Finding Holiday Happiness (Dr Laurie on the How God Works podcast)
Dr. Lori Santos, happiness expert, joins psychology professor Dave DeSteno on "How God Works" to explore scientific strategies and ancient wisdom for a happier, less stressed holiday season, focusing on traditions and psychological insights.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Why Holidays Can Be Stressful and Unhappy
The Arrival Fallacy and Savoring Holiday Moments
Strategies for Kids to Savor Gifts and Experiences
Harnessing Pro-Social Emotions for Savoring
The Happiness Benefits of Giving to Others
The Pro-Sociality Paradox: Underestimating Giving's Impact
The Power of Asking for Help as a Form of Giving
Embracing Imperfection and Scruffy Hospitality
Cultivating Gratitude Beyond Indebtedness
The Health and Happiness Benefits of Gratitude
Experiencing Awe During the Holiday Season
The Power of Contemplation and Light for Relaxation
Creating New, Meaningful Holiday Rituals
6 Key Concepts
Arrival Fallacy
This bias describes the tendency to believe that happiness will arrive once a certain goal or event is achieved, causing people to constantly fast-forward through the present moment. It leads to missing out on current joys and often results in disappointment when the anticipated perfect future moment doesn't live up to expectations.
Under-sociality / Pro-sociality Paradox
Coined by Nick Epley, this concept refers to our tendency to significantly underestimate the positive impact that pro-social actions (doing nice things for others) will have, both on the recipient and on our own happiness. This bias often prevents us from engaging in more acts of kindness.
Scruffy Hospitality
This idea, discussed by Oliver Berkman, involves embracing imperfection when hosting or preparing for social events. Instead of striving for a perfect, pristine environment, hosts allow for a bit of mess or ask for help, which can make guests feel more comfortable, vulnerable, and connected.
Hedonic Adaptation
This psychological phenomenon describes how people tend to get used to positive things in their lives over time, causing the initial joy or appreciation to fade. Regularly practicing gratitude can help counteract this by training attention to notice and appreciate good things anew.
Negativity Bias
This is the normal human tendency to pay more attention to, and be more affected by, negative experiences or information than positive ones. During the holidays, with high expectations, this bias can be heightened, making people more prone to noticing what goes wrong.
Fight or Flight / Rest or Digest Systems
These are two branches of the autonomic nervous system. The 'fight or flight' (sympathetic) system activates during stress, increasing heart rate and vigilance, while the 'rest or digest' (parasympathetic) system promotes relaxation, slowing the heart rate and aiding digestion. Activating the latter is crucial for holiday well-being.
8 Questions Answered
Part of the reason is high expectations, fueled by cultural messages that it's 'the most wonderful time of the year.' When reality doesn't match these perfect forecasts, people can feel like they're doing it wrong or that something is wrong with them.
Instead of constantly fast-forwarding to a future moment of happiness, people should try to enjoy the journey and be present. One strategy is to harness pro-social emotions by reframing savoring as a gift to someone else, like being fully present for a niece during an activity.
Yes, scientific evidence is clear that doing for others is one of the fastest ways to increase personal happiness. Studies show that people who spend money on others or volunteer their time are happier than those who spend on themselves or keep their time.
Asking for help allows others to do something nice, which makes them feel competent and boosts their own happiness. This simple action can increase overall good cheer and reduce the asker's overwhelm.
Beyond thanking someone at the moment of receiving, commit to being a good gift receiver by verbally and specifically expressing gratitude, and by thanking people later when you are actually using their gift. This also helps combat hedonic adaptation.
Grateful individuals tend to sleep better, and studies suggest gratitude can reduce inflammation. It fosters a more future-oriented mindset, leading to healthier behaviors like better eating and more exercise, creating a cascade of positive physical and mental effects.
Experiencing awe has significant positive consequences, including making people feel more socially connected, even when alone in nature. During the holidays, awe can come from moral actions, collective effervescence (like singing together), and the beauty of art and music.
Watching a flame can help activate the 'rest or digest' (parasympathetic) nervous system, counteracting the 'fight or flight' (sympathetic) system often triggered by holiday stress. The slow movement of the flame can entrain one's breath, leading to relaxation and a meditative state, while also providing light during dark winter days.
19 Actionable Insights
1. Engage in Pro-Social Giving
Actively engage in giving to others, either by donating money to charity or volunteering time, as this is a scientifically proven fast way to increase personal happiness.
2. Overcome Under-Sociality Bias
Recognize and overcome the tendency to underestimate how good acts of kindness (like compliments or small gifts) feel for both the giver and receiver, then act on this understanding to boost happiness for all.
3. Prioritize Experiences Over Gifts
Focus on giving gifts of experiences (e.g., gift cards for activities or courses) or the experience of your presence, as these contribute more to happiness than material possessions.
4. Combat the Arrival Fallacy
Avoid the ‘I’ll be happy when…’ mindset by consciously savoring the present journey and moments, rather than constantly fast-forwarding to a predicted perfect future event.
5. Cultivate Daily Gratitude
Practice daily gratitude by writing down three to five things you are grateful for in a journal, which is a simple yet effective way to increase overall happiness.
6. Manage Holiday Expectations
Adjust your expectations for the holiday season to be realistic rather than expecting it to be ’the most wonderful time of the year,’ which can lead to feelings of stress, sadness, or inadequacy if things aren’t perfect.
7. Practice Small Acts of Service
Perform easy acts of service for others, such as texting a friend, giving a compliment, or expressing gratitude, to boost overall happiness without requiring a major project.
8. Ask for Help
Don’t hesitate to ask for help, especially for easy tasks, as it allows others to feel competent and helpful, boosting their happiness and fostering a sense of connection.
9. Harness Pro-Social Savoring
Frame savoring as a gift to others by being fully present and engaged in shared experiences, even when personally frustrated, to create positive memories and connections.
10. Be a Good Gift Receiver
Practice being a good gift receiver by verbally and specifically expressing gratitude for gifts, detailing why the item is helpful or appreciated, rather than just a generic ’thank you.’
11. Express Gratitude Later
Extend gratitude beyond the initial gift-opening by thanking people later when you are actually using their gift, reinforcing the relationship and fighting hedonic adaptation.
12. Appreciate Intention Behind Gifts
Shift focus from the material object of a gift to the intention, effort, and care of the giver, appreciating the relatedness and connection it represents.
13. Reset Perfectionist Expectations
Give yourself permission to be imperfect and aim for ‘85-89%’ completion, especially during busy times like the holidays, to reduce overwhelm and foster social connection.
14. Embrace Scruffy Hospitality
Practice ‘scruffy hospitality’ by allowing imperfections in hosting (e.g., unfinished cookies, a messy house) to create a more comfortable and vulnerable atmosphere for guests, encouraging social connection.
15. Seek Awe-Inspiring Experiences
Actively seek out awe-inspiring experiences, such as art, music, nature, moral actions, or collective effervescence, as these foster social connection and positive emotions.
16. Practice Mindful Breathing with Flames
Use the visual of a candle flame or fire to practice mindful breathing, allowing your breath to entrain to the slow movement of the flame, which activates the parasympathetic nervous system for relaxation.
17. Develop a Delight Practice
Combat negativity bias by developing a ‘delight practice’ where you actively look for and share delightful things you encounter, ideally with others, to train your attention towards positive experiences.
18. Create Personal, Meaningful Rituals
Invent and embrace your own personal, even ‘dumb’ or absurd, rituals and traditions, especially if existing ones are frustrating, as these can create new meaning, connection, and positive feelings.
19. Savor Gift Opening with Rituals
Create rituals for gift opening, such as opening one present at a time or expressing gratitude between gifts, to encourage savoring, especially for children.
6 Key Quotes
It's really not the objective way that a situation plays out. It's really our expectation that affects how we think about it. So if our expectations are really high, even a reasonably good, just fine holiday can make us feel kind of crappy.
Lori Santos
Doing for others is one of the fastest ways to make ourselves happy.
Lori Santos
We kind of know that doing nice stuff for others is going to be good, but we completely underestimate how good it's going to feel. Both for the other person, but also for us.
Lori Santos
The act of asking for help often lets somebody do something nice for you.
Lori Santos
When you're more grateful, you're more future-oriented. You eat a little bit healthier. You go to the gym a little bit more. That by itself is going to reduce inflammation.
Lori Santos
You could be the biggest atheist in the world, but something's pumping through your brain that's making you feel really socially connected.
Lori Santos
3 Protocols
Savoring Gifts with Kids
Lori Santos- Go around the room and have everyone open one present at a time.
- In between each present, have people comment on the gift or share something they are grateful for.
Being a Good Gift Receiver
Lori Santos- Verbally and clearly express gratitude about the gift at the moment of receipt.
- Make expressions of gratitude specific, explaining why the gift is helpful or liked.
- Thank people again later when you are actually using the gift (e.g., via text).
Delight Practice for Gratitude
Lori Santos- Find something delightful in the world.
- Text a friend about the delightful thing you found (e.g., 'I saw this ridiculous thing, delight!').
- Continue to look for delights, especially when others are sharing theirs, to train your attention towards positive observations.