#66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure
Dr. Emily Nagoski, sex therapist and author of "Come As You Are," demystifies human sexuality, discussing the biological and social aspects of sex. She provides actionable insights on improving sexual communication, understanding consent, and fostering healthier relationships by addressing societal messages and personal discomforts.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Differentiating Vulva and Vagina Anatomy
Similarities in Male and Female Genitalia
Societal Discomfort Talking About Sex
Fostering Openness About Sexuality in Children
Parental Messages and Human Giver Syndrome
Contradictory Societal Messages and Pressures on Sex
The Impact of Pornography on Sexual Perceptions
Navigating Open Relationships and Trust
Distinguishing Different Kinds of Sexual Encounters
The Evolving Role of Sex in Long-Term Relationships
Factors Influencing Sexual Pleasure and Well-being
The Science of Trust and Reciprocity
Understanding Betrayal and the Ineffectiveness of Revenge
Reasons for Affairs and 'Secret Gardens'
Addressing a Decline in Sexual Connection
Key Insights for Men and Women About Each Other's Sexuality
10 Key Concepts
Biological Homologue
Body parts in males and females that originate from the same embryonic tissue but are organized differently, such as the clitoris and penis, or the labia and scrotum. This understanding helps recognize the complexities and variations of all body parts.
Squick
A term used by sex educators to describe the discomfort, withdrawal, shock, and disgust people feel when discussing sexuality. This reaction often stems from a lifetime of receiving mixed cultural messages about sex being both shameful and essential.
Moral Dumbfounding
A phenomenon where individuals have a strong moral reaction to something (e.g., a child expressing pleasure from their clitoris) but are unable to articulate logical or rational reasons why it is harmful or wrong.
Human Giver Syndrome
A concept describing a societal dynamic where some individuals (often women) feel a moral obligation to give their time, attention, energy, affection, and bodies to others (human beings) to help them achieve their full potential, often at their own expense.
Maladaptive Strategy to Manage Negative Affect
Using behaviors like excessive porn consumption to numb out or avoid coping with difficult emotions such as stress, depression, anxiety, loneliness, or repressed rage. This strategy postpones dealing with underlying issues rather than resolving them.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (Trust)
A relationship research framework that defines trust as the belief that your partner is 'there for me,' meaning they are consistently available, responsive, and engaged with your emotional needs, especially when you need them most.
Dual Control Mechanism
The brain's system for sexual response, consisting of a 'sexual accelerator' that notices turn-on signals and 'brakes' that notice reasons not to be turned on. Both systems are continuously active and influence sexual arousal.
Spontaneous Desire
Sexual desire that seems to emerge suddenly and out of the blue, often characterized by an immediate, unprompted feeling of wanting sex. It's frequently depicted as a 'lightning bolt to the genitals.'
Responsive Desire
Sexual desire that emerges in response to pleasure or sexual stimulation, rather than preceding it. This type of desire is more typical in long-term relationships, where intimacy and arousal build as physical contact begins.
Ludic Factors
Elements related to playfulness and experimentation in sex, derived from the root word for 'ludicrous' or 'to play.' This refers to the freedom and willingness to have fun, experiment, and be creative with a partner, which can significantly increase sexual pleasure.
17 Questions Answered
The vulva is the technical term for the external genitalia visible at birth, while the vagina is the internal reproductive canal where menstrual blood and babies exit, and where penetration can occur.
Society often sends mixed messages that sex is dangerous, disgusting, and shameful, yet also implies that one must be good at it to be loved, leading to fear, shame, and a tendency to hide it.
Start early, repeat conversations often, and begin with simple body part names, reacting neutrally to communicate safety and openness to children about their bodies and sexuality.
Parents must address their own discomfort with sexual language, cultural messages around gender roles, consent, and bodily autonomy, particularly patriarchal narratives that undermine a woman's right to her own body.
Girls and women receive contradictory messages from moral, media, and medical sources, leading to a feeling that no matter what they do, they are doing it wrong, whether it's about desire, body shape, or performance.
Men are often taught that their value is measured by their sexual prowess and ability to always want and perform sex, leading to feelings of failure and deep vulnerability if they say no or don't desire sex.
Porn often reinforces unrealistic norms about bodies and behaviors, serving as bad sex education that can lead to maladaptive coping strategies for negative emotions, potentially alienating partners and weakening relationship bonds.
There is no evidence that one structure is inherently better or worse; they are simply different relationship structures that work well for some people but require significantly more communication and emotional management.
Open relationships work well when partners have a profound degree of love and trust, are emotionally present, and can manage their own insecurities. They are challenging if partners are not already skilled at calendar management and discussing feelings.
While there's no academic definition, 'making love' implies a soulful, emotionally connected experience focused on bonding, 'fucking' is energetic and passionate but not necessarily emotionally connected, and 'having sex' is a more casual, bare-minimum physical act.
Early in a relationship, sex is often frequent and intense, used for bonding and repair. Over time, it can become less frequent due to life priorities, but couples who sustain connection prioritize sex, maintain friendship, and often experience responsive desire.
Key factors include personal mental and physical well-being, positive partner characteristics (beyond physical appearance, like humor and trust), a comfortable and controllable setting, managing other life stressors, and 'ludic factors' (freedom to play and experiment).
Physiologically, revenge does not provide satisfaction for betrayal or heartbreak. Instead, processing feelings through imagination, discussion, physical activity, or creative outlets is more effective for healing.
Affairs often occur because individuals are getting needs met outside their primary relationship that are no longer being met within it, and they involve a breach of consent or awareness, sometimes related to a partner's need for a 'secret garden.'
A cessation of sex can indicate that stress (from any source, not just the relationship) is hitting the 'brakes' on sexual interest, or it could signal a breakdown in communication, trust, or emotional connection within the relationship itself.
Men often carry a deep, hidden wound related to sexual rejection, as their value is culturally tied to sexual prowess. Rejecting a man's sexuality can feel like a rejection of his fundamental personhood, leading to suppressed vulnerability.
Women are often culturally conditioned to sacrifice their own bodily autonomy to ensure others' comfort and happiness. Men's help is crucial for women to fully grasp their right to choose when and how they are touched, without feeling obligated to please others.
43 Actionable Insights
1. Support Women’s Bodily Autonomy
Support women in asserting their basic bodily autonomy, recognizing that they are often conditioned to sacrifice it for others’ comfort and happiness, and need help to fully grasp this right.
2. Challenge Human Giver Syndrome
Recognize and challenge the ‘human giver syndrome,’ where individuals (often women) feel a moral obligation to prioritize others’ needs, as this dynamic impedes genuine consent and self-expression.
3. Parents Address Own Biases
Parents must address their own discomfort and cultural biases around gender roles, consent, and bodily autonomy to provide healthier sex education to their children.
4. Talk About Sex Early
Start discussing sex early and often with children, using accurate body part names and simple relationship concepts, to foster comfort and openness around sexuality.
5. React Positively to Genital Exploration
Respond neutrally and positively when children explore or name their genitals, communicating that these body parts are normal and safe to discuss, rather than instilling shame.
6. Cultivate True Consent
Understand that true consent goes beyond a simple ‘yes’ and requires individuals to be free from the ‘human giver’ role, enabling them to express genuine desires and boundaries.
7. Empower Men to Say No
Support men in feeling comfortable saying no to sex, acknowledging that cultural messages often equate refusal with failure, leading to deep self-doubt and relationship issues.
8. Recognize Male Sexual Vulnerability
Understand that men often carry a deep, hidden wound related to sexual rejection, as their worth is culturally tied to sexual prowess, making rejection feel like a fundamental personal failure.
9. Address Emotional Suppression
Recognize that both men and women are often taught to suppress emotions (men: vulnerability, women: anything but happiness/sadness), leading to a lack of practice in feeling and discussing feelings.
10. Prioritize Pleasure in Sex
Focus on pleasure as the true measure of sexual well-being, emphasizing whether you genuinely enjoy the sex you are having, rather than frequency, specific acts, or number of orgasms.
11. Foster Friendship & Prioritize Sex
Build a strong friendship with your partner and actively prioritize sex, consciously deciding it matters for your relationship quality, as these are common traits of couples with sustained sexual connections.
12. Build Trust Through Availability
Define and build trust in relationships by being emotionally present and available for your partner, which is crucial for navigating complexities and maintaining connection.
13. Be Trustworthy and Trusting
Build trust by consistently being trustworthy yourself and by extending trust to others, as there is a strong relationship between one’s own trustworthiness and the willingness to trust.
14. Cuddle After Sex
Make cuddling after sex a habit, as this simple act is a strong predictor of both sex and relationship satisfaction, more so than frequency or orgasm count.
15. Recognize Sex as Bonding
Understand the biological and social power of sex as a bonding and attachment behavior, especially in long-term relationships, fostering deep emotional connection.
16. Use Accurate Anatomical Terms
Employ accurate anatomical language (e.g., differentiating vulva from vagina) to foster a more comprehensive and less confused understanding of the body and reduce shame.
17. Address Discomfort with Sex Talk
Acknowledge and address the ‘squick reaction’ (discomfort, withdrawal, shock, disgust) to sex talk, which stems from mixed cultural messages, to become more comfortable discussing sexuality.
18. Use Gentle Startup for Conversations
When initiating difficult conversations, especially about sex, use a ‘gentle startup’ by asking permission to talk and expressing its importance, ensuring a more productive discussion.
19. Start Sex Conversations Positively
Begin discussions about sexual connection with positive affirmations, highlighting what you love and value about it, to create a safer and more receptive environment.
20. Manage Uncomfortable Feelings
Address accumulated uncomfortable feelings (‘sleepy hedgehogs’) in a relationship with kindness and compassion, picking them up one by one to clear space for connection.
21. Meet Commitments Consistently
Build trust by consistently meeting commitments, such as showing up on time or communicating delays, as reliability is fundamental to a secure relationship.
22. Stay Emotionally Grounded
Develop the ability to stay grounded in your own emotional center of gravity, managing insecurities and self-doubt, rather than projecting them onto your partner’s actions.
23. Understand Emotional Impact on Sensation
Recognize that your emotional state profoundly influences how your brain interprets physical sensations, meaning the same touch can feel pleasurable or irritating depending on context.
24. Embrace Joy in Passion
Approach passion and sex with joy and laughter, as joylessness is considered a ‘worst sin’ that diminishes the experience and connection.
25. Cultivate Playfulness in Sex
Actively cultivate playfulness and a sense of freedom to experiment with your partner (’ludic factors’), as fun and exploration significantly enhance sexual pleasure.
26. Ensure Consent for All Acts
Remember that consenting adults can engage in any sexual act they mutually desire, emphasizing explicit permission and open communication for all forms of intimacy.
27. Optimize Sexual Setting
Pay attention to the sexual setting, as environmental factors (e.g., privacy, comfort, lack of distractions) can significantly influence pleasure and satisfaction.
28. Embrace Responsive Desire
Understand and embrace responsive desire, where desire emerges in response to pleasure, as a normal and healthy aspect of long-term sexual connection, rather than expecting constant spontaneous desire.
29. Improve Overall Well-being
Focus on improving your overall mental and physical well-being, as it is the best predictor of your sexual well-being, especially for women.
30. Value Partner’s Non-Physical Traits
Appreciate partner characteristics beyond physical appearance, such as sense of humor or expertise in their passions, as these contribute significantly to attraction and pleasure.
31. Prioritize Sleep for Sex
Prioritize getting enough sleep, as even one extra hour can significantly increase the chances of having sex and improve its quality.
32. Manage Life Stressors
Be aware of how other life circumstances, such as stress from work, family, or finances, can act as ‘brakes’ on sexual desire and pleasure, and manage them where possible.
33. Address Sex Stoppage
If sex stops in a relationship, view it as a sign that something has changed and initiate a conversation with your partner to explore underlying causes, which may or may not be relationship-related.
34. Process Betrayal Healthily
Process feelings of betrayal and heartbreak through healthy outlets like imagination, talking with friends, physical activity, sobbing, or writing, to move through the darkness and heal.
35. Avoid Revenge
Avoid seeking revenge for betrayal or heartbreak, as it does not provide satisfaction and is not an effective way to process feelings; instead, deal with your emotions separately from the situation.
36. Understand Affair Motivations
Recognize that affairs often occur because individuals are seeking to fulfill unmet emotional needs that are lacking in their primary relationship, rather than solely sexual desires.
37. Porn is Not Sex Education
View porn as poor sex education, understanding it depicts professional, often unrealistic scenarios that do not accurately represent how sex works in real life.
38. Avoid Maladaptive Porn Use
Be aware that using porn as a maladaptive strategy to numb out from negative emotions, rather than engaging with a partner, can lead to an unhealthy relationship with porn and alienate partners.
39. Open Relationships Need High Trust
Approach open relationships only with a profound degree of love and trust, and be prepared for exponentially more complicated emotional dynamics requiring extensive, planned communication.
40. Don’t Add People to Save Relationships
Avoid adding another person (e.g., a baby, or opening a relationship) to ‘save’ a struggling relationship, as this rarely makes things easier and often complicates existing issues.
41. Recognize Stress as a Sexual Brake
Understand that stress, regardless of its source, is a common factor that ‘hits the brakes’ on sexual desire and connection for most people.
42. Understand Homologous Anatomy
Understand that all human genitalia are made of the same parts, just organized differently, to recognize complexities and normalize variations without judgment.
43. Sex’s Social Purpose
Recognize sex’s primary function as a social behavior for bonding and connection, rather than solely reproduction, to reframe its purpose.
5 Key Quotes
Almost none of the sex humans have ever had is reproductive. Its primary function for us as a species is as a social behavior.
Emily Nagoski
Learning about sex from porn is like learning how to drive watching NASCAR. Those are professionals on a closed course with a pit crew. Do not attempt.
Emily Nagoski
Pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being.
Emily Nagoski
The worst sin passion can commit is to be joyless. It must lie down with laughter or make its bed in hell. There can be no middle path.
Emily Nagoski
Women have the same basic bodily autonomy that is the right to choose when and how they are touched as men do. They have been taught all their lives that they must make sure everyone around them is comfortable and happy. And so they will sacrifice their own bodily autonomy for your sake.
Emily Nagoski
1 Protocols
Conversation about Sexual Connection (Gentle Startup)
Emily Nagoski (describing John Gottman's 'gentle startup' and her 'sleepy hedgehogs' metaphor)- Ask permission: Initiate the conversation by asking, 'Is now a good time to talk about this?' or 'Let's find a time to talk about it because it's important to me and I want to hear your thoughts.'
- Start gently and positively: Begin by sharing what you genuinely love and value about your sexual connection with your partner.
- Invite your partner to share: Ask your partner what they value about your sexual connection to foster mutual understanding and prioritization.
- Address obstacles: Discuss the feelings or issues that are standing between you and sexual connection, metaphorically 'moving sleepy hedgehogs' (uncomfortable feelings) with kindness and compassion to clear the space for intimacy.