Embracing Sadness in the Pursuit of Happiness
Journalist Helen Russell discusses how our cultural aversion to sadness makes us feel worse. She explains that embracing sadness as a temporary, purposeful emotion can lead to greater happiness and resilience.
Deep Dive Analysis
17 Topic Outline
The Problem with Suppressing Sadness
Personal Journey to Understanding Sadness
Defining Sadness and its Purpose
The "Arrival Fallacy" and Unexpected Sadness
Why Our Current Approach to Sadness Fails
Cultural Perspectives on Sadness
The Phobia and Guilt of Sadness
Shame and Apologizing for Sadness
The Power of Social Connection in Sadness
Avoiding Numbing Out and Overworking
The Dangers of Perfectionism
Embracing Vulnerability and Not Apologizing
Silencing "Shit FM"
The Liberating Power of Acceptance
Strategies for Cultivating Acceptance
Helping Others to Process Sadness
How Accepting Sadness Leads to Greater Happiness
6 Key Concepts
Sadness (as a temporary emotion)
Sadness is a temporary emotion felt when something is wrong or hurtful, acting as a message to indicate a problem. If ignored, it can lead to more serious conditions like depression, but when acknowledged, it can foster positive traits like perseverance and gratitude.
Depression (vs. Sadness)
Depression is a chronic mental illness requiring professional help, distinct from temporary sadness which is a normal human experience. Sadness can be an awakening, while depression is a long-term condition that needs assistance.
Arrival Fallacy
The arrival fallacy describes the anticlimax or 'summit syndrome' experienced after achieving a significant goal, where the expected happiness doesn't materialize. This occurs because the dopamine response is primarily in the chase, and once the goal is obtained, the feeling can drop off, leading to flatness or even sadness.
Suppression of Negative Thoughts
This refers to the counterproductive act of trying not to think about difficult emotions, which, as demonstrated by the 'white bear' experiment, often causes those thoughts to occur more frequently and intensely. Suppressing sadness can make individuals feel worse rather than better.
Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity is the idea, often perpetuated in popular culture, that one should always maintain 'good vibes only' and manifest a perfect future. This can be problematic as it induces shame if things don't work out and ignores the realities of structural inequality and the role of bad luck in life's tragedies.
Shit FM
A colloquial term for the niggling, self-critical voice in one's head that broadcasts negative thoughts and self-doubt. Recognizing this voice as separate from one's true self is a step towards managing sadness, especially if it persists for more than a couple of days.
10 Questions Answered
Sadness is a temporary emotion felt when something is wrong or hurtful, serving as a message to be listened to. Depression, conversely, is a chronic mental illness that requires professional help.
Yes, temporary sadness can be beneficial as it can increase attention to detail, perseverance, generosity, and gratitude, and can act as a problem-solving emotion that prompts us to think about our next steps.
This is known as the 'arrival fallacy,' where the achievement of a long-sought goal (like marriage or a promotion) can lead to anticlimax, guilt, and shame because the dopamine response is primarily associated with the pursuit rather than the attainment of the goal.
No, studies show that suppressing negative thoughts, like sadness, is counterproductive and can actually make us feel worse, as demonstrated by experiments where trying not to think about something makes you think about it more.
American culture is an outlier in its strong desire to minimize and avoid sadness. In contrast, East Asian cultures more readily accept feeling happy and sad simultaneously, and in Russia, sadness is sometimes valued as a trait that makes one a better person.
This struggle often stems from childhood, where children are taught not to cry or are given painkillers preventatively, leading to a lack of resilience and an inability to tolerate discomfort in adulthood.
Speaking to someone who will listen without interruption or judgment, even a stranger, can be incredibly important for processing sadness and feeling less alone, as social connection is powerful for both boosting happiness and overcoming negative emotions.
No, busyness and perfectionism are often ways to avoid feeling sadness, leading to dissociation and potential self-destructive behaviors. Perfectionism, in particular, has been linked to anxiety, depression, OCD, PTSD, insomnia, and even early death.
'Shit FM' is the self-critical, niggling voice in your head that broadcasts negative thoughts. If it's playing for more than a couple of days, it's time to take action, such as talking to a trusted friend, remembering that these feelings are not your true self.
Acceptance is the fundamental idea that sadness is a part of life and that bad things happen, often not due to our fault. Embracing this perspective, rather than fighting it or blaming oneself, is incredibly liberating and can ultimately lead to greater happiness by removing the fear of lows.
33 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Sadness for Greater Joy
Allow yourself to experience sadness without fear, as this liberation can lead to living life more fully and experiencing greater highs.
2. Accept Sadness as Part of Life
Cultivate the fundamental idea that sadness and bad things are an inevitable part of life, and not necessarily your fault. This mindset helps reduce shame and the belief that you are to blame when unfortunate events occur.
3. Stop Fighting Your Sadness
Cease attempts to fight, deny, or block out sadness and other emotions. Fighting sadness leads to numbing out, dissociation, and can be linked to addiction.
4. Do Not Suppress Negative Thoughts
Avoid suppressing negative thoughts or emotions when they arise. Suppressing them doesn’t work and can actually make you feel worse.
5. Listen to Sadness’s Message
Pay attention to your sadness, as it is a temporary emotion that acts as a message telling you when something is wrong. Listening to it can prevent it from becoming more serious or staying longer.
6. Overcome Your Fear of Sadness
Actively work to reduce your fear of being sad. Being terrified of sadness is what makes it detrimental to your health and well-being.
7. Sit with Normal Sadness
Allow yourself to sit with normal sadness, even if it’s uncomfortable, rather than trying to fix it immediately. Normal sadness requires being tolerated and sat with for a while.
8. Grieve Losses Properly
Allow yourself to properly grieve losses when they occur. The inability to grieve can have long-term negative impacts on various areas of your life.
9. Reject ‘Stiff Upper Lip’ Mentality
Actively challenge the cultural norm of keeping sadness to yourself. The ‘stiff upper lip’ mantra is detrimental, making you feel worse and missing opportunities for connection.
10. Practice Vulnerability for Connection
Be more vulnerable and honest about how you’re feeling with others. Vulnerability leads to deeper and purer connections with the people in your life.
11. Be Honest About Feeling Blue
Be more honest with people around you when you’re feeling sad, and open up when someone offers a caring ear. This fosters connection and allows for support.
12. Seek Out a Trusted Listener
Find at least one person you can talk to who will listen without interruption or judgment. Having someone to talk to is crucial for processing sadness, especially when professional help is inaccessible.
13. Offer a Caring Ear to Others
Be a ‘whirlpool repair gal/guy’ for others by offering a caring, non-judgmental ear, and ask follow-up questions like ‘How are you really?’ This provides crucial social support and connection for those who are struggling.
14. Cultivate Weak Social Connections
Foster and maintain weak social connections with people you see often. These connections are powerful for boosting happiness and overcoming negative emotions, and their absence is deeply felt.
15. Don’t Apologize for Feeling Sad
Stop apologizing for your sadness or other emotions. You should only apologize for wrongdoing, not for simply having feelings.
16. Challenge Negative Self-Talk
Recognize and challenge the ‘shit FM’ voice in your head that broadcasts negative self-talk. This voice is not ‘you’; being aware of it helps differentiate your feelings from this internal critic.
17. Seek Support for Persistent Self-Talk
If your ‘shit FM’ (negative self-talk) plays for more than a couple of days, reach out to a trusted listener to talk. Talking to someone who listens without judgment can help address persistent negative internal monologues.
18. Avoid Busyness as Pain Avoidance
Do not use excessive busyness or workaholism as a coping mechanism to avoid pain or sadness. This strategy is problematic; sadness will eventually return and build up.
19. Abandon Perfectionism
Let go of the pursuit of perfectionism. Perfectionism is a problematic mindset that leads to anxiety, depression, and other health issues.
20. Prioritize Rest for Restoration
Make sure to prioritize and get adequate rest. Rest is essential for restoring yourself and is often undervalued in society.
21. Maintain Life Balance
Ensure you maintain balance in your life, especially by not working too hard, even if other self-care practices are in place. Overworking can still throw things ‘out of whack,’ highlighting the importance of overall balance.
22. Leverage Sadness for Growth
Recognize and utilize temporary sadness as a problem-solving emotion. Sadness can increase attention to detail, perseverance, generosity, gratitude, and creativity, prompting you to think about next steps.
23. Transform Sadness into Purpose
Find a cause you care about and a way to help others, using your sadness journey to develop empathy and purpose. This transforms suffering into something useful, aiding acceptance and helping you be sad ‘well’.
24. Help Others to Feel Better
Engage in acts of service or help others, especially when you are feeling sad. Doing good for others makes you feel better and provides a useful outlet for sadness.
25. Build Resilience by Tolerating Discomfort
Learn to tolerate discomfort and pain, rather than avoiding it from an early age. Avoiding discomfort from childhood prevents building resilience and the ability to handle difficult parts of life.
26. Allow Yourself to Cry
Permit yourself to cry when feeling sad. Crying lowers cortisol levels, soothes you, and expresses emotion, which has value.
27. Use Music/Books as Companions
Engage with music or books as companions when feeling sad. They can help you feel less alone without minimizing, ignoring, or numbing the sadness.
28. Gain Perspective on Sadness
Broaden your perspective on sadness by understanding different cultural and historical approaches to it. This helps challenge ingrained beliefs about sadness and realize that your socialization isn’t the only way to view it.
29. Use Art for Emotional Release
Use films, music, or other cultural ‘vitamins’ as tools for emotional arousal and release, especially when on the verge of crying. This allows for a cathartic experience and provides a companion in sadness.
30. Avoid Excessive Drinking
Do not engage in excessive drinking. Excessive drinking does not help with achieving acceptance or dealing with sadness.
31. Monitor for Hyper-Busyness
Pay attention to when you feel sad and notice if you are using hyper-busyness to block out those feelings. This awareness helps identify and stop counterproductive avoidance strategies.
32. Practice Gentle Emotional Sitting
If you recognize that you are feeling particularly avoidant, commit to gently sitting with your feelings for a few minutes. This helps you process emotions rather than avoiding them.
33. Encourage Risky Play in Children
Allow children to engage in risky play and play in nature (e.g., climbing trees, minor falls). This helps build resilience and reduces psychiatric problems in later life.
6 Key Quotes
Maybe sadness is what we're supposed to feel when we experience loss or disappointment. But this seemed culturally unacceptable, or at least not what people wanted.
Helen Russell
The idea that what we don't talk about can't hurt us is really problematic because we know now from studies that actually suppressing negative thoughts doesn't work. It can make us feel worse.
Helen Russell
Being sad only makes you sick if you're terrified of being sad.
Helen Russell
We are educated out of our emotions.
Helen Russell
Apologise if you've done something wrong, but no one should apologise for feeling.
Helen Russell
If you're not afraid of sadness, it's incredibly liberating and you can live your life, really.
Helen Russell
2 Protocols
Dealing with 'Shit FM'
Helen Russell- Recognize the niggling, self-critical voice in your head, 'Shit FM', that tells you things aren't going well.
- If 'Shit FM' is playing for more than a couple of days, take action.
- Send a message (e.g., coffee emoji) to a trusted 'buddy' (someone who will listen without interruption or judgment) to signal a need to talk.
- Meet and talk, allowing the buddy to listen without trying to fix anything, acknowledging that your feelings are not your true self.
Cultivating Acceptance of Sadness
Helen Russell- Gain perspective by understanding geographical and cultural approaches to sadness around the world, realizing that our socialization doesn't define the only way to feel.
- Explore the historical perspective of emotions to realize that our current ideas about happiness are relatively recent.
- Engage in 'culture vitamins' like reading, watching films, or listening to music to allow for emotional arousal and feel companionship in sadness, even pushing yourself to cry if on the verge.
- Maintain balance in life, avoiding overworking even when doing other 'right' things like exercising and eating well, as rest is crucial for restoration.
- Do something for someone else, finding a cause or helping others, which provides a 'warm glow' and makes sadness feel worthwhile by doing something useful with that suffering.