Inside the Love Lab with Drs. John & Julie Gottman (Part 2)

Mar 9, 2026 35m 43s 18 insights Episode Page ↗ Transcript ↗
In this episode, Dr. Laurie Santos speaks with renowned researchers Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman about their work on relationship conflict. They share insights from their book "Fight Right" on how couples can argue smarter, avoid destructive patterns, and use conflict to build stronger connections.
Actionable Insights

1. Eliminate Contempt

Refrain from showing contempt towards your partner through sarcasm, scorn, mockery, or name-calling, as it destroys the relationship and negatively impacts the listener’s immune system.

2. Avoid Criticism

Do not blame relationship problems on your partner’s personality flaws (e.g., “you’re so lazy” or “you’re so thoughtless”), as this is a highly destructive pattern.

3. Avoid Stonewalling

Do not shut down, avoid eye contact, or show no response when your partner is speaking, as stonewalling indicates you are in fight-or-flight mode and prevents engagement.

4. Stop Being Defensive

When feeling attacked, avoid counterattacking or playing the innocent victim by whining, as defensiveness is a destructive response to criticism and contempt.

5. Confront Disagreement

Confront disagreements in your relationship rather than burying them, as this is the key to a long and healthy partnership.

6. Practice Yielding to Win

Accept influence from your partner, as this makes you more influential and builds trust, commitment, and shared power in the relationship.

7. Explore Core Dreams

When in conflict, ask your partner (and yourself) about underlying values, childhood history, or ideal dreams related to their position, as this can reveal the true significance of the issue.

8. Start Complaints Gently

Begin conflict conversations gently, as the first three minutes are crucial and predict the conversation’s outcome and the relationship’s long-term success.

9. Avoid Kitchen Sinking

Do not stockpile grievances and unleash all complaints at once, as this overwhelms your partner and prevents effective listening; instead, bring up issues one at a time as they arise.

10. Identify Flexible & Inflexible

When seeking compromise, divide your position into an “inflexible” core (non-negotiable values, dreams, needs) and “flexible” aspects (who, what, where, when, how much, how long) to find common ground.

11. Make & Accept Repairs

Actively make repairs during conflicts and graciously accept your partner’s attempts at repair, as this is crucial for relationship health and making things better.

12. Use “I Feel” Statements

When bringing up a complaint, start by describing your own feelings (e.g., “I feel stressed” or “I feel disappointed”) and then state what the issue is, rather than blaming your partner.

13. Respond with Empathy

When your partner expresses a need, respond with empathy and validation, possibly by first summarizing what you heard them say to show you’re listening.

14. Validate Partner’s Feelings

Validate your partner’s feelings by acknowledging that their emotions make sense to you, even if you don’t agree with their point of view.

15. Self-Correct During Conflict

If you realize you’re expressing a complaint poorly, self-correct by acknowledging it and rephrasing your concern in a gentler, more direct way.

16. Use “I’m Feeling Defensive”

If you feel criticized or put down during a conflict, say “I’m feeling defensive. Could you say that another way?” instead of becoming defensive yourself.

17. Recognize Conflict as Connection

Understand that the worst issues in a relationship can be the greatest sources of connection and understanding, turning conflict into an opportunity for growth.

18. Offer Empathy to Strangers

When witnessing someone struggling (e.g., a parent with a tantruming child), offer empathy and validation to reduce their stress and make them feel less alone, without criticizing.