Date Like a Scientist

1. Treat Dating as a Skill

Recognize that dating is a learnable skill, not an innate ability, and approach it with the mindset that you can get better at it over time. This reframes dating challenges as opportunities for growth rather than inherent flaws.

2. Apply Behavioral Science to Dating

Apply insights from behavioral science to identify and overcome cognitive blind spots that hinder effective decision-making in your dating life. This approach helps you make more informed choices in various relationship stages.

3. Reject “Undateable” Mindset

Challenge the “hesitator” mindset that you are “undateable” or need to achieve certain conditions (e.g., lose weight, get a better job) before being worthy of love. Recognize that delaying dating incurs an opportunity cost, preventing you from gaining experience and discovering what you truly want in a partner.

4. Share Your Vulnerabilities

Share your vulnerabilities and perceived flaws from a place of strength, as these “beautiful messes” make you more human and relatable to others. What you might consider unlovable can actually be attractive and foster deeper connections in a relationship.

5. Audit Your Relationship History

Perform a thorough audit of your past relationship history, starting from early experiences like middle or high school, to identify recurring patterns or “strategic errors” you might be making. Understanding these patterns can help you break unhelpful cycles and make better choices in future relationships.

6. Value Experience Over Checklist

Avoid treating potential partners as “searchable goods” with a fixed checklist of traits like height or job title. Instead, recognize that people are “experiential goods,” focusing on the experience of being with them and the feelings they evoke in you.

7. Rethink Romantic Ideals

If you identify as a “romanticizer,” challenge the belief in a single soulmate or the need for a perfect “how we met” story. Be open to partners who may not fit a preconceived physical ideal and prioritize building a relationship over the romanticized origin story.

8. Embrace the Slow Burn

Do not dismiss potential partners if you don’t feel an immediate “spark” or intense chemistry, as research shows the spark can grow over time and isn’t always a reliable indicator of long-term viability. Instead, give “slow burn” individuals a chance, focusing on their qualities as a reliable and deeply good life partner.

9. Satisfice, Don’t Maximize

Shift from being a “maximizer” who endlessly searches for the “perfect” partner to a “satisficer” who sets high standards and commits when those standards are met. Satisficing leads to greater happiness with your decisions and fosters investment in the relationship, unlike maximizing which often leads to regret.

10. Seek a Life Partner

Shift your dating focus from seeking a “prom date” (someone attractive and fun for the short term) to a “life partner” (someone reliable, who shares your values, and with whom you can make hard decisions). This transition is crucial for finding a committed, long-term relationship.

11. Assess Your Feelings with Partner

Reflect deeply on how a potential partner makes you feel (e.g., appreciated, desired, smart, funny) rather than focusing solely on superficial attraction or external validation. This introspection helps you identify secure and supportive connections that align with your emotional well-being.

12. Date Like a Scientist

Approach dating like a scientist: form hypotheses about your “type” or what you think you want, then actively test them by dating people who challenge those assumptions. Be willing to be proven wrong, as your perceived “type” may not be what makes you happiest long-term.

13. Permissible Pet Peeves

Review your list of “deal breakers” and reclassify as many as possible into “permissible pet peeves,” especially those based on superficial traits like a Velcro wallet or specific clothing choices. True deal breakers relate to fundamental incompatibilities (e.g., smoking with asthma), not minor annoyances that don’t correlate with long-term relationship success.

14. Avoid Superficial Dating Filters

Reconsider your preconceived “type” and avoid using superficial filters on dating apps, such as height, which can drastically limit your pool of potential partners. Be open to people who don’t fit your initial physical or background preferences, as they might be a better long-term fit.

15. Manage Social Media Dating Content

Limit consumption of “date-ertainment” content on platforms like TikTok that promote negativity about dating, as it can foster a self-fulfilling prophecy of bad experiences. Recognize that social media often presents curated “highlight reels” or negative viral stories, not realistic dating scenarios.

16. Stay Open to Connections

Do not adopt a rigid “I’ve quit dating” identity, which can close you off to potential connections. Instead, maintain an openness to connections, even if dating is not your top priority, to avoid limiting future opportunities.

17. Meet Sooner, Avoid Fantasy

Counter the “Monet effect” by meeting potential partners in person or talking on the phone sooner rather than engaging in prolonged “pen palling.” This prevents your brain from filling in information positively, creating an unrealistic fantasy that leads to disappointment.

18. Date In-Person Quickly

After matching on a dating app, aim to transition to an in-person date within three days to quickly assess real-life chemistry and avoid the “Monet effect” of creating an unrealistic fantasy. Don’t feel the need to gather extensive information before meeting face-to-face.

19. Date Experientially, Not Evaluatively

Move away from an “evaluative mindset” where you mentally check off a partner’s resume traits, and instead embrace an “experiential mindset.” Focus on being present, observing how the person makes you feel, and what aspects of your personality they bring out, as these are more crucial for long-term compatibility.

20. Reflect with Post-Date Eight

After a date, use the “Post-Date Eight” questions (e.g., “What side of me did they bring out?”, “Did I feel heard?”, “Did they make me laugh?”) to reflect on your experience and train your brain to focus on what truly matters. This practice helps you identify slow-burn connections and say no faster to unsuitable dates.

21. Start Dates “In Media Res”

Avoid superficial small talk on first dates by starting “in media res” – jumping directly into an interesting topic or recent experience. This approach creates a more engaging and memorable conversation, allowing you to connect on real subjects before covering basic biographical details.

22. Be Interested, Not Interesting

On dates, prioritize being genuinely interested in the other person by asking thoughtful questions, rather than solely focusing on presenting yourself as interesting. This approach makes your date feel valued and engaged, fostering a more positive connection.

23. Deepen Conversations with Support

When someone shares information, offer “support responses” that encourage them to elaborate and go deeper, instead of shifting the focus back to yourself. Ask open-ended questions like “How did you choose that?” or “What are you most excited about?” to make them feel heard and seen.

24. Bring Play to Dates

Design dates that encourage playfulness and silliness, such as ice skating or eating messy food, to bring out a more vulnerable and authentic side of yourself. This creates novel, memorable experiences and fosters connection by making both parties feel comfortable and less serious.

25. Avoid Chasing Rejection

When someone rejects you in dating, do not interpret it as a sign they are “better” than you or try to convince them to be with you, as more effort in love does not guarantee a positive outcome. Instead, recognize that rejection often simply means you are not a fit.