Why Chasing Success Can Leave You Feeling Stuck (with David Brooks)
Author and cultural commentator David Brooks, a New York Times columnist, discusses moving beyond resume virtues to focus on character development for a more fulfilling life. He offers practical ways to get unstuck through small, daily changes, acts of service, and deeper interpersonal connections.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
Introduction to Character Development and Well-being
Distinction Between Resume Virtues and Eulogy Virtues
Character Development as an Everyday Practice
Embracing Challenge and the Wanting System
Understanding Your 'Ruling Passion of the Soul'
The Importance of Humility and Willingness
Developing Character Through Community Service
The Role of Basic Social Skills in Connection
David Brooks' Personal Journey of Emotional Growth
The Power of Just and Loving Attention
Challenges to Deep Connection in Modern Society
The Three Components of Empathy
Overcoming the 'Dark World Mentality'
Underestimating the Joy of Connecting with Strangers
Ambition vs. Aspiration in Character Development
11 Key Concepts
Resume Virtues
These are skills that make you good at your job, like being a great lawyer or accountant, and are often emphasized by schools and families.
Eulogy Virtues
These are the qualities people remember about you after you're gone, such as being honest, honorable, courageous, or capable of great love, and are ultimately more important than resume virtues.
Character as an Everyday Practice
Character development is not about grand transformations but about continuous, small, daily efforts to push back against the 'materialistic drag' or 'corrosion' inherent in various professions and life, similar to how crafts are learned through small habits.
Liking System vs. Wanting System
The brain has two systems: the 'liking system' which responds to immediate pleasure, and the 'wanting system' which drives towards deeper, sometimes challenging, fulfillment. Focusing on the wanting system can lead to more meaningful and fulfilling experiences.
Ruling Passion of the Soul
This concept suggests that people are defined not by their opinions or successes, but by a core, fundamental desire or drive within them, such as a love for pleasure, understanding, or justice. Many people, however, have not explored or identified their own ruling passion.
Being Seized
This refers to the powerful experience of being captivated or compelled by an idea, a person, a cause, or a creative impulse to the point where one feels an undeniable urge to act, almost as if there is no choice but to pursue it. It's an underrated skill to be open to such a profound influence.
Humility (David Brooks' Definition)
Humility is defined as radical self-awareness from a position of other-centeredness, involving the ability to step outside oneself and accurately and honestly perceive oneself. This self-awareness provides stability and reduces the need to constantly impress others.
Weavers
'Weavers' are individuals who actively hold their neighborhoods and communities together, often through acts of 'aggressive friendship' or dedicated service, whether formally organized or informally. They embody a better way of living by fostering interdependence and connection at the local level.
Just and Loving Attention
This concept, inspired by Iris Murdoch, advocates for seeing others not through self-centered eyes (how they might benefit or harm us), but with an accurate, honest, and compassionate gaze. It involves getting outside oneself to truly perceive and appreciate another person.
Empathy (Three Components)
Empathy is comprised of three distinct elements: emotional connection (physically sharing an emotion), mentalizing (using one's own experiences to theorize about another's feelings), and caring (acting in a way that genuinely meets the other person's needs, not just what's comfortable for oneself).
Ambition vs. Aspiration
Ambition is focused on building outward success and achieving external markers, whereas aspiration is an internal drive to become a better person, focusing on character development and personal growth.
6 Questions Answered
Resume virtues are skills for job success, while eulogy virtues are character traits remembered after death, such as honesty and courage, which are more important.
David Brooks believes humility is the most important virtue, defining it as radical self-awareness from a position of other-centeredness.
Yes, it's never too late to change. David Brooks shares a personal anecdote of overcoming his own inhibitions at a conference, demonstrating that significant personal growth and change are possible even at older ages.
The internet and media contribute to a negative climate by prioritizing headlines that generate fear and anger, leading to a surge in the usage of negative words and a reluctance to express positive experiences like loving parenthood.
Research suggests that people consistently underestimate how much they will enjoy talking to strangers and how deep those conversations can get, often finding such interactions more interesting than solitary activities.
Focus on aspiration—the internal drive to be a better person—rather than ambition, which is about outward success. Mixed motives (selfish and altruistic) are fine, as long as the underlying goal is genuine personal growth.
34 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Aspiration Over Ambition
Focus on aspiration—the goal of becoming a better person—rather than ambition, which is focused on outward success, as aspiration leads to a longer-lasting happiness boost.
2. Shift to Other-Centered Mindset
Actively turn your mindset from self-focus towards others, as service and connection are effective paths to developing deeper meaning and getting psychologically unstuck.
3. Cultivate Other-Centered Humility
Develop humility through radical self-awareness from a position of other-centeredness, allowing you to see yourself accurately and honestly without constantly seeking to impress.
4. Embrace Vulnerability in Pain
In moments of pain, choose to be ‘broken open’ by allowing yourself to be more vulnerable, as this is the only pathway to personal growth, rather than becoming invulnerable.
5. Master Making Others Feel Seen
Develop the ‘apex skill’ of making others feel seen, heard, and understood, treating it as a learnable skill that is crucial for meaningful connection.
6. Lead with Preemptive Vulnerability
Act in ways that are trusting and practice preemptive vulnerability, understanding that while occasional betrayal may occur, it generally pays off and fosters stronger connections.
7. Practice Character Daily
Develop character through small, everyday practice changes and habits, recognizing that character is forged incrementally, not through massive, sudden transformations.
8. Prioritize Your “Wanting System”
Pay attention to your ‘wanting system’ over your ’liking system,’ as it is more reliable for pursuing hard and challenging things that lead to deep fulfillment, even if the process isn’t always enjoyable.
9. Be Open to Being Seized
Cultivate a willingness to be ‘seized’ by interests or passions, approaching life like wandering through a bookstore, open to being captured by whatever genuinely interests you.
10. Initiate Positive Social Cycles
Actively make connections and try to see others, as putting good out there encourages reciprocation and builds more positive interactions and cycles.
11. Engage in Local Service
Look around your neighborhood to identify problems, discuss them, and then assess what unique skills you possess to contribute and help your community.
12. Commit to Showing Up
Consistently show up for others, even in the face of rejection, as this persistent presence can be identity-changing for both you and the person you’re supporting.
13. Cast Just and Loving Attention
Shift from self-centered attention to casting a ‘just and loving attention’ on others, seeing them with fair and compassionate eyes rather than evaluating them based on personal gain.
14. Practice Full Attention
Give your full attention to others, recognizing it as the ultimate act of generosity and a fundamental component of moral interaction.
15. Practice Powerful Listening
Actively practice listening, understanding that it is a tremendously powerful act in human connection and fostering deeper understanding.
16. Initiate Conversations with Strangers
Force yourself to start conversations with strangers, even if you anticipate boredom, as these interactions often prove more interesting and rewarding than expected.
17. Practice Deeper Vulnerability
Engage in deeper vulnerability by sharing things you might be embarrassed about or asking profound questions, as this often leads to surprisingly positive and connecting experiences.
18. Ask Personal Questions
Don’t hesitate to ask people questions about their lives, even personal ones, as people are often willing to share and appreciate being asked.
19. Value Small Connections
Do not underestimate the power of small moments of connection and brief acts of attention, as they can significantly impact relationships and overall well-being.
20. Reconnect with Childhood Desires
Reflect on your childhood to uncover dormant gifts or desires you left behind, as re-tapping into these can help you connect with a deeper sense of self and purpose.
21. Identify Core Desires
Ask yourself what you truly want deep down at the core of your being, as understanding your own desires is crucial for personal fulfillment.
22. Read Biographies of Admiration
Read books about people you admire to unconsciously adopt some of their admirable qualities and become a better person.
23. Surround with Admired Figures
Place postcards or portraits of people you admire on your wall to surround yourself with their influence, which can lift your spirits and inspire you.
24. Learn Basic Social Skills
Actively learn and practice basic social skills, such as how to sit with someone depressed, break up gracefully, ask for forgiveness, or end a conversation politely.
25. Improve Conversation Quality
Focus on improving the quality of your conversations, as this directly reflects and enhances the quality of your overall interactions with others.
26. Avoid Quantifying Human Beings
Be cautious and stop whenever you find yourself quantifying a human being, as the most important aspects of life, like determination and kindness, are not easily measurable.
27. Avoid Over-Autonomizing
Be mindful of ‘over-autonomizing’ by putting away phones and intentionally seeking connection, as excessive autonomy can lead to poorer long-term well-being despite short-term ease.
28. Challenge Selfishness Assumptions
Challenge the assumption that people are fundamentally selfish and avoid ascribing darker motivations to others, as this leads to a ‘dark world mentality’ that hinders trust and connection.
29. Provide Effective Care
Offer ’effective care’ by focusing on what the other person truly needs in a given moment, rather than what is comfortable or convenient for you.
30. Practice Aggressive Friendship
Engage in ‘aggressive friendship’ by actively connecting with and supporting your community, such as being the person who posts everything to keep neighbors informed.
31. Cultivate Daily Personal Depth
Engage in practices like reading spiritual books and attending religious services consistently to make yourself a little deeper each day.
32. Embrace Mixed Motives
Allow your actions to be driven by both selfish and altruistic reasons, recognizing this as a sign of a well-structured society and a healthy approach to personal growth.
33. Avoid Constant Busyness
Do not be constantly busy or have a ‘clock in your head’ during interactions, as this behavior can destroy relationships by making others feel unheard and undervalued.
34. Avoid Workaholism for Crises
Do not use workaholism as a coping mechanism for spiritual or emotional crises, as it is an ineffective therapy that only provides an outward appearance of success.
10 Key Quotes
the eulogy virtues are the things they say about you after you're dead, whether you're honest, honorable, courageous, capable, or great love.
David Brooks
character is forged the way we learn crafts, by small habits.
David Brooks
I don't like to write, but I want to write.
David Brooks
When you're seized, it's almost like you don't have a choice. You're in the double negative. I can't not do this.
David Brooks
C.S. Lewis defined humility as not thinking lowly of yourself, but really not thinking of yourself.
David Brooks
I define humility as radical self-awareness from a position of other-centeredness.
David Brooks
in moments of pain, you can either be broken or broken open.
Frederick Buechner (quoted by David Brooks)
attention is the ultimate act of generosity.
Simone Weil (quoted by David Brooks)
When you pray to God, what do you say to him? And she said, I don't say anything. I just listen. And Rather says, well, what is God saying to you? And Mother Teresa says, oh, he's not saying anything. He's just listening.
David Brooks (recounting a story about Mother Teresa)
if you act in ways that are trusting, preemptive vulnerability, you will be betrayed sometimes. And they will hurt you. But it's still better. And most of the time it pays off. And you're glad you led with trust.
David Brooks
2 Protocols
Character Development through Admiration
David Brooks- Read books about people you admire.
- Unconsciously be a little more like them.
- Surround yourself with images or reminders of admired exemplars (e.g., postcards, portraits) on your wall.
- Let the 'eyes of the dead and the eyes of the admired' lift your spirits and guide your actions.
Thread Organization's Approach to Youth Support
David Brooks (describing Sarah Hemminger's organization)- Surround young people from Baltimore schools with four dedicated volunteers.
- Establish a network of people called 'grandparents' and counselors to provide additional support.
- Offer comprehensive assistance, including school support, meals, and anything an extended family would provide.
- Maintain a strict 'no leaving' rule, ensuring volunteers consistently show up for the youth, even after rejection, to foster identity-changing trust.