#127 Best of 2021: Conversations of the Year
This "best of 2021" episode features insights from 10 guests like Kat Cole, Chris Bosh, Adam Grant, and Jim Collins. They discuss decision-making, creativity, avoiding distraction, and fostering relationships to help listeners unlock their potential.
Deep Dive Analysis
10 Topic Outline
Kat Cole: The Power of Possible and Believing in People
Chris Bosh: Championship Mindset and Effective Coaching
Noreena Hertz: Understanding Loneliness in the Modern Age
Adam Grant: The Importance of Rethinking and Intellectual Humility
Thomas Zurbuchen: High-Stakes Decision-Making at NASA
Jane McGonigal: Benefits and Best Practices for Video Gaming
Nir Eyal: Mastering Distraction by Managing Internal Triggers
Seth Godin: Creativity as a Choice and Professionalism
Angela Duckworth: Cultivating Agency and Self-Efficacy
Jim Collins: The Trust Wager and Deep Relationships
8 Key Concepts
Pragmatic Optimist
A person who believes in the potential and possibilities of others, even when it comes with a small 'tax' of occasional disappointment. This mindset focuses on the high upside of seeing people for their best selves, rather than the low frequency of being let down.
Rethinking Cycle
A process that starts with intellectual humility, recognizing what you don't know, which leads to doubting convictions and curiosity. This openness to new discoveries fosters a continuous learning mindset, where new knowledge is seen as progress in a vast universe of learning.
Overconfidence Cycle
A detrimental loop where pride in one's knowledge leads to strong conviction, fueling confirmation bias (seeking confirming info) and desirability bias (seeking desired info). This validation reinforces pride, making one less open to rethinking and learning.
Traction vs. Distraction
Traction is any action pulling you towards what you intend to do, aligning with your values and desired self. Distraction is any action pulling you away from your plans, not done with intent, moving you away from your values. The key is intent, not the activity itself.
Time Management as Pain Management
The principle that the leading cause of distraction is not external triggers but internal emotional discomforts like boredom, uncertainty, fatigue, or anxiety. Effective time management requires addressing and managing these internal triggers rather than escaping them.
Quality Meets Spec
Quality is defined as meeting the specified requirements or 'spec' of a product or work, not necessarily being perfect or luxurious. Once something meets its defined spec, it is considered 'good enough' and ready to be shipped, encouraging clarity in definition over endless pursuit of perfection.
Self-Efficacy
The belief that you can achieve something if you try. This concept emphasizes an individual's agency over their behavior and performance, rather than magical control over all outcomes, focusing on what one can directly influence.
Trust Wager
An approach to relationships where one's 'opening bid' is to assume trust in others, granting them the full benefits of that trust. While trust can be lost, this initial stance is believed to attract the best people and encourage trustworthy behavior, despite the occasional cost of living.
10 Questions Answered
Being alone is a physical state, whereas feeling lonely involves a sense of powerlessness and lack of agency, a desire to feel connected to others, and a feeling of not being cared for or supported by those around you, including government or workplace.
Research suggests technology, particularly social media, is a net problem, making people feel more lonely and less empathetic. However, social robots and virtual assistants show promise in alleviating individual loneliness, though this raises societal concerns about human relationship investment.
People are hesitant to rethink ideas because it makes the world feel unpredictable and challenges their identity and status, as knowledge is often a source of pride and power. Many define themselves by their beliefs, making it uncomfortable to question them.
NASA makes these decisions by assembling the best, diverse experts (engineers, safety, policy) who don't report to each other, fostering scrutiny and open discussion. The ultimate decision-maker empowers the team, listens for unsaid concerns, and ensures they can explain the decision if something goes wrong, never pushing into a decision if unsure.
Parents should engage in conversation with their kids about the games they play, asking three key questions to understand the skills developed and challenges overcome. This helps kids transfer game benefits to real life, and generally, less than 21 hours of gaming per week is ideal for physical and mental health.
The leading cause of distraction is not external triggers like phones or apps, but internal triggers such as boredom, uncertainty, fatigue, or anxiety. Distraction is fundamentally an emotion regulation problem, an inability to deal with emotional discomfort.
To deal with discomfort, one must first understand that all human behavior is spurred by the desire to escape discomfort, even the pursuit of pleasure. Instead of blaming external factors or shaming oneself, one should claim responsibility for how they respond to uncomfortable emotional states, harnessing them as fuel for traction rather than distraction.
A professional makes and keeps promises, delivering work beautifully regardless of mood, and continuously learns to meet the state of the art. Amateurs, by contrast, are free to be authentic, show up when they want, and make what they want, often doing hobbies for themselves rather than for an external promise.
Parents can instill an agentic mindset by providing children with 'mastery experiences' – successes achieved after struggle and challenge. The key is to engineer challenges that are the right size for the child, allowing them to overcome obstacles and build confidence in their ability to act and influence their situation.
A great relationship is one where both individuals independently believe they benefit more from it. This occurs because both parties contribute to the relationship not for what they will get, but for what they can give, leading each to feel like the ultimate beneficiary.
54 Actionable Insights
1. Anchor Identity to Values
Define your identity by core values like generosity and integrity, rather than specific beliefs, to remain flexible and open to rethinking your methods and ideas.
2. Cultivate an Agentic Mindset
Adopt an active, agentic mindset, believing you have control over your behavior and performance, rather than passively letting life happen to you.
3. Prioritize Outcome Over Ego
Focus on achieving the best possible outcome by seeking out the best ideas, rather than letting personal ego dictate your approach or prevent you from changing your mind.
4. Master Internal Triggers
Understand that distraction primarily stems from internal triggers like boredom or anxiety, and effectively managing these emotional discomforts is key to time management.
5. Prioritize Relationships Over Transactions
Focus on cultivating deep, meaningful relationships rather than merely transactional interactions, as this approach leads to a more fulfilling and great life.
6. Lead with an Opening Bid of Trust
Begin new relationships with an assumption of trust, as this approach attracts high-quality individuals and often encourages them to act in trustworthy ways.
7. Embrace a ‘Figure It Out’ Mindset
Adopt the mindset that you can figure things out, even if you don’t initially know what you’re doing, to overcome challenges and grow.
8. Cultivate Intellectual Humility
Embrace intellectual humility by acknowledging what you don’t know, which fosters doubt in convictions, sparks curiosity, and opens your mind to continuous learning.
9. Harness Discomfort for Traction
View discomfort not as something to avoid, but as a powerful motivator to drive you towards intentional actions and progress, rather than seeking distraction.
10. Build Mastery Through Struggle
Develop confidence and a sense of agency by actively seeking and overcoming challenges, as true mastery comes from success achieved after struggle.
11. Choose Creativity Through Empathy
Embrace creativity as a choice by investing emotional labor to deeply understand and serve your audience, daring to create something new even if its success is uncertain.
12. Scrutinize Irreversible Decisions
For irreversible, ‘one-way door’ decisions, assemble diverse experts, empower the team, and conduct exhaustive scrutiny upfront to ensure a well-informed choice.
13. Define and Meet Work Specifications
Clearly define the specifications (‘spec’) for your work; quality means meeting this spec, and once it’s ‘good enough’ (meets spec), ship it, or revise the spec if needed.
14. Control Your Response to Feelings
Recognize that while you cannot control your feelings or urges, you can control your response to them; choose healthy actions that move you towards your goals.
15. Modify Your Situation for Goals
Actively change your environment and situation to support your goals and self-control, rather than solely relying on willpower (e.g., remove distractions from your study space).
16. Define Conditions for Rethinking
When forming an opinion, create a list of specific conditions that would cause you to change your mind, preventing you from clinging to beliefs that no longer serve you.
17. Welcome Worries from Team
As a leader, foster an environment where your team feels comfortable bringing you worries and risks, as this transparency is crucial for effective problem-solving and decision-making.
18. Believe in Others’ Potential
See people for their potential and possibilities, as they are more likely to live up to it, and the occasional disappointment is a small price for the overall upside.
19. Practice Customer Service Judo
When dealing with difficult customers or situations, use their energy in a ‘giving way’ rather than fighting, to disarm them and resolve the issue creatively.
20. Prioritize Dependability
Ensure you show up on time and are dependable, as it is crucial for receiving more opportunities and not negatively impacting your team.
21. Embrace Tough Situations
When facing difficult moments, refuse to quit and instead increase your effort, as this attitude is a key differentiator for championship teams.
22. Acknowledge Loss, Aim for Win
Recognize that a loss is simply a loss, take lessons from it, and cultivate an attitude that focuses on going for the win in future endeavors.
23. Qualities of an Effective Coach
To be an effective coach, be prepared with a game plan but flexible enough to deviate, connect and communicate effectively with all team members, and ensure everyone is aligned.
24. Reduce Social Media Use
Consider reducing time on social media platforms like Facebook, as studies suggest it can decrease loneliness and increase in-person interactions and happiness.
25. Be Present, Limit Device Presence
When with others, be fully present and limit the physical presence of devices, as even a turned-off smartphone can reduce empathy and connection.
26. Redefine Support Networks
Redefine your support networks to value friendships as much as blood ties, and actively invest time and effort into nurturing these relationships.
27. Prioritize and Nurture Friendships
Make a conscious effort to prioritize and invest time in nurturing your friendships, as these relationships require consistent care to thrive.
28. Talk Openly About Loneliness
Engage in open conversations about loneliness to help destigmatize it, as acknowledging it is a crucial step towards addressing its widespread impact.
29. Voice Opinions Responsibly
If you choose to voice an opinion, accept the responsibility to be open to changing your mind when presented with better logic or stronger data.
30. Justify Decisions in Hindsight
Before making a significant decision, mentally prepare to explain it in a worst-case scenario (e.g., after a failure), ensuring your reasoning is sound and defensible.
31. Listen for Unspoken Cues
In high-stakes decision-making, pay close attention to what is not being said, as well as warning signs like leaders suppressing dissent or recurring ‘stupid’ mistakes.
32. Avoid Rushing Key Decisions
If you feel unsure about a critical decision, take a break to gain clarity and do not allow yourself to be pushed into a choice, even if it means delaying the process.
33. Disseminate Decision-Making Process
Actively share your decision-making process with your team by explaining your reasoning and the scrutiny involved, fostering rigor and shared understanding within the organization.
34. Leverage Games for Life Skills
Recognize that playing any game you enjoy can build transferable skills like learning new things, adapting to challenges, and fostering a resilient growth mindset.
35. Ask 3 Game Reflection Questions
To transfer game benefits to real life, ask yourself or your kids: ‘What does it take to be good at this game?’, ‘What have you gotten better at?’, and ‘What’s the hardest thing you’ve accomplished?’
36. Limit Gaming to Under 21 Hours/Week
Be mindful of gaming time, as playing more than 21 hours per week has been observed as a tipping point where it can negatively affect physical or mental health.
37. Game Before Study for Retention
To enhance learning retention, play video games before doing homework or studying, ensuring your brain focuses on academic material rather than game challenges before sleep.
38. Game Before Bed for Trauma
If experiencing flashbacks, rumination, or nightmares, play a visually engaging game (like Tetris) right before bed to hijack your attention and reduce negative thoughts or dreams.
39. Curate Games for Specific Benefits
Intentionally choose and play games that offer specific benefits, such as managing anxiety or improving focus, to create a personalized ‘game library’ for different needs.
40. Distinguish Traction from Distraction
Clearly define traction as intentional actions aligned with your goals, and distraction as actions pulling you away from your plans, recognizing that any activity can be either based on intent.
41. Schedule ‘Wasted’ Time
Intentionally schedule time for activities often considered ‘wasted,’ like social media or video games, as planned leisure becomes traction rather than unplanned distraction.
42. Overcome Fear of Short-Term Folly
Be willing to appear foolish or make mistakes in the short term, as overcoming this fear is crucial for achieving significant long-term success.
43. Trust Your Intuitive Voice
Employ techniques like morning pages to quiet your inner critic and allow your more curious, intuitive self to express ideas, even if they seem unconventional.
44. Love What You Do (Be Professional)
Approach your work professionally by making and keeping promises, continuously learning the state of the art, and focusing on the specific positive change you aim to create for others.
45. Adopt a Work ‘Uniform’
Use a physical or mental ‘uniform’ to signal the start of your work, helping you to focus, meet deadlines, and adhere to budgets, much like a professional.
46. Avoid Perfectionism, Ship When Ready
Resist the urge to hide behind perfectionism; instead, define clear specifications for your work and ship it once those are met, valuing timely completion over unattainable flawlessness.
47. Work with Clear Intent
Approach your work with clear intent, dedicating specific time and focus to solve problems or generate ideas, even if the breakthrough seems spontaneous.
48. Focus on Controllable Actions
Direct your energy and attention towards the aspects of your life and behavior that you can directly control, rather than external outcomes.
49. Control Your Reaction to Events
Recognize that you have a degree of control over your reaction to challenging or uncontrollable events, and take responsibility for that response.
50. Seek Mentors for Challenge Setting
Actively seek out mentors or coaches who can provide an objective perspective and help you identify and set appropriately sized challenges for your growth.
51. Give More in Relationships
Approach relationships with a mindset of giving more than you take, which allows both parties to feel they benefit most and strengthens the connection.
52. Trust, But Avoid Catastrophe
While maintaining an opening bid of trust, remain vigilant and avoid leaving yourself exposed to catastrophic risks, such as neglecting critical oversight.
53. Forgive Non-Malicious Actions
Practice forgiveness for actions that are not driven by malicious intent, understanding that mistakes, misunderstandings, or incompetence can cause issues.
54. See the Hat (Contextualize Actions)
Before making judgments about someone’s actions, consider that you might not have the full context or ‘see the hat,’ leading to more understanding and less premature negative conclusions.
7 Key Quotes
I really do believe humans are mostly magic, and that that we are all just unfinished finished magic. And we're more likely to be the fullest extent of our magic if other people see us that way first.
Kat Cole
When the tough get going, going, get tough. Boom. There you go. Take that with you. I gave that to you for free. Take heed to that one, man.
Chris Bosh
If you're willing to voice an opinion, you should also be willing to change that opinion.
Adam Grant
Don't make me laugh. Don't make me feel good. Make me feel scared and then make me feel comfortable because you're dealing with all the risks. Don't come and say it's all low risk. It is not low risk. It's rocket science.
Thomas Zurbuchen
The leading cause of distraction and research bears this out. The leading cause of distraction is not what we call external triggers. It's not the stuff outside of us, but rather distraction begins from within what we call the internal triggers.
Nir Eyal
I have this theory that one of the biggest things that holds us back in life is that we're unwilling to look like an idiot in the short term to be successful in the long term.
Seth Godin
The very, very best people will respond to the bid of trust. The best people will be attracted to that. And you want the best people to be attracted.
Jim Collins
6 Protocols
Three Questions for Parents About Kids' Video Games
Jane McGonigal- Ask your child: 'What does it take to be good at this game? What skills or temperament does it require?'
- Ask your child: 'What have you gotten better at since you started playing this game?'
- Ask your child: 'What's the hardest thing you've accomplished in this game? Tell me how you did it.'
Optimizing Study and Gaming Order for Retention
Jane McGonigal- Play video games first.
- Do homework or study immediately after gaming.
- Study before going to sleep.
Using Gaming to Combat Traumatic Flashbacks or Rumination
Jane McGonigal- Play a very visual, attention-grabbing game (like Tetris) right before bed.
- Allow the game to hijack your attention and visual centers, making it less likely for negative thoughts, nightmares, or flashbacks to occur.
The Rethinking Cycle
Adam Grant- Start with intellectual humility, acknowledging what you don't know.
- Allow this awareness of ignorance to lead to doubting your convictions.
- Cultivate curiosity about what you don't know.
- Embrace new discoveries as progress, not as a sign of becoming an expert, fostering a continuous desire to learn more.
Super Forecaster's Practice for Updating Views
Adam Grant- Form a tentative opinion.
- Make a list of the specific conditions under which you would change your mind regarding that opinion.
Situation Modification for Self-Control
Angela Duckworth- Identify situations where you consistently struggle with self-control (e.g., getting into arguments, being distracted while studying).
- Intentionally modify your physical or social environment to remove temptations or triggers (e.g., sit at a different table, put your phone in another room, study in a quiet place).
- Recognize that your situation is not fixed but can be agentically changed to support your goals.