Friendships: Handling Change, Conflict and Finding New Friends
Dr. Laurie Santos, Gretchen Rubin, and Reshma Saujani discuss friendship, exploring how it evolves over time, strategies for managing conflict, and methods for forging new connections in adulthood.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to the Friendship Roundtable
Personal Efforts to Strengthen and Create Friendships
Challenges of Making New Friends in Midlife
Psychological Biases Affecting Friendship: The Liking Gap
Reshma's Approach: Maintaining a Small, Tight Friend Group
Scientific Categories of Friendship: Intimate, Relational, Communal
The Value of Different Types of Friends in Life
Friendship Shifts and Breakups in Adulthood
Navigating Different Definitions and Expectations of Friendship
Scheduling as a Major Obstacle to Maintaining Friendships
Gretchen's Four Tendencies Framework and Friendship Dynamics
Understanding Obliger Rebellion in Friendships
The Benefits of Diverse Friendships
Try This At Home: Prioritizing Friendship Over Other Demands
Try This At Home: The Power of Small, Spontaneous Gestures
Role Modeling Strong Friendships for Children
7 Key Concepts
The Liking Gap
This is a psychological bias where individuals systematically underestimate how much other people, from close friends to casual acquaintances, actually like them. This bias can lead people to be less social or deepen friendships less than they otherwise might.
Intimate Friendships
These are the 'ride or die' friends, your core crew, representing the deepest level of connection where you share everything and are there for each other in significant ways, like the '3 AM call' friend.
Relational Friendships
These friends are people you do specific activities with, such as grabbing a glass of wine or seeing a movie. They are typically one-on-one connections but do not usually involve the same deep intimacy or '3 AM call' level of support as intimate friends.
Communal Friendships
These connections are group-based, often formed through shared activities or communities like a book club, Pilates group, church group, or parents in a child's class. They offer shared values and activities, but individual relationships within the group may not be deeply intimate.
Four Tendencies Framework
A personality framework that categorizes individuals into Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels based on how they meet or resist inner and outer expectations. Understanding these tendencies can help people navigate different expectations and behaviors in friendships.
Obliger Rebellion
This phenomenon occurs when Obligers, who readily meet outer expectations but struggle with inner ones, become overwhelmed by too many external demands. At this point, they might abruptly push back or give up on commitments, sometimes sacrificing friendships first due to burnout.
Competency vs. Warmth in Outreach
When considering reaching out to a friend, individuals tend to focus on their own 'competency' (e.g., crafting the perfect message), while the recipient primarily perceives the 'warmth' and thoughtfulness of the gesture. This bias often leads people to under-reach out, as they overestimate the awkwardness and underestimate the positive impact of their gesture.
5 Questions Answered
In midlife, people often realize they've been confusing friends with acquaintances, and maintaining close connections requires more intentional effort due to busy schedules. Friendships can also shift, with intimate friends potentially becoming relational friends, which is a normal part of life's evolution.
Making new friends in adulthood is challenging because people are generally busier, and the natural ease of meeting others in environments like college is often absent. It requires actively putting yourself out there, initiating plans, and being vulnerable, which can be taxing.
Researchers often categorize social connections into three types: intimate friendships (your closest, 'ride or die' connections), relational friends (people you engage in specific activities with), and communal friends (group-based connections like clubs or community groups).
Understanding frameworks like the Four Tendencies can help individuals be more empathetic and less resentful when friends behave differently. For example, knowing a friend is a 'Rebel' can explain why they resist scheduling far in advance, allowing for more effective communication and interaction.
People often hesitate to reach out because they focus on their own perceived 'competency' (e.g., crafting the perfect message), but the recipient primarily values the 'warmth' and thoughtfulness of the gesture. To overcome this, just send the text or make the call when you have a positive thought, as it matters more to the recipient than you think.
15 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Friendship
Actively choose friendship over other demands, such as work or family guilt, because relationships are what truly matter in life and often get deprioritized.
2. Act on Positive Thoughts
When you have a positive thought about a friend, such as a memory or appreciation for a gift, immediately send a text, make a call, or email them. Research shows these small gestures matter more and are less awkward than you might think, often leading to deeper connections.
3. Initiate Social Plans
Take the initiative to suggest specific plans like a coffee date, shopping trip, or movie outing, as people are often receptive but too busy to organize themselves.
4. Overcome Social Connection Biases
Challenge the ’liking gap’ bias, which makes you assume people like you less than they actually do, and remember that any social connection, even with an acquaintance or barista, contributes to well-being.
5. Don’t Overanalyze Acts of Kindness
When you feel an urge to do something nice or connect with a friend, don’t get caught up in overthinking the ‘competency’ of your gesture (e.g., if it’s the perfect gift or message). The recipient will primarily appreciate the warmth and thought behind it, regardless of perfection.
6. Clarify Friendship Expectations
Recognize that everyone has different, often unspoken, definitions of what constitutes a friendship (e.g., celebrating birthdays, frequency of contact). Openly discuss these expectations with close friends to avoid misunderstandings and resentment.
7. Accept Friendship Evolution
Understand that friendships can shift categories over time (e.g., from intimate to relational) due to life changes, and this doesn’t signify failure. Allow for distance when friends are going through personal struggles, knowing it may not be permanent.
8. Understand Personality Frameworks
Learn about personality frameworks, such as the Four Tendencies (Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, Rebels), to better understand how different people approach expectations and relationships. This can foster empathy and reduce conflict.
9. Adapt Communication to Personalities
Adjust your approach based on a friend’s personality type; for example, if a friend is a ‘rebel’ who dislikes scheduled commitments, suggest spontaneous, last-minute meetups instead of planning far in advance.
10. Offer Grace to Overwhelmed Friends
If a friend, especially an ‘obliger,’ appears overwhelmed and experiencing ‘obliger rebellion’ (burnout from too many external demands), proactively suggest postponing plans without making them feel guilty or pressured.
11. Use Communal Settings for New Friends
Leverage communal activities like book clubs, yoga classes, or parent groups as starting points for new friendships, as these settings provide shared values and activities that can evolve into deeper connections.
12. Define Friendship Circles
Intentionally manage your friendship circle by keeping a small, tight group for intimate connections while maintaining a larger pool of acquaintances for broader social interaction.
13. Prioritize Quality Over Quantity
Focus on the quality and engagement of time spent with friends rather than the sheer length or frequency of interactions, as deep connections can be maintained even with less frequent but highly engaged meetups.
14. Actively Seek New Friends Annually
Adopt a proactive goal of making at least one new friend each year, inspired by figures like Hillary Clinton, to continuously expand your social circle, especially in adulthood when it can be challenging.
15. Model Strong Friendships for Children
Demonstrate the value of friendships to your children by actively engaging with your friends, having people over, and participating in social activities. This shows them that adult life includes fun and meaningful relationships.
6 Key Quotes
Our minds kind of suck when it comes to thinking about friendships. Like we just have these biases that lead us towards anti-friendship or under-sociality.
Lori Santos
If you want to be friends, probably they want to be friends. And that's kind of comforting to remember.
Gretchen Rubin
It's okay if friendships shift. They don't have to be somebody who's your intimate friend, has to be your intimate friend forever. They can then become your relational friend. And that doesn't mean that you failed.
Reshma Saujani
I think we all have these kind of deep-seated, intricate ideas of what matters for friendships that we haven't told our friends.
Lori Santos
It's often the girl's trip that gets canceled. It's often the dinner with friends that gets canceled. It's often our friendships, right, that take the backseat to, like, everyone else's needs.
Reshma Saujani
When I have a positive thought about a friend, whether that's a memory or especially a gift that someone gave you... just send the text, just put in the call, just drop it in the email.
Lori Santos
2 Protocols
Prioritizing Friendship in Daily Life
Reshma Saujani- Recognize that friendships are often the first commitments to be canceled or deprioritized when other demands arise.
- When faced with a conflict between personal obligations (e.g., work, family demands) and friendship plans (e.g., a girls' trip, dinner with friends), intentionally choose friendship.
- Understand that prioritizing friendships is crucial for your own happiness and well-being, and it also serves as valuable role modeling for your children.
Overcoming the 'Under-Reaching Out' Bias
Lori Santos- When you have a positive thought about a friend (e.g., a memory, appreciation for a gift, or simply thinking of them), act on that urge immediately.
- Send a quick text, make a call, or drop an email to express that thought, even if it feels small or insignificant.
- Do not overanalyze the message or worry about your 'competency' in crafting it; the recipient will primarily perceive the 'warmth' and thoughtfulness of your gesture, which matters more than you think.