How to Thrive at Work
Former news anchor Dan Harris joins Dr. Laurie Santos to discuss strategies for thriving at work. They explore mindfulness, purpose, managing social comparison, and how employers can foster psychological safety and belonging to combat workplace stress and toxicity.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
The Pervasive Impact of Work on Well-being
Radical Acceptance and Mindfulness for Workplace Stress
Mindfulness Meditation: A Three-Step Practice
Sitting with Difficult Emotions: Disambiguating Anger and Sadness
Knowing Your Motivation and Purpose at Work
The Science of Altruism and Wise Selfishness
Overcoming Social Comparison and Jealousy with Mudita
Addressing Structural Inequities and Fierce Self-Compassion
Prioritizing Sleep and Overcoming Insomnia During Stress
Walking Meditation and Reframing Sleeplessness
Manager's Role: Cultivating Psychological Safety
Effective Communication: The Power of Reflective Listening
Managerial Responsibility and Complicity in Workplace Issues
Fostering Belonging and Social Connection at Work
Strategies for Building Connection in Remote Teams
8 Key Concepts
Radical Acceptance
The practice of not fleeing from difficult feelings like stress, but rather feeling them instead of letting them own you. It's about getting comfortable with inner storms so they don't control you as much.
Mindfulness Meditation
A practice involving three steps: sitting comfortably, focusing attention on a neutral sensory object (like breath or body sensations), and repeatedly returning attention when distracted. The goal is to become familiar with the mind's wildness, not to stop thinking.
Cognitive Diffusion
Techniques that help you see your thoughts as separate from yourself, creating distance from them. Examples include singing your thoughts to an annoying pop song or imagining them scrolling like Star Wars text.
Mudita
A Buddhist meditation practice for dealing with jealousy and social comparison. It involves envisioning someone else's success and sending them phrases like 'may your happiness increase,' actively wishing for their increased well-being.
Wise Selfishness
A concept from the Dalai Lama suggesting that true selfishness, done 'right,' involves being altruistic. This is because helping others ultimately leads to one's own greatest happiness and well-being.
Psychological Safety
The comfort that even the most junior person on a team feels to speak up, share ideas, or point out problems without fear of negative consequences. It's a key ingredient for high-performing teams.
Reflective Listening
A communication technique where you listen carefully to what someone says, then briefly repeat the core of their message back to them in your own words. This helps the speaker feel heard and seen, and acts as a circuit breaker for your own reactive responses.
Fierce Self-Compassion
A concept where treating oneself with kindness first provides the necessary strength and 'bandwidth' to effectively fight against inequities and systemic problems. It's not self-indulgent but mission-critical for sustained advocacy.
11 Questions Answered
Radical acceptance is the practice of not fleeing from difficult feelings, but rather feeling them directly. It's helpful because pushing stress away doesn't work long-term; instead, feeling difficult emotions allows you to get comfortable with them so they don't control you.
Mindfulness meditation provides a dedicated time to not take your thoughts seriously. By observing emotions like anger or shame as a set of thoughts and physical sensations, you can pick them apart, reducing their power and realizing they are temporary 'meteorological phenomena' rather than inherent parts of yourself.
Having a clear sense of purpose acts as a North Star, guiding you through the ups and downs of work and life. It helps you stay focused on what truly matters, preventing you from getting overly stuck on minor setbacks or comparisons.
Doing nice things for other people, or having an 'other-oriented' purpose, is a powerful boost to well-being. It creates a 'growing pie' of happiness where both the giver and receiver benefit, making it easier to engage with work challenges and feel good about your contributions.
A practice called Mudita involves actively wishing for others' increased happiness and success, which is the opposite of schadenfreude. Additionally, recognizing that our perception of others' successes is often flawed and that their achievements likely weren't 'meant for us' can help.
While structural changes are necessary, individuals can cope by giving themselves grace and self-compassion for the negative emotions they experience. This 'fierce self-compassion' provides the bandwidth needed to fight for change rather than being overwhelmed by the emotions.
Beyond basic sleep hygiene (cold room, no blue light, morning sunlight, exercise), two key strategies are walking meditation to address physical restlessness and reframing self-talk to accept sleeplessness. Instead of catastrophizing, tell yourself 'you will be fine' and get out of bed to do something else if struggling.
Psychological safety is the comfort team members, especially junior ones, feel to speak up without fear. It's crucial because studies (like Google's) show it's the common denominator among high-performing teams. Managers can foster it by actively inviting input, rewarding honest feedback, and making everyone feel included.
Reflective listening involves carefully listening and then repeating the core of a message back in your own words. This makes the speaker feel seen and heard, and it acts as a circuit breaker for your own reactive responses, preventing misunderstandings and building trust, especially from those in power.
According to a large study by Yon Emanuel Denev, the biggest factor for happiness at work is a sense of belonging, defined by feeling your work matters and having a 'best friend at work.' This social connection also correlates with improved company performance and profitability.
Managers can foster connection by dedicating the first 10 minutes of virtual meetings to informal chit-chat, similar to in-person interactions. They should also openly express gratitude with specific reasons for employees' contributions and acknowledge personal milestones like birthdays, making individuals feel their work and presence matter.
40 Actionable Insights
1. Radical Acceptance of Hardship
Feel difficult feelings instead of pushing them away or letting them own you, as the transcript suggests ’the only way out is through’ when experiencing stress at work.
2. Clarify Core Motivations
Spend time thinking about your core purpose and what matters most to you, using it as a ‘North Star’ to guide you through life’s ups and downs and prevent getting stuck in minor setbacks.
3. Prioritize Altruistic Actions
Engage in activities that benefit other people, as doing good for others is a highly effective way to boost your own well-being and happiness.
4. Cultivate Other-Oriented Purpose
Frame your purpose as being for others, as this makes it easier to navigate personal setbacks and reduces the impact of self-focused disappointments.
5. Practice Fierce Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with kindness first, as this self-compassion provides the necessary ‘fierceness’ and bandwidth to effectively fight against injustices and structural problems.
6. Prioritize Mission-Critical Self-Care
Schedule and prioritize self-care activities that genuinely recharge your battery, viewing them not as self-indulgent but as essential for effective work, managing home life, and supporting colleagues.
7. Mindfulness Meditation (3 Steps)
Sit comfortably with closed eyes, bring full attention to a neutral sensory object (like breath or body sensations), and when distracted, gently return attention to the object, recognizing that the point is to become familiar with the mind’s wildness rather than to clear it.
8. Distance from Thoughts
See thoughts as separate from yourself, as ’little more than nothing’ when examined, rather than believing them as facts that blot out the sun.
9. Linguistic Trick for Emotions
Use the phrase ’there is anger’ instead of ‘I’m angry’ to avoid identifying deeply with emotions, recognizing them as passing phenomena rather than personal possessions.
10. Disambiguate Difficult Emotions
Investigate difficult emotions by picking apart their constituent parts (thoughts, physical sensations like burning in the chest or heat in the ears) to reduce their power and see them as less monolithic.
11. Embrace Emotional Transience
Recognize that difficult emotions will pass, which can bring relief and reduce their perceived permanence and intractability.
12. Ritualize Purpose Reminders
Create rituals or physical reminders (like a tattoo or daily affirmation) to consistently recall your core purpose, especially an other-oriented one, to stay grounded amidst daily challenges.
13. Small Acts of Kindness at Work
When feeling overwhelmed or things are going badly at work, turn to doing one nice thing for a colleague to make their life easier, as this can be a powerful remedy for your own well-being.
14. Use Service as Antidote
Employ service to others as a general ‘cure-all’ whenever you’re feeling bad about anything, as it’s a highly effective way to improve your own mood and address various personal ills.
15. Combat Loneliness by Reaching Out
If you’re feeling lonely, actively try to cure loneliness in someone else by reaching out, as this action will often make you feel less lonely yourself.
16. Practice Mudita (Joyful Appreciation)
Meditate by envisioning someone else’s success and genuinely wishing for their happiness, health, and success to expand, counteracting jealousy and fostering joy.
17. Aspire to Be Celebrator
Strive to be the kind of person others feel comfortable sharing good news with, fostering genuine happiness for their success rather than jealousy.
18. Challenge Jealousy’s Misconception
Recognize that the success of others is rarely something that was ‘meant for you’ and intercepted, helping to dismantle the root of jealousy.
19. Avoid Comparing Insides to Outsides
Be aware that people often compare their internal struggles to others’ external appearances of success, leading to inaccurate and harmful social comparisons.
20. Evaluate Work Behind Success
When feeling jealous of someone’s gifts or accolades, ask yourself if you would be willing to put in the necessary work, time, and emotional drama to achieve the same, as the answer might reveal it’s not worth it for you.
21. Realistically Assess Greener Grass
Before making significant changes (like leaving a job), perform a realistic assessment of what a new situation would entail, recognizing that the ‘grass isn’t always greener’ and fantasies can be misleading.
22. Grant Self-Grace for Emotions
Acknowledge and accept that negative emotions, especially those stemming from legitimate grievances like structural inequities, are present and will impact your performance, allowing for self-compassion.
23. Basic Sleep Hygiene
Maintain good sleep habits by keeping your room cold, avoiding blue light from devices in the hours before bed, getting direct sunlight early in the day, and exercising to tire yourself out.
24. Motivate Sleep by Pain Awareness
Tune into the actual pain and negative consequences of not sleeping to motivate yourself to adhere to basic sleep hygiene practices.
25. Walking Meditation for Sleep
Stake out a patch of land (e.g., 10 yards) and walk back and forth slowly, bringing full attention to the feeling of your body moving, using mental notes like ’lifting’ and ‘placing’ to stay focused.
26. Reframe Sleep Catastrophizing
When struggling to sleep, challenge catastrophizing thoughts by reminding yourself that you’ve survived sleeplessness before and will be fine, reducing anxiety about the consequences.
27. Leave Bed if Struggling
If you find yourself tossing and turning in bed, get up and do something else (a fun activity, reading, or light work) rather than staying in bed and associating it with struggle.
28. Permit Sleeplessness to Induce Sleep
Paradoxically, give yourself permission not to sleep and release expectations, as this reduction in struggle and resistance can create the conditions for sleep to naturally occur.
29. Foster Psychological Safety (Managers)
As a manager, actively create an environment of psychological safety by warmly inviting junior team members to speak, rewarding those who offer difficult feedback, and publicly acknowledging and appreciating their bravery in doing so.
30. Practice Reflective Listening (Managers)
When someone speaks, listen carefully without planning your response, then briefly repeat the core of their message in your own words to ensure they feel heard and to interrupt your own reactive responses.
31. Enhance Reflective Listening with Verification
After reflective listening, ask ‘Did I get that right or did I miss anything?’ to ensure true understanding and allow the speaker to clarify, especially with junior colleagues.
32. Managers: Take Full Responsibility
As a manager, adopt the reflex of taking full responsibility for problems on your team, understanding that issues often originate from leadership, as ’the fish is always going to rot from the head’.
33. Self-Reflect on Complicity (Managers)
Regularly ask yourself, ‘How am I complicit in the conditions I say I don’t want?’ to gain insight into your own influence and potential contributions to team problems, especially when in a position of power.
34. Create Social Connection Opportunities
Managers should actively create unexpected opportunities for employees to connect on the job, fostering a sense of belonging and improving overall happiness and performance.
35. Start Meetings with Social Chit-Chat
In virtual or in-person meetings, dedicate the first 10 minutes to informal social connection (e.g., ‘How was your weekend?’), mimicking natural office interactions to build rapport and belonging.
36. Express Specific, Reasoned Gratitude
As a manager, openly express gratitude for specific actions, especially when employees do something great, vulnerable, or challenging, explaining why it was appreciated to reinforce that their contributions matter.
37. Personalized Birthday Recognition
For managers, take time to acknowledge employee birthdays with a personalized email that includes a specific compliment about their work, making them feel seen and valued.
38. Prioritize Social Connection as Work
Managers should frame fostering social connection and making employees feel valued as essential, ‘has to get done’ work, rather than superfluous activities, recognizing its impact on well-being and performance.
39. Cognitive Diffusion (Pop Song)
Sing your thoughts to an annoying pop song that gets stuck in your head to create distance and see them as separate, similar to meditation.
40. Cognitive Diffusion (Star Wars Scroll)
Visualize your thoughts scrolling up like Star Wars text to gain distance and see them as transient, separating them from your identity.
10 Key Quotes
The only way out is through, to feel the difficult feelings instead of letting them own you.
Dan Harris
The whole point of meditation is not to feel some specific way or to stop thinking to clear your mind. The point is to become familiar with how wild the mind is so that the chaos and cacophony doesn't own you as much.
Dan Harris
Pretend your thoughts are coming from the guy next to you or from somebody, you know, in the apartment across the way or from the cat in the corner, whatever. These thoughts, which have so much control over us, are actually, as Joseph says, little more than nothing. Unexamined, they blot out the sun. We believe them as facts. But examined for what they are, they have way less power.
Dan Harris
A little linguistic trick you can run is instead of saying I'm angry, you can say there is anger. You don't own any anger.
Dan Harris
The real kind of bang for your energy and your buck in terms of like what's going to boost your well-being is taking time to do stuff for other people.
Dr. Laurie Santos
If you want to do selfishness right, you will be altruistic because it is what will lead to your greatest happiness.
Dan Harris
Every time a friend of mine succeeds, a little part of me dies.
Dan Harris
Whatever accolade or achievement has arrived at the doorstep of your enemy was somehow headed to you. But they intercepted it, but it's almost never true.
Dan Harris
We're constantly comparing our insides to other people's outsides.
Dr. Laurie Santos
How am I complicit in the conditions I say I don't want?
Dan Harris
4 Protocols
Beginning Mindfulness Meditation
Dan Harris- Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
- Bring your full attention to something neutral, like your breath coming in and going out, or the feeling of your body sitting in the chair, or sounds in the environment.
- When you get distracted, which will happen quickly, notice the distraction and gently start again, bringing your attention back to your chosen object.
Mudita (Joyful Appreciation) Meditation
Dan Harris- Sit or lie down, perhaps with a couple of deep breaths.
- Envision one person who is experiencing success right now.
- Send them a set of phrases like 'may your happiness increase, may your health improve, may your success expand.'
- Move to another person and repeat the process, then to another.
Walking Meditation for Restlessness
Dan Harris- Stake out a patch of land (e.g., 10 yards) in your house or outside.
- Walk back and forth very slowly, bringing your full attention to the feeling of your body moving.
- Use soft mental notes like 'lifting,' 'moving,' 'placing,' 'thinking,' or 'planning' to help stay focused on sensory experience.
- When distracted, start again, bringing attention back to the body's sensations.
- If tossing and turning in bed, get up and do 5, 10, or 15 minutes of walking meditation, or more if needed.
Managerial Communication with Reflective Listening
Dan Harris- Listen very carefully to what the other person says, without planning your next response.
- Repeat back to them, in your own words and briefly, the core message they conveyed.
- Optionally, follow up by asking, 'Did I get that right, or did I miss anything?' to ensure full understanding.