Rey Flemings: A Different Definition of Success
Rey Flemings, co-founder and CEO of Myria, shares insights from his work with the ultra-wealthy, discussing the true nature of success beyond money, how to achieve the "impossible," and the importance of trust and community in society.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
The Ventilator Chase: An Impossible COVID-19 Mission
Myria's Concierge Services: Making the Impossible Possible
Spectrum of Concierge Requests: From Simple to Impossible
The Psychology of Wealth: Beyond Luxury to Post-Luxury
Distinguishing Between Being Rich and Being Wealthy
The Concept of 'Enough' and Grasping Large Numbers
Erosion of Societal Trust and Systemic Issues
Rebuilding Trust: Lessons from South Africa and Myria's Mission
Impact of Social Media on Happiness and Perception of Success
The Interconnected Ecosystem: Growing the Pie for Everyone
The Cost of Stupidity: Wasted Human Potential
Myria's Client Onboarding: Philosophical Questions for Self-Reflection
Wealth as an Amplifier: Worries of the Ultra-Rich
Parenting Wealthy Children: Challenges and Approaches
Personal Transformation and Defining Success
5 Key Concepts
Post-Luxury Mindset
This is a stage beyond merely acquiring luxury items. When people have everything they want financially, their focus shifts from material possessions to experiences, connections, and people, seeking deeper meaning and fulfillment.
Social Contagion
The idea that not only physical ailments like COVID or flu can spread, but also social phenomena like obesity, smoking, depression, happiness, and even ideas like the definition of success can spread through social networks.
Happy If/When
A psychological trap where individuals tie their happiness to achieving specific future goals (e.g., 'I'll be happy if I get the promotion,' 'I'll be happy when I reach $10 million'). Upon reaching the goal, the baseline for happiness shifts, leading to a continuous chase for the next goal without lasting satisfaction.
Inclusive Exclusivity
A philosophy where a community for successful people is not solely based on financial wealth, but also includes individuals who are changing the world in other fields, such as academics, artists, and business leaders, to foster broader connections and impact.
The Cost of Stupidity
A concept highlighting the immense waste of human potential and productivity due to societal inequalities and lack of trust. It quantifies the lost 'man-hours' that could be directed towards solving global issues if systemic problems were addressed.
5 Questions Answered
Yes, money can have negative effects, making people insensitive and isolating them. When financial desires are met, people often move from a luxury mindset to a 'post-luxury' phase, seeking experiences, connection, and community over material possessions.
Being 'rich' is often defined by the amount of money one has, leading to a continuous, unfulfilling chase for more. Being 'wealthy' involves a broader, more holistic definition of success that includes connectedness, relationships, health, and having 'enough' beyond just financial accumulation.
One approach is to foster honest and open conversations about societal problems, similar to South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission. It also involves broadening the definition of success beyond just money, encouraging the wealthiest to be more charitable and connected, and ensuring everyone earns a living wage.
Wealth tends to amplify existing worries. Clients often stress about safety and security, becoming targets for frivolous litigation, and the broader state of society. This can lead to isolation as they become more careful about who they trust.
Parents should strive to let their kids be themselves and be patient. It's also noted that children's expectations are shaped by their lifestyle, so trying to force a different lifestyle (e.g., a middle-class one) on them while living in extreme wealth can cause resentment.
24 Actionable Insights
1. Redefine Personal Success Beyond Money
Challenge the societal definition of success as solely accumulating money, as this pursuit has no end and can lead to a constant state of wanting more, even after achieving significant wealth.
2. Practice Deep Self-Reflection
Regularly ask yourself probing questions such as: ‘What do I want to have done in life?’, ‘What would loved ones say about me at my 80th birthday, and what’s the gap to today?’, and ‘If I had one year to live, what would I change?’ to gain clarity on your values, priorities, and desired legacy.
3. Confront Personal Challenges Directly
When confronted with difficult personal challenges or the need for significant change, face and embrace them directly rather than shying away or delaying, as confronting discomfort is essential for overcoming obstacles and achieving freedom.
4. Reframe Adversity for Growth
When facing major life crises or difficult challenges, try to reframe the experience by believing that things are happening ‘for you’ rather than ’to you,’ which can lead to profound personal growth and positive transformation.
5. Embark on an Inward Journey
Undertake an ‘inward journey’ of self-reconnection and understanding, stepping outside your own perspective to see yourself more honestly, as this process can lead to significant personal transformation and improvement in various life areas.
6. Avoid ‘Happy If/When’ Trap
Recognize the ‘happy if/when’ trap, where achieving a goal only shifts your baseline for happiness, leading to a continuous chase for the next goal without lasting satisfaction.
7. Broaden Your Trust Circle
Actively seek to expand your social circle beyond those directly related to your wealth or primary focus, connecting with diverse individuals who offer different perspectives and can provide honest feedback, counteracting the isolating effects of success.
8. Don’t Envy Unbalanced Success
Avoid envying individuals who achieve extreme success in one area (e.g., career, money) at the expense of other life domains (e.g., family, health), as their lives may be deeply unbalanced, and you wouldn’t want to trade your problems for theirs.
9. Prioritize Heartfelt Personal Success
Define success by prioritizing heartfelt personal aspects such as being a better parent, focusing on family, and fulfilling social responsibilities, recognizing that these contributions can be more meaningful than external achievements.
10. Grow the Collective Pie
Shift your mindset from competing for a larger share of a fixed ‘pie’ to collaborating on ways to ‘grow the pie’ for everyone, fostering collective prosperity over individual selfishness.
11. Collaborate to Change Systems
When facing systemic problems like inequality, focus on collaborating to change the underlying ‘game’ or system rather than solely blaming individuals who are operating within its existing rules.
12. Promote Honest, Open Conversations
Engage in honest and open conversations about societal problems, believing in humanity’s innate desire to do the right thing, to find positive and collaborative solutions rather than allowing divisiveness to escalate into conflict.
13. Actively Reconnect with Community
Actively seek opportunities to reconnect with diverse segments of society and your community, as isolation can lead to a narrow worldview, selfishness, and a lack of understanding of the full spectrum of human experience.
14. Value and Support Service Workers
Be nice to and tip well the people who provide services, ensuring they are taken care of, as this small act of kindness is often a ‘rounding error’ financially but contributes to a healthier, more respectful ecosystem.
15. Advocate for Living Wages
Advocate for and ensure living wages for all workers, recognizing that a system where people work long hours but cannot afford basic necessities is unsustainable and leads to societal breakdown.
16. Embrace Truth & Reconciliation Principles
Consider applying principles similar to South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission to address historical wrongs and societal divisions, encouraging open admission, accountability, and a path forward to restore trust and move past conflict.
17. Cultivate Inclusive Exclusive Communities
Foster communities that embrace ‘inclusive exclusivity,’ bringing together successful individuals from diverse fields (not just financially rich) who are actively changing the world, to collectively address societal problems and promote broader definitions of success.
18. Parent with Patience and Freedom
When raising children, practice patience and allow them the freedom to be themselves, as this approach is often associated with raising happy and successful individuals.
19. Avoid Over-Managing Children
Refrain from excessive ‘helicopter parenting’ or over-managing your children, as overly controlling or hands-on approaches, whether positive or negative, can strain parent-child relationships.
20. Align Lifestyle with Expectations
Ensure your family’s lifestyle aligns with the expectations you set for your children, as attempting to impose a different standard (e.g., expecting a middle-class work ethic while living an ultra-wealthy lifestyle) can lead to resentment and disconnect.
21. Cultivate Humility via Perspective
Use moments of profound perspective, like contemplating the vastness of knowledge (e.g., AI’s capabilities) or the ‘pale blue dot’ idea, to cultivate humility and a more realistic understanding of humanity’s place.
22. Grasp Large Numbers Intuitively
Develop a better intuitive grasp of large numbers (millions, billions) by relating them to understandable concepts like time (e.g., a million seconds is 12.5 days, a billion seconds is 32 years) to better comprehend their true scale and implications.
23. Prioritize Rebuilding Societal Trust
Actively work to rebuild trust within society, as the economy and social cohesion fundamentally rely on it, and its erosion leads to societal breakdown and division.
24. Address Compounding Human Problems
Shift focus from solely compounding personal wealth to addressing humanity’s problems, recognizing that these issues are compounding faster than individual financial growth, as exemplified by Warren Buffett’s realization.
6 Key Quotes
The difference between a million and a billion is the difference between a two-week paycheck and your entire career in time.
Rey Flemings
The problems of humanity are compounding faster than I can compound money.
Warren Buffett (quoted by Rey Flemings)
The entire economic system, we think it sits on money. The economy is based on trust. And when that trust breaks down, you see what you're seeing in our society today.
Rey Flemings
The more money you have, the fewer people you can trust. The more money you have, the harder it is for a person to look you in the eye and tell you the truth, just tell you things that you don't want to hear.
Rey Flemings
Going through it, I discovered that the things that were happening to me were not really happening to me. They were happening for me.
Rey Flemings
To be free of these things, you have to defeat them. Whatever that is, addiction to food or whatever these things, whatever problem it is for a person, you've got to face that thing whole on and conquer it.
Rey Flemings
2 Protocols
Myria's Five-Step Spectrum of Concierge Services
Rey Flemings- Simple: Anything purchasable on a web browser (e.g., Airbnb, Coachella tickets).
- Hard: Things available online but difficult to book (e.g., private jet booking).
- Off-Market: Items sellers want to sell but don't list publicly (e.g., artist credentials for a band).
- Difficult: Hard-to-access experiences (e.g., walking the red carpet at the Met Gala, being on stage with an artist).
- Impossible: Requests like the ventilator chase or obtaining armed security in a nation that doesn't allow it.
Myria's Client Self-Reflection Questions
Rey Flemings- What are the things you've done, been wanting to do, or are curious about (bucket list)?
- Imagine your 80th birthday: What would your closest loved ones say about you in their toast?
- If that birthday party was tonight, what would they say about you today?
- If there's a difference (delta) between those two answers, what do you want to do about it?
- If your doctor called right now and said you have one year to live, would you do anything differently than you're doing today? If so, why?
- Who matters in your life? Talk about your community.