Stop Wasting Your Energy — Here’s What to Do Instead (with Dr. Diana Hill)
Dr. Diana Hill, clinical psychologist and author of "Wise Effort," shares strategies to apply energy more effectively and get unstuck from unhelpful patterns. She outlines seven science-backed tips, from cultivating curiosity and aligning with values to embracing discomfort and understanding bodily cues, to live a more purposeful and energized life.
Deep Dive Analysis
17 Topic Outline
Understanding Unwise Effort: The Panicked Bird Analogy
Personal Experience with Sunk Cost Fallacy
The Importance of Aligning Energy with Values
Strategy 1: Cultivating Curiosity and Openness
Journaling for Flexible Perspective Taking
Strategy 2: Connecting Energy to Core Values
Focusing on Process Over Outcomes
Strategy 3: Seeking Behavioral Variation to Get Unstuck
Three Steps of Behavioral Evolution
Strategy 4: Embracing Discomfort and Radical Acceptance
Strategy 5: Working with the 'Rooster Mind'
Applying Wise Speech to Internal Dialogue
Strategy 6: Forming a Compassionate Relationship with Your Body
The 'Whole Body Yes' and 'Whole Body No'
The HEART Acronym for Body Awareness
Strategy 7: Identifying and Managing Energy Frenemies
Using Regret as a Signal for Value Misalignment
11 Key Concepts
Unwise Effort
This refers to putting a lot of energy into things that aren’t working, often repeatedly, leading to exhaustion, self-blame, or learned helplessness. It's like a bird flying repeatedly into a window instead of pausing to look for an open door.
Sunk Cost Fallacy
This is the psychological tendency to continue investing time, money, or energy into something because of past investments, even when it's no longer beneficial or effective. It can keep individuals stuck in unproductive patterns, preventing them from seeking new, more aligned paths.
Psychological Flexibility
This concept describes the ability to adapt one's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to changing situations, aligning them with personal values. It involves being open to new possibilities and shifting energy and attention when current approaches are ineffective.
Curiosity / Openness
Described as 'the new mindfulness,' this is a practice of open-mindedness that allows one to approach situations without judgment or preconceived notions. It helps individuals see new possibilities and prevents cognitive inflexibility, which often keeps people stuck.
Values (Qualities of Action)
These are what bring a sense of aliveness, what deeply matters, and how one wants to show up in the world. Values are not about outcomes but about the process and qualities of action that provide intrinsic motivation and meaning, even if not always enjoyable.
Behavioral Evolution
This is a three-step process to get unstuck: 1) Variation (trying new behaviors), 2) Selection (noticing what works), and 3) Retention (reinforcing and keeping what works). This process helps individuals adapt and evolve their behavior over time.
Radical Acceptance
This involves a willingness to acknowledge and make space for what is, even if you don't like it, without necessarily approving of it or allowing harm. It's about accepting internal experiences (thoughts, emotions, sensations) to gain flexibility and enable change.
Rooster Mind
A metaphor for the mind's constant production of thoughts, whether helpful or unhelpful, much like a rooster crows all day long. The goal is not to fight or follow every thought, but to notice them and choose which ones to pay attention to, aligning with values.
Cognitive Diffusion
This is the capacity to step back from your thoughts and observe them rather than being entangled in them or taking them literally. It allows for a more flexible perspective, preventing the mind from pulling you off track.
Interoceptive Awareness
This refers to the awareness of what's going on inside your body, such as your heartbeat, breath, hunger, fullness, and how emotions manifest physically. Higher interoceptive awareness can lead to better decision-making and a more embodied way of living.
Energy Frenemies (Near Enemies)
These are strengths, talents, or 'genius qualities' that, when overused or misused, can become problematic and lead to outcomes misaligned with one's values. For example, being a super helper might mean neglecting self-care.
14 Questions Answered
We tend to apply more effort in the same predictable ways that might have worked before, even when they're no longer effective, similar to a panicked bird repeatedly flying into a window. This can lead to exhaustion, self-blame, or learned helplessness.
Instead of pushing harder in the same direction, we need psychological flexibility to look for new possibilities, try different things, and shift our energy and attention to paths that align with our values.
The sunk cost fallacy is the tendency to continue an endeavor because of the time and energy already invested, even if it's not working. This can keep us trapped in situations that are no longer beneficial, preventing us from seeking new, more aligned paths.
Curiosity fosters open-mindedness, making it difficult to be judgmental at the same time. It allows us to see new possibilities and prevents cognitive inflexibility, which often keeps us stuck in old patterns.
Journaling, when done with specific prompts or by drawing, can create cognitive diffusion, allowing us to step back and gain perspective on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This flexible perspective-taking helps us see new ways forward.
Values are qualities of action that bring a sense of aliveness and meaning, representing how we want to show up in the world. Aligning our energy with our values provides intrinsic motivation and helps direct our efforts towards what truly matters, even if it's not always enjoyable.
Focusing on the process keeps us engaged in the here and now, preventing the problem of constantly moving finish lines and the interference with present experience. It makes the effort feel more invigorating and vital, regardless of the ultimate outcome.
Running away from discomfort often leads to secondary problems (like procrastination or numbing behaviors) and prevents us from pursuing things connected to our values, as the things that matter most often involve discomfort.
Radical acceptance is the willingness to acknowledge and make space for what is, without necessarily approving of it. By accepting internal experiences (thoughts, emotions, sensations), we become more flexible and capable of making changes on the outside.
We can learn to notice our thoughts without entanglement, taking a few steps back to observe them (cognitive diffusion). This allows us to choose which thoughts to pay attention to, focusing on those aligned with our values and helpful in the moment.
Before dwelling on a thought, ask: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it timely? Is it helpful? These questions provide enough distance to engage in wiser internal dialogue and decide whether to focus on the thought.
Being embodied and having interoceptive awareness (awareness of internal bodily sensations) helps us get out of our heads, access valuable information for decision-making, and understand our needs (hunger, rest, movement) more effectively.
A 'whole body yes' or 'no' is an intuitive bodily response that signals alignment or misalignment with a decision, often based on past embodied learning. It's a feeling of openness or contraction that can provide valuable information when combined with other considerations like values.
Energy frenemies are our strengths or talents that, when overused or misused, can become problematic and drain our energy or lead us away from our values. Signals like regret or a lack of vitality can indicate that a strength has turned into a frenemy.
17 Actionable Insights
1. Shift Energy, Don’t Fly Harder
When feeling stuck, avoid applying more effort to the same ineffective strategies; instead, pause, look around for new possibilities, and use your energy differently. This requires flexibility in your attention and behavior to find an ‘open door’ rather than repeatedly hitting a ‘window’.
2. Align Effort with Values
Ensure your energy is directed towards what truly matters to you, as misalignment between your behavior and values can lead to de-energization and dissatisfaction. Reflect on what makes ’life its most lifey’ to identify and amplify activities that resonate deeply with your core values.
3. Connect Goals to Values
When setting goals, write down why they personally matter to you and how they connect to your values. This intrinsic motivation significantly increases the likelihood of sticking with your goals and achieving better outcomes compared to setting goals alone.
4. Focus on Process, Not Outcome
Shift your focus from solely achieving finish lines to engaging fully in the process itself, as outcomes often keep moving and can interfere with being present. Embracing the process brings vitality and meaning, even if it doesn’t always feel enjoyable.
5. Cultivate Open Curiosity
Develop a mindset of open-minded curiosity towards your situation and patterns of stuckness, rather than being judgmental or assuming you ‘already know.’ This approach allows you to see new possibilities and pathways to get unstuck.
6. Journal for Perspective
Use journaling with specific prompts to gain flexible perspective and cognitive diffusion, such as listing ‘five things I’m thinking, five things I’m feeling, five behaviors I’m engaging in,’ or drawing your stuck experience. This practice helps you step back and view your situation from a different angle.
7. Seek Behavioral Variation
When stuck, actively try behaviors that are different from what you’re currently doing, similar to a robot’s ‘Get Unstuck button.’ This increases the chances of finding a new path, as narrowing your behavioral repertoire tends to keep you stuck.
8. Embrace Discomfort, Don’t Avoid
Stop running away from discomfort, as avoidance strategies (e.g., distracting, numbing, procrastinating) often create secondary problems and prevent you from pursuing what you truly value. The things that matter most often come with discomfort.
9. Practice Radical Acceptance
Cultivate radical acceptance, which is a willingness to make space for and allow ‘what is,’ even if you don’t like it. Accepting your internal experiences (thoughts, emotions, urges, memories, sensations) allows for greater flexibility and enables external change.
10. Work with Your Rooster Mind
Recognize that your mind constantly produces thoughts, like a crowing rooster, but you don’t have to follow or fight them. Practice cognitive diffusion by stepping back and choosing which thoughts to pay attention to, especially those aligned with your values.
11. Question Unhelpful Thoughts
When your mind is filled with worries or unhelpful thoughts, ask yourself four questions: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it timely? Is it helpful? This provides distance and helps you engage in wiser internal speech, allowing you to choose where to focus your energy.
12. Tune Into Your Body
Cultivate interoceptive awareness by paying attention to your body’s signals, such as heartbeat, breath, hunger, fullness, and emotions, to make better decisions and gain valuable information often missed when you’re ‘in your head’.
13. Listen for Whole Body Yes/No
When making decisions, check in with your body to sense a ‘whole body yes’ (openness, leaning in) or a ‘whole body no’ (contraction, shying away). Your embodied intuition, based on past learning, can provide quick, valuable information to complement your mental analysis.
14. Use HEART for Body Check-in
Regularly use the HEART acronym for a body check-in: H (Hunger & Fullness) to guide eating, E (Emotions) to identify feelings in your body, A (Activity) to respond to movement cravings, R (Rest) to seek genuine relaxation, and T (Tension) to notice and release physical stress.
15. Work from Body Up
Consciously alter your physical state (e.g., exhale longer, drop shoulders, relax face/belly) to send calming information to your brain. This ‘bottom-up’ approach can be beneficial in managing stress and emotional states, as your body influences your mind.
16. Identify Energy Frenemies
Be aware that your greatest strengths and talents (‘genius energy’) can become ‘frenemies’ when misused or overused, leading to negative outcomes. For example, humor can become too lighthearted, or persistence can turn into inflexibility.
17. Use Regret for Course Correction
View feelings of regret as a powerful indicator that your energy is off-track or a strength has become a frenemy. Use this discomfort as an arrow pointing towards self-correction to realign your actions with your values.
10 Key Quotes
If I just fly harder at this relationship, or work harder in a work setting that's actually toxic for me, maybe that will get me out.
Dr. Diana Hill
What that bird actually needs is not to fly harder at the same thing. Maybe it could use a little rest, a little rest on that kitchen floor. But not to, you know, give up. But to use its energy differently, that may be look around, look in places that you haven't looked before, try new things.
Dr. Diana Hill
When your energy becomes a problem, it's often because your gifts and talents aren't aligned with your values.
Dr. Diana Hill
I kind of think curiosity and openness is the new mindfulness.
Dr. Diana Hill
The things that matter to us are often the things that cause us the most discomfort.
Dr. Diana Hill
There's a difference between acceptance and approval. There is a difference between acceptance and allowing harm to be done. There is a difference between acceptance and saying something is okay.
Dr. Diana Hill
Our body is also really useful for the decisions that we make. You know, sometimes we're making a decision that might feel like a hard decision. But if we check in with our bodies, even though our mind is like, I don't know, should I accept this thing or not? Our bodies are screaming at us saying like, don't accept that calendar invite, or don't say yes to that thing.
Dr. Diana Hill
Your body has been on panels before and remembers. Your body has put off the surf trip before and remembers.
Dr. Diana Hill
Information flows both ways, right? So our bodies can send information to our mind. We don't think about working from the body up. We always think from the top down.
Dr. Diana Hill
The big question is basically how do you want to show up in this moment and how can you use your strengths, your gifts, your talents, you to help support you in doing that and I think that's wise effort.
Dr. Diana Hill
5 Protocols
Journaling for Flexible Perspective Taking
Dr. Diana Hill- Write down five things you are thinking right now.
- Write down five things you are feeling right now.
- Write down five behaviors you are engaging in right now.
- Draw your experience of being stuck or your internal feelings without language.
- Consider different perspectives, such as a compassionate view or a view from the end of the week.
- Optionally, write a letter from a critical body part to yourself to shift perspective.
Daily Scan for 'Life at its Most Lifey'
Dr. Diana Hill- Before bed, scan your day.
- Identify moments when you felt 'life at its most lifey' or a sense of aliveness.
Three Steps of Behavioral Evolution
Dr. Diana Hill- Variation: Try everything in your repertoire other than what you're currently doing when stuck.
- Selection: Notice when something works or when a shift occurs.
- Retention: Reinforce and retain the behaviors that work.
Wise Speech Questions for Internal Dialogue
Dr. Diana Hill- Ask yourself: Is it kind?
- Ask yourself: Is it true?
- Ask yourself: Is it timely?
- Ask yourself: Is it helpful?
HEART Acronym for Body Awareness
Dr. Diana Hill- H - Hunger and fullness: Check in before and during eating.
- E - Emotions: Identify what you are feeling in your body, not just thinking.
- A - Activity: Notice if your body craves movement.
- R - Rest: Assess if you need deep rest, not just distraction.
- T - Tension: Identify where you are holding tension in your body and consider releasing it.