#72 - Dan Harris: 10% happier – meditation, kindness, and compassion
Dan Harris, ABC News correspondent and co-founder of Ten Percent Happier, discusses his journey from a live TV panic attack, fueled by addiction and insecurity, to discovering meditation. He shares practical advice for new meditators, dispels myths, and highlights the self-interested benefits of kindness and compassion.
Deep Dive Analysis
20 Topic Outline
Introduction to Dan Harris and the 10% Happier App
Dan's Panic Attack on Live Television
Exploring the Roots of Dan's Drive and Addiction
Addiction as a Spectrum: Socially Acceptable Forms
Childhood Insecurities and Intergenerational Trauma
The Self-Interested Case for Kindness and Compassion
Mindfulness as an Antidote to Anger and Grandiosity
Dan's Skeptical Journey to Discovering Meditation
Misconceptions About Meditation: State vs. Trait
Distinguishing Between Being Present and Being Mindful
Buddhism 101: The Buddha's Story and Four Noble Truths
Dan's First Meditation Session and Initial Humility
Lessons from a 10-Day Silent Meditation Retreat
Evolution of Dan's Meditation Practice Over a Decade
Impact of a 360 Review on Self-Perception and Growth
Applying Meditation to Personal Crises: Cancer and Infertility
How Meditation Improves Marital Relationships
Preventing the Transmission of Shame and Trauma to Children
Reconciling Professional Ambition with Inner Peace
The Importance of Letting Children See Parental Flaws
9 Key Concepts
Addiction as a Spectrum
Addiction isn't limited to extreme cases like drug abuse; it exists on a spectrum encompassing common behaviors like phone use, professional success, shopping, or drinking. People with socially acceptable addictions may be at a disadvantage because their behaviors are often rewarded, delaying recognition of the problem.
The Voice in Your Head / Monkey Mind
This refers to the incessant inner narrator or running dialogue in our minds, constantly thinking about the past or future. If one is unaware of this nonstop conversation, it can control and cause suffering, as described in Buddhist philosophy.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the ability to know what is happening in your head at any given moment without getting carried away by it. It is a skill developed through meditation that allows for self-awareness of inner weather, preventing emotions from dictating reactions.
Being Present vs. Mindful
Being present means being fully engaged in the current moment, like a Labrador or a young child, without dwelling on the past or future. Mindfulness adds a metacognitive layer, meaning you are present and also *aware* that you are present, observing your consciousness without being swept away by it.
State vs. Trait (in Meditation)
Meditation is not primarily about achieving a specific calm or blissful state during the practice itself. Instead, the goal is to cultivate lasting changes in one's character and daily life (traits), such as improved emotional regulation and clearer perception, that extend beyond the meditation session.
Four Noble Truths
These are the seminal teachings of the Buddha: 1) Life is inherently unsatisfactory because everything is impermanent, leading to suffering if one clings to things. 2) The root of this suffering is desire or insatiability. 3) There is a way out of this suffering. 4) The Eightfold Path is the way to end suffering, encompassing ethical and meditation practices.
Wise Selfishness
This concept, attributed to the Dalai Lama, suggests that being kind and compassionate is the ultimate form of selfishness. It means acting kindly not just for others, but because it leads to greater personal happiness, health, and popularity, as supported by scientific evidence.
Helper's High
This describes the physiological and psychological benefits experienced when helping others. Acts of service or kindness release feel-good chemicals in the brain, similar to the pleasure derived from eating chocolate, making it a universally rewarding human experience.
Piti
A Pali word referring to a body high or rapture that can arise from deep concentration during meditation. It manifests as pleasant physical sensations like tingling, but meditators are cautioned not to become overly focused on desiring this state.
11 Questions Answered
The pivotal moment was a panic attack Dan experienced live on national television in 2004, which he later discovered was linked to self-medicating with cocaine after returning from war zones.
Dan's childhood insecurity about wealth compared to peers and a desire for self-protection, possibly linked to intergenerational trauma and a stern grandfather, fueled his professional ambition and created an itch he constantly tried to scratch.
Kindness and compassion are beneficial not just for others, but for one's own well-being; compassionate people are often happier, healthier, more successful, and more popular, making it a form of 'wise selfishness' that feels good in the moment.
Mindfulness, the ability to observe one's thoughts and emotions without being carried away, allows individuals to see the 'honey tip but poison root' of anger and the discomfort of grandiosity, enabling them to choose not to react impulsively.
The historical Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama, was a prince who, after witnessing suffering, sought enlightenment by transcending greed, hatred, and confusion. His core teachings, the Four Noble Truths, explain that life is unsatisfactory due to impermanence and desire, but there is a path (the Eightfold Path) to reduce suffering.
New meditators often mistakenly believe the goal is to stop thinking or achieve a specific blissful state, leading to discouragement. The actual goal is to notice when the mind wanders and gently return to the object of focus (like the breath), cultivating self-awareness rather than a particular feeling.
Trying too hard in meditation, driven by the desire for a specific outcome, can create internal resistance. The key is to surrender to the process, simply noticing what arises without judgment or effort to make something special happen, allowing genuine presence to unfold.
Over 10 years, Dan's practice has led to quicker recognition of distractions and a warmer, less self-critical reaction to them. He also experiences more pleasant sensations and a 'body high' (piti) due to improved concentration, though he cautions against desiring these states.
After a devastating 360 review, one can process it by focusing on positive feedback first, then examining negative feedback with curiosity rather than shame. It's helpful to understand that unskillful behaviors often served a primordial need, allowing for a warmer, more accepting approach to self-improvement.
Parents can prevent transmitting shame by being open about their own flaws and struggles, modeling a supple and warm relationship with their inner demons. This teaches children that it's okay to have imperfections and provides them with tools to navigate their own complexities without shame.
While negative drives like insecurity can fuel ambition, it's possible to shift the ratio towards more wholesome motivations like service, leading to a more enjoyable and less 'clenched up' approach to work. This may involve redefining success and operating from a place of feeling safe, rather than constantly angling for the next achievement.
21 Actionable Insights
1. Understand Addiction as Spectrum
Recognize that addiction isn’t limited to substance abuse but extends to many behaviors like phone use, professional success, or shopping. Identifying these patterns is a critical first step towards change and self-awareness.
2. Cultivate Mindfulness for Self-Awareness
Develop the ability to know what’s happening in your mind at any given moment without being carried away by it. This skill, primarily developed through meditation, helps you observe your inner weather without being consumed by it.
3. Recognize Thoughts Are Not You
Become aware of the constant inner dialogue and understand that this stream of thoughts is separate from your true self. Unobserved, this ‘voice in your head’ can be a significant source of suffering.
4. Meditate for Trait Changes
Focus on how meditation improves your behavior and mindset in daily life (e.g., better responses to stress), rather than expecting constant bliss or calm during the meditation session itself. The goal is to get better at life, not just meditation.
5. Embrace Kindness for Well-being
Engage in acts of kindness and compassion, not just for altruism, but because it releases feel-good chemicals and improves your own happiness, health, and popularity. This ‘wise selfishness’ benefits both yourself and others.
6. Act on Kind Impulses
If you notice an impulse to give something or compliment someone, follow through. These small acts can make you feel good and have positive, unpredictable effects on your inner state and the world around you.
7. Reframe Anger and Grandiosity
Use mindfulness to observe the fleeting pleasure (the ‘honey tip’) of anger or grandiosity, and the subsequent negative feelings or shame (the ‘poison root’). This awareness helps break the cycle and allows for more skillful responses.
8. Explore Primordial Wounds
Work with a coach or therapist to uncover early life needs (love, safety, belonging) and how unaddressed issues from your past might be unconsciously controlling your adult life. Understanding these ‘five-year-old logic’ patterns is key to personal growth.
9. Avoid ‘Trying Too Hard’
Cultivate genuine surrender and allow whatever happens to happen during meditation, as excessive effort or desire for specific outcomes (like bliss or a breakthrough) can actually hinder the practice. It’s like a video game where not wanting to move forward is the only way to progress.
10. Respond to Distractions Warmly
When your mind wanders or judges yourself during meditation, respond with acceptance and warmth rather than self-flagellation. This fosters a more positive inner environment and teaches your mind that self-awareness isn’t a punishment.
11. Use Feedback for Growth
When confronted with critical feedback (e.g., a 360 review), approach it with curiosity and a desire to understand the underlying needs driving unskillful behaviors, rather than falling into shame or self-flagellation. Self-knowledge, though sometimes ‘bad news,’ is always useful.
12. Focus on Positive Feedback
Consciously direct your attention to positive comments when receiving mixed feedback to balance the natural evolutionary tendency to dwell on negatives. This helps counteract the negativity bias and provides a more balanced self-perception.
13. Model Flaws for Children
Allow your children to see your struggles, imperfections, and efforts to improve. This demonstrates that it’s okay to have flaws and to work on them, thereby reducing the transmission of shame and equipping them to relate to their own complexities.
14. Be of Service to Loved Ones
Step up to be useful and supportive to someone you love, especially during their suffering. Being of service feels inherently good (the ‘helper’s high’) and fosters deeper connection and personal growth.
15. Cultivate Better Communication Skills
Practice active listening and phrase assertions less provocatively to improve day-to-day interactions and foster smoother relationships. This involves training your baseline level of friendliness and ability to lean in.
16. Re-evaluate Professional Success
Consider if your current definition of success aligns with your overall well-being. It may be beneficial to shift focus from constant ambition to enjoying current work and pursuing other passions, even if it means stepping back from traditional career peaks.
17. Shift Motivations to Wholesome
Consciously work to reduce the influence of purely external drivers like seeking attention or wealth, and instead cultivate motivations rooted in service and genuine enjoyment. This allows you to operate from a ‘cooler space’ with less internal friction.
18. Operate from Feeling Safe
Recognize your baseline security and approach daily tasks and meetings from a relaxed, appreciative state, rather than being driven by high stakes or clenching up. This mindset can change how you show up and improve outcomes.
19. Be Patient with Meditation
Understand that meditation is not a magic fix but a gradual journey of marginal improvements, and occasional setbacks or ‘backsliding’ are a normal part of the process. Consistency over perfection is key.
20. Avoid Recreational Drugs
Do not use recreational drugs, especially cocaine, as they can alter brain chemistry and increase the likelihood of panic attacks and other adverse mental health outcomes. Seek healthier ways to cope with stress or depression.
21. Don’t Evangelize Meditation
While meditation can be transformative, avoid pushing it on others. Instead, share your personal experience and insights when it feels natural and productive, allowing others to discover it on their own terms.
7 Key Quotes
Addiction is a spectrum. You may think you're not an addict because you don't have a needle hanging out of your arm. But that needle hanging out of your arm is just the extreme end of the spectrum. But we're all addicted to lots of things.
Dan Harris
Anger... has a honey tip, but a poison root.
Dan Harris (attributing to the Buddha)
We don't meditate to get better at meditation, meditate to get better at life.
Dan Harris
Self-knowledge is always bad news.
Joseph Goldstein
You're trying too hard. Don't try too hard. Just do, you know, notice your breath when it's coming in and when it's going out. When you get distracted, start again. Don't, you know, you're going to get distracted. Don't try to make anything special happen. Just stop trying to hurt.
Spring Washam (as told by Dan Harris)
If you try too hard, you will tangle yourself up in knots. One of the classic hindrances to meditation is desire. If you want it too hard, you're going to shoot yourself in the foot. It's like a weird video game where the only way to move forward is to not want to move forward.
Dan Harris
The 10% Happier spirit... there is no magic. It's really about marginal improvement over time with an escape valve for backsliding. Because that's just, I think my understanding of how human behavior works based on an end of one. But I think it's a pretty universal, I think we're all kind of in the same bucket in some ways.
Dan Harris
2 Protocols
Beginner Meditation Practice
Dan Harris- Sit down and set a timer for a few minutes.
- Focus on the feeling of your breath coming in and going out.
- When you notice your mind has become distracted (which is inevitable), gently bring your attention back to your breath.
- Repeat this process of noticing distraction and returning to the breath over and over, celebrating each time you notice you've wandered.
Processing a 360 Review for Self-Improvement
Jerry Colonna (as described by Dan Harris)- Review the positive feedback first, allowing yourself to acknowledge strengths.
- Approach the negative feedback with curiosity and interest, rather than shame or self-flagellation.
- Identify underlying, often unskillful, primordial needs that the negative behaviors might have been serving.
- Cultivate a warm, accepting relationship with these past patterns, acknowledging they are no longer needed, and work towards more skillful responses.