#208 - Tragedy, grief, healing, and finding happiness | Kelsey Chittick
This episode features Kelsey Chittick, author of "Second Half," discussing her journey through grief after the sudden death of her husband, former NFL player Nate Hobgood-Chittick. She shares insights on coping with trauma, raising children through loss, and finding joy, including her experiences with psychedelics and radical acceptance.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
Kelsey Chittick's Background and Collegiate Athletic Career
Meeting Nate Hobgood-Chittick and Early Relationship
Nate's NFL Journey, Work Ethic, and Jeff Saturday's Story
Life as an NFL Player and the Physical Toll on the Body
Nate's Retirement and Difficult Transition to Civilian Life
Nate's Post-Football Health Struggles and Kelsey's Premonitions
The Traumatic Experience of Nate's Sudden Death in Jamaica
Breaking the News of Death to Children and Navigating Grief
The Darkest Days of Grief and Children's Different Healing Paths
Finding Happiness and a New Relationship with Death
Nate's Autopsy Results: Cardiomyopathy and CTE Diagnosis
Processing Trauma Through First Psychedelic Experience
The Therapeutic Potential of Psychedelics and Meditation
Embracing Radical Acceptance in the Face of Loss
The Process and Challenges of Writing Her Book
4 Key Concepts
Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE)
A neurodegenerative disease found in Nate's brain, characterized by lesions and symptoms like depression, increased drinking, fatigue, and anger outbursts, which can progress without obvious external signs of severe cognitive decline.
Radical Acceptance
The practice of acknowledging and accepting 'what is' without resistance or wishing for things to be different, which can lead to peace and reduce suffering, especially in the context of profound loss.
Grief as Physical Pain
The experience of grief is not just mental or emotional, but also intensely physical, described as a sensation of being 'set on fire' or an overwhelming pain that makes one want to escape their body.
State vs. Trait Changing Drugs
A framework for understanding drugs where some, like alcohol or cocaine, primarily alter one's temporary state without leading to lasting personal growth, while others, like certain psychedelics, can change one's state and, if used correctly, facilitate beneficial, long-term trait changes.
9 Questions Answered
Children tend to live more in the present moment, are less likely to project future losses, and may not be ready to process trauma verbally right away, often preferring to forget for a bit to integrate what they saw.
Nate died of cardiomyopathy of the left ventricle, with 98% blocked arteries, and was later diagnosed with Stage 2, almost Stage 3, Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE).
Grief and trauma can manifest as intense physical pain, described as feeling 'set on fire,' leading to a desire to escape one's own body.
Yes, for Kelsey, a psychedelic experience helped her revisit traumatic events with support, access deep-seated anger, and establish a new, peaceful connection with her deceased husband, leading to a sense of freedom and reduced fear.
Radical acceptance is the practice of fully embracing 'what is' without resistance or wishing for a different reality, which Kelsey found to be key in finding peace and moving forward after profound loss.
The best way to honor a deceased person is to live a joyful life that they would have wanted for you if they were still alive.
State-changing drugs, like alcohol or cocaine, temporarily alter one's experience without necessarily leading to lasting personal improvement, whereas trait-changing drugs, such as psilocybin or MDMA, can, if used correctly, facilitate long-term positive changes in one's character or perspective.
For Kelsey, the deep shock and grief began to subside around three and a half to four years after Nate's death, as new neural pathways formed and she adjusted to a life without him.
Nate admitted he never truly loved playing football but valued it for providing him access to people, allowing him to connect and share his deeper interests in love and purpose, rather than the sport itself.
24 Actionable Insights
1. Practice Radical Acceptance
Practice radical acceptance by letting go of resistance and wishing things were different, as this resistance is what causes suffering and prevents transformation. This mindset helps you navigate difficult realities by accepting ‘what is’ rather than fighting against it.
2. Commit to Daily Meditation
Adopt a militant daily meditation practice, like Kelsey did with Dispenza’s work, to cultivate peace, change thoughts, and gain agency over your feelings. Consistent meditation helps you recognize that feelings are transient and that you can influence your emotional state.
3. Integrate Psychedelics with Therapy
Combine psychedelic experiences with traditional therapy to maximize their potential as ’lubricants’ for difficult inner work, ensuring lasting trait changes beyond the altered state. This approach helps open blocked pathways and process trauma with support.
4. Cultivate Agency Over Feelings
Recognize that feelings are transient and that you have agency to change them by altering your thoughts or choosing to stop a thought, rather than being consumed by them. This practice helps you gain control over your emotional responses and fosters inner peace.
5. Build Resilience Through Consistent Work
Commit to consistent ‘work’ such as meditation, reading, and practicing gratitude, as these are the planks that build a bridge to overcome challenges and foster confidence. This ongoing effort supports your ability to navigate difficult periods and emerge stronger.
6. Actively Fight for Joy in Grief
Even in the midst of excruciating pain and grief, actively fight for and acknowledge joy, embracing the duality of experiencing both deep sorrow and happiness simultaneously. This approach allows for healing without denying the pain of loss.
7. Honor Deceased by Living Joyfully
Honor your lost loved ones by living the joyful life they would have wanted for you, rather than letting grief consume your future. This perspective reframes loss into a motivation for a fulfilling life.
8. Prioritize Presence in Relationships
Make a conscious effort to put away distractions like phones and be fully present with loved ones, fostering deeper connection and valuing shared moments. This simple act can significantly strengthen your bonds and create meaningful interactions.
9. Foster Relational Psychological Safety
Cultivate an environment of psychological safety in your relationships to encourage honest communication, preventing fear from leading to withholding truth or resentment. This creates a space where partners feel safe to share their true feelings and challenges.
10. Communicate Safety to Grieving Children
When talking to grieving children, reassure them they will be okay, that you are enough to care for them, and that they are not victims, to provide a sense of security and resilience. This direct and empowering communication helps children feel safe and supported during profound loss.
11. Manage Grief-Related Media Consumption
Be intentional about when and how you engage with photos and videos of deceased loved ones, allowing yourself to feel emotions at appropriate times without letting them become all-consuming. This practice helps prevent overwhelming sadness and supports gradual healing.
12. Schedule Time to Process Emotions
Set aside specific, limited times to intentionally feel and process intense emotions, allowing yourself to ‘close the door’ on them when needed to prevent being overwhelmed. This structured approach helps manage emotional intensity and prevents emotions from consuming your entire day.
13. Consider Psychedelics for Trauma
If ready and with proper support, consider psychedelics like psilocybin for grief and trauma work, as they can help access and process deeply buried emotions and foster healing. These experiences can provide a unique pathway to confront and integrate traumatic memories.
14. Recognize Alcohol’s Depressant Effect
Be aware that alcohol is a depressant and can exacerbate anxiety and sadness, prompting consideration of reduced or eliminated consumption if it negatively impacts emotional well-being. Understanding this can lead to healthier coping mechanisms during difficult times.
15. Remove Means for Suicidal Children
If a child expresses suicidal thoughts, immediately remove any means of self-harm from the home, prioritizing their safety above all else.
16. Be Mindful of Parental Grief’s Impact
Understand that children can be scared by seeing parents constantly sobbing; while grieving, strive to maintain a sense of safety and stability for your kids. It’s important to show them that you are okay, even as you process your own pain.
17. Seek Self-Help for Anxiety
When experiencing anxiety, actively seek out self-help and spiritual books or resources, as they can provide tools and insights for managing and overcoming fear. Proactively engaging with these resources can build a ’toolkit’ for future challenges.
18. Trust Experienced Advice in Crisis
In times of crisis or profound loss, trust the advice of those who have already navigated similar experiences, as their wisdom can provide invaluable guidance. Their direct experience offers a unique perspective that can help you through your own challenges.
19. Embrace Nuance and Confliction
Allow yourself to hold conflicting beliefs and embrace nuance on complex topics, recognizing that having all the answers isn’t always necessary and can lead to greater understanding. This mindset fosters intellectual humility and openness.
20. Write for Healing and Legacy
Consider writing down your personal story, especially after a significant loss, both as a therapeutic process for yourself and to create a lasting legacy for future generations. This act can help you process experiences and preserve memories.
21. Be Honest About Grief’s Duality
When sharing experiences of grief, be honest about both the good and the bad, acknowledging the multifaceted nature of emotions rather than presenting a one-sided view. This authenticity can resonate with others and foster deeper connection.
22. Prioritize Child Safety in Sports
Parents should carefully consider the risks of contact sports like football, prioritizing their child’s long-term health and safety over participation. This involves weighing the potential for injury against the benefits of the sport.
23. Be Proactive About Health
Take proactive steps to learn about and care for your body, seeking out good health professionals and practices like physical therapy and ice baths. Early and consistent attention to health can prevent future complications.
24. Establish a North Star in Crisis
During a personal crisis, identify a clear guiding principle or ‘North Star’ to help navigate difficult decisions and maintain focus on what truly matters. This guiding principle provides direction when you feel lost or overwhelmed.
7 Key Quotes
Baby girl, I don't know what you're going through or what awaits you on the other side of this plane. But I want you to know that there are so many people praying for you. God loves you and I love you and you are stronger than you think. Slow your breathing down, baby girl, and decide who you want to be when you land, when this plane lands.
Jamaican woman
Your father would have never left us if we weren't going to be okay. It just wasn't his style.
Kelsey Chittick
The resistance to that and the wishing it was different is what kills you.
Kelsey Chittick
If you want to honor your dead person, the best way to do it is live the life they would want you to live if they were here.
Kelsey Chittick
You're already dead because you're so afraid of everything.
Guy at Estonia event
You want all big muscles, just not a big heart.
Doctor
My time's over. I did my part. Don't worry about me. He's like, it's exceptional where I am.
Nate Hobgood-Chittick (during psychedelic experience)