Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing
Logan Ury, Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and author of "How Not to Die Alone," challenges common dating myths, emphasizing that the "spark" is overrated. She provides actionable strategies for navigating modern relationships, from optimizing dating profiles and first dates to fostering effective communication and building lasting connections.
Deep Dive Analysis
22 Topic Outline
Rethinking First Dates: Pressure vs. Experience
Debunking the Myths of 'The Spark' in Dating
Navigating Modern Dating with the 'Slow Burn' Approach
The Post-Date 8: Evaluating Date Potential
Dating Like a Scientist: Testing Assumptions and Checklists
The Impact of Height Filters in Online Dating
Distinguishing Between 'Spark' and 'Lust'
Optimizing First Dates for Connection, Not Information Gathering
Key Indicators for Long-Term Relationship Success
Understanding Attachment Theory: Anxious, Avoidant, and Secure
Strategies for Shifting Towards Secure Attachment
Effective Texting Etiquette and Digital Body Language
Overcoming the Mind-Reading Expectation in Relationships
Prioritizing Dating in a Career-Focused World
Navigating Age Gaps and Life Stages in Dating
Respectful Rejection: How to End a Date Gracefully
The Concept of Orbiting and its Impact on New Relationships
Logan's Personal Story: Meeting and Marrying Her Husband
Making Conscious Choices at Relationship Decision Points
Having Difficult Conversations and Aligning Values
The Importance of 'Other Significant Others' (OSOs)
Tips for Creating Effective Dating App Profiles
7 Key Concepts
The Spark
The spark refers to an instant feeling of fireworks and chemistry with someone. It is often culturally expected in dating, but can sometimes be a sign of anxiety or attraction to 'sparky' individuals rather than a viable relationship.
The Slow Burn
The slow burn describes a relationship where you like the person more and more as you get to know them over time. It emphasizes growing attraction and appreciation for a quality person, rather than immediate charisma or intense chemistry.
Dating Like a Scientist
This mental model encourages daters to form hypotheses about what they need in a partner (e.g., specific height, degree), test those hypotheses by dating people who challenge them, and be willing to be proven right or wrong. It helps individuals learn about themselves and find happiness beyond initial assumptions.
Attachment Theory
Attachment theory describes how individuals relate to intimacy and independence in relationships, categorized into anxious, avoidant, and secure styles. Anxiously attached individuals tend to chase, avoidantly attached individuals pull away, and securely attached individuals have a healthy balance of closeness and space.
Digital Body Language
Digital body language refers to the unspoken cues and intentions communicated through text messages and online interactions. These cues, such as one-word answers or double-texting, are often subconsciously interpreted and can impact how interested or rude a person is perceived to be.
Orbiting
Orbiting is the act of keeping several potential partners 'in orbit' around you, maintaining a low level of interaction without committing. This strategy, while seemingly increasing options, can prevent individuals from focusing on and committing to a new, potentially fulfilling relationship.
Other Significant Others (OSOs)
OSOs are individuals in your life, beyond your primary romantic partner, whom you rely on for different needs like discussing hobbies, career advice, or emotional support. Having a network of OSOs can reduce pressure on one partner and lead to happier, more successful relationships.
13 Questions Answered
Many people put too much pressure on a first date, treating it like a job interview to find a soulmate, rather than an opportunity to have a fun experience and see if they want to spend more time with the person.
The spark is overrated because it doesn't always indicate a viable relationship, can sometimes be anxiety mistaken for chemistry, and can grow over time rather than being an instant phenomenon.
The most important question is 'What side of me did they bring out?' because the person you are with them is who you will be for a large majority of your life if you end up together.
Loyalty, emotional stability, and the ability to make hard decisions together matter more than looks and money, as our brains adapt to physical attractiveness and financial status over time.
Anxiously attached individuals should identify triggers and distract themselves from spiraling, while avoidantly attached individuals should recognize their need for space and communicate it directly rather than pulling away.
Double-texting is generally okay, but one-word answers are seen as rude or uninterested. It's important for text messages to show equal momentum and to communicate your personal texting style to avoid misinterpretation.
It's more important to clearly state what you want than to expect your partner to read your mind, as this fosters a sense of safety and allows your partner to honor your needs, preventing disappointment.
There are no strict rules for an appropriate age gap; what truly matters is whether individuals share the same values, enjoy spending time in similar ways, and are at compatible life stages.
You should send a kind but firm text, such as 'Hey, it was really great to meet you. I don't think we're a romantic match, but it was great meeting you.' This provides clarity without owing extensive feedback.
Generally, moving on from ex-partners is best for finding a new relationship, as keeping doors open (orbiting) can prevent focus and motivation to find a new, aligned partnership.
Couples should approach decision points (e.g., exclusivity, moving in, marriage, kids) as opportunities for conscious choices and honest conversations, rather than sliding through transitions or making assumptions.
Difficult conversations should be approached as a team, focusing on solving a problem together rather than as adversaries. Sharing feelings, discussing family history, and framing it as the first of many conversations can help.
Shared political views have become increasingly important, often serving as a proxy for shared values, making them as significant as or even more significant than shared religious beliefs for many people.
50 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Vulnerability for Connection
Open up and show your perceived ‘unlovable’ parts, as these are often what make others feel comfortable and allow them to truly connect with you.
2. Date Like a Scientist
Formulate hypotheses about what you think you need in a partner (e.g., specific height, degree), then test those hypotheses by dating people who challenge them, and be open to being proven wrong to discover what truly matters.
3. Seek “Slow Burn” Connections
Prioritize ‘slow burn’ relationships where your liking and attraction for someone grows over time as you get to know their quality character, rather than instant charisma.
4. Don’t Chase Instant Spark
Understand that instant ‘spark’ or chemistry is not a prerequisite for a viable relationship, as attraction and appreciation can grow over time, and sometimes a ‘spark’ can be a sign of anxiety or a superficial connection.
5. Implement a “Post-Date Aid”
After a date, ask yourself questions like ‘How did I feel in my body?’, ‘Did they make me laugh/feel heard/curious?’, and ‘What side of me did they bring out?’ to assess potential beyond initial charisma.
6. Observe Your Own Date Behavior
Focus on how you feel and what side of yourself a person brings out during a date, as this indicates who you would be in a long-term relationship with them.
7. Manage Anxious Attachment Triggers
If you have an anxious attachment style, identify your triggers (e.g., not hearing back quickly), and instead of spiraling or sending multiple texts, distract yourself, talk to a friend, or use ‘disconfirming evidence’ to rationalize the situation.
8. Manage Avoidant Attachment Triggers
If you have an avoidant attachment style, recognize when you feel overwhelmed and are creating reasons to push people away; instead, consciously ask for the space you need directly.
9. Prioritize Dating Skills Early
Learn how to date effectively when you’re younger, as you have a more flexible lifestyle and a larger pool of single people, which can lead to finding a partner sooner and stopping dating earlier.
10. Take Dating Risks
Overcome the fear of rejection by actively approaching people in public and taking risks, as this is essential for forming relationships and finding your dream job.
11. Reframe First Date Mindset
Instead of viewing a first date as an interview for a soulmate, reframe it as an opportunity to have a fun experience and decide if you want to spend more time with that person.
12. Focus on Date Experience
Approach first dates as an opportunity to have a fun experience and see how it feels to be around the person, rather than treating it like a job interview to gather biographical information.
13. Share Stories, Not Facts
In conversations, especially on first dates, share stories that convey emotions and feelings rather than just reciting facts about your life, to make interactions more memorable and engaging.
14. Shorten Digital Courtship
After initial messaging, quickly move to a phone call or video chat to assess connection and then meet in person as soon as possible, to avoid building up unrealistic fantasies based on incomplete information.
15. Start Conversations “In Media Res”
Begin conversations ‘in the middle of things’ by sharing an ongoing story or problem and asking for their perspective, which immediately creates an engaging experience and reveals how they think.
16. Adjust Dating App Filters
Be willing to adjust your dating app filters (e.g., height) to broaden your pool and test if your perceived deal-breakers are truly what you care about, or if other qualities like confidence are more important.
17. Practice Good Digital Body Language
Understand that double-texting can be acceptable, avoid one-word answers, and ensure texting momentum is balanced (one step forward from each person) to signal interest and engagement.
18. Understand Texting Style Compatibility
Identify your personal maximum texting output and minimum texting needs, and recognize that a significant mismatch with a partner’s style may indicate incompatibility.
19. Communicate Your Texting Style
Proactively inform potential partners about your texting habits and preferences to prevent misunderstandings and manage expectations regarding tone and frequency.
20. Be Explicit About Desires
Clearly communicate your wants and needs to your partner, rather than expecting them to read your mind, to ensure your desires are met and avoid disappointment.
21. Have Uncomfortable Conversations Sooner
Avoid making assumptions about what others want and instead engage in potentially uncomfortable conversations earlier to clarify expectations and find common ground.
22. Move On From Exes
Fully disengage from past relationships and ex-partners, cutting ties and avoiding ‘orbiting,’ to create space and motivation to find a new, fulfilling relationship.
23. Commit for Relationship Success
Instead of keeping multiple options open, commit to one person to explore the relationship fully, as true success often comes from focused commitment rather than endless possibilities.
24. Avoid “Changeability” Trap
Resist the urge to keep endless options open or constantly second-guess your choices, as committing to a decision and rationalizing it leads to greater satisfaction than perpetually seeking alternatives.
25. Limit Dating App Conversations
Actively manage your dating app conversations by responding to existing matches before seeking new ones, to encourage focus and decision-making rather than endless matching.
26. Explicitly Discuss Exclusivity
Do not assume exclusivity in dating; have an explicit conversation with your partner to define the relationship status and avoid heartbreak.
27. Seek Information for Decisions
Actively seek information about your partner’s intentions and feelings, even if it might be disappointing, as this data is crucial for making informed decisions about the relationship.
28. Make Time for Dating
Be willing to re-evaluate and potentially remove other commitments from your schedule to create dedicated time for dating, especially if you’ve previously prioritized career over relationships.
29. Prioritize Life Stage Over Age
When considering age gaps in dating, focus on shared values and life stages rather than arbitrary age rules, ensuring you’re seeking a life partner, not just an ego boost.
30. Kindly Reject After Date
If not interested after a date, send a kind but firm text (e.g., ‘I don’t think we’re a romantic match but it was great meeting you’) without offering extensive feedback or engaging in a prolonged conversation.
31. Be Honest About Rejection
Provide clear and honest communication when rejecting someone, as people prefer to know the truth to move on, rather than being ghosted or left in ambiguity.
32. Address Feelings of Being “Broken”
Recognize and actively work on healing the internal feeling of being ‘broken’ or unlovable, as this underlying belief can hinder your ability to form and maintain healthy relationships.
33. Intentional Pre-Commitment Conversations
Engage in intentional conversations about core life topics (e.g., work, values, kids, childhood influences) before committing to a long-term relationship, to ensure alignment and avoid assumptions.
34. Choose to Write Your Story
Instead of searching for ’the one’ or the ‘right choice,’ decide if a partner is someone you are excited to build a life and write a story with, recognizing that multiple great relationships are possible.
35. Provide Ongoing Relationship Feedback
Communicate issues and concerns throughout a relationship as they arise, rather than bottling them up until a breakup, to give your partner a fair chance to address them.
36. Limit Breakup Feedback
During a breakup, avoid giving extensive feedback on what the other person did ‘wrong,’ as it’s often unhelpful and can cause lasting pain, unless there’s a specific, actionable behavior they can change.
37. Give Space After Breakup
After a breakup, give the other person space and avoid constant contact, as this helps them move on and prevents you from assuaging your own guilt at their expense.
38. Prepare for Breakup Conversations
Plan breakup conversations thoughtfully by considering timing (avoiding major life events), ensuring the person has a support system, and avoiding sex or prolonged contact to facilitate their healing.
39. Craft Strategic Dating Profile
Treat your dating profile like a billboard; identify three key aspects of yourself you want to convey and ensure your photos and prompts clearly communicate these ‘big things.’
40. Balance Profile Humor & Vulnerability
Create a dating profile that balances humor with vulnerability to show different facets of your personality, avoiding extremes of being either too jokey or too serious.
41. Avoid Dating App Clichés
Steer clear of common, overused phrases and responses in your dating profile, as they can make you seem unoriginal and less interesting to potential matches.
42. Optimize Dating Profile Photos
Include clear, unfiltered photos that show your face, full body, you engaging in hobbies, and a group photo (where you’re easily identifiable), avoiding sunglasses or excessive filters.
43. Show Authentic Lifestyle in Profile
Use your dating profile to genuinely portray what spending time with you is like, showcasing your actual hobbies and interests rather than aspirational or one-off activities.
44. Partner with Trusted & Respected
Seek a partner whom you deeply trust, admire, and respect, especially for major life decisions, as this mutual regard forms a strong foundation for a collaborative relationship.
45. Make Conscious Relationship Choices
Actively make conscious decisions at key relationship junctures (e.g., exclusivity, moving in, marriage) rather than passively ‘sliding’ into transitions, to ensure alignment and intentionality.
46. Approach Money Talks as Ongoing
Initiate conversations about money by exploring what it means to each person and their family history with it, viewing it as the first of many discussions rather than needing to achieve a specific tactical outcome immediately.
47. Discuss Core Values Early
If deeply held beliefs like political views or religion are proxies for your core values, it’s acceptable to discuss them early in dating, but do so by sharing your personal importance and asking about their experience, rather than debating or seeking a ‘right’ answer.
48. Cultivate “Other Significant Others”
Develop a network of ‘Other Significant Others’ (friends, family) whom you rely on for different needs and interests, reducing pressure on your primary partner and strengthening your relationship.
49. Live Near Friends
Prioritize living within a short walk of your friends to increase happiness and facilitate uncoordinated social interaction and support, rather than optimizing for commute or cost alone.
50. Prioritize Life Balance
Define success as achieving balance across all life domains (health, career, family, relationships, friends) and ensure your time allocation reflects these priorities, avoiding forsaking one for another.
7 Key Quotes
The thing that we think makes us unlovable is often what makes somebody feel comfortable around us. But if we truly feel like we're unlovable, we never open up and give somebody the chance to see that for themselves.
Logan Ury
Imagine that you spend 50 years with someone. The day that you meet is 0.0055% of your total time with them. It's not about gathering information. It's about having an experience with them.
Logan Ury
The sooner you learn how to date, the sooner you can stop dating.
Logan Ury
It's not about how tall the guy is, it's about how they make you feel.
Logan Ury
A relationship is not about two instruments on their own, but it's about the music that you're making together.
Logan Ury
It's much more important to get what you want than to have the person guess what you want and then not get it right and be disappointed.
Logan Ury
Success comes from committing to something. A lot of people just tend to dabble in all of these different projects and they don't actually get things done versus people who commit to a project, focus on it and make it a priority.
Logan Ury
3 Protocols
The Post-Date 8
Logan Ury- Ask yourself: How did I feel in my body during the date? (Stiff or relaxed?)
- Ask yourself: Did this person make me laugh?
- Ask yourself: Did this person make me feel heard?
- Ask yourself: Did I feel curious about the person?
- Ask yourself: What side of me did they bring out?
How to Have a Breakup Conversation
Logan Ury- Provide feedback throughout the relationship if something isn't working, rather than saving it all for the breakup.
- Prepare for the conversation in advance, considering the timing and ensuring the other person has support afterwards.
- Share how you're feeling, but avoid giving extensive negative feedback about their character or actions, as it can be unhelpful and painful.
- Avoid having sex with them after the breakup.
- Give them space and avoid staying in constant touch to assuage your own guilt, as this makes it harder for them to move on.
Creating an Effective Dating App Profile
Logan Ury- Identify your 'three big things' – three key aspects of yourself you want to express.
- Ensure your prompts and photos effectively communicate these 'three big things'.
- Include a mixture of humor and vulnerability to show different sides of yourself.
- Avoid dating app clichés in your prompt responses.
- Use clear photos without sunglasses, filters, or ski goggles.
- Include a clear headshot, a full-body photo, a photo of you doing something you love, and a photo with friends/family (but not so many that you can't be identified).
- Authentically show what spending time with you would be like.