Why Living Without Regret is a Bad Idea
Dr. Laurie Santos, with guests Daniel Pink and Liz Fosslien, explores how embracing regret, rather than avoiding it, can be a powerful tool for self-improvement. They discuss using regrets to clarify values, make better choices aligned with one's ideal self, and live a more authentic life.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Initial Experiences and Common Feelings About Regret
Challenging the 'No Regrets' Philosophy
Personal Story: Liz Fosslien's Regret of Not Supporting Her Mother
Common Misconceptions About Living a Regret-Free Life
Defining Regret and Its Cognitive Components
Understanding Downward and Upward Counterfactual Thinking
The Adaptive Benefits of Feeling Regret
Self-Discrepancy Theory: Ideal Self vs. Ought Self
Long-Term Regrets Stem from Ignoring the Ideal Self
Learning from Past Regrets to Inform Future Choices
Daniel Pink's Framework for Harnessing Regret
Addressing Action Regrets vs. Inaction Regrets
Strategies for Dealing with Unfixable Regrets
The Transformative Power of Embracing Regret
8 Key Concepts
Regret
An emotion that makes us feel bad, arising from our brain's ability to accept blame for past actions, mentally time travel to those events, imagine different decisions (fabulism), and create counterfactual timelines.
Fabulism
A cognitive feat involved in regret where our brains imagine making a different decision than we actually made in the past, and then negate that experience to reconfigure the present based on the undone decision.
Counterfactual Thinking
The cognitive superpower engaged when feeling regret, where we create new, completely imaginary timelines that run counter to the facts of what actually happened.
Downward Counterfactuals
A type of counterfactual thinking where we imagine how things could have been worse, often involving the phrase 'well, at least,' which typically helps us feel better.
Upward Counterfactuals
A type of counterfactual thinking where we imagine how things could have been better, often making us say 'if only,' which tends to make us feel worse and dominates our thoughts.
Self-Discrepancy Theory
A psychological idea proposing that people compare their real, actual self to two different model selves: the ideal self (truest, authentic self) and the ought self (duty, obligation, what's expected).
Ideal Self
The truest, most authentic version of oneself, driven by hopes, dreams, and aspirations, ignoring societal pressures. Long-term regrets often stem from not living up to this self.
Ought Self
The version of oneself focused on duty, obligation, and doing what is expected by others or society. Ignoring this self can cause short-term discomfort, but less long-term regret compared to ignoring the ideal self.
7 Questions Answered
No, the 'no regrets' philosophy is considered an unhealthy recipe for living because negative emotions like regret serve a function by providing information and data that can help clarify values and instruct on how to live better.
Regret requires the ability to accept blame (agency), mentally time travel to past events, imagine making different decisions (fabulism), and engage in counterfactual thinking to create imaginary alternative timelines.
Downward counterfactuals (imagining things could have been worse, 'at least') generally make us feel better, while upward counterfactuals (imagining things could have been better, 'if only') make us feel worse and tend to dominate our thoughts.
Research shows that long-term regrets are much more likely to stem from ignoring the person we ideally want to be (our ideal self) rather than not living up to what we ought to do (our ought self).
If you are at a juncture wondering whether to reach out, the answer is almost always to do it, as people tend to underestimate how much the other side cares and overestimate how awkward it will be.
Replacing 'should have' with 'what if' can be valuable, as it allows for self-grace while shifting the mindset towards what the future could look like if one learned from the past experience.
Yes, admitting your regrets to a close confidant or writing about them in a journal can make them more concrete, less fearsome, and initiate a sense-making process that can lead to higher life satisfaction and better mental well-being.
15 Actionable Insights
1. Use Regrets as Data
Instead of ignoring or wallowing in regrets, use them as information and data to clarify your values and instruct you on how to live a better life.
2. Embrace Regret’s Pain
To become a better person, commit to directly embracing your regrets and the pain they cause, as this transformative emotion can lead to growth.
3. Allow Yourself to Feel Regret
Do not try to fast forward through the painful parts of regret; allow yourself to fully feel the discomfort, as this pain is what enables you to learn valuable lessons and commit to doing better.
4. Extract Lessons from Regrets
After processing a regret, actively engage in sense-making by asking what you learned from the experience and how you will apply that lesson to your future actions to avoid similar mistakes.
5. Identify Your Ideal Self
Pay attention to your ‘ideal self’ – the truest, most authentic version of you that ignores societal pressure and pursues hopes and dreams – to make choices that lead to greater happiness.
6. Pursue Ideal Self Path
When faced with a choice between what society expects (ought self) and what truly resonates with your soul (ideal self), choose the path that aligns with your ideal self to achieve greater happiness.
7. Categorize Your Regret
When dealing with regret, first determine if it’s an ‘action regret’ (something you did) or an ‘inaction regret’ (something you didn’t do), as the solution depends on the category.
8. Address Action Regrets (4 A’s)
For regrets about actions you took, admit what you’ve done, assess the damage, apologize for your actions, and atone as best you can to make amends.
9. Act on Inaction Regrets Now
If your regret stems from something you didn’t do, take action now to do the thing you haven’t gotten around to, as acting sooner rather than later is crucial for fixing inaction regrets.
10. Always Reach Out
If you find yourself wondering whether to reach out to someone with whom a relationship has drifted, always choose to reach out, as people almost always care and the awkwardness is often less than anticipated.
11. Prioritize Presence Over Perfection
When a ‘perfectionist ought self’ voice urges you to prioritize external expectations, remember the potential future pain of inaction and choose to show up for loved ones in important moments.
12. Practice Self-Compassion for Unfixable Regrets
For regrets that cannot be fixed, normalize your mistakes as part of the human condition and treat yourself with kindness and self-compassion rather than contempt.
13. Share Your Regrets
Share your regrets with a close confidant or write them in a journal to make them more concrete, less fearsome, and to initiate the sense-making process, which can improve mental well-being.
14. Replace “Should Have” with “What If”
Replace the regretful phrase ‘should have’ with ‘what if’ to give yourself grace and shift your mindset towards learning from past experiences for future actions.
15. Use “At Least” Framing
When reflecting on past mistakes, use ‘at least’ counterfactuals (e.g., ‘at least there was a later flight’) to find silver linings and remember that things could have been worse.
7 Key Quotes
To live in regret and change nothing else in your life is to miss the entire point.
Augustine Burroughs (quoted by Liz and Molly)
I think that no regrets, the philosophy of no regrets, that you should never look backward, you should always look forward, never be negative, always be positive, is a profoundly bad idea. I think it is an unhealthy recipe for living.
Daniel Pink
If you pursue the path that brings you closer to your ideal self, you tend to be happier.
Dr. Laurie Santos
Regrets can be burned as fuel.
(quoted by Liz and Molly)
The reason they make us do better is because they make us feel worse.
Daniel Pink
One of the most important things you can do when you screw up is treat yourself with self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness rather than contempt. Recognize that your mistakes are part of the human condition.
Daniel Pink
If there's some past action that makes you cringe, fix it. Didn't take on that big challenge your ideal self was pushing for? Do it now. And if you can't go back and change the past, find ways to see those pangs of remorse in a new light. As a powerful way for your ideal self to nudge you in the right direction.
Dr. Laurie Santos
2 Protocols
Dealing with Action Regrets (What You Did)
Valerie Burton (advice quoted by Daniel Pink)- Admit what you've done.
- Assess the damage done.
- Apologize for your actions.
- Atone as best you can (e.g., buy a new mug if you broke one).
Harnessing Regrets for a Better Life
Daniel Pink (with contributions from Valerie Burton and Liz Fosslien's reframing)- Let yourself feel the pain of regret, as it's necessary for improvement.
- Determine the specific category of regret (action or inaction).
- For action regrets, admit, assess, apologize, and atone.
- For inaction regrets, do the thing you haven't done yet, especially reaching out in social relationships.
- For unfixable regrets, normalize the mistake and treat yourself with self-compassion.
- Use 'at least' phrasing or reframe 'should have' to 'what if' to find silver linings and shift mindset.
- Share your regrets with a confidant or in a journal to make them concrete and start sense-making.
- Extract a lesson from the regret and apply it going forward.