Happiness Lessons of The Ancients: Forgiveness
Dr. Laurie Santos speaks with Miroslav Volf, a Yale Divinity School theologian, about forgiveness. Inspired by his family's journey after a childhood tragedy, Volf explains how forgiveness, understood as "ungluing the deed from the doer," is a powerful gift that benefits both the giver and receiver, fostering healing and new possibilities.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Introduction to the Challenge of Forgiving Wrongdoers
Miroslav Volf's Family Story: Tragedy and Forgiveness
Christian Understanding of Forgiveness: Love of Enemy
Defining Forgiveness: A Gift and Unsticking the Deed from the Doer
Misconceptions About Forgiveness: What it is Not
The Arduous Process and Surprising Benefits of Forgiveness
Forgiveness for Healing Relationships and Social Connection
Forgiveness as a Gift to the Giver: Happiness Science
How Forgiveness Helped Miroslav's Family Heal
Practical Steps: Forgiveness as a Messy, Gradual Practice
The Importance of Self-Forgiveness
Cultural Implications of Forgiveness
3 Key Concepts
Forgiveness (Christian tradition)
In Christian thought, forgiveness is fundamentally a gift from the injured person to the injurer, where the injured chooses not to count the wrongdoing against the other. It's about 'unsticking the deed from the doer,' allowing the doer to be freed from their past action and opening a path for future relationship, often to be offered an infinite number of times.
Unsticking the deed from the doer
This concept describes the core act of forgiveness, where one separates the person (the doer) from the specific wrong action they committed. It means relating to the person as if they had not done that particular wrong, preventing the deed from merging with and permanently qualifying the doer or the relationship.
Forgiveness as a practice
Miroslav Volf emphasizes that forgiveness is not a single, one-time event but a continuous, messy process. It involves an ongoing commitment where one may forgive, then take it back at moments of inner turmoil, and then forgive again, gradually growing into it over time without expecting perfection.
7 Questions Answered
In Christian thought, forgiveness is understood as a gift from the injured person to the injurer, where the injured chooses not to count the wrongdoing against the other, effectively 'unsticking the deed from the doer.' It is a fundamental stance, often described as needing to be offered an infinite number of times.
Forgiveness is not about saying the action was okay, disregarding the wrong, or making everything right; it acknowledges that a significant injustice has occurred. It also doesn't mean the done deed can be undone, but rather addresses how the deed qualifies the doer and the relationship.
Forgiveness provides a sense of release from internal turmoil and the burden of the past, opening up new possibilities for the future. It can heal relationships, improve physical health (reducing cardiac stress, improving sleep, immune function), and mental health (decreasing depression and anger, increasing hope and self-confidence).
Forgiveness is essential for healing relationships, especially when one cannot exit them. It acts as a gift that offers the possibility for a joint future with the wrongdoer, often working in conjunction with repentance from the other person.
Forgiveness is not a zero-sum game; by giving the gift of forgiveness, the giver enhances themselves in many domains, leading to better life outcomes and a therapeutic sense of self-transcendence beyond the injured self.
Forgiveness is not a one-time event but a messy, gradual practice. It involves repeatedly returning to the act of forgiving, sometimes taking it back, and forgiving again, without expecting perfection or complete agreement on the wrong committed.
To forgive oneself, it's important to distinguish between the core self and the actions one has committed. The Christian tradition suggests there's a core self loved by God, untouched by wrongdoings, allowing for self-forgiveness by separating the 'donkiness' of actions from the essential self.
14 Actionable Insights
1. Give the Gift of Forgiveness
Understand forgiveness as a gift where you, the injured person, choose not to count the wrongdoing against the injurer, effectively ‘unsticking the deed from the doer’ to relate to them as if the wrong had not occurred.
2. Embrace Forgiveness as Practice
Understand that forgiveness is not a single event but a messy, gradual, and ongoing practice, involving repeatedly forgiving and re-committing to forgiveness over time, rather than expecting perfection.
3. Heal Relationships Through Forgiveness
Utilize forgiveness as an essential step to heal and reconstitute relationships, especially those from which you cannot easily exit, by opening up the possibility for a shared future.
4. Distinguish Core Self for Self-Forgiveness
To forgive yourself, differentiate between your core self and your actions, recognizing that there is an essential, untouched core within you that is worthy of love, separate from any wrongdoings or sufferings.
5. Embrace Setbacks with Pride
When faced with life’s setbacks, remember the Stoics and try to embrace these challenges, feeling pride in your ability to cheerfully bounce back from misfortune.
6. Cultivate Love for Wrongdoers
Adopt the fundamental stance of loving your enemy or wrongdoer, understanding that forgiveness is the primary way to express this love.
7. Forgive Infinitely
Commit to forgiving an infinite number of times, rather than setting a limit, as a fundamental stance towards others’ wrongdoings.
8. Acknowledge Wrongdoing Before Forgiving
Before forgiving, fundamentally recognize that a wrongdoing has occurred and that injustice needs to be addressed, as forgiveness is not about disregarding the wrong.
9. Don’t Excuse or Ignore Wrongs
Do not confuse forgiveness with making everything okay, saying the action was all right, or ignoring the need for justice; forgiveness applies to significant injuries and acknowledges that a wrong has occurred.
10. Forgive Voluntarily, Not Forced
Approach forgiveness as a voluntary act, recognizing that it cannot be forced, and wait until you genuinely feel ready to give it as a gift.
11. Accept Provisional Forgiveness
Live with the provisional nature of forgiveness, accepting that the good achieved might be broken or imperfect, but is nonetheless the good that’s worth pursuing.
12. Use Texts for Forgiveness Motivation
If part of a religious tradition, invoke and quote scriptural texts or grand stories to nudge, propel, and justify the act of forgiveness, helping to align your character with desired virtues.
13. Express Forgiveness Directly
Consider directly expressing your forgiveness to the person who wronged you, as this can bring a sense of release and new growth to both parties involved.
14. Focus on Others’ Sacred Core
When relationships are disturbed, concentrate on the sacred, unchangeable core of the other person, loving and holding their integrity, which can help transform relationships.
4 Key Quotes
You can put it this way, to unstick the deed from the doer. That's what forgiveness does.
Miroslav Volf
Forgiveness is this very arduous process at the end of which there is a sense of release, release from the burden of the internal turmoil, a sense of having done something that deep down within us, many of us feel is the right thing to do, but that it is very difficult to do, a kind of release into new possibilities for the future that precisely this wrongdoing has robbed us from.
Miroslav Volf
Daddy, would you love me if I became a donkey?
Miroslav Volf's son
Of course, of course, Nathaniel, no matter what happens to you, you are mine, no matter what you turn into.
Miroslav Volf