How to Bounce Back from Life’s Curveballs (with Dr. Maya Shankar)
Dr. Laurie Santos speaks with Dr. Maya Shankar, author of "The Other Side of Change" and host of "A Slight Change of Plans," about navigating unexpected life changes. They discuss reframing change as an opportunity for growth, exploring new possible selves, practicing self-compassion, and breaking rumination cycles.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to Navigating Unexpected Change
Two Core Reasons We Fear Change
Maya Shankar's Personal Story of Unexpected Change
Understanding the Illusion of Control
Overcoming the End of History Illusion
How Unexpected Change Transforms Us
Embracing Change as an Opportunity for Revelation
Strategy: Practicing Self-Affirmation
Strategy: Exploring and Questioning Possible Selves
Techniques for Discovering More Possible Selves
Strategy: Defining Identity by 'Why' Not 'What'
Strategy: Cultivating Self-Compassion
Strategy: Breaking Free from Rumination Cycles
Techniques for Distancing from Emotions and Thoughts
Strategy: Lessening the Need for Cognitive Closure
Summary of Strategies for Embracing Change
7 Key Concepts
Uncertainty Aversion
Our brains are not wired to enjoy uncertainty, leading to stress. Research shows people are more stressed by a 50% chance of a negative event than a 100% chance, preferring certainty even of a bad outcome.
Illusion of Control
Most people overestimate their ability to influence outcomes and dictate their lives. When a big, unexpected negative change occurs, this illusion shatters, forcing a confrontation with the true limits of control.
End of History Illusion
We greatly underestimate how much we will change in the future, despite acknowledging significant past changes. This leads to a false belief that our current self is the 'finished product' who will navigate all future experiences.
Apocalypse (as Revelation)
The word 'apocalypse' comes from the Greek 'apocalypsis,' meaning revelation. While change can upend things, it can also reveal previously hidden insights about who we are, our beliefs, abilities, and perspectives.
Moral Elevation
This is the warm, fuzzy feeling experienced when witnessing someone else's extraordinary actions (kindness, resilience, courage). It changes our brains by challenging our understanding of human capabilities, cracking open our imagination of who we can be.
Affect Labeling
This involves identifying and naming specific negative emotions you are experiencing. Research shows that naming emotions fosters psychological distance, shifting perspective from 'being' the emotion to simply 'having' the emotion.
Cognitive Closure
This refers to the human craving for clear, definitive answers and black-and-white clarity. Taming rumination in the long term involves becoming more comfortable with uncertainty and letting go of the desperate need to find answers when none exist.
8 Questions Answered
We fear change because it often brings uncertainty, which our brains dislike, and it involves a sense of loss or grief, even when the change is positive. It can also threaten our sense of identity, leaving us feeling unmoored.
When a big, unexpected negative change occurs, it shatters our illusion of control, forcing us to confront the true limits of our ability to dictate outcomes in our lives.
This illusion causes us to falsely believe that our current self is the final version, underestimating future change. This makes us think our present self must navigate the entire experience of change, rather than recognizing we will evolve through it.
Major disruptions can accelerate internal transformation by uncovering unexpected insights about who we are, revealing previously hidden beliefs, abilities, and new perspectives, much like an 'apocalypse' (revelation).
We can find more possible selves by experiencing 'moral elevation' (witnessing others' extraordinary actions), surrounding ourselves with new ideas, and challenging our existing beliefs about what's possible for us.
We can stop self-blame by engaging in self-compassion, which involves recognizing our suffering, mindfully engaging with emotions, and understanding that our feelings are part of a shared human experience, interpreting events as happening 'to' us rather than 'because of' us.
Strategies include seeking awe-inspiring experiences to shift focus away from self, using affect labeling to identify and distance from specific negative emotions, and employing mental time travel to gain perspective on current problems.
We can use mental time travel to contextualize present challenges within our life story or humanity's story, or project into the future to see if the problem will still matter. Another way is to coach ourselves like we would a friend, gaining an objective, third-party perspective.
17 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Personal Transformation
Recognize that major disruptions in life can accelerate internal transformation, uncovering unexpected insights, abilities, and perspectives about yourself. This empowers you to shape the person you become in response to new circumstances.
2. Reframe Questions During Change
Instead of asking ‘How the hell am I going to navigate this change?’, ask ‘How will I, with potentially new capabilities and perspectives and values, navigate this change?’ This reframes the challenge by acknowledging your potential for growth.
3. Define Identity by Why
Define yourself not just by what you do, but by why you do it (e.g., loving emotional connection, self-improvement). Anchoring your identity to these core values provides a stable compass for finding new outlets to express yourself during change.
4. Cultivate Comfort with Uncertainty
Gradually build your tolerance for uncertainty and lessen your desperate need for cognitive closure, especially when clear answers are unavailable. This long-term practice helps tame rumination, which often arises from resisting uncertainty, and fosters a healthier way to embrace change.
5. Explore New Possible Selves
Actively conjure up and question your ‘possible selves’ (hoped-for, feared, expected) to broaden your imagination beyond current circumstances. This helps you identify new potential identities and motivates you to make changes.
6. Practice Self-Affirmation
Actively shift your mental spotlight towards aspects of yourself that you value and are not threatened by the current change (e.g., community, spiritual life, hobbies). This helps you zoom out, see your life through a bigger picture lens, and reduces the intensity of the threat by reminding you your identity doesn’t solely depend on what’s threatened.
7. Practice Self-Compassion
Recognize your suffering, mindfully engage with your emotions, and understand that what you’re feeling is part of a shared human experience. This helps reduce shame by interpreting events as things that happened to you, rather than because of you.
8. Seek Moral Elevation
Experience ‘moral elevation’ by witnessing someone else’s extraordinary actions (kindness, resilience, courage). This challenges your understanding of human capabilities, cracks open your imagination, and helps you envision new possibilities for yourself.
9. Surround Yourself with New Ideas
Actively seek out new information by watching documentaries, reading articles, and having conversations to open your mind to a world of possibilities. This helps challenge existing beliefs about yourself and discover new paths.
10. Identify Transferable Skills
When facing a loss or transition, remember that you haven’t lost all the skills you built (e.g., grit, tolerance for failure, love of learning). Identify these transferable skills as they will be relevant in whatever you choose to do moving forward.
11. Write to Yourself with Kindness
Write to yourself with kindness and concern, objectively describing your feelings, and brainstorming ways others may have endured similar situations. This practice significantly reduces shame and fosters self-compassion.
12. Help Other People
Look outwards and help other people, such as volunteering. This allows you to see your value and positive mark on others, boosting your self-concept and feeling connected to a larger community.
13. Seek Awe-Inspiring Experiences
Engage in experiences that evoke awe, such as listening to captivating music or observing vast natural phenomena. Awe prompts you to revise assumptions, decreases self-focus, and provides perspective by internalizing your part in a larger whole.
14. Practice Affect Labeling
Take a step back and identify specific negative emotions you’re experiencing by giving them distinct labels (e.g., frustration, despair, envy). Naming emotions fosters psychological distance, shifting your perspective from being the emotion to simply having the emotion.
15. Use Mental Time Travel
Travel forwards or backwards in time mentally to gain perspective on present challenges. Remind yourself of past resolve or imagine how you’ll feel about a problem in five hours, days, or years to see its transient nature and reduce emotional energy.
16. Coach Yourself Like Friend
When self-critical or ruminating, advise yourself with the same compassion and objective distance you would offer a friend. This allows for kinder self-talk and a more balanced perspective on your problems.
17. Overcome End of History Illusion
Acknowledge that you will change considerably in the future, just as you have in the past, rather than believing you are a ‘finished product.’ This helps you understand that a different person will navigate future experiences, making change less daunting.
6 Key Quotes
People are more stressed when they're told they have a 50% chance of receiving an electric shock than when they're told they have a 100% chance of receiving an electric shock.
Dr. Maya Shankar
I was grieving not just the loss of the instrument, but also the loss of myself.
Dr. Maya Shankar
People regard the present-day moment as this watershed moment in which they become the person they will be for the rest of their lives.
Dr. Maya Shankar
While change can upend things, it can also reveal things to us about who we are.
Dr. Maya Shankar
The relevant question to ask in the face of change isn't, how the hell am I going to navigate this change? But rather, how will I, with potentially new capabilities and perspectives and values, navigate this change?
Dr. Maya Shankar
When we experience awe, it creates these little earthquakes in our minds. It prompts us to revise our existing assumptions about the world.
Dr. Maya Shankar
4 Protocols
Self-Affirmation Exercise
Dr. Maya Shankar- Actively shift your mental spotlight towards aspects of yourself that you truly value.
- Focus on aspects of your identity that are NOT threatened by the change you are currently experiencing (e.g., community, spiritual life, hobbies).
- Remind yourself that your identity does not hinge entirely on what has been threatened by the change.
Finding More Possible Selves
Dr. Maya Shankar- Experience 'moral elevation' by witnessing someone else's extraordinary actions (kindness, resilience, courage) to challenge your understanding of human capabilities and crack open your imagination.
- Surround yourself with new ideas by watching documentaries, reading articles, and having conversations to open your mind to new possibilities.
- Remember and leverage the skills you've built from past experiences, even if the context has changed (e.g., grit, tolerance for failure, love of learning).
- Define yourself not just by 'what' you do, but by 'why' you do it (e.g., love of emotional connection, self-improvement) to find other outlets for these core motivations.
Self-Compassion Exercise
Dr. Maya Shankar- Recognize your suffering and mindfully engage with your emotions.
- Understand that what you're feeling is part of a shared human experience, reminding yourself that others have endured similar things.
- Write to yourself with kindness and concern, objectively describing your feelings.
- Brainstorm all the ways in which other people may have endured a very similar thing to what you are enduring.
- Consider looking outwards and helping other people, as volunteering can boost self-compassion by demonstrating your value to others and fostering connection.
Breaking Rumination Cycles
Dr. Maya Shankar- Seek awe-inspiring experiences (e.g., nature, music, complex ideas) to prompt a revision of existing assumptions and step outside of self-focus.
- Practice 'affect labeling' by taking a step back and identifying specific negative emotions (e.g., frustration, despair, envy) to foster psychological distance.
- Engage in 'mental time travel' by imagining how you will feel about your current problem in five hours, five days, or five years from now to gain perspective.
- Use 'psychological distancing' by coaching yourself like you would a friend, offering more compassion and an objective, third-party point of view.
- Work on lessening your 'need for cognitive closure' by slowly building tolerance for uncertainty and accepting that not all questions will have clear, definitive answers.