How to Fight Perfectionism

13 Topic Outline

Dr. Laurie Santos's Personal Struggle with Perfectionism

Introducing Thomas Curran and the Study of Perfectionism

Misconceptions and Three Dimensions of Perfectionism

Perfectionism as an Anxiety Management Strategy

The Societal Rise of Perfectionism, Especially Socially Prescribed

Jordana Confino's Early Perfectionism and its Reinforcement

The Isolation and Health Consequences of Extreme Perfectionism

Jordana's Realization and Discovery of Positive Psychology

The 'Racehorse Analogy' and Seeing Perfectionism's Futility

Strategy: Identifying and Detaching from the Inner Critic

Strategy: Practicing Self-Compassion and Neuroplasticity

Strategy: Setting Healthier Boundaries and Saying No

Laurie's Personal Progress and Future Happiness Challenges

5 Key Concepts

Self-oriented perfectionism

This dimension of perfectionism refers to the exceptionally high standards individuals impose on themselves, often what people think of when they describe someone as a perfectionist.

Other-oriented perfectionism

This dimension involves holding other people to the same insanely high standards that one expects of oneself, often stemming from a sense of fairness or expectation.

Socially prescribed perfectionism

This is the most insidious dimension, where individuals assume other people expect them to be perfect and are constantly worried about meeting external validation and approval to avoid judgment.

Perfectionism as anxiety management

Perfectionism is viewed less as a personality trait and more as a strategy to manage anxiety, where high standards are set to prevent others from spotting perceived hidden inner defects.

Neuroplasticity

This refers to the brain's ability to change and adapt over time. By consistently practicing new thought patterns, like self-compassion, these new thoughts can become stronger and eventually instinctive.

6 Questions Answered

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What are the different dimensions of perfectionism?

Perfectionism has at least three distinct dimensions: self-oriented perfectionism (standards for oneself), other-oriented perfectionism (standards for others), and socially prescribed perfectionism (believing others expect perfection).

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Why do people become perfectionists?

Perfectionism is often an anxiety management strategy rooted in fear, where individuals set incredibly high standards because they are worried that if they don't, someone will spot their hidden inner defects or judge them harshly.

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Is perfectionism increasing in society, especially among young people?

Yes, research indicates that the average level of perfectionism in young people has increased by 33% since 1989, with socially prescribed perfectionism seeing the most significant rise, potentially influenced by social media.

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Why is it difficult for perfectionists to abandon their impossibly high standards?

Perfectionists often perceive their perfectionism as the very thing sustaining them and driving their success, rather than recognizing it as the source of their profound distress, making them reluctant to let go of those critical thoughts.

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How can one begin to challenge and detach from their inner critic?

Start by journaling self-critical thoughts, visualizing the inner critic (e.g., as a 'green goblin') to create detachment, and then writing compassionate rebuttals to those critiques, treating the critic as a well-intentioned but misguided friend.

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What practical steps can perfectionists take to establish healthier boundaries?

Perfectionists can set healthier boundaries by recognizing the trade-off for every 'yes,' asking specific questions about the costs and motivations (fear vs. values) before agreeing to new tasks, and implementing a 'timeout strategy' to reflect before responding to requests.

9 Actionable Insights

1. Implement ‘No-Immediate-Response’ Rule

When receiving a new request or opportunity, commit to waiting at least two hours before responding to prevent impulsive, fear-driven agreements. Use this timeout to reflect on your motivations and potential trade-offs.

2. Assess Motivation for Commitments

Before agreeing to new tasks, ask yourself: ‘Why do I want to do this?’ and ‘Is my desire driven by my values or by fear?’ This helps identify if your ‘yes’ is rooted in genuine interest or perfectionist people-pleasing.

3. Evaluate ‘Yes’ Trade-Offs

For every potential ‘yes’ to a new task, consider its cost on loved ones and what other important things you might be saying ’no’ to. This helps recognize the social opportunity cost of overcommitment.

4. Practice Self-Compassionate Thoughts

Consistently practice replacing vicious self-critical thoughts with compassionate ones, even if they initially feel forced or phony. Over time, due to neuroplasticity, these new thoughts will strengthen and become instinctive.

5. Connect with Your Younger Self

To cultivate self-compassion, picture a younger, free-spirited version of yourself and talk to that version with unconditional love and support, believing in their inherent worth regardless of mistakes.

6. Rebut Inner Critic Compassionately

Actively write down rebuttals to your negative inner critiques in a journal, but do so with a compassionate voice, treating your inner critic like a well-intentioned but misguided friend.

7. Visualize Your Inner Critic

Create a visual representation of your inner critic (e.g., drawing it as a ’little green goblin’ with an ‘annoying voice’). This helps detach from self-critical thoughts and separate from them.

8. Keep a Thought Journal

Maintain a simple journal to record the self-critical thoughts and phrases that go through your head. This practice helps you recognize these patterns and decide how to respond to them.

9. Prioritize Happiness-Boosting Work

Make a conscious effort to say yes only to projects and tasks that genuinely align with your values and improve your happiness. This leads to more fulfilling work and a more joyful life.

6 Key Quotes

My ruthless self-criticism was just weighing me down that whole time. It was like these heavy weights tied to my ankle.
Jordana Confino

Jordana, if you had a racehorse that had just completely broken down from injury and exhaustion, would you just keep whipping it to try to get it up and to move faster? And I said, of course not. And she said, then why are you doing that to yourself?
Jordana's therapist (as recounted by Jordana Confino)

The challenge there is to bring people around to the awareness that it is actually the perfectionism that is the root of the problem.
Thomas Curran

There are no boundaries for the perfectionist people pleaser. You give every ounce of yourself...
Jordana Confino

It turns out that you're much better at your work when you're not like beating the crap out of yourself.
Jordana Confino

I mean, you have to do everything perfectly. Everything's got to be 10 out of 10 with you sometimes. It's not possible, but it's so hard to watch. You're horrible to yourself sometimes.
Ryan Dilley

2 Protocols

Challenging the Inner Critic for Perfectionists

Jordana Confino

Do a simple thought journal to identify the specific self-critical thoughts and phrases that go through your head.
Visualize or draw your inner critic (e.g., as a 'little green goblin') to help detach from the thoughts and separate from them.
Grab your journal and scribble down rebuttals to your nasty inner critiques, using a compassionate voice rather than matching the critic's mean tone.
Practice self-compassion by picturing a younger, free-spirited version of yourself and speaking to her with unconditional love and support.
Consistently practice thinking in new, compassionate ways, even if they initially feel forced or phony, to strengthen new neural pathways through neuroplasticity.

Setting Healthier Boundaries for Perfectionists