#339 - Unpacking trauma: How early wounds shape behavior and the path toward healing | Jeff English

1. Shift to “What Happened to Me”

Reframe your personal narrative from “what’s wrong with me” to “what happened to me” to understand behaviors as adaptive responses to past experiences, providing explanation, not excuse.

2. Reframe Trauma Definition

Understand trauma as “moments of perceived helplessness” that activate the limbic system, rather than only “big T” events, to recognize its broader impact on individuals.

3. Understand Trauma Roots

Recognize the five roots of trauma: abuse, neglect, enmeshment, abandonment, and tragic events, as these are the “what happened to me” experiences that shape adaptive behaviors.

4. Identify Trauma Manifestations

Recognize the four branches of trauma’s manifestations: codependency, addictive patterns, attachment issues, and survival strategies, all stemming from insecurity and broken trust.

5. Reframe Maladaptive Behaviors

View current problematic behaviors as “ingenious damage control strategies” or “old friends” that once served a purpose for survival, but may now be making life difficult.

6. Cultivate Self-Awareness for Response

Develop an internal voice and “new muscle” of self-awareness to notice when you are triggered (e.g., becoming judgmental) and create space to choose your next step, moving from automatic reaction to conscious response.

7. Engage Painful Work for Breakthroughs

Actively engage in the difficult and painful work of understanding your story and mapping your trauma, as “eureka moments” and significant breakthroughs are unlikely to occur if you remain in a state of distraction or numbing behaviors.

8. Expand Vulnerability Tolerance

Actively work to expand your “window of tolerance” for vulnerability by intentionally doing something different when feeling vulnerable, rather than resorting to old protective behaviors, to build new muscle memory and challenge core beliefs about safety.

9. Befriend Vulnerability for Connection

Recognize that true connection requires vulnerability, and instead of letting vulnerability overwhelm you or trigger protective, disconnected behaviors, learn to “befriend” it to avoid inadvertently bringing about the very outcomes you fear most.

10. Break Generational Trauma Cycles

Recognize that your healing work is not just for yourself but also for future generations, as it provides an opportunity to reverse cycles of trauma and create a healthier environment for your children to grow up without fear.

11. Set Boundaries with Consequences

In relationships where vulnerability isn’t reciprocated, set clear, healthy boundaries using “I statements” that focus on your feelings and actions, and include a consequence that you can enforce, as a boundary without a consequence is ineffective.

12. Practice “Outside Matching Inside”

Rigorously practice expressing your true internal state (“letting your outside match your inside”) with as much honesty as possible, as this builds muscle memory for vulnerability, especially with those closest to you.

13. Practice “I Statements”

Use “I statements” (e.g., “I get angry when you…”) to express your feelings and needs directly, rather than making generalizations or blaming, to foster healthier communication and build new muscle memory.

14. Express Fear Directly

Practice expressing your fears directly and honestly to others, as saying “it scares me to death” is often one of the bravest and most vulnerable things you can say, fostering genuine connection.

15. Differentiate Guilt from Shame

Understand that guilt is about making a mistake (“I did something wrong”), which has a path to apology and resolution, while toxic shame is about being a mistake (“I am wrong”), indicating a deeper, flawed identity that requires different healing.

16. Practice “Not Doing” Compulsive Behaviors

For compulsive behaviors and complex post-traumatic stress, actively practice “not doing” the habitual action, as this breaks old neural connections and builds new ones, rather than just announcing your intention to change.

17. Address Resistance to Action

If you find yourself unable to consistently implement behavioral changes despite “knowing” what to do, recognize that this resistance may indicate a deeper, unintegrated trauma that needs to be explored and healed.

18. Identify Non-Substance Powerlessness

Recognize that powerlessness can extend beyond substances to behaviors like “image management,” caretaking, or control, and applying this lens to self-reflection can lead to an “aha moment” about your own patterns.

19. Connect Discomfort to Implicit Memory

Recognize that current discomforts like anxiety or panic attacks might be a way your body remembers past “moments of perceived helplessness,” even if you don’t have explicit memories, serving as coordinates for therapeutic exploration.

20. Use Hysterical Reactions as Guide

View “hysterical” reactions as a gift that can point to “historical” unresolved trauma, suggesting that while medication can stabilize, deeper work is needed to address the root cause rather than just treating symptoms.

21. Minimize Distractions for Presence

Reduce distractions like phones, cigarettes, or other numbing agents to foster presence and vulnerability, as being present “where your feet are” is crucial for engaging in deep personal work.

22. Engage Mindful Downtime Activities

Utilize downtime for activities that promote presence and self-discovery, whether it’s reading, playing games, or engaging in simple, absorbing tasks like coloring or dot-to-dot puzzles, to create space for internal processing.

23. Use Journaling for Self-Awareness

Engage in journaling as an excellent way to check in with yourself, identify “which me’s in the driver’s seat,” and cultivate mindfulness, helping you integrate new practices into your daily life.

24. Avoid Minimizing Past Experiences

Do not minimize past traumatic or difficult experiences by saying “it wasn’t that bad” or “a lot of people have it worse,” as minimizing is an adaptive damage control strategy that prevents addressing the true impact on your behaviors and emotions.

25. Assess Adaptive Behaviors’ Impact

Evaluate your “protective parts” or adaptive behaviors (e.g., ambition, perfectionism, hyper-vigilance) not to retire them, but to assess if they are currently “making life hard” in situations where they are no longer serving you well.

26. Recognize Commonality in Trauma

Understand that your experiences and maladaptive behaviors are not unique, and finding commonality with others can be a calming and validating message that helps reduce feelings of isolation and shame.

27. Seek Breakthroughs in Beliefs

Understand that profound, instant breakthroughs can shatter old belief systems and lead to immediate acceptance of a more honest reality, making subsequent changes much easier to implement.

28. Choose Therapist with Depth, Challenge

When seeking a therapist, prioritize personal referrals and look for professionals with depth in specific areas (rather than many specialties), who challenge you and leave you feeling apprehensive going in but exhausted coming out, as this indicates genuine work towards change.

29. Seek Therapists Who’ve Done Work

Look for therapists who have personally engaged in their own healing journeys, as their lived experience can foster deeper trust and connection, especially when asking clients to undertake difficult therapeutic work.

30. Permit Changing Therapists

Understand that not all therapeutic relationships are a good match, and give yourself permission to end a relationship and find a new therapist if, after an adequate amount of time, you feel the current one isn’t working or fostering change.

31. Consider Immersive Therapy

If you are in a state where profound change feels necessary, consider immersive residential therapy programs, as the total immersion can accelerate the healing process beyond what weekly sessions might achieve, similar to learning a language by moving to a new country.

32. Practice Rolling with Resistance

When interacting with someone who is resistant to change or irrational, avoid fighting for change directly; instead, “roll with their resistance” by validating their perspective or even “selling crazy back to them” to create an opening for them to suggest rationality.

33. Seek Therapy for Self-Improvement

Engage in therapy for authentic self-improvement, not just to appease others, as genuine willingness for personal growth is key to the therapeutic process.

34. Break Rules to Challenge Patterns

If you are a lifelong rule-follower, consider intentionally breaking a minor, harmless rule to challenge ingrained patterns of compliance and experience doing something different.

35. Listen to Your Inner Voice

Pay attention to any inner voice, even a whisper, that suggests something needs to be addressed, as ignoring it means “you’re either going to deal with it or it’s going to deal with you.”

36. Avoid Rescuing Others

Resist the urge to “rescue” others from their emotional discomfort (e.g., by handing them a Kleenex when they are crying), as this can cut off their own process of feeling and asking for what they need, and may be a way of rescuing yourself from your own discomfort.

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