How to Tackle Bad Behaviour (with Dr Becky Kennedy)
Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy, founder of Good Inside, shares her parenting approach rooted in the belief that children are "good inside" even when acting out. She advocates for setting boundaries while validating children's feelings, fostering long-term resilience over short-term happiness, and using curiosity and playfulness instead of punishment.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Introduction to Dr. Becky Kennedy's 'Good Inside' Approach
Shifting from Punishment to Understanding a Child's Needs
Defining the Parent's Two Core Jobs: Boundaries and Validation
Understanding the True Nature of a Boundary
Challenging the 'Happiness Police' Mentality in Parenting
The Importance of Allowing Kids to Experience Discomfort
Reflecting Capability and Avoiding Over-Parenting
Holding Multiplicity: Long-Term Resilience vs. Short-Term Happiness
Curiosity as a Superpower for Personal Growth and Parenting
Applying Curiosity to a Child's Lying Behavior
The Power of Playfulness in Managing Challenging Situations
Recap of Key Parenting Strategies
6 Key Concepts
Good Inside Approach
This parenting philosophy believes every child is 'good inside,' even when acting out. Bad behavior is seen as a signal of an underlying problem or unmet need, rather than a sign the child is inherently bad, prompting curiosity and skill-building instead of punishment.
Parent's Two Jobs
A parent's role involves two core responsibilities: setting boundaries to keep children safe and connecting to their kids' lived experience by validating their feelings. These jobs work in tandem, allowing children to develop skills to manage emotions.
True Boundary
A boundary is defined as something a parent *will do* that requires the other person (the child) to do nothing, embodying the parent's authority. It is distinct from a request, which relies on the child's compliance, and is about the parent's action rather than dictating the child's action.
Happiness Police Mentality
This refers to the well-intentioned but misguided parental urge to pluck children out of uncomfortable feelings and immediately bring them to a happy state. This approach inadvertently hinders a child's ability to cope with difficult emotions, which is crucial for adult resilience.
Multiplicity
Multiplicity is the psychological ability to hold two seemingly contradictory truths at once, such as deeply loving your child while also allowing them to experience discomfort or face tough consequences. This mindset is essential for prioritizing long-term resilience over short-term happiness.
Curiosity as a Superpower
Curiosity is presented as the opposite of judgment and a key to understanding and change, both for parents reflecting on their own reactions and for children's behavior. It allows for identifying underlying causes of behavior, leading to effective problem-solving and growth.
8 Questions Answered
The 'Good Inside' approach views a child's challenging behavior as a signal of an underlying need or lagging skill, rather than a sign of a 'bad' child. It encourages parents to respond with curiosity to understand the root cause and build skills, instead of resorting to traditional punishment.
A parent's two main jobs are setting clear boundaries to ensure safety and connecting to their child's lived experience by validating their feelings. These roles work together to help children develop emotional regulation skills.
A boundary is something the parent *will do* that does not require the child to do anything, demonstrating the parent's authority through action. A request, in contrast, asks the child to do something and relies on their compliance, which can be easily ignored.
Constantly trying to make kids happy and pluck them out of discomfort prevents them from developing resilience and the ability to cope with uncomfortable emotions. Allowing children to sit with feelings like disappointment or frustration helps them build the emotional circuitry needed for adulthood.
Parents can foster long-term resilience by being 'long-term greedy,' prioritizing future growth over short-term comfort, and allowing children to experience discomfort. This involves reflecting capability to the child and guiding them to problem-solve rather than always swooping in to fix things.
Curiosity acts as an antidote to judgment, allowing parents to explore the underlying reasons for their own reactive behaviors or their child's misbehavior. By asking 'I wonder what was going on for me/my kid?' instead of 'What's wrong with me/my kid?', parents can identify triggers, unmet needs, or missing skills, leading to positive change.
Kids often lie out of fear of a parent's reaction, shame, or to temporarily preserve attachment, believing the truth might break the connection. Parents should respond with curiosity, focusing on understanding the underlying reason for the lie and strengthening the relationship, rather than immediately punishing, which can inadvertently reinforce the lying pattern.
Playfulness brings humor and goofiness into parenting, fostering connection and motivation in tough situations without power struggles. It helps children cooperate and listen, as adults are also motivated by fun and connection to do things they might not otherwise want to do.
20 Actionable Insights
1. Understand Parent’s Two Jobs
Recognize that a parent’s role involves two core jobs: setting boundaries to ensure safety and structure, and connecting to your child’s lived experience by validating their feelings.
2. Define Boundaries by Your Actions
Set boundaries by clearly stating what you will do, rather than making requests that rely on your child’s compliance, thereby embodying your authority in a sturdy way.
3. Validate Feelings, Hold Boundaries
When setting a boundary, acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings (e.g., ‘Oh, it stinks to leave’) while firmly upholding the boundary, teaching them that emotions are manageable without giving in.
4. Allow Discomfort for Resilience
Resist the urge to fix your child’s unhappiness; instead, allow them to experience and sit with uncomfortable emotions, as this is crucial for building resilience in adulthood.
5. Sit with Kids in Discomfort
When your child is experiencing difficult emotions, metaphorically ‘sit on the bench’ with them without trying to fix it, making them feel less alone and teaching them to tolerate their feelings.
6. Use Curiosity, Not Judgment
Apply curiosity to understand your own or your child’s challenging behavior or failures, asking ‘I wonder what was going on?’ to foster change, as judgment keeps you stuck.
7. Practice Long-Term Greedy Parenting
Prioritize your child’s long-term resilience and skill-building over their short-term happiness or comfort, even if it means letting them experience temporary distress.
8. Reflect Child’s Capability
Act as a mirror for your child, reflecting their capability and strength by allowing them to face minor discomforts and figure things out, rather than constantly swooping in to fix problems.
9. Embrace Multiplicity in Parenting
Hold the psychological truth that you can be a deeply loving and good parent while simultaneously allowing your child to experience discomfort or face consequences for their actions.
10. Reparent Yourself for Change
To become the parent you aspire to be, focus on changing your internal interactions with yourself, particularly by addressing how you respond to your own struggles and judgment.
11. View Bad Behavior as Signals
Instead of punishing, view a child’s meltdowns and rule-breaking as important signals or clues pointing to an underlying problem that needs to be understood.
12. Activate Curiosity for Behavior
When a child exhibits challenging behavior, activate curiosity by asking what might be going on for them or what skill they might need, rather than judging them.
13. Address Lying with Curiosity
When a child lies, avoid asking questions you know the answer to; instead, state what you know and lead with curiosity about what made it hard for them to be honest, prioritizing connection over immediate punishment.
14. Strengthen Connection to Reduce Lying
Strengthen your relationship with your child by showing that telling the truth won’t sever your connection, as children lie to temporarily preserve attachment when they fear disconnection.
15. Infuse Playfulness in Tough Moments
Introduce humor and playfulness into challenging parenting situations, especially when you feel tempted to resort to control and anger, to foster connection and motivation.
16. Model Playfulness, Break Cycles
Embrace playfulness with your children, even if it feels awkward or wasn’t modeled for you, recognizing it as a brave, cycle-breaking act that fosters connection and joy.
17. Use ‘Close Your Eyes Hack’
For chores, tell your child you’ll close your eyes and if the task is done when you open them, you’ll do something silly, fostering trust and motivation through playfulness instead of control.
18. Use Three Lines for Connection
When a child is upset, use these three phrases to foster connection and show you’re not afraid of their feelings: ‘I’m so glad you’re talking to me about this,’ ‘I believe you,’ and ‘Tell me more.’
19. Motivate Kids Like Adults
Understand that children, like adults, are motivated by connection, validation, humor, and fun, rather than threats or force, when asked to do things they don’t want to do.
20. Give Benefit of the Doubt
Extend the benefit of the doubt to both yourself and your child, remembering that even when behavior is not ideal, everyone is ‘good inside.’
7 Key Quotes
I always say the right answer is often between two extremes.
Dr. Becky Kennedy
Knowing what your job is with complete clarity is a precondition to doing any job well.
Dr. Becky Kennedy
Feelings don't overwhelm kids. Feeling alone in feelings overwhelm kids.
Dr. Becky Kennedy
Age doesn't bring skills. This is what I always tell parents. People say, at what age will my kids stop having these meltdowns? I feel like it's like someone saying, at what age will my kid be able to swim? And I say, well, are they learning how to swim? No. I'd be like, I'm not blaming you, but at a certain age, no one's gifted swimming. No one is gifted competence and capability and confidence and regulation. It's not years. It's what you do in the years.
Dr. Becky Kennedy
Curiosity is the key to change. Judgment is actually the key to being stuck and never changing, just ineffective.
Dr. Becky Kennedy
A parent's words becomes a child's self-talk.
Dr. Becky Kennedy
Play and levity is always a motivator to do things you don't want to do.
Dr. Becky Kennedy
3 Protocols
Parent's Two Jobs in Action (Boundary Setting & Validation)
Dr. Becky Kennedy- Set a clear boundary (e.g., 'TV time is over,' 'It's time to leave the park').
- Expect the child to feel their feelings and react with upset (e.g., 'Why?', kicking, screaming).
- Validate the child's feelings while sturdily holding the boundary (e.g., 'Oh, you really wish you could watch TV,' 'It stinks to leave before you want').
- Do not give in to the child's upset feelings; maintain the boundary.
Responding to a Child's Upset Feelings (Sitting on the Bench)
Dr. Becky Kennedy- Acknowledge their sharing: 'I'm so glad you're talking to me about this.'
- Validate their experience: 'I believe you.'
- Encourage further sharing: 'Tell me more.'
Close Your Eyes Hack (for Chores/Cleaning Up)
Dr. Becky Kennedy- Lead with trust, not control (avoid staring at the child).
- Clearly state the task and the condition for a reward (e.g., 'If when I open my eyes all the red blocks are in the bin...').
- Add something silly and ridiculous you will do if the task is completed (e.g., 'I might do a butt dance,' 'I might just like belt into a ridiculous song').