#27 Chris Voss: The Art of Letting Other People Have Your Way
Negotiation expert Chris Voss, former FBI lead international kidnapping negotiator, shares high-stakes negotiation skills. He covers emotional intelligence, letting others speak first, avoiding BATNA, and using specific communication tactics like labels and "no-oriented" questions for better outcomes.
Deep Dive Analysis
23 Topic Outline
Accidental Path to FBI Hostage Negotiation
Learning from a Suicide Hotline and Performance Review
Surprising Realities of Negotiation: Letting the Other Side Go First
Techniques for Emotional Control in Negotiation
Three Types of Voices in Negotiation: Assertive, FM DJ, Accommodator
Preparing for Negotiation: Curiosity and Collaboration
Critique of BATNA and Other Bad Negotiation Recommendations
The Negotiation One Sheet: Summary of Facts and Addressing Fears
Using Accusations Audit and Labels to Clear Baggage
Calibrated Questions and Unlocking Truth-Telling
Prospect Theory and the Fear of Loss as a Driver
Navigating Fears of Failure and Being a New Company
Money's Role and Goal Setting in Negotiation
Recognizing and Navigating Negotiations You Don't Know You're In
Proactive Listening and Empathy to Save Time
The Power of Deference in Influence
Universal Negotiation Skills: Labels and No-Oriented Questions
Negotiating with Kids: Labels, Mirrors, and Persistence
Compromise in Relationships and its Downsides
Valuable Fields Outside Negotiation: The Flow State
Recovering from Lost Flow and Mental Resets
Determining Trust and Learning from Failure
Smallest Habit for Biggest Difference
8 Key Concepts
Seek First to Understand
This principle, often seen as warm and fuzzy, is described as a mercenary's tool. By allowing the other side to go first and genuinely seeking to understand their perspective, negotiations can conclude faster and more effectively, as it provides crucial information and avoids unnecessary conflict.
Taking Yourself Hostage
This occurs when your own ego or preconceived notions, such as the fear of the other side anchoring first, prevent you from pursuing the best negotiation strategy. It implies that if your position or ego is weak, you might be afraid to let the other side lead, thereby limiting your potential outcomes.
Genuine Curiosity as a Hack
Being genuinely curious about the other person's motivations, even if they seem irrational, acts as an instant hack for emotional control. This focus on understanding the other's emotions creates a compartmentalization that prevents one's own negativity from interfering with the negotiation process.
Late Night FM DJ Voice
One of three voice types, this is a calm, soothing, and slow tone used to de-escalate situations and calm the other party. It's associated with the 'flight' response to threat, aiming to create safety and distance from conflict, and can also calm oneself by hearing the voice internally.
BATNA (Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement)
An intellectually sound but practically problematic idea from 'Getting to Yes.' It suggests considering your worst-case alternative. However, in practice, it often becomes a low goal, leading people to settle for less than optimal outcomes, or it paralyzes negotiators who believe they have no BATNA.
WATNA (Worst Alternative to Negotiated Agreement)
A concept proposed by a colleague to highlight the emotional pitfalls of BATNA. It emphasizes that focusing on the worst alternative can create a negative mindset and emotional handicaps, making it harder to achieve a better deal.
Prospect Theory
A Nobel Prize-winning psychological theory stating that the fear of loss is a significantly stronger driver of human behavior than the desire for an equivalent gain. Hostage negotiation techniques, which historically looked for the 'loss' driving bad behavior, align with this universal human hardwiring.
Flow State
A mental state where pattern recognition and decision-making are at their peak, mental endurance increases, and overall performance is much better, often bordering on euphoria. It's a highly positive frame of mind that can be intentionally triggered to enhance performance in business and negotiation.
13 Questions Answered
The most surprising aspect is the power of letting the other side go first. This counterintuitive approach actually saves time by providing crucial information, preventing wasted effort, and avoiding arguments, leading to faster and more effective outcomes.
The only downside is if you 'take yourself hostage' due to a weak ego or position, fearing that their anchor will change your expectations. Otherwise, letting them go first provides valuable information you wouldn't have, allowing you to operate with more insight.
One way is to genuinely focus on the emotions driving the other person, which creates an instant compartmentalization of your own negativity. Another hack is to intentionally use a soothing, calming tone of voice, as hearing your own calm voice can trigger mirror neurons and calm you down.
BATNA is problematic because it often becomes a low goal, causing negotiators to settle for less than they could achieve. If you believe you *must* have a BATNA, it can also make you feel powerless if you perceive you don't have a good alternative, essentially taking yourself hostage.
One bad recommendation is to always 'anchor high' by going first with an extreme offer. This can interfere with collaboration, define the scenario as win-lose, and risk leaving money on the table if the other side was willing to offer more.
No, money is not always the primary motive. While a good goal is important, overpaying can be as problematic as underpaying, as it can lead to complacency. Meaningful work, involvement in critical projects, and professional growth are often stronger motivators than just salary.
You're in a negotiation anytime the word 'yes' is in the air, or if the phrase 'I want' is in your brain. Even seemingly simple interactions, like placing an order, involve negotiation because the other person can influence outcomes like speed or quality based on how they are treated.
Practice proactive listening, specifically listening for negatives and the other side's fear of loss. Having specific tools to address these emotional triggers allows for faster de-escalation and problem-solving. Empathy, used strategically, saves time by rooting out problems earlier and encouraging the other side to share more.
Empathy works in any situation involving people, regardless of their emotional range. Even individuals with a limited emotional spectrum, like sociopaths, are still driven by self-interest and loss aversion. The key is to adapt the tools to figure out what emotions or drivers are at play for that specific individual.
Deference is showing respect or submission, even when not required. It's a powerful tool for 360 degrees of influence because people love it when someone doesn't have to be deferential but chooses to be. It makes superiors feel entitled, peers feel respected, and subordinates feel appreciated, fostering positive relationships.
Parents can use 'labels' (e.g., 'It seems like you think you don't have to earn that privilege') to encourage their children's thinking and engagement. 'Mirroring' (repeating the last one to three words) can also prompt children to rearticulate their thoughts, leading to deeper understanding and problem-solving.
Compromise is often a bad idea because it leads to 'half measures' that destroy everyone's original idea, rather than finding the best course of action. It can result in wasted resources and dissatisfaction, as seen in examples like merging companies making poor decisions to appease both sides.
Instead of 'trust,' focus on 'predictability.' Observe what people do and their past behavior, as it's the best indicator of future actions. Expect people to act according to their nature, and arrange interactions to protect yourself from potential negative outcomes, rather than being surprised.
22 Actionable Insights
1. Let the Other Side Go First
Allow the other party to speak first in a negotiation to gain valuable information and save time, as it prevents wasted effort on arguments and counterpoints. This approach is a mercenary’s tool to reach your outcome faster by understanding their perspective.
2. Use Tactical Empathy & Labels
Employ labels (e.g., ‘It seems like…’) to gather information and perform an ‘accusation audit’ by articulating the other side’s potential negative perceptions or fears. This disarms them, clears their mind of distractions, and unlocks a floodgate of truth-telling, making them more receptive.
3. Ask No-Oriented Questions
Rephrase ‘yes-oriented’ questions into ’no-oriented’ ones (e.g., ‘Are you against this option?’ instead of ‘Would you like this option?’). People feel safer saying no, which can lead to more open dialogue and an ‘insane success rate’ in reaching agreements.
4. Prioritize Implementation Over Agreement
Understand that ‘yes is nothing without how,’ meaning a signed agreement is worthless without effective implementation. Strive for the other side to feel the solution is their idea, as this significantly increases their commitment and follow-through.
5. Focus on Learning, Not Failing
Shift your mindset from fearing failure to embracing every situation as a learning opportunity to improve your success rate. This approach builds tremendous confidence in your process, even when outcomes are beyond your control.
6. Embrace the Power of Deference
Use deference as a powerful 360-degree influence tool, regardless of your perceived status relative to the other person. People appreciate deference, especially when you don’t have to give it, fostering tremendous respect and appreciation.
7. Address Negatives First
Before pitching positives, identify and articulate the other side’s ‘paranoid reasons’ or ‘deal breakers’ for not doing business with you. Eliminating these negatives first is crucial because fear of loss drives human behavior more than the desire for gain.
8. Look for the Loss
Actively seek to understand the other party’s fear of loss, as it is the single biggest driver of human behavior, stinging twice as much as an equivalent gain. Factoring this into your thinking is a shortcut to diffusing negativity and finding solutions faster.
9. Cultivate Genuine Curiosity
Approach interactions with genuine curiosity about the other person’s emotions and drivers. This serves as an instant hack for emotional control, compartmentalizing your own negativity and allowing you to focus on understanding them.
10. Reframe Trust as Predictability
Instead of asking if you can ’trust’ someone, reframe it to ‘What can I predict these people are going to do?’ This puts you in a more rational frame of mind, allowing for better decisions based on past behavior and realistic expectations.
11. Avoid Compromise, Seek Best Solution
Do not compromise, as it often leads to ‘one black shoe, one brown shoe’ outcomes that destroy everyone’s original idea and result in half-measures. Instead, focus on finding the best course of action that truly satisfies underlying needs.
12. Use Your Voice Intentionally
Consciously control your tone of voice to influence interactions; a soothing, calming tone can calm the other side and even yourself by affecting mirror neurons. Smiling while speaking can also be felt in your voice, breaking down barriers.
13. Say No Collaboratively
When you need to reject a proposal, use phrases like ‘How am I supposed to do that?’ This makes the other side feel collaborative and powerful, encouraging them to offer more options that might better suit both parties.
14. Close with ‘That was Brilliant!’
When the other side proposes an option that works for you, close the deal by saying, ‘That was brilliant! Let’s do that.’ This makes them feel valued and increases their ownership of the solution, leading to better implementation.
15. Mirror for Deeper Thinking
Use mirroring by repeating the last one to three words of what someone has just said. This simple technique encourages them to rearticulate their thoughts with slightly different words, increasing their own thinking and providing more information.
16. Proactively Address Your Mistakes
If you realize you’ve made a mistake or there’s a negative perception about you, proactively call it out before others do. This disarms potential criticism, clears the air, and gives you the best chance to eliminate it as an issue.
17. Run to Trouble for Growth
Seek out and work on your company’s biggest problems, as this is a ‘fail-safe’ area where you can’t make things worse. Success in these high-impact areas makes you a valuable troubleshooter, leading to increased job satisfaction and career advancement.
18. Be Nicer in Delivery
Maintain your core principles and positions, but soften your delivery to be ’nicer’ in how you communicate. A gentler approach will help you get a lot farther without compromising who you are or what you stand for.
19. Practice Flow State Hacks
Utilize quick mental and physical resets to enter a ‘flow state’ for peak performance, mental endurance, and fearless decision-making. Examples include 10 minutes of meditation, standing up and moving around, or even forcing a laugh for an instant chemical change.
20. Set Lofty Goals, Not BATNA
Instead of setting your goal as your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA), which can limit your ambition, set a high, lofty goal. Then, challenge yourself to beat it by discovering new information, as human beings are goal-oriented.
21. Recognize All Interactions as Negotiations
Understand that any time ‘yes’ is in the air or you have a ‘want,’ you are in a negotiation, even in seemingly simple interactions like placing an order. Never be mean to someone who can hurt you by doing nothing, as every interaction influences whether they help or hinder you.
22. Let Others Articulate Their Mind
Take a moment to allow the other side to articulate what is truly on their mind, as this is the ‘smallest habit that makes the biggest difference.’ People feel listened to, which is highly satisfying, saves time, and fosters better relationships.
9 Key Quotes
We're going to delay things in order to save time.
Federal Judge (quoted by Chris Voss)
Seek first to understand, then be understood is a mercenary's tool.
Chris Voss
Yes is nothing without how.
Chris Voss
Fear gets in the way of deals anyway from three to nine times more than benefits make deals.
Chris Voss
People aren't afraid to fail. They're afraid to fail in a new way.
Chris Voss
Never be mean to somebody who could hurt you by doing nothing.
Chris Voss
Empathy saves time.
Chris Voss
I'm a scorpion. It's in my nature.
Scorpion (quoted by Chris Voss)
Don't laugh because you're in a good mood, force a laugh and you'll actually feel better chemically. You'll trigger a chemical change.
Chris Voss
1 Protocols
The Negotiation One Sheet
Chris Voss- Create a completely truthful summary of the facts and circumstances that led to the current situation, without any spin, that the other side would agree is true.
- Identify the 'crazy, wacko, bizarro, schizophrenic reasons/fears' the other side might have about you or the situation, considering yourself a neutral third party.
- Think about why they wouldn't do business with you first, focusing on deal breakers, as fear gets in the way of deals much more than benefits make them.
- Lead into an 'accusations audit' by articulating potential negative perceptions or baggage they might have about you or your industry (e.g., 'I'm sure we seem like bullies').
- Make a list of things you want to deny, and instead of denying them, pull them out as 'sure it seems like' statements to clear them from the other person's mind.
- Move into calibrated questions or labels (e.g., 'It seems like you might have some next steps in mind') to unlock information and encourage their thinking.
- Identify 'black swans' by noting things you learned during the negotiation that you didn't know going in.
- Set a lofty goal for your objective (e.g., money) and then challenge yourself to beat it by discovering new information, ensuring the other side is comfortable with the outcome for better implementation.