Feel Like You're Enough
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, a clinical psychologist at Boston University and author, joins the host to discuss how to combat perfectionism, which is often a feeling of never being good enough. They explore strategies like self-compassion, cognitive diffusion, and shifting from rule-following to value-driven living to foster self-acceptance.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Understanding the True Nature of Perfectionism
Personal Burnout from Unhealthy Perfectionism
Distinguishing Healthy vs. Unhealthy Perfectionism
Cultural Factors Fueling Perfectionism
Perfectionism as an Interpersonal Problem
Embracing Adaptive Perfectionism with a 'Both/And' Mindset
Strategies for Quitting Self-Criticism
Overcoming Over-evaluation by Shifting to Values
Addressing Demand Sensitivity and Resistance
Redefining Failure and Embracing Vulnerability
Taking Baby Steps to Combat Perfectionism
Post-Interview Check-in on Self-Criticism
Recap of Tips for Feeling Like You're Enough
8 Key Concepts
Perfectionism (Misnomer)
Not about striving for perfection, but about never feeling good enough, always failing, or having a sense of dissatisfaction with one's life. People often come to therapy feeling like they're falling behind and should be further ahead.
Healthy Perfectionism
This form is grounded in striving for excellence, doing good work for the work's sake, and maintaining high standards. It originates from conscientiousness, a personality trait linked to success and happiness.
Unhealthy Perfectionism (Over-evaluation)
This occurs when individuals conflate their self-worth with their performance, believing they must perform superbly to be sufficient as a person. It's characterized by the belief that 'I did good equals I am good.'
Perfectionistic Climate
This refers to external factors, such as capitalism, consumerism, advertising, and social media, that push individuals to constantly perform and consume at higher levels. Such environments can lead people to react by expecting others to be hard on them and being hard on themselves.
Cognitive Diffusion
A technique from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that involves creating space between oneself and one's thoughts, recognizing them as mental events rather than absolute truths. It helps diffuse the power of self-critical thoughts by playfully altering their presentation (e.g., singing them, picturing them on a mug).
Values
These are anything an individual finds important, meaningful, or purposeful, such as concepts, activities, relationships, or practices. Values are continuous, intrinsically meaningful, under one's control, and, most importantly, freely chosen rather than coercive or obligatory.
Demand Sensitivity
This is a heightened responsiveness to perceived requests or demands, where personal 'wants' are transformed into 'shoulds.' It can lead to enjoyable activities feeling like chores because they become just another item on a list of obligations.
Demand Resistance
This occurs when an individual feels so overwhelmed by tasks or 'shoulds' that they procrastinate or balk, even on activities they initially desired. It arises from feeling that life is a never-ending, people-pleasing grind, leading to resentment.
9 Questions Answered
Perfectionism is often a misnomer; it's not about striving for perfection but rather a persistent feeling of never being good enough, always failing, or experiencing deep dissatisfaction with one's life.
Yes, there can be healthy perfectionism, which involves striving for excellence, doing good work for its own sake, and maintaining high standards, often stemming from conscientiousness.
Factors like capitalism, consumerism, advertising, and social media create a 'perfectionistic climate' that pushes individuals to perform and consume at ever-higher levels, fostering the belief that one must perform superbly to be sufficient.
People are self-critical because they believe it works, thinking that harsh criticism might prevent future mistakes or allow them to criticize themselves before others can.
Ironically, data shows that people perform better without self-criticism, as it can lower performance and steal credit from other positive traits like diligence and high standards.
Instead of rigidly following rules, one can shift focus to living by their values, which are continuous, intrinsically meaningful, under one's control, and freely chosen.
By recognizing demand sensitivity and demand resistance, individuals can reconnect with their underlying values for tasks (e.g., valuing relationships for emails) and dare to be unproductive by pursuing what genuinely interests them.
Instead of defining failure as not meeting unrealistic expectations, one can view it through the lens of 'is this working?' and be willing to try different approaches, such as asking for help or being vulnerable, which builds trust and connection.
Even small changes, like being 5% less hard on oneself or 10% kinder, or simply changing one's relationship to self-criticism and over-evaluation, can be effective without requiring immense effort.
15 Actionable Insights
1. Shift from Rules to Values
Instead of rigidly following self-imposed or external rules, shift your focus to living by your personal values. This means identifying what is important, meaningful, and purposeful to you, and aligning your actions with those intrinsic motivators.
2. Evaluate Performance as “Both/And”
Instead of viewing performance as all-or-nothing (where one mistake makes you a total failure), evaluate it as “both/and.” This means recognizing you can be a good person or professional who sometimes makes mistakes, creating wiggle room for inevitable human errors.
3. Practice Cognitive Diffusion
Use cognitive diffusion to create space between yourself and self-critical thoughts by recognizing them as just thoughts, not absolute truths. This helps diffuse their power and provides perspective.
4. Play with Self-Critical Thoughts
To exert power over self-critical thoughts, play with them by changing their presentation. For example, picture them on a coffee mug, sing them aloud, imagine them skywritten, or add kooky elements like a clown nose or a 70s soundtrack to disturbing mental images.
5. Treat Thoughts as Background Noise
Learn to attend to self-critical thoughts like background music in a coffee shop or grocery store. Acknowledge they are there and you can hear them, but choose not to actively listen or let them dictate your actions, recognizing they are just ‘what happens’ in your brain.
6. Practice Self-Compassion Simply
Instead of trying to generate elaborate self-compassionate speeches, practice self-compassion through simple words like ’easy’ or ‘it’s okay,’ or by taking small, kind actions for yourself. This could mean enjoying your coffee, taking a longer shower, or going to the gym if it helps, or skipping it if that’s what you truly need.
7. Grant Permission to Do Less
A significant act of self-compassion, especially for perfectionists, is to give yourself permission not to fulfill all the expectations you place on yourself. This allows you to remove items from your mental plate without needing to change external circumstances.
8. Redefine Failure: Ask for Help
Instead of viewing asking for help, taking advice, or being vulnerable as a failure, recognize when your current approach isn’t working. Actively seek support, as this signals trust to others and fosters connection, moving away from the perfectionist belief that you must earn belonging by doing everything perfectly.
9. Values Combat Demand Resistance
When facing demand resistance (procrastination due to feeling overloaded by ‘shoulds’), reconnect with the underlying values. For tasks like email, focus on the person you’re replying to and the value of that relationship to free up your motivation and reduce resistance.
10. Dare to Be Unproductive
Challenge the internal rule that you must always be productive or self-improving by daring to be unproductive. Instead, allow yourself to pursue activities that genuinely look interesting, fun, or cool, tuning into what your mind naturally gravitates towards.
11. Notice “Ruly” Feelings
Pay attention to feelings of coercion or obligation, such as thinking ‘I have to’ or ‘I should’ do something. These feelings are a signal that you might be operating under a rigid rule and can prompt you to ease up or reconsider your approach.
12. Observe Self-Critical “Scripts”
Recognize that self-critical thoughts often follow a predictable ‘script’ after certain events (e.g., interviews, exams, parties). Instead of reacting by working harder or seeking reassurance, simply observe these thoughts as a recurring pattern your brain exhibits, without letting them dictate your self-worth or future actions.
13. Don’t Listen to Internal Rules
Acknowledge that you may still have internal rules or urges to be productive constantly, but recognize that you don’t have to listen to them. Instead, choose to run towards what is purposeful, interesting, or meaningful, allowing your mindset to shift without necessarily changing external actions.
14. Start with Small Shifts
You don’t need to make drastic changes to combat perfectionism; even being 5% less hard on yourself or 10% kinder can be effective. Focus on subtly changing your relationship with self-criticism and over-evaluation, rather than trying to eliminate them entirely.
15. Affirm Your Sufficiency
When your inner voice tells you that you are not enough, actively fight back by affirming, ‘I am.’ This simple statement challenges self-criticism and reinforces self-acceptance.
7 Key Quotes
It's not about striving for perfection. It's about never feeling good enough.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen
Perfectionist at 20, Burnout at 40.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen
I'm a good doctor who sometimes makes a misdiagnosis.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen
A self-critical brain is going to make self-critical thoughts.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen
We can attend to our thoughts sort of like I would attend to the music at a coffee shop or like the music at a grocery store. It's still there. I can hear it in the background, but I don't have to listen to it.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen
If we only make room for the shoulds of life, all work and no play makes anyone a resentful human.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen
You don't have to do that much differently. That even being 5% less hard on yourself, 10% kinder to yourself, or simply trying to change your relationship to your self-criticism or that over-evaluation, that's all you need to do.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen
4 Protocols
Fighting Self-Criticism
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen- Exercise Self-Compassion: Talk to yourself like a good friend, using simple words like 'easy,' 'it's okay,' or 'kindness.'
- Treat Yourself Compassionately: Control actions even if thoughts are self-critical (e.g., take time for coffee, enjoy a warm shower, go to the gym if it helps, or skip the gym if it's not needed).
- Give Permission Not to Do All Expected: Allow yourself to take some things off your mental plate.
- Practice Cognitive Diffusion: Put space between yourself and your thoughts by playing with them (e.g., picturing them on a coffee mug, singing them, skywriting them, adding clown noses or soundtracks to mental images).
Overcoming Over-evaluation
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen- Notice Coercion/Obligation: Identify when you feel 'I have to' or 'I should' do something, as this signals a rule-driven mindset.
- Shift from Rules to Values: Turn away from 'did I follow the rule?' to 'am I being the person I want to be?' by focusing on what is important, meaningful, and purposeful to you.
- Ensure Values are Freely Chosen: Confirm that your values are not coercive or obligatory, and you are willing to tolerate discomfort to live them.
Tackling Demand Sensitivity
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen- Connect Tasks to Values: For 'shoulds' (like email), reconnect with the underlying value (e.g., valuing relationships) to reduce resistance.
- Dare to Be Unproductive: For optional activities, allow yourself to pursue what genuinely looks interesting, fun, or cool, rather than feeling obligated to be productive or improve constantly.
Redefining Failure
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen- Question Workability: Instead of defining failure as not meeting expectations, ask 'is this working? Is this feasible? Is this workable?'
- Do Something Different When Not Working: If a strategy isn't working (e.g., hyper-independence), try a different approach, such as asking for help, taking advice, or being vulnerable.
- Signal Trust and Equality: Understand that asking for help or showing vulnerability signals trust and equality, drawing people closer rather than earning their liking through perfect performance.