How to Make Friends and Compliment People
This episode of The Happiness Lab, featuring research scientist Xuan Zhao and comedian Milo McCabe (as Troy Hawke), explores the profound impact of giving compliments. It reveals how our minds often prevent us from sharing kind words, despite the significant happiness benefits for both givers and receivers, and offers strategies to overcome these social barriers.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Introduction to Troy Hawke and the Power of Compliments
Xuan Zhao's Personal Story: The Impact of a Single Compliment
Xuan Zhao's Relationship Story: The Importance of Expressed Appreciation
Introduction to Under-Sociality and Compliment Research
Study Findings: Underestimating Compliment Impact and Overestimating Awkwardness
The Origin and Success of Troy Hawke's Greeters Guild
Psychological Barriers to Giving Compliments: Performance Anxiety
Psychological Barriers to Giving Compliments: Bad Timing
Psychological Barriers to Giving Compliments: Assuming Others Already Know
Research on Compliment Adaptation: Sustained Positive Effects
Poignant Example: The Lasting Value of Voiced Appreciation
Guidelines for Effective and Appropriate Compliments
Milo McCabe's Formula for Landing Compliments
Personal Transformation and Encouragement to Compliment More
3 Key Concepts
Under-sociality
This concept describes how people underestimate the happiness benefits derived from social interactions, both for themselves and for the people they interact with, leading them to engage in fewer social connections than they optimally should.
Performance Anxiety (in complimenting)
This refers to the fear that one's compliment might not sound articulate, be delivered awkwardly, or lead to embarrassment, which often prevents people from expressing kind words despite having positive thoughts.
Compliment Adaptation
This is the unexpected finding that the positive emotional impact of receiving compliments does not diminish over time, even when compliments are given repeatedly; recipients continue to feel happy and appreciated.
5 Questions Answered
People often hesitate to give compliments due to performance anxiety, fearing their words won't be perfect or will cause awkwardness, and because they tend to wait for a 'right time' that often never comes, or they assume the recipient already knows their good qualities.
Recipients are generally much happier than complimenters anticipate and experience very little awkwardness, primarily feeling appreciative that someone took a genuine interest and noticed something good about them.
No, research indicates that the positive impact of compliments does not diminish with repetition; recipients continue to feel flattered and positive even when receiving compliments daily over an extended period.
An effective compliment is tailor-made, unmotivated (not seeking anything in return), and sincere, focusing on genuine observations that can't be misconstrued as creepy or annoying.
Compliments that are inauthentic, forced, creepy, or self-serving should be avoided. It's also important to consider context, such as complimenting colleagues on competence and skills rather than appearance.
12 Actionable Insights
1. Commit to Sharing Kind Words
Make a conscious commitment to share as many kind words as possible, as this simple act significantly boosts both your own and others’ happiness and well-being.
2. Challenge Social Mispredictions
Recognize that your mind often lies about the happiness benefits of social interaction; challenge pessimistic predictions about awkwardness and negative reactions to engage more.
3. Compliment Without Delay
Avoid waiting for the ‘perfect’ time to give a compliment, as delaying can lead to missed opportunities and the impact of kind words does not diminish over time.
4. Prioritize Warmth Over Performance
When giving compliments, focus on genuine interest and warmth rather than worrying about perfect word choice or delivery, as recipients value sincerity over articulation.
5. Deliver Bespoke, Sincere Compliments
Offer compliments that are tailor-made, unmotivated by self-interest, and genuinely sincere, as these specific and authentic observations are most likely to brighten someone’s day.
6. Mindful Compliment Context
Be mindful of the context when giving compliments; for example, focus on competence and skills for colleagues rather than appearance to ensure the message is well-received.
7. Verbalize Noticed Positives
Actively verbalize the nice things you notice about others, rather than just thinking them, as people often don’t know their good traits unless told.
8. Compliments Build Relationships
Understand that the true purpose of compliments extends beyond sharing positive facts; they are a powerful tool for building and strengthening relationships.
9. Give Frequent Compliments
Give compliments frequently, even to the same person, as research shows their positive impact on recipients does not degrade or wear off over time.
10. Practice Complimenting Often
Make a conscious effort to practice giving compliments often, whenever and wherever appropriate, as this skill can be developed and will improve your relationships.
11. Reach Out to Loved Ones
Actively reach out more frequently to the people you care about, as even a quick text or phone call can be significantly important to a friend in need.
12. Overcome Busyness for Friends
Actively work to overcome the usual busyness that often prevents you from being the best friend you can be, ensuring you make time for important social connections.
5 Key Quotes
There's an old maxim that if you can't say something nice, you shouldn't say anything at all. Troy Hawke lives by a related maxim, that you can always, always say something nice.
Narrator (Dr. Laurie Santos)
Your eyes are beautiful.
Xuan Zhao's high school boyfriend
A well-delivered compliment is like a free drug that gets them high, and it gets you high.
Milo McCabe
If you think engaging in a conversation with somebody or giving a compliment to somebody is going to be weird or awkward or it's not going to turn out so well, you're not going to reach out and do it.
Nick Epley
I'll kind of chastise myself if I'm passing someone and I notice something, you know, like, oh, that's cool. I'll chastise myself now if I don't say it because I'm like, oh, come on.
Milo McCabe
2 Protocols
Compliment Study Design (University of Chicago)
Xuan Zhao and Nick Epley- Recruit pairs of friends for a study on interpersonal communication.
- Designate one person as the 'complimenter' and the other as the 'recipient.'
- Instruct the complimenter to list three positive things about their friend they've noticed but not yet complimented.
- Ask the complimenter to predict the recipient's emotional reaction.
- Have the recipient read the compliments.
- Ask the recipient to report their actual feelings.
Formula for a Well-Delivered Compliment
Milo McCabe (Troy Hawke)- Be tailor-made (specific and personal).
- Be unmotivated (given without expectation of return).
- Be sincere (genuinely felt).