Stop Endlessly Chasing the "Next Big Thing"
Dr. Laurie Santos and actor Tony Hale discuss the "arrival fallacy" and the importance of living in the present. Hale shares his journey from chasing the "next big thing" to embracing everyday joy and managing anxiety through presence and self-compassion.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction: The Loud Voices of New Year's Resolutions
Finding Happiness by Looking Inward, Not Outward
The Children's Book: Archibald's Next Big Thing
Tony Hale's Personal Journey: Chasing the Next Big Role
The Disappointment of Achieving a Dream: Arrested Development
Learning Presence Through Fatherhood and Therapy
The Arrival Fallacy: Why Success Doesn't Guarantee Happiness
The Challenge of Being Present, Especially with Difficult Emotions
Cultivating Self-Compassion and Grace
Tony Hale's History with Anxiety and Panic Attacks
Overcoming Fear: The 'Do It Afraid' Mantra
Observing Thoughts and Feelings Without Identification
Coping with Anxiety in High-Stakes Situations
The Connection Between Anxiety, Asthma, and Hypervigilance
The 'Not Now' Technique for Managing Future Worries
Finding Focus and Presence Through Creative Activities
5 Key Concepts
Arrival Fallacy
This is a psychological bias where individuals believe that achieving a specific future goal or 'next big thing' will bring lasting happiness or satisfaction. However, once the goal is reached, the expected happiness often doesn't materialize, leading to a continuous search for the next achievement.
Being Present
This concept involves actively engaging with and noticing the current moment, rather than being distracted by thoughts of the past or future. It requires waking oneself up to what is happening right now, including difficult emotions, and finding contentment in the ordinary.
What You Resist Persists
This psychological principle suggests that attempting to suppress or fight against unwanted thoughts or emotions often makes them stronger or more persistent. Instead, acknowledging and accepting these feelings can help dissipate their power.
Self-Compassion for Inner Voices
This approach involves treating one's internal critical or anxious thoughts with the same kindness and understanding one would offer a loved one. Recognizing that these voices often originate from a protective instinct, even if distorted, can help release their crippling power.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
A therapeutic approach that helps individuals identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors. It provides tools for grounding oneself in the present moment and reframing anxious thoughts, as described by Tony Hale's therapist.
6 Questions Answered
We often fall prey to the 'arrival fallacy,' believing that a future accomplishment will bring lasting satisfaction. However, success rarely matches the weight of our expectations and doesn't fundamentally change our inherent value, leading to a continuous desire for 'more'.
Practices like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) suggest grounding oneself by activating the five senses, observing thoughts without identification, and using techniques like 'not now' to defer future worries. Engaging in focused activities like creative hobbies can also serve as a form of meditation.
Being present means not only noticing positive moments but also sitting with and acknowledging uncomfortable feelings like sadness, fear, or anger. It involves a compassionate self-inquiry into why one wants to check out of a difficult space, rather than just seeking pleasant experiences.
Instead of fighting panic, one can try to surrender to the feelings, acknowledging them as temporary and knowing they will pass. Distracting oneself by engaging with the immediate environment or showing compassion to the anxious inner voice can also help dissipate its power.
While we cannot fully control what thoughts and feelings enter our minds, we can learn to observe them without identifying with them. Simple practices like naming thoughts ('image' or 'words') can help create a sense of being more in the 'driver's seat' of one's mental experience.
Approaching one's anxious inner voice with compassion, recognizing its protective (though sometimes distorted) motivation, can help release its power. Instead of fighting it, acknowledging and thanking it for trying to protect you can change your relationship with anxiety.
12 Actionable Insights
1. Listen to Your Inner Compass
Prioritize listening to your wise inner voice and what your body and mind truly need, rather than being swayed by loud external cultural voices and expectations, as this is the real path to happiness.
2. Practice Present Moment Awareness
Actively focus on the current moment instead of constantly seeking the ’next big thing’ or dwelling on the future, as happiness is often found in the present.
3. Cultivate Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same compassion, understanding, and grace you would offer a loved one, especially when feeling sad, scared, or having a tough day, rather than resorting to harsh self-criticism.
4. Observe Thoughts Without Identification
Practice observing your thoughts and feelings as an outsider, without identifying with them; a technique involves closing your eyes for 10 minutes daily and labeling mental pictures as ‘image’ and internal conversations as ‘words’ to gain a sense of control.
5. Show Compassion to Anxious Voice
When your anxious inner voice arises, acknowledge it with compassion, recognizing its protective intent, and gently tell it you appreciate its concern but will proceed, which helps dissipate its power.
6. Ground Yourself with Five Senses
Use the ‘five senses technique’ to immediately ground yourself in the present: identify five things you see, four things you hear, three things you smell, two things you taste, and one thing you touch.
7. Employ the ‘Not Now’ Mantra
When ‘what if’ thoughts or future worries arise, consciously tell yourself ’not now’ to acknowledge the thought but choose to redirect your focus to the present moment, asserting your choice over your thoughts.
8. Anchor Your Self-Worth
Recognize that your inherent value remains constant, independent of external successes, achievements, or material gains, to avoid the ‘arrival fallacy’ and find true contentment.
9. Surrender to Intense Feelings
When experiencing overwhelming feelings like panic, surrender to them by acknowledging their presence and reminding yourself that they are temporary and will pass, rather than fighting them.
10. Act Despite Fear
Proceed with actions and goals even when experiencing fear or anxiety, adopting the mantra ‘just do it afraid,’ rather than waiting to feel completely peaceful or strong.
11. Hack Your Body with Thoughts
Use your thoughts to influence your physical state by consciously choosing to act as if things are fine (e.g., by engaging in conversation) even when your body feels anxious, which can signal your body to calm down.
12. Engage in Focused Meditation
Engage in focused, hands-on activities, such as rope bowl making, as a form of active meditation to divert attention from anxious thoughts and ground yourself in the present moment.
6 Key Quotes
The value you have before success is the same value you're going to have after success.
Tony Hale
It is never enough if you don't wake up to what you're around. The sad truth, it is sugar. You have sugar and you're going to want more sugar and it's never going to satisfy.
Tony Hale
Many times we feel like we have to be in this place of peace or strength in order to do stuff. And she's like, you know what? You just got to do it afraid. You just got to keep walking and do it afraid.
Joyce Myers (quoted by Tony Hale)
It's one thing to just be present when it's unicorns and rainbows and ice cream cones, but it's one thing to be present when it feels awful.
Laurie Santos
I've gotten to the other side and I've seen behind the curtain, you're still thinking that thing is behind the curtain and it's not.
Amy Schumer (quoted by Tony Hale)
I've got two Golden Globes, but a third will be enough.
Jim Carrey (quoted by Tony Hale)
2 Protocols
Observing Thoughts and Feelings
Tony Hale (describing his therapist's advice)- Close your eyes for 10 minutes a day.
- If a picture comes to mind, say 'image'.
- If you find yourself going over a conversation, say 'words'.
- Do not try to control your thoughts, simply observe and label them.
Five Senses Grounding Technique
Laurie Santos (describing a common CBT technique)- Identify five things you can see.
- Identify four things you can hear.
- Identify three things you can smell.
- Identify two things you can taste.
- Identify one thing you can touch.