Reconnect With The Moment
Dr. Laurie Santos discusses how rigid goals can hinder happiness, introducing Tara Brach, a psychologist and meditation teacher. Brach shares her RAIN practice (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) as a simple way to address emotions, challenge autopilot thinking, and foster self-compassion and connection.
Deep Dive Analysis
17 Topic Outline
Introduction to RAIN and the Problem of Striving
Tara Brach's Personal Story: Guilt and Realization
The Trance of Disconnection and 'Not Enough Time'
Common Regrets of the Dying
Autopilot, Negativity Bias, and Missing the Present
Busyness as an Escape from Raw Feelings
The 'Spacesuit' Metaphor and Trance of Unworthiness
Uncovering Vulnerability: 'What am I unwilling to feel?'
Detailed Explanation of the RAIN Practice Steps
The Shift and Benefits 'After the RAIN'
RAIN's Integration of Mindfulness and Compassion
The 'U-Turn' of Attention and Expanded Awareness
RAIN Fosters Deeper Connection: Executive Example
RAIN Bridges Polarization: Army Lieutenant Example
Tara's Experience: Quicker RAIN and Present Moments
Benefits of Inward Focus: Self-Trust and Belonging
Applying RAIN to Blame and Cultivating Compassion
6 Key Concepts
RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture)
RAIN is a quick and simple mindfulness practice designed to restore balance. It allows individuals to consciously engage with their emotions, helping them to discern what truly matters for living a happier life.
Trance (Psychological)
A trance refers to living in a fear-based, small world of thoughts, often shaped by fear and forgetting the bigger picture. It signifies a state of disconnection from one's inner self and other people, where one lives in thoughts about life rather than directly contacting emotions.
Trance of Unworthiness
This is a predominant trance where individuals tend to dislike themselves, perpetuating stories about what is wrong with them. It profoundly impacts behavior, leading to avoidance through addictive behaviors, fear of intimacy, and reluctance to take risks at work due to a lack of self-trust.
Spacesuit Metaphor
This metaphor describes the different strategies individuals develop to navigate a challenging world, such as seeking approval, achieving goals, or defending themselves. People often get identified with these 'spacesuits' (ego-self, addictions, achievements), forgetting their true self underneath.
Negativity Bias
The negativity bias is the human tendency for the mind to mostly fixate on what can go wrong or what's wrong with oneself. This leads to excessive worrying, planning, and strategizing to avoid trouble, often causing individuals to miss out on the present moment.
U-turn of Attention
The U-turn of attention describes the process of shifting one's focus from being fixated outward on external goals, plans, or worries, back inward to what is going on inside oneself. This practice expands awareness, allowing for more conscious choice in life.
8 Questions Answered
RAIN stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture, and it's a quick, simple mindfulness practice designed to restore balance and help individuals engage consciously with their emotions to determine what truly matters for happiness.
Our minds often lead us to fixate on rigid improvement goals (like losing weight or getting promotions) that can become obstacles to true happiness, compounding well-being problems by making us time-famished, isolated, and suppressing true needs.
We get caught in trances by living in a fear-based world of thoughts, disconnected from our inner selves and others, often driven by a sense of 'not enough time' or 'unworthiness,' which leads to missing present moments and engaging in unhealthy avoidance behaviors.
According to a palliative caregiver, the greatest regret of the dying is not living true to themselves, but rather living according to expectations, judgments, and fear, instead of following their heart.
We often use busyness and obsessive thinking as an escape route to avoid the rawness of our feelings, missing not only challenging emotions like shame or fear but also joy, love, and the mystery of life.
Recognize and Investigate deepen mindfulness by bringing attention to what's present, while Allow and Nurture embody compassion by creating space for experiences without judgment and offering self-kindness.
RAIN helps us look beyond others' 'spacesuits' (defensive egos) to see their underlying vulnerability and goodness, fostering a shared sense of being 'in it together' and allowing for more compassionate and authentic interactions.
By recognizing blame, allowing it, investigating the underlying uneasiness or unmet needs (like needing to feel seen, loved, or safe), and nurturing oneself, one develops more forgiveness and compassion for both self and others.
22 Actionable Insights
1. Practice RAIN for Well-being
Utilize the RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) practice as a powerful concept to put brakes on unhealthy urges and consider what truly matters for a happier life, especially when feeling stress or tightness.
2. Recognize Predominant Emotions
When engaging in RAIN, start by recognizing whatever emotion is most predominant, such as anxiety or guilt, and mentally whisper what you are noticing to activate the prefrontal cortex and foster witnessing.
3. Allow Emotions to Be
In the RAIN practice, allow means to let the experience be as it is without judgment, trying to fix it, or steaming forward, accepting that ’this belongs’ and is a temporary wave.
4. Investigate Emotions in the Body
Investigate emotions primarily by sensing their physical manifestation in your body (e.g., a squeeze in the throat or chest) and exploring any underlying beliefs or fears that come into awareness.
5. Nurture with Self-Compassion
Complete the RAIN practice by nurturing yourself with self-compassion, such as placing a hand on your heart to soothe the nervous system and sending kind messages like ‘it’s okay, sweetie’ to yourself.
6. Re-evaluate Rigid Improvement Goals
Consider that rigid improvement goals like losing weight, achieving a perfect body, or getting a promotion might not lead to happiness and could even be obstacles to truly finding it.
7. Practice Self-Kindness and Kindness
Adopt a strategy of being a little nicer to yourself and to others, as this approach is suggested to be a better path to happiness.
8. Pause and Turn Inward
When feeling overwhelmed or ’tight,’ pause and turn your attention inward to sense what is going on inside you, feeling emotions in your body and offering yourself kindness and self-compassion.
9. Live True to Your Heart
Avoid living according to expectations, judgments, or fear; instead, strive to live true to your heart, aligning your moments with what truly matters to you.
10. Challenge Autopilot and Trances
Recognize when you are on autopilot or caught in a ’trance’ (a fear-based world of thoughts) to challenge it and avoid living in a virtual reality, disconnected from your body and heart.
11. Recognize ‘Not Enough Time’ Trance
Be aware of the ’not enough time’ trance, which is a small, fear-based world where you forget the bigger picture of what truly matters, like being present and loving.
12. Recognize ‘Unworthiness’ Trance
Identify and address the pervasive ’trance of unworthiness,’ where you tell yourself stories about what’s wrong with you, as it profoundly impacts behavior, intimacy, and risk-taking.
13. Directly Face Vulnerability
To free yourself from trances and protective ‘spacesuits,’ be willing to remove those coverings and directly look at the deep-seated, scary stuff and vulnerability you are afraid of.
14. Ask ‘What Am I Unwilling to Feel?’
Pause all busy planning, worrying, and trying to prove or improve yourself, and ask this powerful question to sense the squeeze of deep insecurity or fear in your body that needs attention.
15. Increase Awareness for Choice
Practice mindfulness and compassion (like RAIN) to expand your awareness, giving you more choice in your life and allowing your moments to align with what matters for greater happiness and peace.
16. Practice Sensory Awareness
To ‘arrive’ in the present moment, consciously feel your breath, the air on your skin, hear sounds around you, or truly see the light in a child’s eyes, rather than being lost in thoughts.
17. Avoid Unhelpful Coping Behaviors
Pay attention to what’s really going on inside yourself to avoid engaging in behaviors like excessive online time, overeating, or overspending, which are often reactions to avoid emotions.
18. See Beyond Others’ Defenses
When interacting with others, practice seeing beyond their ‘spacesuit’ or defensive ego to perceive the goodness shining through, offering the gift of seeing their true spirit.
19. Remember Shared Human Vulnerability
Recall that everyone is living in uncertainty and struggling, which fosters a shared sense of being ‘in it together’ and enables you to show up for each other more compassionately.
20. Apply RAIN to Blame
When feeling blame towards yourself or others, practice RAIN by recognizing the judgment, allowing it, sensing the underlying uneasiness in your body, nurturing yourself, and then viewing the person with compassion.
21. Critically Evaluate New Year Goals
Before embarking on big plans to be better, bolder, or busier, consider what you’re trying to achieve and why, questioning if the plan will truly make you happy or if it’s a distraction from deeper issues.
22. Practice RAIN Regularly
Practice RAIN consistently so it becomes quicker and more accessible, allowing you to apply a ’light rain’ more easily in daily moments of reactivity or difficulty.
5 Key Quotes
I didn't live true to myself. I lived according to expectations. I lived shaped by my own judgments. I lived out of fear, but I didn't live true to my heart.
Palliative Caregiver (as quoted by Tara Brach)
It's not the survival of the fittest, it's survival of the nurtured.
Evolutionary psychologist Cozzolino (as quoted by Tara Brach)
Everyone we meet is struggling hard. That's a saying. And it's true.
Tara Brach
If I wasn't judging myself, I was judging others.
Tara Brach
When we do RAIN and we sense underneath whatever's going on, the vulnerability that's there, our heart gets more compassionate so that if we're behaving in a way we don't like, but we can start sensing that behind it, there's an unmet need... There's a lot more forgiveness, a lot more compassion.
Tara Brach
2 Protocols
RAIN Practice (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture)
Tara Brach- Recognize (R): Pause and mentally whisper what you're noticing (e.g., 'anxious, anxious') to activate the prefrontal cortex and create a presence of witnessing.
- Allow (A): Instead of fixing or judging, let the experience be as it is, accepting it as a wave in the ocean (e.g., 'okay, this belongs').
- Investigate (I): Primarily in the body, feel into the physical sensations (e.g., squeeze in throat/chest) and any underlying beliefs (e.g., 'if I don't work hard, I'll fail').
- Nurture (N): Offer self-compassion, often by placing a hand on the heart, breathing with the feeling, and sending a kind message (e.g., 'it's okay, sweetie,' 'it's going to work out').
- After the RAIN: Sense a shift towards more spaciousness, open-heartedness, and clarity, feeling less stuck and more connected to your heart.
RAIN on Blame
Tara Brach- Recognize: Notice the feeling of judging or blaming (e.g., 'judging, judging').
- Allow: Let the feeling be present without resistance.
- Investigate: Sense the uneasiness in your own body that underlies the judgment.
- Nurture: Bring kindness and compassion to yourself in response to that uneasiness.