Why Having the Courage to Defy Makes us Happier (with Dr Sunita Sah)
Dr. Sunita Sah, a Cornell professor and author of "Defy, The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes," discusses how to say no more often and align actions with values. She explains that true defiance means acting according to one's values, even under pressure, to improve happiness and avoid the personal and societal costs of excessive compliance.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to Defiance and Saying No
Sunita Sah's Redefined Meaning of Defiance
Societal Wiring for Compliance and its Rewards
Personal Dangers and Costs of Excessive Compliance
Understanding Insinuation Anxiety
Impact of Compliance on Personal Values and Well-being
Societal Costs and Historical Examples of Compliance
Reinterpreting the Milgram Obedience Experiments
Milgram's Agentic State and Its Limitations
The Concept of Conscious Compliance
Assessing Safety and Impact Before Defying
The Misunderstood Defiance of Rosa Parks
The Defiance Compass for Decision-Making
Distinguishing Between Compliance and True Consent
Modeling Defiance: Personal Stories and Ripple Effects
Practical Steps for Cultivating Defiance
5 Key Concepts
Defiance (Sunita Sah's Definition)
To defy is to act in accordance with one's true values, especially when there is pressure to do otherwise. This transforms defiance from a negative connotation into a positive, almost pro-social act in society.
Insinuation Anxiety
A distinct type of anxiety felt when individuals become concerned that not complying with someone's order, suggestion, or expectation might send a negative evaluation (e.g., untrustworthy, incompetent, biased) to that person. This anxiety often keeps people compliant and silent.
Agentic State (Milgram's)
A concept proposed by Milgram where individuals perceive themselves as agents of another's will, giving away their responsibility and power to an authority figure. However, the tension felt in such situations is actually a signal of one's own agency, not a weakness.
Conscious Compliance
A deliberate decision to comply in situations where there is a real risk to one's financial, psychological, or physical safety, or when defiance is unlikely to be effective. It differs from automatic compliance by being a meta-awareness of the decision to defer defiance for another moment.
Informed Consent (in Medicine)
A framework in medicine requiring five elements for a true decision: capacity (brain ability), knowledge (information), understanding (grasp of risks/benefits/alternatives), freedom to say no, and authorization (a deeply considered true yes or no). If freedom to say no is absent, it is merely compliance.
8 Questions Answered
People are socialized and rewarded for compliance, and they often experience 'insinuation anxiety,' a fear of implying negative evaluations about others if they disagree or say no, which keeps them compliant and silent.
Constantly disregarding one's values and bowing to others can take a significant toll psychologically, spiritually, emotionally, and even physically, leading to issues like burnout, stress, anxiety, and chronic inflammation.
While often cited for blind obedience, the Milgram experiments also show that many participants experienced significant distress and wanted to defy, indicating they were not 'moral imbeciles' but struggled with how to act on their desire to say no.
The agentic state describes giving away one's responsibility to an authority figure, but the tension felt when asked to do something wrong is actually a signal of one's own agency, alerting us that something is amiss and indicating a desire to defy.
Conscious compliance is chosen when there's a real risk to one's safety (financial, psychological, or physical) or when defying is unlikely to be effective, requiring a personal 'defiance calculus' of costs and benefits to determine if it's the right time and way to defy.
Her defiance was not a spontaneous act but a deliberate one rooted in her deep values for equality, preceded by many moments of compliance, showing that defying authority can come with significant personal costs but can also have profound societal impact, especially with community support.
By using a 'defiance compass' that involves asking three questions: 'Who am I?' (clarifying values), 'What kind of situation is this?' (assessing safety and effectiveness), and 'What does a person like me do in a situation like this?' (connecting actions to values and responsibilities).
Consent requires capacity, knowledge, understanding, freedom to say no, and authorization. If the freedom to say no is absent, it is merely compliance, not a deeply considered 'true yes' or 'true no'.
10 Actionable Insights
1. Clarify Your Core Values
Actively identify and understand your personal values (e.g., integrity, fairness, compassion) as this clarity strengthens your intended behaviors and reduces biological stress responses, forming the ‘Who am I?’ part of the defiance compass.
2. Use the Defiance Compass
When facing a decision, ask three questions: ‘Who am I?’ (what are my values?), ‘What kind of situation is this?’ (is it safe and effective to defy?), and ‘What does a person like me do in a situation like this?’ to align actions with values.
3. Distinguish Consent from Compliance
Before agreeing, ensure five elements of informed consent are present: capacity, knowledge, understanding, freedom to say no, and your true authorization. If the freedom to say no is absent, it’s merely compliance, not true consent.
4. Acknowledge Internal Tension
Recognize feelings of tension, anxiety, or discomfort when pressured to comply as a ‘first stage of defiance’ and a signal that something is wrong, indicating your agency is still present and not fully given away.
5. Vocalize Discomfort Early
If you feel tension or discomfort about a request, acknowledge it to yourself and then vocalize it to the person making the request by saying, ‘I’m uncomfortable with that’ or ‘What do you mean by that?’ to make your stance known externally.
6. Assess Safety and Impact Before Defying
Before choosing to defy, ask yourself: ‘Is it safe enough for me to defy?’ (considering financial, psychological, or physical risks) and ‘Will it have enough positive impact?’ to make an informed decision about the situation.
7. Consider the Costs of Saying Yes
When asked to take on commitments or tasks, actively think about the potential negative costs of saying ‘yes’ (e.g., impact on well-being, family, or other priorities), not just the perceived costs of saying ’no’.
8. Practice Defiance Consistently
Understand that defiance is a ‘practice, not a personality,’ meaning it’s a skill that can be developed and improved over time through repeated action, rather than an inherent trait.
9. Model Defiance for Others
Actively teach, parent for, and model defiance in your own life to encourage others, especially children, to develop this skill and create a ripple effect of positive resistance in society.
10. Consciously Choose Compliance When Necessary
In situations where defying carries too great a risk (financial, psychological, or physical) or the benefits are too small, consciously choose compliance and defer defiance for a safer or more impactful moment.
5 Key Quotes
To defy is simply to act in accordance with your true values, especially when there is pressure to do otherwise.
Dr. Sunita Sah
If you're constantly bowing your head to other people, if you're constantly disregarding your values, then it does take a toll on us, you know, psychologically, spiritually, emotionally, and even physically.
Dr. Sunita Sah
If we feel that tension, that is actually a strength, not a weakness, because it alerts us to something is wrong here.
Dr. Sunita Sah
Defiance is a practice, not a personality.
Dr. Sunita Sah
It's not just about thinking about what are the costs of saying no, thinking about what are the costs of saying yes in this situation.
Dr. Sunita Sah
3 Protocols
The Defiance Compass for Decision-Making
Dr. Sunita Sah (adapted from James March)- Ask: 'Who am I?' (Figure out your values and what you stand for, as clarifying values leads to lower biological stress response and more aligned behaviors).
- Ask: 'What kind of situation is this?' (Look externally and assess if it is safe enough to defy and if it will have enough positive impact).
- Ask: 'What does a person like me do in a situation like this?' (Connect with your responsibilities and values, as actions affect who you are).
Elements of Informed Consent (in Medicine)
Dr. Sunita Sah- Capacity: The brain capacity to make a decision, not under the influence of drugs/alcohol or too sick.
- Knowledge: Having information on the decision.
- Understanding: A thorough grasp of the risks, benefits, and alternatives.
- Freedom to say no: The ability to decline without pressure; if absent, it's merely compliance, not consent.
- Authorization: A deeply considered 'true yes' or 'true no' when the other four elements are present.
Steps for Cultivating Defiance
Dr. Laurie Santos (summarizing Dr. Sunita Sah's advice)- Acknowledge your anxiety: Recognize that 'yucky feeling' as a signal that something feels off.
- Consider your values: Reflect on how your values might guide your actions in the situation.
- Vocalize your discomfort: Make it known externally, even by saying 'I'm uncomfortable with that' or 'What do you mean by that?'.
- Give your true no: If you feel safe enough and believe it could have an impact, act on your decision to defy.