Why “No Regrets” Is Bad Advice
Dr. Laurie Santos, with authors Daniel Pink and Liz Fosslien, challenges the "no regrets" philosophy, arguing that embracing regret can reveal core values and lead to better decisions. The episode explores the science of regret, distinguishing between ideal and ought selves, and offers strategies to transform painful past mistakes into powerful lessons for a happier, more authentic future.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
Challenging the 'No Regrets' Philosophy
Personal Stories of Regret
The Universality of Regret
Defining Regret and Its Cognitive Abilities
Counterfactual Thinking: Upward vs. Downward
The Adaptive Function of Negative Emotions
Regret as a Clarifier of Values
Self-Discrepancy Theory: Ideal vs. Ought Self
Long-Term Regrets and the Ideal Self
Transforming Regret into Fuel for Change
Strategies for Dealing with Action Regrets
Strategies for Dealing with Inaction Regrets
The Importance of Reaching Out in Relationships
Coping with Unfixable Regrets
Harnessing Regret for a Better Future
10 Key Concepts
Regret
An emotion that makes us feel bad, arising from our brain's ability to accept blame, time travel mentally to the past, imagine different decisions (fabulism), and create counterfactual timelines.
Fabulism
A cognitive feat involved in regret where our brains imagine making a different decision in the past than we actually made. This allows us to reconfigure the present based on an undone past decision.
Counterfactual Thinking
The process of creating new, completely imaginary timelines that run 'counter to the facts.' It involves imagining how things could have been different, either better or worse.
Downward Counterfactuals
A type of counterfactual thinking where we imagine how things could have been worse, often using the phrase 'at least.' These usually make us feel better by highlighting the positive aspects of our current situation.
Upward Counterfactuals
A type of counterfactual thinking where we imagine how things could have been better, often using the phrase 'if only.' These tend to make us feel worse by highlighting missed opportunities or mistakes.
Self-Discrepancy Theory
A psychological theory proposed by Tori Higgins, which observes that people compare their real self to two model selves: the ideal self and the ought self. Discrepancies between these selves can lead to different emotional outcomes.
Ideal Self
The truest, most authentic version of you, driven by hopes, dreams, and aspirations, ignoring societal pressures. Pursuing this self tends to lead to greater long-term happiness.
Ought Self
The version of yourself focused on duty, obligation, and doing what's expected by others or society. Ignoring this self can lead to short-term discomfort, but long-term regrets are less often tied to it.
Action Regrets
Regrets about things we did, which are often fixable by admitting, assessing damage, apologizing, and atoning for the actions.
Inaction Regrets
Regrets about things we didn't do, which are often fixable by taking the missed action as soon as possible.
6 Questions Answered
No, the 'no regrets' philosophy is considered a profoundly bad and unhealthy way to live because it encourages ignoring valuable information that regrets provide. Embracing regret can clarify values and instruct on how to live better.
People feel regret due to complex cognitive abilities: accepting blame for their actions, mentally time traveling to the past, imagining different decisions (fabulism), and creating counterfactual timelines where things could have been different.
Painful 'if only' (upward) counterfactuals, where we imagine things could have been better, are used more than 80% of the time, outweighing the nicer-feeling 'at least' (downward) counterfactuals.
Negative emotions, including regret, serve an adaptive function by providing information and signals. They can clarify what we value and instruct us on how to live better, rather than just being something to banish.
Research shows that long-term regrets are much more likely to stem from ignoring the person we ideally want to be (our ideal self). Pursuing the path that brings you closer to your ideal self tends to lead to greater happiness.
For unfixable regrets, the strategy involves changing how we think about them. This includes normalizing the mistake, practicing self-compassion, reframing 'should have' to 'what if,' sharing regrets, and extracting lessons for future behavior.
9 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Regret as Information
Instead of ignoring or wallowing in regret, use it as data to clarify what you value and instruct you on how to live better. This painful emotion can be a critical signpost for the version of yourself you most want to be.
2. Prioritize Your Ideal Self
When faced with a choice between your ‘ideal self’ (who you authentically want to be) and your ‘ought self’ (what you feel obligated to do), choose the path that aligns with your ideal self. Long-term regrets are more likely to stem from ignoring your ideal aspirations.
3. Address Action Regrets Promptly
For regrets about things you did, admit your actions, assess the damage, apologize, and atone as best you can. This process helps acknowledge what happened and make amends.
4. Fix Inaction Regrets Now
If your regret stems from something you didn’t do, take action as soon as possible. The best time to act was in the past, but the second best time is now, especially for missed opportunities or neglected relationships.
5. Always Reach Out to Others
If you’re wondering whether to reconnect with someone, always reach out, even if it feels awkward. People often misjudge the awkwardness and underestimate how much the other person cares, leading to deeper regret if you wait too long.
6. Practice Self-Compassion for Mistakes
When you screw up, treat yourself with kindness rather than contempt. Normalizing the fact that you made a mistake and not beating yourself up over it is a crucial first step in learning from regret.
7. Reframe ‘Should Have’ to ‘What If’
Replace the regretful phrase ‘I should have…’ with ‘What if the next time I do…?’. This linguistic shift allows for grace while moving towards a mindset of learning from past experiences for future action.
8. Share Your Regrets Openly
Admitting your regrets to a confidant or writing them in a journal can make them more concrete and less fearsome, initiating a sense-making process that improves mental well-being and life satisfaction.
9. Extract Lessons from Regrets
After acknowledging and processing a regret, actively seek to understand what you learned from the experience and how to apply that lesson going forward. This sense-making process is key to transforming regret into a powerful, transformative emotion.
6 Key Quotes
I think that no regrets, the philosophy of no regrets, that you should never look backward, you should always look forward, never be negative, always be positive, is a profoundly bad idea. I think it is an unhealthy recipe for living.
Daniel Pink
What we have to do is actually use our regrets as information, as signal, as data. Not ignore them, not wallow in them, but use them to help clarify what we value and instruct us on how to live better.
Daniel Pink
To live in regret and change nothing else in your life is to miss the entire point.
Augusten Burroughs (quoted by Liz Fosslien)
If you pursue the path that brings you closer to your ideal self, you tend to be happier.
Dr. Laurie Santos
I do not want to experience that pain again, and I have learned my lesson that I will never, ever make that decision.
Liz Fosslien
If there's some past action that makes you cringe, fix it. Didn't take on that big challenge your ideal self was pushing for? Do it now.
Dr. Laurie Santos
1 Protocols
Dealing with Action Regrets
Valerie Burton (cited by Dr. Laurie Santos)- Admit what you've done.
- Assess the damage done.
- Apologize for your actions.
- Atone as best you can.