How to Feel Truly Loved (with Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky and Dr. Harry Reis)
Dr. Laurie Santos discusses with social psychologists Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky and Dr. Harry Reis, co-authors of "How to Feel Loved," why many don't feel loved despite being loved. They share five mindsets and practical tips to strengthen relationships and increase feelings of love.
Deep Dive Analysis
10 Topic Outline
The Disconnect Between Being Loved and Feeling Loved
Defining Love and the Importance of Feeling Loved
Consequences of Not Feeling Loved and Loneliness
Why Our Intuition About Feeling Loved is Often Wrong
Mindset 1: The Power of Sharing and Vulnerability
Mindset 2: Listening to Learn, Not to Respond
Mindset 3: Cultivating Radical Curiosity
Mindset 4: Embracing Open-Heartedness and Kindness
Mindset 5: Accepting Multiplicity in Self and Others
Applying the Mindsets and When to Reconsider Relationships
5 Key Concepts
Feeling Loved
This refers to the deep, embodied experience of affection, caring, and warmth received from others, which is distinct from merely being loved objectively. The extent to which one feels loved is considered a crucial factor for happiness.
Paradox of Vulnerability
This concept describes the counterintuitive phenomenon where revealing vulnerable or negative aspects of oneself to others, when done appropriately and at the right pace, often leads to being liked more rather than less. It helps foster deeper connections by allowing others to truly know you.
Illusion of Transparency
This is the mistaken belief that one's internal thoughts, feelings, and experiences are inherently visible or obvious to the people one is interacting with. It highlights the need for explicit communication, as others cannot read minds or fully grasp one's internal state without it.
Self-Expansion Theory
This theory suggests that one of the fundamental reasons people form close relationships is to expand their sense of self. This expansion occurs by learning new things, gaining new perspectives, and incorporating the interests and experiences of their partners into their own identity.
Communal Relationship
This type of relationship is characterized by a mutual concern for the well-being of the other person, with an expectation that this caring is reciprocated. Most deeply satisfying relationships, such as those with children, parents, or romantic partners, are communal in nature.
10 Questions Answered
The book defines love as the deep, embodied experience of affection, caring, and warmth for other people in your life with whom you are connected and whose life is intertwined with yours.
Not feeling loved is deeply connected to loneliness, often being its root cause. The consequences include a lack of emotional well-being, reduced happiness, and significant physical health problems such as heart disease and increased mortality from cancer.
People often mistakenly believe that not feeling loved is a personal failure or requires them to become more 'lovable.' However, the issue frequently stems from the dynamics of conversations and interactions within relationships, rather than a lack of inherent worth.
By approaching conversations with the intention of making the other person feel loved, you can initiate a positive cycle of interaction. This fosters deeper connection and responsiveness, which in turn makes you feel more loved.
Vulnerability is crucial because to feel truly loved, one must be genuinely known by another person. The paradox of vulnerability is that while we often fear revealing our vulnerabilities will make us liked less, it typically makes us liked more when shared appropriately.
The illusion of transparency is the belief that what is going on in our heads is visible to others, leading us to assume they understand our experiences without us explicitly articulating them. This often results in misunderstandings because people cannot read minds.
Feeling listened to builds trust, improves relationships, reduces burnout, and helps manage conflict more effectively by making individuals less defensive and fostering a sense of partnership and interdependence.
Genuine curiosity, particularly about the person rather than just the topic, allows for self-expansion by learning new things and perspectives. This leads to more positive emotions, greater well-being, and deeper, more meaningful connections.
Showing an open heart and performing acts of kindness significantly boosts one's own happiness, reduces stress and depression, increases social popularity, and even leads to genomic benefits associated with a healthier immune system.
Acknowledging multiplicity means recognizing that everyone has many facets—both wonderful traits and flaws. Being accepting of these complexities in others allows them to feel loved and accepted for their whole selves, and also fosters self-compassion for one's own shortcomings.
15 Actionable Insights
1. Change the Conversation
To feel more loved, focus on changing the way you interact in relationships rather than trying to change yourself or the other person. This approach is within your control and can initiate a positive cycle where making others feel loved leads to you feeling loved.
2. Prioritize Making Others Feel Loved
Approach conversations with the mindset of helping the other person feel loved by listening carefully and communicating genuine interest. This sets off a positive cycle where their feeling loved encourages them to reciprocate, ultimately making you feel more loved.
3. Practice Vulnerable Sharing (Gradually)
To feel truly loved, open up about your authentic self, including insecurities and flaws, rather than presenting a curated image. Start small by revealing minor struggles and gradually deepen your sharing, as vulnerability, when paced correctly, tends to increase connection and likability.
4. Actively Listen to Learn
Retrain your mind to listen with the intent to genuinely understand, as if you’ll be quizzed on the details later, rather than rehearsing your own response. Follow up with questions that show you were truly listening and gained insight, making the other person feel seen and valued.
5. Cultivate Radical Curiosity About Others
Develop genuine interest in other people by focusing on them as individuals, not just topics. Ask questions about their experiences, feelings, and how they got into their interests, which expands your own perspective and strengthens the connection.
6. Embrace Open-Heartedness & Give Kindness
Adopt a mindset of genuine caring, kindness, and generosity towards others, always giving them the benefit of the doubt and interpreting their actions in the most positive light. This not only improves relationships but also significantly boosts your own happiness and well-being, with benefits lasting for months.
7. Practice Multiplicity: Accept Others’ Flaws
Recognize that everyone has multiple facets, including shortcomings and weaknesses, and strive to be accepting and loving towards these flaws. Offer benign interpretations for negative actions and remember that a single mistake doesn’t define a person, which helps others feel loved and accepted.
8. Don’t Assume Others Know Your State
Overcome the ‘illusion of transparency’ by articulating your thoughts, feelings, and experiences clearly, even in long-term relationships. Others cannot read your mind, and being explicit helps them understand and connect with your true self.
9. Build Rituals for Deep Connection
In close relationships, establish a daily ritual, like asking ‘how was your day?’, but commit to going into it deeply. Make it a priority to ask follow-up questions and truly engage, rather than just recounting facts and moving on to other tasks.
10. Continuously Ask Deeper Questions
Avoid assuming you fully know someone, even in long-term relationships, because people are always changing. Maintain curiosity by regularly asking deeper questions about their new experiences, thoughts, doubts, fears, and dreams to keep the connection fresh and meaningful.
11. Ask Questions Others Enjoy Answering
To make others feel valued and interested, remember their passions and ask them specific questions about topics they genuinely love to discuss. This simple act makes them excited and fosters a stronger connection.
12. Practice Self-Compassion & Self-Love
Extend the open-hearted and multiplicity mindsets to yourself by having compassion for your own shortcomings and weaknesses. Self-love opens you up to receiving love from others more genuinely, as it reduces suspicion and allows you to see their kindness as authentic.
13. Short Circuit Judgment with Curiosity
When you feel judgmental about someone’s actions, consciously short-circuit that response. Instead, immediately activate curiosity by asking yourself why they might have acted that way, or imagine them as a young child, to foster a more understanding and less critical perspective.
14. View Relationship Building as Investment
Understand that applying these strategies is a gradual, long-term process, not a quick fix. Consistent effort over time is required to see significant changes in how loved you feel and the strength of your connections.
15. Reconsider Relationships Lacking Reciprocity
If, after consistent and genuine effort to apply these mindsets, a person still doesn’t respond, share, or reciprocate, it may be time to reconsider the relationship. This could involve pausing, walking away, or accepting the relationship as it is, possibly after making it a topic of conversation.
6 Key Quotes
We find that about 70%, I believe, don't feel as loved as they want.
Sonia Lubomirsky
The harm of that, in terms of physical health problems, is equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes per day.
Harry Reis
To feel a little bit more loved, we need to make other people feel loved.
Sonia Lubomirsky
It's not the sharing of information that is the important part of it. It's the conversation that follows from sharing that's important.
Harry Reis
If you want to be happy, try to make other people happy.
Sonia Lubomirsky
If you want to feel more loved, you don't have to change yourself. You don't have to change the other person. You just have to change the conversation. So it is absolutely in your control.
Sonia Lubomirsky
4 Protocols
Approach Conversations to Feel More Loved
Sonia Lubomirsky & Harry Reis- Approach the conversation with the mindset of helping the other person feel loved.
- Listen carefully and communicate genuine interest in what they have to say.
- When they tell you about something that happened to them, use phrases like 'tell me more' with genuine curiosity.
- Focus on what you can actually do to make the other person feel better, rather than trying to show off your own positive qualities.
Sharing to Build Connection and Feel Loved
Sonia Lubomirsky & Harry Reis- Start small by revealing a little more about yourself than just saying 'I'm fine' (e.g., 'I had a rough day' or 'I was struggling a little bit today').
- Gradually reveal deeper aspects of your full self over time, such as self-doubts, insecurities, or even past traumas, at an appropriate pace.
- If the other person listens well and is responsive, allowing you to feel understood and valued, let that encourage you to open up even more.
- In close relationships, make 'how was your day?' a priority conversation, going into detail and asking questions, rather than just recounting a few facts.
Listening to Learn Effectively
Sonia Lubomirsky & Harry Reis- Retrain your mind to listen like you are going to be tested on the content the next day, focusing on understanding rather than rehearsing your response.
- Ask questions that demonstrate you were truly listening and perhaps even gained an insight from what the person shared, taking the conversation to a deeper level.
- Remember what the other person genuinely wants to talk about and then ask them about it, showing that you value their interests.
Cultivating Multiplicity and Reducing Judgment
Harry Reis & Sonia Lubomirsky- No matter what you hear about someone's actions, make your first place to go to be seeing it in a non-judgmental way, considering why they might have done something they didn't mean to do.
- Short-circuit your natural tendency to respond emotionally or judgmentally, and instead, try to engage curiosity.
- In the middle of a conflict, pause and think, 'I'm so curious why they're so angry,' to shift your perspective.
- Practice self-compassion for your own judgmental tendencies, giving yourself permission to be judgmental initially and then consciously backing away from it.