Carolyn Coughlin: Become A Better Listener
Acclaimed executive coach Carolyn Coughlin shares insights on adult development theory, the power of language, and three types of listening. She discusses practical skills for becoming a better listener and navigating complex personal and professional challenges.
Deep Dive Analysis
20 Topic Outline
Introduction to Carolyn Coughlin and Listening
Adult Development Theory and Sense-Making
The Power of Language: Need-To vs. Want-To
Work-Life Balance vs. Mosaic Metaphor
Language, Identity, and Limiting Beliefs
Connection, Trust, and Remote Work Impact
Strategies for Building Trust in Remote Teams
Creating Identity and Habits Through Language
Creating Conditions for Change in Complex Systems
Environmental Nudges and Social Influence
Teaching Better Listening: Contagion and Techniques
Three Types of Listening: Win, Learn, Fix
Listening to Our Bodies and Emotions
Asking Better Questions for New Information
Immediately Useful and Developmental Skills
Polarity Management: Seeing Interconnectedness
Seeing the World As It Is and Embracing Discomfort
Developing Perspective-Taking: How Could I Be Wrong?
Unhelpful Past Habits: Being On Top of Everything
Defining Personal Success
9 Key Concepts
Adult Development Theory
A map describing how an adult's sense-making changes over time, even after physical maturity. It reveals that how individuals understand themselves and the world continues to evolve throughout adulthood.
Sense-making
The process by which individuals interpret and understand what they perceive in the world. It also encompasses how they construct meaning of themselves, and this process developmentally changes over time.
Identity (small 'i')
Refers to how an individual sees themselves and how they want to be perceived in the world. This identity is developed through life experiences, adapting to what works and doesn't, and is constantly projected through actions, words, and associations.
Creating the Conditions
An approach used in complex systems where, instead of directly intervening to force a change, one makes small nudges, shapes the environment, and amplifies existing conditions. This allows desired changes to emerge naturally within the system.
Subject-Object Theory
A developmental theory where 'subject' is what an individual is fused with, like an invisible lens through which they see the world, and 'object' is what can be held out, examined, and discussed. Growth involves moving aspects from being 'subject' to 'object'.
Listening to Win
A type of listening where the primary goal is to make the other person wrong or dismiss their problem, often by telling them they don't have one. While it might feel good to the listener in the moment, it prevents the speaker from feeling truly heard.
Listening to Learn/See
A deep form of listening focused on getting underneath the surface of what is being said. It involves genuine curiosity to understand the other person's true meaning and reflecting that understanding back to them.
Listening to Fix
A very common type of listening where the listener's immediate impulse is to take the other person's problem and solve it for them, or to offer solutions to help them solve it.
Polarity
Based on Barry Johnson's work, a polarity consists of two interconnected things that are both needed over time to achieve the best outcomes. It's an energy system where both sides are essential and dynamic, rather than an either/or choice.
10 Questions Answered
It's a map describing how an adult's sense-making changes over time, revealing that even after physical maturity, how individuals understand themselves and the world continues to evolve.
Our language is not just an expression of our meaning-making but also shapes it; using words like 'I choose to' instead of 'I have to' can cultivate a new meaning and sense of agency, influencing our behavior and identity.
Instead of seeking a static 'work-life balance,' viewing life as a 'mosaic' allows for different pieces (work, health, family, community) to take on varying shapes and sizes at different times, acknowledging that all aspects are present but attention shifts dynamically.
Trust can be built remotely by developing mechanisms for frequent and deep connection, such as starting every meeting with a check-in question where everyone responds, then stepping back to observe patterns, commonalities, and outliers.
Yes, by consistently using language that describes a desired identity (e.g., 'I am the type of person who goes to the gym every day'), one can create a commitment and consistency bias that nudges the system towards living up to that fabricated identity, thereby creating a new habit.
Listening tends to be contagious; by modeling deep listening (listening to learn/see) and helping children experience being truly seen and heard, parents create conditions for them to learn good listening. Giving specific language to listening patterns, like 'listening to win,' can also help children instantly notice and reflect on their behavior.
One way is to practice asking 'Where do you feel that in your body?' when experiencing strong emotions or sensations, turning attention inward to notice connections between mental states and physical sensations.
Start by noticing your habitual questions, as they direct your attention. Then, shamelessly borrow questions from others, especially children, who ask unfiltered, curious questions that adults often overlook.
Listening better is immediately useful because it provides needed perspectives for problem-solving and is developmental as it changes one's relationship to self and the world by questioning assumptions and making room for more complexity.
Develop the habit of asking the question, 'How could I be wrong?' This question assumes your perspective might be incomplete or incorrect, increasing curiosity and prompting you to seek out and understand other viewpoints.
42 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Better Listening Skills
Prioritize developing better listening skills because it is immediately useful for gaining diverse perspectives to solve problems and is profoundly developmental, changing your relationship to yourself and how you perceive the world.
2. Practice Contagious Deep Listening
Actively practice deep listening yourself, as how you listen tends to wear off on other people, and when people feel truly seen and heard, it’s one of the most extraordinary experiences.
3. Practice “Listening for Meaning”
Engage in “listening for meaning” by actively wondering what a person truly means beneath their words and stories, always assuming your initial interpretation might be wrong and prompting further inquiry.
4. Listen for Subject and Object
To deepen your listening, discern what is “subject” (unexamined assumptions) and “object” (examinable beliefs) for the speaker, requiring you to listen below the surface and amplify curiosity about their true meaning.
5. See Through Others’ Eyes
When listening, make it your goal to see the world through the other person’s eyes and understand their perspective, rather than focusing on agreement or disagreement.
6. Avoid “Listening to Win”
Refrain from “listening to win” by making others wrong or dismissing their concerns, as this approach, while potentially comforting to you, prevents them from feeling genuinely heard.
7. Avoid “Listening to Fix”
Be mindful of the tendency to “listen to fix” by immediately offering solutions; instead, practice “listening to learn” or “listening to see” by reflecting back what’s being said to help the other person feel truly heard.
8. Ask “How Could I Be Wrong?”
Cultivate the habit of asking yourself, “How could I be wrong?” to increase curiosity, challenge your initial assumptions, and prompt you to seek out and understand other perspectives.
9. Disrupt Habitual Language Patterns
Pay close attention to your habitual language patterns and deliberately disrupt them, as language is not just an expression of your meaning-making but also shapes it, supporting personal development.
10. Shift “Need To” to “Want To”
Consciously change phrases like “I need to” or “I have to” to “I want to,” as this small linguistic shift can profoundly change your sense of choice and relationship to responsibilities, reducing feelings of being torn.
11. Embrace “I Choose To”
When making a decision, deliberately use the language “I choose to,” as it cultivates a new meaning around your actions, helping you step into them in a different way and seeing them as a choice.
12. “Speak As If” to Build Identity
To cultivate new habits and an identity, consciously “speak as if” you already embody that trait (e.g., “I am a person who goes to the gym”), creating a nudge that helps establish the desired conditions.
13. Challenge Limiting Identity Statements
Actively identify and challenge “I am” statements and monolithic narratives that define you or others, as these habitual language patterns can limit your progress and ability to adapt.
14. Beware “I Would Never” Statements
Be aware that statements like “I would never do that” reinforce your identity, but can also limit your actions and prevent you from engaging in behaviors that might be necessary, even if they challenge your self-perception.
15. Cultivate Enabling Language Patterns
Focus on finding and using language patterns that empower you and serve your goals, rather than those that restrict your potential or reinforce negative self-perceptions.
16. Balance Self-Authorship and Connection
Recognize that while forming a strong, self-authored identity is developmentally important, constantly reinforcing separation from others can sever connections and hinder your ability to solve complex problems that require diverse perspectives and trust.
17. Prioritize Connection in Leadership
Leaders should prioritize fostering connection, trust, and awareness of mutual impact among people, recognizing these relationships as a core and perhaps the most important aspect of effective leadership.
18. Seek Challenging Perspectives
Actively seek out and engage with perspectives that differ from, or even challenge, your own, as this practice is essential for navigating complex problems and avoiding echo chambers.
19. Nudge Change in Complex Systems
To effect change in complex systems, first understand their current self-organizing patterns, then apply small nudges and create conditions to shape the path, rather than attempting direct interventions which often face resistance.
20. Apply Complexity Frameworks (Cynefin)
Learn and apply complexity frameworks like Cynefin to categorize challenges (obvious, complicated, complex), enabling you to deal with them appropriately and fostering a mindset that sees the world as it truly is.
21. Apply Polarity Thinking
When encountering “either/or” problems, apply polarity thinking to recognize that both seemingly opposing elements are interconnected and necessary over time for optimal, sustainable outcomes.
22. Cultivate Nuanced Self-Perception
Employ polarity thinking to develop a more nuanced self-perception, moving beyond rigid “either/or” labels to recognize the interconnected and complex aspects within yourself and the world.
23. Practice Discomfort in Safe Settings
Practice staying in discomfort within safe and supportive environments, gradually nudging yourself to resist the “action urge” to remove it, as this builds adaptability and helps you perceive the world as it truly is.
24. Embrace Unpredictability with Faith
To perceive the world as it truly is, embrace a “leap of faith” by accepting that you don’t need to control everything to be okay, and that unpredictability is a natural, even engaging, aspect of life.
25. Listen to Your Body’s Signals
To better understand your emotions and feelings, regularly ask yourself, “Where do I feel that in my body?” and practice scanning for physical sensations, connecting them to your mental state.
26. Evaluate Your Habitual Questions
Notice the habitual questions you ask yourself and others, then evaluate if they effectively direct your attention towards productive insights or if they lead to unhelpful dead ends without prompting behavioral change.
27. Borrow Questions from Others
To improve your questioning, actively borrow insightful questions from others, especially children, who often ask unfiltered questions that can reveal new perspectives adults might overlook.
28. Leverage Others’ Ideas and Support
Acknowledge that you don’t need to solve everything alone; actively leverage the ideas and support of other people, as they are a valuable resource in navigating a complex world.
29. Implement Meeting Check-Ins
Begin every meeting with a structured check-in where each person responds to a question, then collectively analyze the patterns, commonalities, outliers, and unspoken elements to understand the group’s current state and raw material.
30. Build Remote Connection Mechanisms
For remote teams, intentionally develop and implement mechanisms that create conditions for frequent and deep connection and trust, integrating them into regular systems and the way people interact.
31. Shape Environment for Desired Habits
Modify your physical environment to create conditions that support desired behaviors, like removing tempting items or placing tools for new habits (e.g., hand weights) in easily accessible locations.
32. Choose Community for Growth
Intentionally choose to spend time with people and communities whose default behaviors align with your desired growth, as they create powerful conditions that can shape your development in specific directions.
33. Coach Kids with Reflective Questions
When guiding children, especially on behaviors like “listening to win,” ask reflective questions such as, “Did that help you get what you wanted?” to encourage self-correction and connect their actions to desired outcomes.
34. Label Patterns to Shift Behavior
Give specific language to unhelpful behavioral patterns, such as “listening to win,” as this creates an instant reminder that helps you or others notice and shift the behavior each time it arises.
35. Question “Work-Life Balance” Assumptions
If you view life as a “work-life balance,” disrupt this perspective by asking what’s most important about achieving perfect balance or what’s the worst thing about not, to challenge underlying assumptions.
36. Adopt Life as a Mosaic
Shift your perspective from “work-life balance” to “life as a mosaic” or “integration,” acknowledging that different life components can vary in size and focus at different times, but all remain present and require attention.
37. Utilize Metaphors for Self-Reflection
Employ metaphors, either by noticing the ones you habitually use or by introducing new ones, to explore how you conceptualize complex ideas and assess if they truly align with your goals.
38. Explore Limiting Language Meaning
When encountering habitual or limiting language, delve into its meaning by asking “What does that mean?” and “Who are you when you’re in that state?” to uncover underlying assumptions and challenge self-imposed limitations.
39. Let Go of “On Top of Everything”
Consciously release the need to be “on top of everything,” as this pursuit is often impossible, causes undue stress, and detracts from your ability to be fully present in the moment.
40. Challenge the “I’m Done” Illusion
Challenge the belief that achieving a state of “on top of everything” will lead to a permanent feeling of being “done” or settled, as this destination is often an illusion that prevents presence.
41. Decouple Self-Worth from Responsiveness
Separate your self-worth and the perception of respecting others from the need to be “on top of everything,” such as instantly responding to emails, as this conflation can lead to unnecessary guilt and stress.
42. Enable Others to Be Themselves
Strive for a definition of success where your presence enables another person to be more fully themselves, rather than solely focusing on your own achievements or intelligence.
8 Key Quotes
I find that when people feel really, really, truly seen and heard, it's one of the most extraordinary experiences that a person can have.
Carolyn Coughlin
Our language is not just an expression of our meaning making, but it also shapes our meaning making.
Carolyn Coughlin
Just by using the language I choose to, it actually cultivates or constructs a new meaning around what you're doing, right? Rather than the world or someone else doing it to you, you're stepping into it in a, in a different way.
Carolyn Coughlin
Each time we kind of fortify our own identity as separate, we are severing connections that might actually be really, really important.
Carolyn Coughlin
We have to often work to find the perspectives that are not only different from our own, but are maybe even threatening to our own.
Carolyn Coughlin
We often cannot see what we're doing and this is why we need company and we need company with whom we have trust who will tell us things that we can't see in ourselves.
Carolyn Coughlin
The world is way too complex for that, that sometimes our greatest resource is right there in front of us in the form of another person or someone else's idea. You're like, we don't have to do this alone.
Carolyn Coughlin
My presence mattered and not because I had great ideas, um, not because I was so smart, but that in my presence, another person could be more fully themselves.
Carolyn Coughlin
2 Protocols
Remote Team Trust-Building Protocol
Carolyn Coughlin- Start every meeting with a check-in.
- Someone poses a question (e.g., 'What's in the room today?').
- Every person in the room responds to the question.
- Step back and observe the patterns, commonalities, and outliers, including what wasn't said.
Developing Perspective-Taking Habit
Carolyn Coughlin- Develop the habit of asking the question, 'How could I be wrong?'
- Use this question to increase your curiosity about other viewpoints.
- Actively ask questions of other people to understand their perspectives beyond your initial assumptions.