1. Redefine Forgiveness as Peace
Understand forgiveness as making peace with the word “no” – accepting that you didn’t get something you wanted – and being at peace with your life right now, releasing the complaint.
2. Forgive by Remembering Differently
Practice forgiveness not by forgetting, but by actively reframing your story about past hurts, remembering the event differently to quiet emotional arousal and change your perspective.
3. Forgiveness is an Internal Act
Recognize that forgiveness is an internal process of releasing blame and bitterness that does not require reconciliation or connection with the person who caused harm.
4. Embrace Forgiveness as Strength
View forgiveness as an act of bravery and strength, not weakness, as it requires feeling the pain of being human and consciously choosing to release that suffering when appropriate.
5. Shift Focus to Present & Future
Redirect your awareness from past grievances to your present life and the creation of your future, understanding that holding onto past hurts keeps you captive.
6. Cultivate Gratitude for Clarity
Balance your focus on what you perceive the world didn’t give you with gratitude for what it did, allowing you to see situations more clearly and aid the forgiveness process.
7. Practice Embodied Calm
When upset, actively calm your body by anchoring in your center, taking deep breaths, and consciously connecting with positive emotions like love or awe to counter-condition your stress response.
8. Start Forgiveness with Small Steps
Begin your forgiveness journey by practicing on your own, perhaps by mentally exploring what forgiveness might look like for small grievances, before tackling larger ones.
9. Apply Forgiveness in Close Relationships
Prioritize practicing forgiveness within your most important relationships, such as marriage, as it is crucial for building and maintaining strong, healthy connections.
10. Accept Forgiveness as a Messy Practice
Understand that forgiveness is not a one-time event but a gradual, messy process that you will return to repeatedly, forgiving in stages and growing into it over time.
11. Leverage Temporal Fresh Starts
Utilize “temporal fresh starts” like the beginning of spring or other new beginnings to boost your motivation for making positive changes and initiating new goals.
12. Mentally Unstick Deed from Doer
Practice forgiveness by mentally separating the harmful deed from the person who committed it, choosing not to count the wrongdoing against them.