How to Be a Better Ally
This episode of The Happiness Lab, featuring podcasters James Barr and Dan Hudson, explores the psychology behind inaction against injustice and provides evidence-based tips for becoming an active ally. It emphasizes embracing discomfort and a growth mindset to fight bigotry.
Deep Dive Analysis
18 Topic Outline
The Need to Fight Injustice and Address Structural Problems
The Pain of Silence: James Barr's Pulse Tragedy Experience
From Believer to Builder: Actively Fighting Bias
Unseen Systemic Injustice: The Spy Pen Analogy
The Mental Cost of Avoiding Appearing Prejudiced
Motivated Reasoning: The 'Hard Knock Life' Phenomenon
Embracing 'Good-ish' Over 'Good' as a Moral Standard
Bridging Differences: The 'A Gay and a Non-Gay' Podcast
The Power of Awkwardness and Apology in Allyship
Fixed vs. Growth Mindsets in Moral Identity
Leveraging Ordinary Privilege for Greater Impact
Dan Hudson's Journey and Public Allyship
Richard Lapchick's Early Introduction to Racial Injustice
Generations of Allyship: Joe Lapchick's Stand in Sports
Richard Lapchick's Lifelong Commitment and Personal Sacrifices
Practical Steps for Becoming an Ally
The Selfless Nature and Rewards of Allyship
Hope for a More Just Future and Personal Happiness
8 Key Concepts
Builder (Dolly Chug)
An individual who moves beyond simply believing in justice and actively takes steps to counter bigotry and violence, similar to being an 'anti-racist.' This involves building skills and tools to translate beliefs into action.
Anti-racist (Ibram Kendi)
A person who not only doesn't believe in bigoted ideas but actively confronts and works against the structural inequalities and internalized assumptions learned from an unjust society, rather than just being 'not racist.'
Motivated Reasoning
A psychological process where our minds 'cook the facts' or distort memories to avoid discomfort, especially when our self-image as a decent person is threatened by the recognition of privilege or unfair advantage.
Good-ish Person (Dolly Chug)
A higher standard than merely being a 'good person,' it describes someone who never assumes they are perfect but is always seeking ways to learn, identify blind spots, and consider different perspectives to improve their actions and understanding.
Fixed Mindset (Carol Dweck)
A belief that one's moral identity or abilities are static and unchangeable, leading to a withdrawal of attention from mistakes because there's perceived no point in looking at them since growth isn't expected.
Growth Mindset (Carol Dweck)
A belief that one's moral identity and abilities can be developed through work and learning from mistakes, leading to a willingness to embrace challenges and devote neural resources to understanding errors as opportunities for improvement.
Ordinary Privilege (Dolly Chug)
The phenomenon where individuals from non-marginalized groups have more influence and standing when they speak out against bigotry, often being judged less negatively and eliciting more guilt from offenders compared to a marginalized person saying the same thing.
Cookie-seeking behavior
A term used by activists to describe the act of seeking rewards, recognition, or praise for one's allyship, which can be counterproductive and create more emotional labor for the marginalized group one is allegedly trying to help.
8 Questions Answered
Many well-intentioned people who believe in justice do nothing because they are unsure how to act, or they are held back by psychological biases like motivated reasoning and the desire to avoid seeming prejudiced.
Individuals need to become 'builders' by developing skills and tools to translate beliefs into action, actively confronting internalized biases, and embracing a 'good-ish' mindset that prioritizes continuous learning over perceived perfection.
Worries about appearing prejudiced can consume significant mental bandwidth, making people less likely to reach out, take action, or engage in difficult conversations, and can even lead to cognitive and emotional exhaustion in interracial interactions.
Motivated reasoning is when our minds 'cook the facts' or distort memories to avoid discomfort, such as when white individuals, after being reminded of racial privilege, claim their own lives have been harder to mitigate feelings of unfair benefit.
A fixed mindset believes moral identity is static ('I'm a good person or I'm not'), causing people to withdraw from mistakes. A growth mindset acknowledges that being a good person requires work and mistakes, leading to embracing learning opportunities and dedicating more attention to errors.
Non-marginalized individuals possess 'ordinary privilege,' meaning they often have more influence and standing, are judged less negatively, and can elicit more guilt and apologies from offenders when calling out racist or bigoted behavior.
Allies must understand that their role is not about them, avoid 'cookie-seeking behavior' (seeking rewards or recognition for allyship), and recognize that they can never fully understand the experience of a marginalized person, even after experiencing related hardships.
Engaging in allyship and fighting injustice, despite the discomfort, can lead to an incredibly happy life, provide a profound sense of purpose and meaning, and build greater emotional resilience.
20 Actionable Insights
1. Adopt a Growth Mindset
Cultivate a growth mindset, acknowledging that becoming a good person and ally requires continuous work and learning from mistakes, rather than assuming your moral identity is fixed. This allows for improvement and sustained engagement in social justice.
2. Strive to Be “Good-ish”
Let go of the need to be seen as a “good person” and instead strive to be “good-ish,” meaning you never assume you are good enough and are always looking for ways to learn and identify blind spots. This higher standard encourages continuous self-improvement and humility.
3. Own Mistakes Directly
When you inevitably make a mistake as an ally, immediately own the harm caused by saying “I am sorry” without caveats like “if you were offended.” This demonstrates accountability and a commitment to learning and doing better in the future.
4. Intentionally Embrace Discomfort
Be willing to intentionally take on discomfort in the fight against injustice, recognizing it as a necessary step. This approach is crucial for building a genuinely happier and fairer world for all, as marginalized groups do not get to avoid it.
5. Acknowledge Your Privilege
Resist the urge to deny or downplay your privileges by fabricating hardships when confronted with the greater obstacles faced by marginalized groups. This helps overcome “motivated reasoning” and fosters a more honest self-assessment of your position.
6. Actively Seek Systemic Injustice
Unless you directly experience oppression, you must actively “shine an ultraviolet light” and look for systemic inequalities. This is necessary because these structures are often invisible to those not directly affected, requiring intentional effort to see them.
7. Confront Internalized Biases
It’s not enough to simply not be racist; actively confront and acknowledge the biases and assumptions you’ve internalized from growing up in an unjust society. This helps move from passive belief to active anti-racism.
8. Overcome Fear of Missteps
Recognize that the urge to be seen as unprejudiced and the fear of saying the wrong thing can prevent you from taking action. Push past this discomfort to engage more effectively, as any comment is better than silence.
9. Use Your Ordinary Privilege
Recognize that non-marginalized individuals often have more influence when calling out bigotry. Use this “ordinary privilege” to speak up, as it can be more effective and reduce the burden on marginalized groups.
10. Amplify Marginalized Voices
When using your privilege, do not center yourself; instead, amplify what marginalized individuals are saying, create space for them to be heard, and then step aside. This ensures their voices are heard without being overshadowed.
11. Offer Direct Support
Even awkward comments are better than silence when someone is affected by injustice; a simple “Are you okay?” and a hug can make a significant difference. This shows you see and acknowledge their experience, preventing feelings of isolation.
12. Engage Diverse Perspectives
Step out of your comfort bubble and engage with people from different identities and experiences, even if it feels exhausting or requires explaining your lived reality. This broadens understanding and builds empathy.
13. View Difficulty as Learning
When faced with challenging topics or actions related to allyship, reframe the difficulty as an opportunity to learn and grow. This helps maintain engagement rather than running away from complex issues.
14. Get Involved in Social Justice
Move off the sidelines and get involved in social justice issues by picking an issue, reading and studying it, finding an organization, and volunteering. Even a small start contributes to addressing systemic oppression.
15. Practice Selfless Allyship
Engage in allyship as a selfless act, without seeking rewards or “cookies” from the marginalized group you’re trying to help. This prevents creating more emotional labor for them and keeps the focus on the cause itself.
16. Find Purpose in Discomfort
Embrace the discomfort that comes with fighting injustice, as it can lead to personal growth, strength, and a profound sense of purpose and happiness. This provides an unexpected personal reward for doing good.
17. Actively Counter Bigotry
Don’t just believe in justice; actively work to counter bigotry and violence that affects many identities daily. This is necessary to create a happier and more equitable society for all.
18. Develop Skills for Action
Move beyond just believing in diversity and inclusion by actively building skills and acquiring tools to translate beliefs into action. This transforms you from a “believer” into a “builder” of a more just world.
19. Use “Yet” for Growth
To foster a growth mindset, remind yourself that you can change by adding “yet” to your self-assessment, e.g., “I’m not a good person yet, but I can be if I put in some work.” This simple technique promotes willingness to engage and improve.
20. Maintain Hope for Change
Despite historical oppression and current challenges, maintain hope that significant positive change is possible if collective effort and determination are applied. This long-term perspective fuels sustained engagement in the struggle for justice.
8 Key Quotes
That's really triggering, because you feel alone. It takes you back to being at your mum's house when you realized you're gay and you can't tell anyone.
James Barr
To go from believing something to building something, to go from the belief to the action, we have to build some skills, we need some tools.
Dolly Chug
You've got to do that much work to see the systemic stuff, unless you're experiencing it directly.
Dolly Chug
We are going to screw up. Period. We are. And when we mess up, we need to immediately own the harm we've caused.
Dolly Chug
I'm not a good person yet, but I can be if I put in some work.
Dr. Laurie Santos
Silence equals death and that we need to stand up and say something and we're meant to feel uncomfortable, right?
James Barr
Everybody can't be on the front lines, but everybody's got to go off the sidelines.
Richard Lapchick
If that man who had been a political prisoner in the most racist system of government on the face of the earth in the second half of the 20th century could become its president, then anything and everything is possible if we put our mind to it.
Richard Lapchick
2 Protocols
How to Apologize When You Mess Up (Dolly Chug)
Dolly Chug- Immediately own the harm you've caused.
- State 'I am sorry' (avoiding phrases like 'I am sorry if you were offended' or 'I'm sorry if you took it that way').
- Acknowledge the harm: 'I have done harm. I have messed up.'
- Commit to learning and doing better in the future: 'I am going to do better. I am going to learn.'
How to Get Involved in Social Justice (Richard Lapchick)
Richard Lapchick- Go off the sidelines and get involved in some way.
- Pick whatever the issue is you want to be part of.
- Read about it, study it, and understand it.
- Find an organization that's doing something about it.
- Volunteer for it.
- Become emboldened to do more after gaining initial experience.