#130 Diana Chapman: Trusting Your Instincts
Diana Chapman, co-founder of The Conscious Leadership Group, discusses how to navigate the drama triangle (victim, villain, hero) by embracing discomfort and moving from threat to trust. She shares insights on self-awareness, whole-body decision-making, and fostering candor for better relationships and leadership.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Embracing Discomfort and Vulnerability
Effective Feedback and Valuing Workplace Messiness
Understanding 'To Me' vs. 'By Me' Leadership
The Drama Triangle: Victim, Villain, and Hero Roles
Making Invisible Patterns Visible and Overcoming Reactivity
The Power of Breathing and Self-Empowerment
Integrating IQ, EQ, and BQ for Peak Performance
Breaking Cognitive-Emotive Loops and Processing Feelings
The 'Whole Body Yes' for Aligned Decision-Making
Overcoming the 'Upper Limits Problem' to Embrace More Good
Cultivating Exquisite Relationships and a 'Steak' Sex Life
Intensity, Consistency, and Making Good Team Decisions
Developing Self-Awareness Through Persona Work
Managing Stress and Raising Performance Standards
Lovingly Challenging Stories and Beliefs
Defining Success and Living a Meaningful Life
10 Key Concepts
'To Me' vs. 'By Me' Leadership
'To me' leadership is a mindset where one feels affected by external circumstances, becoming a victim and not taking ultimate creatorship of their experience. 'By me' leadership recognizes that one's own emotional, physical, and mental states are created by oneself, allowing for greater creativity and responsibility.
Drama Triangle
A model describing common reactive relationship patterns, consisting of three roles: Victim, Villain, and Hero. These roles are adopted to protect vulnerability and avoid discomfort, often leading to repeating cycles of reactivity and preventing genuine learning or growth.
Victim (Drama Triangle)
A role characterized by a sense of disempowerment, taking less than 100% responsibility, and feeling at the effect of circumstances, often expressed with a sense of complaint or whine.
Villain (Drama Triangle)
A role focused on blaming, either oneself (inner critic) or others, constantly seeking to identify whose fault something is or how things 'should' or 'shouldn't' be.
Hero (Drama Triangle)
A role that seeks to provide temporary relief to others, often by enabling victims, without addressing the core issues. This role is often culturally applauded but requires others to remain disempowered to maintain the hero's position.
IQ, EQ, BQ (Three Centers of Intelligence)
A theory suggesting humans have intellectual (IQ), emotional (EQ), and body/instinctual (BQ) intelligences. Different people may lead with one, but accessing and honoring all three centers equally is believed to lead to more effective decision-making and peak performance.
Cognitive-Emotive Loop
A self-perpetuating cycle where a suppressed emotion leads to a story the mind creates and wants to be 'right' about. This story then reactivates the feeling, causing a continuous loop of upset or sadness.
Whole Body Yes
A decision-making framework where an individual considers an option using all three centers of intelligence (IQ, EQ, BQ). If there isn't a clear 'yes' from the head, heart, and gut, then the answer is considered a 'no'.
Upper Limits Problem
A concept describing how individuals unconsciously limit their capacity for happiness, connection, and success. This limit is often set by past experiences or family patterns, preventing them from experiencing life as 'exquisite' as it could be.
Persona Work (Parts Work)
A self-awareness practice that views the individual as a 'village' of different internal characters or parts, each with unique agendas, strategies, and superpowers. The goal is to acknowledge, integrate, and 'play with' these parts rather than suppress them, allowing for full self-expression and response to life's moments.
17 Questions Answered
By first noticing physical sensations, welcoming them without judgment, and allowing them to move through the body completely, rather than distracting or numbing them.
Recognize that feedback often reveals more about the giver, be open to the opposite of your feedback being true, and hold the feedback lightly rather than righteously defending it.
'To me' leadership views external circumstances as affecting oneself, leading to victimhood, while 'by me' leadership acknowledges personal responsibility for one's own experiences and emotional states.
The three roles are Victim (disempowered), Villain (blaming), and Hero (seeking temporary relief). They limit us by being reactive defense mechanisms that prevent genuine learning and perpetuate repeating patterns of drama.
By physically stepping onto 'drama triangle' bases, exaggerating the roles in a playful way, and openly discussing the underlying fears and reactivity.
Taking deep breaths helps relax the body, open contractions, increase presence, and reminds one of their own empowerment, as breathing is one of the few automatic bodily functions that can also be consciously controlled.
IQ (intellectual), EQ (emotional), and BQ (body/instinctual) are intelligence centers. Leaders who can access and honor all three, even if they lead with one, are more able to make effective decisions and achieve peak performance.
By dropping beneath the story and focusing solely on the physical sensations in the body, allowing those sensations to process and move through completely, rather than getting caught in the mind's narrative.
By honoring the diversity of intelligences within a team or oneself, listening to data, emotional cues, and body instincts, and being willing to bow to the intelligence that has a better track record in a given area.
A 'Whole Body Yes' is when one's intellectual, emotional, and body intelligences all align in agreement for a path forward. It should be used for all decisions, starting with small ones to build the 'muscle,' and only after ensuring one is not in a reactive state.
Identify the ceiling by noticing when life feels 'too good' or 'pretty great,' as these are edges of one's capacity for happiness. Overcome by integrating these good feelings through simple, grounding activities, allowing the nervous system to settle and expand its capacity over time.
By creating a psychological environment of surrender (e.g., no interruptions, enough time), engaging in honest communication and feedback about preferences, healing any past sexual trauma, and being willing to be vulnerable and uncomfortable.
By practicing radical candor, openly sharing 'stories' they make up about each other (using a 'fact and story' framework), and being willing to challenge each other's perspectives, even by arguing the opposing side.
By engaging in 'persona work' or 'parts work,' which involves identifying, naming, and accepting all internal characters or 'parts' (even disliked ones) and understanding their value, rather than suppressing them.
To recognize that stress often means one is just scared and perceiving a threat to security, control, or approval because they've left presence. The key is to return to the present moment and take a breath.
By consistently cultivating presence through various tools (e.g., daily consciousness 'gym,' meditation, being with discomfort), as a non-triggered, non-reactive state leads to greater effectiveness and allows for higher standards.
For oneself, by adopting a 'sacred law' to pause and seek how the opposite perspective could be true whenever wanting to be 'right.' For others (with co-commitment), by demonstrating curiosity or asking them to argue the other side.
72 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Comfort with Discomfort
Consciously choose to be comfortable with uncomfortable feelings and situations, as resisting discomfort can lead to creating a world that forces it upon you.
2. Embrace “I Don’t Know”
Become comfortable with the state of “I don’t know,” as resisting it leads to defense mechanisms and prevents learning.
3. Let Go of Righteousness
Consciously let go of the need to be “right” from a defensive, righteous point of view, as this allows for more vulnerability and openness.
4. Practice “By Me” Leadership
Recognize that your emotional, physical, and mental states are happening “by you,” making you the creator of your experience rather than a victim of external circumstances.
5. Prioritize Outcome Over Ego
Shift your focus from proving yourself right to achieving the best possible outcome, recognizing that ego can hinder effective decision-making and collaboration.
6. “Rather Learn Than Be Right”
Adopt the mantra “I’d rather learn than be right” to foster curiosity and openness, preventing missed opportunities for growth that arise from a need to prove oneself correct.
7. Make the Invisible Visible
Consciously work to make invisible thoughts, feelings, and stories visible, as this fosters a friendlier environment, allows for action, and promotes growth.
8. Practice Persona/Parts Work
Cultivate self-awareness by identifying, naming, and “playing” with your internal “parts” or “personas,” allowing all of them to be present and integrated rather than suppressed, so they don’t unconsciously control you.
9. Accept All Parts of Self
Accept and make space for all parts of yourself, even those you dislike (e.g., “the bitch”), recognizing their potential gifts and learning to consciously “play” them rather than being unconsciously run by their reactivity.
10. Love Self to Love Others
Cultivate self-love for all your internal parts, recognizing that you are “just like” others in your own way, which fosters curiosity, openness, and better collaborative decision-making.
11. Return to Presence Under Stress
When under stress, recognize you’re perceiving a threat and have left presence; return to the “right now” by sourcing approval, control, and security internally, taking a breath, and accepting any fear.
12. Cultivate Presence with Tools
To enhance effectiveness, cultivate presence by regularly using tools (e.g., phone reminders, meditation, body awareness) to bring yourself back to a non-triggered, non-reactive state in the present moment, treating it like a “gym for consciousness.”
13. Aim for Exquisite, Not Just Good
Raise your standards by discerningly saying no to merely “good” opportunities to create space for “exquisite” ones that are more aligned, purposeful, and impactful.
14. Address Upper Limits Problem
Identify and address your “upper limits problem,” which is the unconscious tendency to cap how good your life, relationships, or work can be, often based on early life experiences.
15. Integrate Positive Experiences
When you hit an upper limit (feeling life is “too good”), engage in simple, grounding activities (e.g., sweeping, watching a movie, taking a bath) to integrate the positive experience and allow your nervous system to settle into a new level of happiness.
16. Allow Happiness Without Apology
Overcome unconscious patterns that make you scared to be happy or feel you don’t deserve it; learn to let life be good without apologizing, feeling bad, or worrying about future negative events.
17. Recognize Your Creative Role
Identify how you are actively creating the undesired patterns in your life (e.g., “bad sex”) by holding limiting beliefs or withholding preferences, and recognize that you have the power to change them.
18. Face Pattern Costs
To catalyze change, be willing to face and fully feel the discomfort and cost of the patterns you are currently in.
19. Process Discomfort: Notice & Welcome
When experiencing discomfort, first notice the physical sensations in your body, then welcome them without judgment, allowing them to move through you completely.
20. Avoid Numbing Discomfort
Instead of distracting or numbing out uncomfortable feelings, stay present with them to allow the intelligence they carry to move through you.
21. Label Sensations, Not Feelings
Avoid labeling bodily sensations as good, bad, pleasurable, or uncomfortable; instead, simply name them as what’s actually occurring as a sensation to prevent contraction.
22. Use Breath for Empowerment
Utilize deep breathing to relax the body, regain a sense of personal power, and enhance awareness, which helps you push through vulnerable edges.
23. Embrace Emotions for Release
Embrace and fully feel emotions like anger rather than suppressing them, as suppression can lead to unpredictable, longer-lasting, and more difficult expressions later.
24. Return to Sensations
To break cognitive-emotive loops, drop beneath the story and focus on the raw bodily sensations, allowing the body to process and express them fully.
25. Welcome and Explore Anger
Create an environment where anger is welcomed and explored, allowing its expression (e.g., through sound) rather than suppressing it, which validates its unwelcomeness.
26. Break Cognitive-Emotive Loops
Recognize when suppressed emotions combine with a “righteous” story to create a looping pattern of thought and feeling, leading to prolonged upset.
27. Identify Drama Triangle Roles
Learn to recognize the three roles of the drama triangle (victim, villain, hero) in yourself and others to understand and shift away from reactive patterns and temporary fixes.
28. Exaggerate Drama for Release
When stuck in drama, exaggerate and play out the victim, villain, and hero roles (e.g., bitch, moan, complain) to release the energy and then consciously choose to move off the triangle to learn and co-create new solutions.
29. Accept Your State of Threat
Recognize and accept that being in the drama triangle means you are in a state of threat (to security, control, or approval), as accepting this is the first step to shifting your behavior.
30. Ask Willingness Questions
To shift from a state of threat to trust, ask yourself and others “willingness questions” such as: Am I willing to stop blaming? Am I willing to stop being righteous? Am I willing to feel my feelings and let others feel theirs? Am I willing to truly listen and be candid? Am I willing to recognize my part in broken agreements?
31. Cultivate Openness for Learning
By being willing to shift from threat to trust, you enter an open state of mind, emotion, and body, activating your IQ, EQ, and BQ, making you more available for learning and new solutions.
32. Leverage Diverse Intelligences
In team settings, honor and leverage the diverse intellectual, emotional, and body intelligences of each member to arrive at more comprehensive and agreed-upon next steps.
33. Access All Three Intelligences
Strive to access and honor all three centers of intelligence (intellectual, emotional, and body/instinctual), even if you lead with one, to make more effective decisions.
34. Trust Body’s Intuition
When your intellectual data conflicts with a strong bodily sense or intuition, learn to trust your body’s knowing, as it can often be more accurate.
35. Decide Loosely, Stay Open
Make the best choices based on your knowledge and intelligences, but hold those decisions loosely, remaining open to new information or perspectives that could challenge your current understanding.
36. Earn Opinions by Understanding Opposites
Before forming an opinion, do the work to understand the opposing argument better than those who hold it, ensuring your opinions are well-earned and considered.
37. Argue the Opposing Side
To challenge stories and beliefs, directly ask someone (or yourself) to argue the opposing side of an issue, as if their life depended on it, to uncover new learning and perspectives.
38. Physical “Argue Other Side”
For teams divided on a decision, have them physically move to the opposing side of the room and argue that perspective, fostering understanding and new insights.
39. Model Curiosity to Challenge Righteousness
In co-committed relationships, when someone is being righteous, gently model curiosity by wondering aloud how the opposite perspective might also be true, becoming the presence that invites their openness.
40. Apply “Sacred Law” Against Righteousness
Create a “sacred law” for yourself: whenever you catch yourself wanting to be “right,” immediately pause and force yourself to consider how the opposite or another perspective could be equally true, fostering curiosity and openness.
41. Avoid Righteous Activism
Do not attempt to make change from a righteous opinion, as this approach is counterproductive and will only perpetuate the existing issue rather than resolve it.
42. Go Deeper Than Superficial Changes
Recognize when changes are merely superficial “deck chair moving” that perpetuate old patterns; instead, drop deeper into vulnerability (e.g., “I’m scared,” “I don’t know”) to find new starting points.
43. Share “Stories We Make Up”
Encourage teams to share the “stories we make up in our heads” about each other, asking “how is it true?” to uncover valuable feedback and improve decision-making.
44. Use “Fact and Story”
Practice “fact and story” by stating a factual observation followed by “here’s a story I make up about that,” which allows for candid feedback while reducing defensiveness.
45. Prioritize Presence for Team Success
Recognize that in an increasingly chaotic and unpredictable world, teams that prioritize and cultivate presence will be more effective and successful.
46. Recognize Feedback Reflects the Giver
When giving or receiving feedback, recognize that it often reveals more about the giver’s own beliefs or unacknowledged traits than it does about the receiver.
47. Hold Feedback Lightly
Before giving feedback, consider if the opposite of your feedback could be equally true, allowing you to hold your feedback lightly and make it more receptive.
48. Embrace Workplace Messiness
Value and allow for messiness and tension in the workplace, as trying to be too neat and avoid offense often suppresses growth and learning.
49. Grant Patience for Learning
Extend more patience and support to others when they “fall down” or make mistakes, recognizing that they are learning and growing, while still holding them accountable for their work.
50. Prioritize “Does It Work?”
When evaluating ideas or situations, shift focus from whose truth is “right” to whether the approach or solution actually works.
51. Adopt What Works
When presented with ideas or advice, selectively take what works for you and ignore the rest, rather than trying to apply everything universally.
52. Own Your Emotional Response
Take ultimate responsibility for whether you allow yourself to be upset, recognizing that you have decision rights over your own emotional state, even if others create challenging conditions.
53. Utilize Presence Tools
Employ tools like meditation and other skills to build awareness and stay present, especially in challenging situations, to avoid being easily upset.
54. Utilize Drama Triangle Tool
Employ the drama triangle (victim, villain, hero) as a daily tool for self-awareness and understanding relationship dynamics.
55. Recognize Reactive Drama
Understand that drama is characterized by repeating patterns of reactivity, which prevents reasoning and genuine response.
56. Learn Through Play
Approach challenging situations and learning with a sense of playfulness rather than seriousness, as seriousness can shut down awareness and hinder learning.
57. Grieve to Embrace Present
Allow space for grieving past expectations or losses to fully let go, which enables you to be present with and appreciate the current reality.
58. Create Space for Collective Grief
In teams or groups, intentionally create space for collective grieving of losses or changes to process emotions effectively, preventing wasted energy on gossip or indirect expressions.
59. Give Yourself a Break
Recognize that doing your best and letting go of the need to be righteous is more relaxing, improves sleep, and allows you to give yourself a break.
60. Regularly Prune Your Life
Regularly cut back “dead wood” or things that are merely “good” in your life, similar to pruning fruit trees, to allow for more flourishing, strength, and new growth.
61. Recognize Upper Limit Indicators
Pay attention to feelings of “this is too good” or patterns like frequent arguments after periods of closeness (e.g., Friday/Sunday nights for couples), as these indicate you’re hitting an upper limit.
62. Take Responsibility for Influence
Define yourself as a leader by taking responsibility for your influence in all areas of your life, including home, work, and relationships.
63. Cultivate Open Sex Conversations
Be willing to have uncomfortable, vulnerable, and raw conversations with your partner about sexual preferences and desires to cultivate a more fulfilling sex life.
64. Create Conditions for Surrender
For deeper intimacy, especially for the “receiver” partner, create a physical and psychological environment that allows for relaxation and surrender (e.g., ensuring privacy, time, and freedom from interruption).
65. Co-Commit to Honest Feedback
In relationships, establish a co-commitment to giving and receiving honest feedback, ensuring both partners are willing to hear and learn from each other.
66. Heal Old Traumas
Address and heal old traumas, especially sexual trauma, through therapy or other means, as unaddressed trauma will continue to affect relationships and intimacy.
67. Empathize: “What Would Be True?”
When observing behavior you dislike in others, ask yourself, “What would have to be true for me to behave that way?” to foster empathy and understand underlying motivations.
68. Be Present to Internal Parts
Be present and aware of your internal parts or personas, as ignoring them will cause them to play out unconsciously, leading to unintended negative consequences.
69. Avoid Consistent Intensity
Recognize that consistent intensity is unsustainable and a direct path to burnout; instead, allow for varied states of aliveness, including stillness.
70. Build “Whole Body Yes” Muscle
Develop the “whole body yes” muscle by practicing it with small, everyday choices (e.g., menu, route home) to recognize your internal signature for yes/no, then apply it to bigger decisions.
71. Check “Whole Body Yes” from Trust
Before relying on a “whole body yes,” ensure you are in a state of trust, not reactivity, to get an accurate read on your intuition.
72. Practice “Whole Body Yes”
When making decisions, consider options with your full intellectual, emotional, and body intelligence; if there isn’t a “check, check, check” across all three, it’s a “no.”
10 Key Quotes
If I were to let go of being right from that righteous point of view, which is like a right that defends itself, what's underneath that is a lot more vulnerability.
Diana Chapman
Feedback, first of all, is always telling us about the giver more than the receiver of the feedback.
Diana Chapman
The neater we try to get, the less growth we actually get to experience most of the time.
Diana Chapman
The ultimate question is not whether this is my truth versus your truth or how I see the situation versus how you see the situation. It's more like, does it work?
Shane Parrish
My sense is because in those three roles, what you get is drama. Nah, nah, nah. You get recycling patterns where people are reactive. And so that's, that's a definition for drama is, you know, repeating patterns of reactivity.
Diana Chapman
I'd rather learn than be right.
Diana Chapman
When my body disagrees with the data, it's usually my body that's right. And the data that's wrong.
Shane Parrish
Anything other than a whole body. Yes is a no.
Diana Chapman
I don't think intensity, I don't think anyone can be consistently intense.
Diana Chapman
I never allow myself to have an opinion on anything that I don't know the other side's argument better than they do.
Shane Parrish
6 Protocols
Process for Being with Discomfort
Diana Chapman- First, notice what's actually happening in the body (e.g., swirling belly, clenching, narrowing).
- Second, welcome all of that, letting it be here as much as it is and not making that a problem.
- Allow the welcoming of it to help it move all the way through so it can go wherever it needs to go, enabling presence in the moment.
Shifting from Drama Triangle to Trust
Diana Chapman- Recognize you are in a reactive place in the drama triangle because you are scared and feel threatened (security, control, or approval).
- Accept that you are scared; acknowledge the inner child or part that feels threatened.
- Ask yourself (and others, if co-committed) willingness questions: 'Would I be willing to stop blaming anybody?', 'Would I be willing to stop being righteous?', 'Would I be willing to feel my feelings and let others feel theirs?', 'Would I be willing to really listen to the other side?', 'Would I be willing to be honest?', 'Would I be willing to recognize likely there's been some broken agreements here and how have I been a part of that?'.
- If willing, you enter a more open state (IQ, EQ, BQ turned on), available for learning and new solutions.
Breaking Out of a Cognitive-Emotive Loop
Diana Chapman- Drop back down to underneath your story.
- Focus on just the sensations happening in the body.
- Let the body process itself all the way through (move, sound, express) to completion.
Team Decision-Making: Fact and Story Practice
Diana Chapman- Select a team member.
- State a fact about that person or a situation.
- Share a story you make up about that fact, holding the story with curiosity (e.g., 'I make up a story that...').
- Repeat, with each person picking a new team member, for several rounds.
Overcoming the Upper Limits Problem
Diana Chapman- Pay attention to moments when you start to feel 'wow, this is pretty great' or 'can you believe this is happening,' as these indicate you're on your edge of handling good.
- In those moments, integrate the experience by doing simple, grounding activities like sweeping floors, watching a silly movie, or taking a bath.
- Allow the nervous system to recognize and settle into the feeling that life can be this good and connected.
- Continue this practice over time to gradually grow the nervous system's capacity for happiness and exquisite experiences.
Cultivating a 'Steak' Sex Life
Diana Chapman- Create a physical and psychological environment that allows for surrender, especially for the receiver (e.g., ensuring kids are fine, no interruptions, sufficient time).
- Engage in open and honest conversations with your partner, making a co-commitment to give and receive feedback about preferences and desires.
- Address and heal any old sexual trauma, as these can affect the relationship if not dealt with.
- Be willing to get uncomfortable and vulnerable by telling each other what's true, including dislikes and fears, to foster deeper intimacy.