How Good Manners Made Me Happier (with Etiquette Expert William Hanson)
Etiquette expert William Hansen explains how good manners are about respect, civility, and compassion. He reveals the logical origins of formal behaviors and how embracing etiquette can provide structure, reduce social anxiety, and foster happiness through stronger social bonds and mindfulness.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
Introduction to William Hansen and His Etiquette Philosophy
William's Childhood Experience with Etiquette and Personal Growth
Etiquette as a Framework for Coping with Uncertainty
Defining Etiquette: Respect, Tolerance, and Civility
Historical Origins and Evolution of Etiquette
The Logic Behind Specific Dining Etiquette Rules
Historical Reasons for Seating Charts and Guest of Honor Placement
Origins of Boy-Girl Seating and Napkin Sizes
Etiquette's Role in Rites of Passage and Psychological Protection
Strategies for Reducing Uncertainty at Dinner Parties
Etiquette as a 'Brake' for Savoring Life and Boosting Anticipation
Dress Codes and Honoring Others
The Importance and Power of Expressing Gratitude Through Thank You Letters
Etiquette in the Modern Era: Gender Norms and AI Interactions
William Hansen's Essential Etiquette Tips
5 Key Concepts
Etiquette
Etiquette is fundamentally about treating people with respect, tolerance, compassion, civility, charm, and grace. It provides a framework that gives structure and confidence in social situations, helping to reduce uncertainty rather than being merely a set of prissy rules.
Inclusive Etiquette
While historically etiquette was designed to exclude and mark social status, modern good etiquette is inclusive. It aims to bring people together by providing shared expectations and understanding of how to behave, evolving democratically with human society.
Etiquette as a Psychological Shield
Knowing and practicing etiquette can serve as a psychological shield, providing a sense of control and competence in social interactions. This can be particularly helpful in navigating awkward phases of life, like puberty, or uncertain social environments.
Etiquette as a 'Brake'
Etiquette encourages slowing down and taking time in a fast-paced world, such as through the preparation for a dinner party or the thoughtful composition of a letter. This pause allows for anticipation and savoring of experiences, which research shows can boost happiness.
Other-Oriented Etiquette
The core principle of etiquette is consideration for other people before ourselves, fostering a 'homogenous unit' where individuals put each other first. This other-oriented approach, such as expressing gratitude or honoring a host, is scientifically linked to boosting one's own happiness.
8 Questions Answered
Etiquette is fundamentally about treating people with respect, tolerance, compassion, civility, charm, and grace, providing a framework for social interactions.
Etiquette provides a framework of expected behaviors, giving individuals structure and confidence in social situations, which can act as a shield against anxiety, especially during formative years or uncertain times.
This rule originated in medieval times when trestle tables were used; placing elbows on the table, especially for adults, could tip the table and spill food, which was carefully balanced in the center.
This tradition stems from medieval times when people carried swords on their left hip; seating the guest of honor to the right allowed the host to draw their sword and protect them if attacked.
In Georgian England, as courtship evolved, alternating genders allowed couples to have private conversations, and it also accommodated the voluminous dresses women wore, which required assistance to get in and out of chairs.
The 'BMW' rule helps remember the placement of items: B for bread plate on the left, M for meal plate in the middle, and W for wine glasses on the right, as you look at your place setting.
Thank you letters are powerful because they demonstrate significant effort (handwriting, postage) in an era of instant digital communication, carrying more weight and earning 'brownie points' for the sender.
Etiquette helps by slowing down life, encouraging anticipation and savoring of events, fostering a sense of honoring others, and promoting other-oriented behaviors like expressing gratitude, all of which boost happiness.
29 Actionable Insights
1. Practice Respectful Etiquette
Understand and practice etiquette as a means of treating people with respect, tolerance, compassion, civility, charm, and grace, which makes interactions more pleasant and creates a better world.
2. Maintain Constant Respect
Consistently treat people with respect, even when the world around is uncertain, and strive to raise the standard of behavior for everyone, including those in higher office.
3. Use Etiquette for Structure
Adopt etiquette as a framework to navigate uncertain times, as it provides parameters and clarifies expectations, offering a sense of structure and confidence in social situations.
4. Foster Inclusion with Etiquette
Employ good etiquette and manners to be inclusive and bring people together, as it helps everyone understand what to do and what is expected, making social interactions smoother and more welcoming.
5. Write Handwritten Thank You Letters
Express gratitude through handwritten thank you letters, as the effort involved in putting pen to paper and mailing it makes them more powerful and impactful than quick digital messages, often yielding significant ‘brownie points’.
6. Say “Please” and “Thank You”
Incorporate “please” and “thank you” into your interactions frequently, even with smart speakers, to keep the politeness muscle honed and show appreciation, as you cannot say them enough.
7. Use People’s Names
Make an effort to use people’s names as much as possible when interacting with them, as hearing one’s own name releases a “happiness valve” and improves responsiveness and connection.
8. Make Eye Contact
Consistently make eye contact with people when you talk to them, especially during greetings, as it shows engagement and respect.
9. Practice a Good Handshake
In Western cultures, execute a good handshake by making eye contact, locking fingers and thumb, and delivering two firm but not overly strong pumps.
10. Honor Hosts with Dress Codes
Follow dress codes and other expectations when invited to an event, as it honors the host’s effort and the friendship, rather than disrespecting their wishes.
11. Savor Experiences with Etiquette
Employ etiquette in planning events, such as considering seating or napkins, to create pauses and allow for anticipation and savoring, which boosts happiness and enjoyment.
12. Prioritize Guest Comfort
When hosting, ensure a comfortable environment for your guests by not over-inviting for your space and providing adequate seating, rather than trying to cram too many people in.
13. Set an Inviting Table
Put effort into creating an inviting table and room setting for guests, as a well-considered presentation helps them feel more welcome and relaxed, contributing to good hospitality.
14. Ensure Guest Cleanliness
Always provide a clean table, cutlery, and glassware for guests, as visible fingerprints or grubby items are unappetizing and unhygienic.
15. Keep Background Music Low
When playing music at a social gathering, keep the volume very low in the background, as loud music can be distracting and the best soundtrack is people chatting and laughing.
16. Don’t Stress Homemade Food
When entertaining, remember that the food doesn’t have to be homemade or phenomenal; it can be bought in or simply passable, as the social connection is more important than culinary perfection.
17. Balance Complaints with Positives
When expressing complaints, aim for a minimum two-to-one ratio of positive comments to negative ones, balancing criticism with appreciation.
18. Maintain a Napkin Collection
Acquire a collection of cloth napkins of various sizes, as they are more pleasant and refined than paper alternatives, and different sizes serve different purposes in etiquette.
19. Use Quality Paper Napkins
If opting for paper napkins instead of cloth, choose thicker, multi-ply varieties available in stores, as they are more pleasant than flimsy alternatives.
20. Inquire About Unfamiliar Food
If presented with unfamiliar food and unsure how to eat it, don’t hesitate to politely ask your host for suggestions on the best way to enjoy it.
21. Observe Others for Cues
When unsure about etiquette in a social setting, subtly observe what others are doing, as their actions can provide guidance on expected behavior.
22. Avoid Elbows on Table
Refrain from putting your elbows on the table during a formal meal, as it was historically to prevent tipping trestle tables and practically makes eating with a knife and fork difficult due to misaligned angles.
23. Use BMW for Place Setting
Remember the “BMW” mnemonic (Bread on Left, Meal in Middle, Wine on Right) to correctly identify your bread plate and avoid taking someone else’s.
24. Pull Out Chairs for Others
Offer to pull out chairs for anyone you are sitting next to, regardless of their gender identity, as a gesture of politeness and a nod to historical necessity.
25. Balance Gender at Table
When arranging seating, balance the gender distribution across the table to avoid clusters of any particular gender, ensuring a more dynamic and inclusive social environment.
26. Separate Married Couples at Dinner
Seat married couples slightly apart at dinner parties to encourage them to talk to other guests and enjoy a change of conversation, rather than solely interacting with their spouse.
27. Seat Engaged Couples Together
Seat engaged couples next to each other at dinner parties to allow them to have private conversations and get to know each other better, as historical courtship was less informal.
28. Seat Guest of Honor Right
When hosting, seat the guest of honor to the host’s immediate right, a tradition stemming from historical necessity where one would draw a sword from the left hip to protect the person on their right.
29. Seek Thank You Letter Inspiration
If struggling to write a thank you letter, seek inspiration from examples or even AI tools to help determine length and tone, as some form of gratitude is better than none.
7 Key Quotes
I decided to save the napkins and was very carefully moving them out whilst the flat burned around me.
William Hansen
Etiquette is just about treating people with respect, tolerance, compassion, civility, charm, grace, whatever similar word you want to put in.
William Hansen
Most things have been developed with a logic. And it's normally those that don't understand the logic whose default reaction is, well, it doesn't matter. Well, it does.
William Hansen
Your bread plate is on the left. If you start taking bread from the right hand side, that's someone else's bread plate. That's stealing. That's very bad manners.
William Hansen
The best soundtrack to any sort of party is just people chatting and laughing.
William Hansen
You cannot say please or thank you enough.
William Hansen
I still will ask whatever my smart speaker is called... I'll say do this, please, which I think is it's nice. It's we need to sort of keep keep the reflex and keep the politeness muscle honed.
William Hansen
2 Protocols
Hosting a Social Gathering with 'Scruffy Hospitality'
William Hansen- Ensure a comfortable environment with adequate seating for all guests.
- The food does not have to be cooked by yourself; it can be bought in and only needs to be passable, not phenomenal.
- Provide a clean table, clean cutlery, and clean glassware.
- Use nice napkins; thick, proper paper napkins are acceptable if cloth is too much effort.
- If playing music, keep it very low in the background, as the best soundtrack to any party is people chatting and laughing.
William Hansen's Top Etiquette Tips
William Hansen- Make eye contact with people when you talk to them, especially when you greet them.
- Have a good handshake: in the West, this means two pumps, locking the fingers and the thumb, with eye contact, firm but not too firm.
- Try to use people's names as much as possible, as hearing one's own name releases a 'happiness valve'.
- Say 'please' and 'thank you' as often as possible.