences. It requires intentional effort to shift focus towards positive aspects of life.
Third Spaces
These are places that are neither home nor work, designed for people from different backgrounds to gather, interact, and build social connections, often without needing to purchase anything. Examples include rotary clubs, churches, sports leagues, and even saunas.
Under-sociality
This is a phenomenon where individuals tend to underestimate the positive effects and benefits of social interaction. People often predict social interactions will be awkward or negative, but in reality, they lead to greater happiness and connection.
Beautiful Mess Effect
This psychological effect suggests that showing vulnerability or appearing a little needy can actually enhance one's likability to others. It counters the intuition that vulnerability makes one seem weaker or less appealing.
Deep Canvassing
A strategy for engaging in tough conversations, especially across political divides, by focusing on 'perspective getting' rather than 'perspective giving.' It involves asking people about their personal experiences of marginalization or not belonging, then connecting those experiences to the topic at hand.
Selffulness
This concept describes the pursuit of happiness as neither selfish nor selfless, but rather as a state where taking care of oneself enables one to better care for others, and vice-versa. It suggests an upward spiral of goodness and happiness through mutual care.
14 Questions Answered
The crisis is attributed to increased ambition and stress over grades and careers at the expense of well-being, significant changes in technology leading to less social connection and more loneliness, and a general cultural shift away from prioritizing happiness.
Happiness is a combination of both; about 30% of the variation in happiness is due to genes, but there's a large window for change through altering behaviors and mindsets, rather than solely relying on circumstances.
Engaging in gratitude by writing down things you're grateful for daily, or a lighter version of noticing small 'delights,' can train your brain to focus on positive aspects and counteract the negativity bias.
Engaging in more social connection, from spending time with loved ones to micro-interactions like talking to a barista, is critical, as happy people tend to be more social.
Small moments of positive interaction, like a smile or brief conversation, create in-the-moment positive feelings that accumulate over time, building a broader sense of connection and satisfaction, especially when they become habits.
One of the worst features is 'hedonic adaptation,' where we get used to good things over time and stop noticing their positive impact, causing even the best circumstances to become boring.
Intentional practices like gratitude (forcibly training attention to notice good things) and negative visualization (imagining life without something good to appreciate what you have) can help overcome hedonic adaptation.
Cognitive psychology helps understand that people often have misconceptions about what makes them happy (e.g., believing circumstances or money are primary drivers), and happiness often requires fighting these 'lies' of the mind by changing behaviors and mindsets.
Societies need to create more 'third spaces' (places for diverse people to interact outside home/work) and consider regulating technology use in certain environments, like schools, to reduce the temptation of screens and foster real-life interactions.
These practices are incredibly powerful as they cultivate mindfulness (being present and non-judgmental) and compassion, which are crucial for experiencing positive emotions, contentment, reducing craving, and fostering well-being.
Expressing gratitude to others not only makes the recipient feel good and strengthens social bonds but also boosts the giver's own gratitude and happiness, as people often underestimate how much others appreciate being thanked.
Parents can lead by example through their own behaviors and emotions, share data about the benefits of certain actions, and articulate their own emotional experiences and coping strategies to teach kids about emotions and resilience.
The path to feeling connected and less lonely involves sharing and being vulnerable with others, engaging in deeper conversations beyond small talk, and actively asking questions to get to know people more profoundly.
Fun, characterized by social interaction, presence, and play for intrinsic joy, is crucial for happiness and reducing stress. Engaging in hobbies, sports, or creative activities purely for enjoyment can significantly boost well-being.
34 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Self-Care as Moral Responsibility
View your own life satisfaction and flourishing as a personal and moral responsibility, as taking care of your well-being provides the necessary bandwidth to effectively help others and contribute to the world.
2. Embrace “Selffulness”
Adopt the concept of “selffulness,” recognizing that taking care of yourself is intertwined with taking care of others, creating an upward spiral of mutual well-being and happiness.
3. Challenge Happiness Misconceptions
Actively identify and fight against the “lies” our minds tell us about what makes us happy (e.g., needing more money or changing circumstances), focusing instead on changing behaviors and mindsets.
4. Prioritize Social Connection
Actively find time for social connection, even scheduling it if necessary, as studies show happy people tend to be more social, whether through strong ties with friends and family or weak ties like talking to a barista.
5. Combat Hedonic Adaptation with Gratitude
Actively practice gratitude and notice delights to counteract hedonic adaptation, which causes us to get used to good things over time, thereby allowing us to continue appreciating positive aspects of life.
6. Implement the 3 R’s of Change
To cultivate new habits for happiness, use reminders (e.g., phone alerts, visual cues), engage in repetition, and eventually establish these actions as rituals or second nature.
7. Consistent Happiness Practices
Understand that training for happiness requires consistent, repeated effort, similar to physical training, rather than one-time actions, to achieve lasting positive effects.
8. Practice Negative Visualization
To appreciate what you have and fight hedonic adaptation, imagine what life would be like without something wonderful you currently possess, which can deepen gratitude and appreciation.
9. Practice Gratitude Daily
Regularly write down a few things you’re grateful for to train your brain to notice positive aspects and blessings, which can improve life satisfaction and positive mood.
10. Express Gratitude Directly
Go beyond internal gratitude by actively expressing it to others, as people often don’t realize your appreciation, and this act significantly boosts both their well-being and your own.
11. Savor the Present Moment
Actively savor and appreciate the “miracles” in everyday life, even seemingly trivial ones, by imagining their absence, rather than waiting for a tragic event to highlight their value.
12. Practice Heartfelt Positivity
When engaging in gratitude, go beyond just listing items; close your eyes and truly experience the emotion and meaning behind what you’re grateful for, savoring it deeply to combat hedonic adaptation.
13. Reduce Tech Interruptions
Identify and minimize behaviors that interrupt social connection, such as using your phone during dinner or while waiting in line, to avoid missing opportunities for happiness-boosting interactions.
14. Value Micro-Interactions
Recognize that small, brief social interactions, like smiling at someone in a grocery line, are easily accessible throughout the day and can significantly contribute to happiness, even if they’re not extensive engagements.
15. Smile More Often
Engage in the simple act of smiling, as it positively affects your inner world and encourages others to smile, creating a cumulative emotional benefit.
16. Overcome Social Interaction Biases
Challenge the intuition that social interactions, especially with strangers, will be awkward or unwelcome, as research shows people often enjoy being talked to, and such interactions can boost your happiness.
17. Embrace Vulnerability for Likability
Don’t shy away from asking for help or showing vulnerability, as the “beautiful mess effect” suggests that appearing a little needy or vulnerable can actually enhance your likability to others.
18. Ask Deeper Questions
To reduce loneliness and foster deeper connections, focus on asking follow-up questions that reveal more about others’ values and experiences, going “half a step deeper” than typical small talk.
19. Practice Deep Canvassing
When discussing difficult topics or political differences, engage in “deep canvassing” by asking others about their experiences of feeling marginalized or not belonging, then actively listen to build connection and understanding before sharing your own perspective.
20. Practice Mindfulness & Meditation
Engage in practices like meditation and yoga to cultivate mindfulness, which involves being present in the moment in a nonjudgmental way, leading to more positive emotions and contentment.
21. Cultivate Compassion & Loving-Kindness
Engage in practices like “heart meditation” or loving-kindness meditation to cultivate compassion and positive feelings for others, as wishing others well is an effective way to enhance your own happiness.
22. Perform Acts of Kindness
Actively do nice things for other people and hold positive wishes for them, as these actions are proven to increase your own happiness.
23. Prioritize Play for Stress Reduction
Intentionally incorporate play into your life, engaging in activities purely for intrinsic joy, as it combines social connection, presence, and can significantly reduce stress and improve overall well-being.
24. Try New Fun Hobbies
Actively seek out and try new fun activities, hobbies, or classes, as engaging in novel experiences can significantly boost your happiness factor and lead to new social connections.
25. Persist Through Initial Awkwardness
Continue engaging in new happiness practices even if they feel awkward initially, as consistent effort will create neural pathways, making them easier and more natural over time.
26. Model Desired Behaviors
As a parent or leader, model the behaviors and emotions you wish to see in others (e.g., sharing delights at dinner), as your actions are contagious and can positively influence those around you, especially children.
27. Share Data, Don’t Dictate
When encouraging positive behaviors, especially with young people, share scientific data and evidence rather than simply telling them what to do, allowing them to find their own intrinsic motivation.
28. Foster Intrinsic Motivation
Encourage self-discovery and intrinsic motivation in others by presenting information and allowing them to decide to engage in beneficial actions, rather than forcing or rewarding them.
29. Articulate Emotions & Coping Strategies
As a parent, openly talk through your emotions, including negative ones, and articulate your coping strategies (e.g., “Mommy is frustrated, so I’m calling my sister”), teaching children emotional vocabulary and healthy responses.
30. Share Value-Based Stories
Use stories (personal, historical, or fictional) that convey important lessons and values to children, as narratives are powerful tools for learning about emotions and paths to a flourishing life.
31. Create & Utilize “Third Spaces”
Actively seek out or advocate for “third spaces” (places outside home and work, like community centers or parks) that encourage social interaction with diverse people, making it easier to connect in real life.
32. Advocate for Phone-Free Zones
Support or implement policies to limit phone use in schools or other shared spaces, as system-wide changes reduce the fear of missing out and make it easier for individuals to engage in real-life social connection.
33. Promote Positive Alternatives to Screens
Encourage engaging in positive alternatives to screen time, such as sports and athletics, which provide social connection, physical health benefits, and resilience, especially for children and teenagers.
34. Notice Daily Delights
Intentionally seek out and notice small, delightful things in your day (e.g., a warm coffee cup, a child’s laughter) to shift your brain’s focus away from its natural negativity bias and improve your mood.
8 Key Quotes
Our technologies are stealing these tiny moments of attention that before technology, we were often devoting to the people around us.
Laurie Santos
It's our habits that kind of become what our life is.
Aristotle (quoted by Laurie Santos)
We first make our habits and then our habits make us.
John Dryden (quoted by Tal Ben-Shahar)
Our minds lie to us, and then we have to kind of fight those lies to do a little bit better.
Laurie Santos
There are only two ways in which you can live your life. One way to live your life is as if nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is a miracle.
Einstein (attributed by Tal Ben-Shahar)
for the first time in my life in a very long time, I truly feel that I'm alive or I truly appreciate, you know, my loved ones or, or, or this meal or, or the miracle that's all around me.
Irving Yalom (quoted by Tal Ben-Shahar)
if we want to fix the structural problems out there, we kind of need to put our own oxygen mask on first, because that's how we're going to help others, and that's how we're going to help the world.
Laurie Santos
what is most personal is most general.
Carl Rogers (quoted by Tal Ben-Shahar)
7 Protocols
Gratitude Practice
Laurie Santos- Write down a few things that you're grateful for every day.
- Notice some of the blessings in your life.
Lighter Gratitude Practice (Noticing Delights)
Laurie Santos- Look out and try to find some delights, like the warmth of a coffee cup or a child's laughter.
- Scribble down these delightful observations.
Fighting Hedonic Adaptation (Negative Visualization)
Laurie Santos (referencing the Stoics)- Imagine what life would be like without a wonderful thing you currently have.
- Use this brief visualization to appreciate what you possess more deeply.
The Three R's of Change
Tal Ben-Shahar- Reminders: Use external cues (phone, pictures, bracelets) to prompt desired behaviors.
- Repetition: Engage in the desired actions again and again.
- Rituals (Habits): Through reminders and repetition, make the behaviors second nature.
Heartfelt Positivity (Savoring Gratitude)
Tal Ben-Shahar (referencing Barbara Fredrickson)- After writing down what you're grateful for, close your eyes.
- Experience the emotion of gratitude deeply in your heart for what you've written down.
Deepening Social Connection
Laurie Santos- Ask questions that go 'half a step deeper' than normal conversation.
- Listen curiously and follow up on what others share to understand them more profoundly.
Parental Emotional Communication
Laurie Santos- Articulate the emotions you are going through, especially negative ones, out loud.
- Explain what you plan to do to address those emotions, demonstrating coping strategies.
- Emphasize that it's okay to experience bad emotions and that everyone goes through them.