Paul Assaiante: Learning to Face Your Fears
Paul Assaiante, the winningest coach in college sports history, shares his unique approach to unleashing potential. He discusses conquering fears by "running to the roar," the critical role of preparation, managing emotions, and fostering resilience in a pressurized society.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Understanding and Applying 'Run to the Roar'
The Challenge of Taking a Step Back to Move Forward
Defining Success and Failure Personally
The Critical Role of Preparation and Practice
The Relationship Between Consistency, Intensity, and Purpose
Managing Emotions: The Oreo Cookie Analogy
Addressing and Learning from Children's Behavior
Concerns for the Current Generation and Fear of Failure
Building Resilience and Mental Toughness
Navigating Diversity and Socioeconomic Differences in a Team
The Importance of Daily Communication with Team Captains
Reflections on Relationships and Shared Difficult Times
5 Key Concepts
Run to the Roar
This concept suggests that when faced with a problem or fear, one should confront it directly rather than running away. Often, what seems like a terrifying 'roar' (like an old, toothless lion in a pack hunt) is not as dangerous as perceived, and confronting it leads to safety and resolution.
Emotion is Your Enemy
Emotions, whether elation, depression, or anger, can hinder one's ability to recognize necessary adjustments and shifts in a situation. Maintaining a calm mind allows for better awareness and decision-making, which is crucial for success in dynamic environments.
Cream in the Oreo Cookie
This analogy represents the period of time between a thought and an action. The goal is to increase this gap, or 'cream,' to prevent knee-jerk reactions and allow for more considered, less emotional responses, leading to better outcomes.
Green Tree Theory
This theory suggests that to straighten a tree bent to the left, you don't tie it straight, but rather bend it to the right. The tree will then find its middle. In education and discourse, this means presenting all perspectives to allow individuals to form their own balanced conclusions.
Practice Your Weaknesses, Compete to Your Strengths
This strategy involves dedicating practice time to improving areas of deficiency, even if it means looking less competent. However, in actual competition or performance, the focus should be on leveraging established strengths while having shored up weaknesses to prevent them from becoming liabilities.
8 Questions Answered
Running to the roar means confronting your fears and problems directly, rather than avoiding them. Often, what seems intimidating is less dangerous upon closer inspection, and facing it is where true safety and resolution are found.
Successful individuals often embrace risk and are willing to take a temporary step backward (go to 'good minus') to achieve significant forward progress ('great'). They recognize that what got them to their current position might not be sufficient to reach their next goal and are open to adjustment.
Success is defined as reaching a point where you can look in the mirror and genuinely say, 'I have enough.' This doesn't mean stopping effort, but rather having a sense of contentment and purpose that allows you to live the life you desire or contribute to causes you care about.
Failure is chasing external validation or goals that are not authentic to one's true self, often driven by ego. This striving without inner peace or genuine purpose leads to a lack of fulfillment and can cause one to neglect important relationships or personal well-being.
Preparation is everything; one cannot perform better in competition or a presentation than they do in practice. Practice is a crucial opportunity to fail and learn, and making practice more challenging can better prepare individuals for the pressure of game day.
Emotion, whether positive or negative, can impair one's ability to objectively assess a situation and make necessary adjustments on the fly. A calm mind is essential for recognizing shifts and making effective in-game adjustments in any aspect of life.
There is concern that adults, in an effort to protect young people from discomfort and pain, inadvertently hinder their development of resilience. This overprotection leads to a lack of experience with failure, which is essential for learning, growth, and building mental toughness.
Resilience is built by allowing children to fail and then celebrating those failures as learning opportunities. It involves being omnipresent and communicating about what happened in a non-judgmental way, focusing on understanding the 'why' and how to improve, rather than just the outcome.
36 Actionable Insights
1. Run Towards Your Fears
Confront your fears and perceived problems directly because what seems daunting is often less threatening upon closer inspection, helping you overcome what holds you back and reach your full potential.
2. Address “Worst That Can Happen”
When wrestling with thorny issues, ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” This helps you realize that the situation might not be as bad as perceived, making you feel more fearless and less likely to make it a bigger deal.
3. Allow Failure, Build Resilience
Actively allow yourself and others (especially children) to experience failure and discomfort, as these are crucial for learning and developing resilience, a key quality for success. Celebrate failures as opportunities for growth.
4. Increase Thought-Action Gap
Consciously increase the time between having a thought and acting on it (the “cream in the Oreo cookie”), allowing for reflection and reducing the likelihood of impulsive, knee-jerk, or negative reactions.
5. Avoid Emotion-Driven Decisions
Refrain from making decisions or trying to figure things out when emotions (whether elation, depression, or anger) are high, as they hinder your ability to recognize necessary adjustments and shifts.
6. Focus on Process, Not Scoreboard
Prioritize the process and the well-being of your people or the execution of tasks, rather than fixating on outcomes or the “scoreboard,” as focusing on the process leads to better results.
7. Define Success as “Enough”
Define personal success as reaching a place where you can genuinely look in the mirror and say, “I have enough.” This mindset promotes contentment while still allowing you to continue working towards living the life you desire or giving to causes.
8. Avoid Ego-Driven Chasing
Avoid chasing goals that are primarily driven by ego or a need to fill a void in self-perception, as this striving can lead to a lack of peace and is defined as failure.
9. Practice is Everything
View practice as the most crucial element for performance, recognizing it as an opportunity to fail and learn, which is essential for eventual success on game day or in the boardroom.
10. Consistent Daily Effort Builds Success
Build success through consistent, daily effort, viewing each day’s contribution as another brick in the house you’re building. This daily discipline, when enjoyed, is more effective than sporadic intense bursts.
11. Empathy is Key for Leaders
Cultivate empathy by actively trying to put yourself on the other side of the desk to understand others’ perspectives and motivations, which is crucial for effective leadership, influence, and inspiring people to reach their full potential.
12. Step Back to Move Forward
Be willing to take a temporary step backward (e.g., to address a mindset or skill deficiency) in order to ultimately move forward and achieve greater improvement, even if it feels counterintuitive.
13. Adjust to Others’ Adjustments
Continuously adjust your approach and strategies in life, recognizing that what got you here won’t necessarily get you there, especially when others are making their own adjustments in the ‘race of life’.
14. Anticipate, Adjust to Unexpected
Mentally prepare for things not to go exactly as planned and cultivate the ability to recognize unexpected developments and make real-time adjustments, as life often requires constant adaptation like a game of whack-a-mole.
15. Enjoy the Process, Find Purpose
Cultivate a mindset that finds fun, excitement, value, and purpose in the daily process of work and improvement, as viewing it as drudgery will hinder long-term success and motivation.
16. Find and Align with Purpose
Identify your life’s purpose, as working toward or in sync with it makes effort feel less like ‘work’ and more like a natural, fulfilling endeavor.
17. Intensify Practice for Game Day
Increase the difficulty of practice sessions to make them more like game day, so that actual competition feels less shocking to the system and allows for a calmer, more effective performance.
18. Practice Weaknesses, Compete Strengths
Dedicate practice time to improving your weaknesses to prevent opponents from exploiting them, but always leverage your strengths during actual competition.
19. Do Your Job, Stay in Lane
Focus on performing your specific role using your strengths and avoid straying outside your designated area or responsibilities, as going out of your lane can expose weaknesses and create liabilities.
20. Daily Lists, Hardest Task First
Create daily task lists, review them before bed to enhance focus, and prioritize completing the least appealing task first each day to make the rest of the day more enjoyable and prevent procrastination-induced worry.
21. Set Realistic, Measurable Goals
Establish realistic and measurable goals that are achievable in small steps, as this fosters consistency and prevents discouragement from seemingly insurmountable objectives.
22. Save Energy for Tomorrow
When training or working, aim for sustainable effort rather than 100% intensity every single day; save a little for tomorrow so you feel good enough to return and continue the next day.
23. Perfection is Enemy of Good
Accept “good enough” and celebrate individuals for who they are, rather than striving for an often unattainable perfection that can lead to unnecessary pressure and dissatisfaction.
24. Address Reactions Non-Confrontationally
When someone reacts emotionally, gently point out the reaction in a non-judgmental, non-confrontational way at the moment, then revisit the discussion later when emotions have subsided for effective learning.
25. Teach Behaviors Calmly, Later
To change learned behaviors, address them repeatedly during calm, non-emotional times (e.g., driving to the mall), rather than in the heat of the moment, to facilitate genuine learning and behavioral change.
26. Model Desired Behavior
Model the behavior you want to see in others, such as apologizing for losing your temper, as your actions speak louder than words in teaching and reinforcing desired conduct.
27. Shift to Bigger Goal for Openness
When facing vulnerable moments, shift your mindset to focus on your larger purpose or goal (e.g., raising strong, independent children) to facilitate openness and model desired behavior, rather than making it about personal discomfort.
28. Leaders Share Their Humanity
As a leader, openly share your humanity and vulnerabilities with those you lead, as this fosters a sense of connection, reduces judgment, and allows for more relatable and effective teaching.
29. Omnipresent, Constant Communication
Maintain constant communication and presence, especially with young people, to provide continuous constructive messaging and guidance, helping them navigate challenges and avoid being swept away by external pressures.
30. Foster Empathy in Diversity
Actively foster empathy and understanding among diverse groups by encouraging them to recognize similarities and address differences, leading to richer experiences and smoother journeys together.
31. Share All Perspectives
Present all perspectives on an issue, rather than just one side, to allow individuals to form their own balanced conclusions and foster independent thought, helping them find the ‘middle’.
32. Daily Check-ins with Leaders
Conduct daily check-ins with key individuals (e.g., team captains) to understand their perspectives, stay informed about group dynamics, and transparently explain the rationale behind decisions.
33. Brief Daily Interactions
Engage in brief, surface-level interactions with many people daily to take their ’temperature’ and ensure they are okay, reserving deep dives only for when a specific problem or need arises.
34. Difficult Times Deepen Bonds
Recognize that enduring and overcoming difficult times together deepens relationships and fosters a stronger bond, similar to the shared experiences in a marriage.
35. Reconnect with Light Touch
Make an effort to reconnect with people from your past with a “light touch,” offering non-judgmental acceptance and reinforcing that shared humanity and connection persist.
36. Delay Teaching After Loss
Refrain from teaching or coaching immediately after a loss or a bad moment when emotions are high; instead, offer a brief acknowledgment and revisit the teaching later when things have calmed down.
8 Key Quotes
What sunk the Titanic was not the tip of the iceberg that you could see poking out of the water. It was what was underneath and out of sight. And if we want to reach our potential, we have to get to the source of our own issues, into what seems unsolvable, into what we are afraid of. We have to run toward the roar.
Shane Parrish
Go at the problem. Go at what you perceive to be the problem. And what you'll invariably find is it's a toothless old lady.
Paul Assaiante
I don't want to become, I want to go from good to great, but I'm not willing to go to good minus for a short time to get to great. And so I think we tend to protect where we are ferociously.
Paul Assaiante
I think success is to get to a place where you can look in the mirror. Almost nobody gets here, by the way. You can look in a mirror and say, I have enough.
Paul Assaiante
You can never teach or coach on the heels of loss, business or otherwise. In your relationships, when there is emotion, that is not the time to go in and try to figure out anything.
Paul Assaiante
I believe in the Japanese philosophy, which is that you cry in practice and you laugh in competition.
Paul Assaiante
Perfection is the enemy of the good. And as I age and I get closer to the finish line, that becomes so much more clear to me.
Paul Assaiante
The louder you speak, the less that I hear.
Paul Assaiante
4 Protocols
Confronting Thorny Issues or Fears
Paul Assaiante- Ask yourself: 'What's the worst that can happen?'
- Address the concept of the worst-case scenario.
- Determine if it's truly a life-altering experience.
- If it is life-altering, come to grips with it.
- If it's not life-altering, question why you are making it a bigger deal than it is.
Managing Emotional Reactions (Oreo Cookie Analogy)
Paul Assaiante- Recognize that thoughts are one wafer and actions are another.
- Understand that 'cream' represents the time between thought and action.
- Actively work to increase the amount of 'cream' (time) between a thought and an action.
- This increased time allows for less knee-jerk, more considered responses.
Addressing Learned Negative Behaviors (e.g., Biting)
Paul Assaiante- Address the behavior during non-emotional times (e.g., driving to the mall), not at the moment of the incident.
- Use repetition to reinforce the message about the negative impact of the behavior.
- If an immediate danger is present, intervene to stop it, but understand that learning happens later.
- Later, in a calm moment, discuss the incident and what was learned.
Daily Task Management for Focus and Productivity
Paul Assaiante- Make a list of tasks before going to bed.
- Read the list once before sleeping.
- Upon waking, identify the task you are looking forward to the least.
- Do that least appealing task first to get it out of the way.
- Proceed with the rest of the day's tasks, which will feel more enjoyable.