#44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It

1. Prioritize Core Issues

Let go of non-critical matters by asking if something is life-threatening, morally-threatening, or unhealthy. If not, allow it to pass, focusing energy on truly significant concerns.

2. Treat Others as You Wish

Apply the golden rule to children: never treat a child in a way you would not want to be treated yourself. This fosters respect and models ethical behavior.

3. Uphold Mutual Dignity

Ensure that any disciplinary action or interaction leaves both your dignity and the child’s dignity intact. Avoid actions that destroy a child’s sense of self-worth or harm them.

4. Foster Agency and Accountability

Provide children with opportunities to make choices, decisions, and mistakes, then hold them accountable for their actions. This helps them understand that what they do matters and they have agency in their lives.

5. Gradually Increase Responsibility

Continuously increase age- and ability-appropriate responsibilities and decision-making opportunities for children, while gradually decreasing limits and boundaries. The goal is for them to be fully responsible for their own behavior and choices by the time they leave home.

6. Teach Self-Discipline Framework

Implement a clear framework for responding to mistakes, mischief, and mayhem: for mistakes, ‘own it, fix it, learn from it, move on’; for mischief, show them what they did wrong, give ownership, and provide solutions; for mayhem (bullying), use restorative practices (restitution, resolution, reconciliation).

7. Demand Action, Not Apologies

Instead of demanding an apology, require the child to own what they did and fix it. Genuine remorse is shown through action, not just words, especially when apologies can be insincere.

8. Ensure Restorative Remorse

When engaging in restorative practices for mayhem, ensure the child who caused harm shows genuine remorse. If they smirk or don’t take it seriously, stop the process and revisit it later, as true healing cannot occur without it.

9. Empower Targeted Children

Provide children who are targeted with tools for standing up and speaking out for themselves. This includes teaching assertive language and physical stances, and encouraging them to remove themselves from uncomfortable situations.

10. Address Sibling Bullying Seriously

Recognize and address sibling bullying using the ’three R’s’ (restitution, resolution, reconciliation) framework. Do not dismiss it as normal conflict, as it can have long-term negative impacts on the targeted child.

11. Teach Personal Control & Influence

Educate children on personal boundaries and influence by explaining they control half of an interaction, influence 100% of it, and ’no’ is a complete sentence. This empowers them in conflict and personal relationships.

12. Distinguish Telling from Tattling

Teach children the difference between tattling (getting someone in trouble) and telling/reporting (getting someone out of trouble or stopping harm). Reinforce that reporting harm is courageous and necessary.

13. Prioritize Safety in Bullying

When addressing bullying, prioritize keeping the targeted child and any witnesses safe, even if it means delaying direct confrontation with the bully. Gather information discreetly to intervene effectively without risking further harm to the victim.

14. Model Assertive Communication

Demonstrate assertive communication by directly confronting bigoted or inappropriate comments, even from family members. Explain to your children why you are doing so, showing them how to stand up for values when it’s difficult.

15. Consequences: RSVP Criteria

Ensure consequences are RSVP: Reasonable, Simple, Valuable (teaching a lesson), and Practical. This makes discipline effective and focused on learning rather than punishment.

16. Let Go of Parental Efficiency

Prioritize a child’s learning and development over parental efficiency. Allow children to take longer to complete tasks like making lunch or doing laundry, understanding that these are crucial steps toward independence.

17. Start Chores Early for Independence

Teach children age-appropriate chores from a young age and hold them accountable. The goal is for them to be capable of managing a household and their own needs by the time they leave home.

18. It’s Never Too Late

If you feel you’ve ‘done it all wrong’ with older children, affirm that it’s never too late to start teaching responsibility. Initiate conversations about increasing their responsibilities and reducing limits, working together towards their independence.

19. Offer Safe Exit Strategy

Establish a ’no questions asked’ policy where children can call you anytime, anywhere, if they feel uncomfortable or need to leave a situation. This provides a safe way out without fear of judgment or punishment.

20. Use Alternatives to ‘No’

Instead of always saying ’no,’ use alternatives like ‘yes, later,’ ‘give me a minute,’ or ‘convince me.’ This encourages children to think, negotiate, and understand reasoning, reserving ’no’ for truly critical situations.

21. Explain ‘No’ with Reasons

When you must say ’no’ to a significant request (e.g., staying out all night), provide clear, impactful reasons related to safety, such as ‘sex, jail, drugs, and personal safety.’ This helps them understand the risks and your rationale.

22. Allow Blame for Protection

Give children permission to use you as an excuse (e.g., ‘Mom won’t let me’). This provides them with a way to save face and avoid peer pressure in uncomfortable or risky situations without having to directly refuse.

23. Admit Parental Mistakes

When you make a mistake or react poorly, admit it to your children by saying, ‘I blew it.’ Take a moment to calm down, reset, and involve them in finding a sensible solution, modeling vulnerability and problem-solving.

24. Define Time Out’s Purpose

Use time out specifically for calming down and figuring out how to fix a wrong action, not as a blanket punishment. Offer choices for where to calm down (e.g., ‘rocker room or on my lap’) to help them regain control.

25. Problem-Solve in Family Meetings

Hold family meetings to address issues with a clear structure: ‘You’ve got a problem, what’s your plan?’ This empowers children to actively participate in finding solutions to family challenges, from chores to holiday plans.

26. Evolve Parental Role

Understand that your role shifts from parent during formative years to mentor and guide during adolescence, and eventually to a good friend in adulthood. Adapt your approach to meet their developmental needs.

27. Provide Six Critical Life Messages

Regularly convey these messages to children: ‘I believe in you, I trust in you, I know you can handle it, you’re listened to, you’re cared for, you’re very important to me.’ This builds psychological safety and self-worth.

28. Encourage, Don’t Just Praise

Focus on encouragement, which can happen anytime, especially when a child struggles, rather than just praise, which is judgmental and only occurs after a deed is done perfectly. Encouragement builds resilience.

29. Give Specific Deed-Based Feedback

When complimenting, ‘stroke the deed, not the kid.’ Be specific about the action and its positive impact (e.g., ‘Thank you for walking the dog; he’s so happy’). This affirms their agency and teaches cause-and-effect.

30. Use Green Pen for Corrections

In an educational context, use a ‘green pen’ to mark correct answers and instruct children to fix the incorrect ones. This conveys belief in their ability to learn and improve, rather than highlighting failure.

31. Invite Dialogue, Not Lecture

When children share achievements or struggles, respond with ‘Talk to me about it. Tell me about it.’ This open-ended invitation encourages them to share their experiences and feelings, fostering deeper communication.

32. Cultivate Gift Utilization

Teach children that if they have a gift, they have an obligation to use it for the benefit of others. Connect their talents to opportunities for service or collaboration, rather than just personal achievement.

33. Leverage Unique Strengths

Identify and highlight children’s unique strengths, especially those with learning disabilities or impulsive tendencies. Create opportunities for them to shine and use these traits constructively, like an impulsive child becoming a lifeguard.

34. Start Digital Literacy Early

Begin teaching children about being digitally savvy, civil, and safe around age five, even if they don’t own a device. They will encounter digital tools through friends, so early education is crucial.

35. Apply ‘Three Gates’ to Communication

Teach children (and model yourself) to filter all communication, online and offline, through three gates: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If it doesn’t pass all three, do not send or say it.

36. Trust but Verify Passwords

For early teens, maintain a policy of ’trust but verify’ regarding digital safety, including knowing their passwords. This balance of trust and oversight helps protect them from online dangers.

37. Utilize Digital Safety Resources

Actively use resources like commonsensemedia.org and stopcyberbullying.org to stay informed about the latest apps, games, and online safety concerns, and to access expert-developed handouts for parents and educators.

38. Discuss Online Dangers Age-Appropriately

Have age- and ability-appropriate conversations with children about real-world online dangers, such as predators and blackmail, using examples like the Amanda Todd case. This prepares them for potential threats.

39. Demand Tech Company Accountability

Advocate and demand that tech companies developing digital tools invest resources to help keep children safe online, as parents and educators cannot do it alone.

40. Use Proper Anatomical Terms

From a very young age, teach children the proper anatomical terms for their bodies. This normalizes conversations about sexuality and reduces the likelihood of using derogatory terms later on.

41. Teach Teasing vs. Taunting

Around age five, teach children the clear distinction between teasing (mutual, lighthearted, benign) and taunting (one-sided, intended to harm, bigoted). This helps them identify and respond to bullying behavior.

42. Teach Flirting vs. Sexual Bullying

By fourth grade, educate children on the difference between healthy flirting (normal, natural, mutual) and sexual bullying (harmful, one-sided, non-consensual). This provides crucial social-sexual literacy.

43. Respond Calmly to Sexual Questions

When children ask questions about sexuality, respond calmly and openly, finding out what they are truly asking. If they use a derogatory sexual term, stop it immediately, as it is mean and cruel.

44. Prepare for Puberty Proactively

Be proactive in preparing children for puberty, utilizing community resources like hospital sessions for parents and children. Have sanitary packs ready for girls and be open to discussing body changes as they occur.

45. Focus on Life Lessons, Not Oversharing

When discussing drugs, sex, or past mistakes, focus on imparting life lessons rather than oversharing your own past wrongdoings. Some experiences are best left unshared, especially if they don’t serve a constructive purpose.

46. Affirm Unconditional Love

Consistently let your children know that you love them, you are there for them, and you accept them for who they are, regardless of their identity or choices. This builds a foundation of security and trust.