BITESIZE | How to Be Confident in Any Situation | Vanessa Van Edwards #295
This episode features Vanessa Van Edwards, an expert in nonverbal communication, who shares techniques to transform confidence. She discusses how to find your authentic "flavor" of confidence and leverage nonverbal cues like warmth and competence to appear more charismatic and trustworthy.
Deep Dive Analysis
9 Topic Outline
Confidence as a Cyclical Process
Finding Your Unique 'Flavor' of Confidence
Authentic vs. Inauthentic Confidence and Its Impact
The Importance of Nonverbal Communication
Two Fundamental Questions People Ask When Meeting Others
Charisma as a Blend of Warmth and Competence
Practical Nonverbal Cues to Increase Warmth
Practical Nonverbal Cues to Increase Competence
Leveraging Your Natural Communication Cues
5 Key Concepts
Social Overthinker
A person who struggles with confidence due to excessive analysis and worry in social situations. Vanessa Van Edwards identifies herself as a 'recovering awkward person' who experienced this problem.
Authentic Confidence
A genuine feeling of self-assurance that positively 'infects' other people, making them feel happier and more confident. It is rooted in true internal states rather than faking a demeanor.
Inauthentic Confidence
Pretending to be confident, such as faking an extroverted demeanor or a smile. This type of confidence is less memorable and less impactful on others, as it does not elicit a positive mood or behavior change.
Nonverbal Communication
The majority of how humans communicate, estimated to be 65-90% of all communication. It includes body language, facial expressions, and other cues beyond spoken words, and is crucial for conveying trust and reliability.
Charisma (Warmth and Competence)
A magnetic quality that draws people in, defined as a blend of warmth (friendliness, likability, trust, openness) and competence (capability, efficiency, productivity, reliability). People are drawn to those who are both friendly and effective.
6 Questions Answered
No, you do not. Confidence and likability come in many 'flavors,' including the quiet, powerful introvert or the nurturing, empathetic healer, not just the bubbly extrovert.
Authentic confidence stems from genuine positive feelings and can positively 'infect' others, making them feel happier. Inauthentic confidence, like a fake smile, has no mood or behavior change impact on others and makes you less memorable.
A significant majority, estimated to be about 65% to 90% of all communication, meaning words are only a small portion of how we convey messages.
When people meet, they chronologically try to answer: 'Can I trust you?' (do you have good intention?) and then 'Can I rely on you?' (are you smart/capable?).
Charisma is a blend of warmth (friendliness, likability, trust) and competence (capability, efficiency, reliability). People are drawn to those who are both friendly and capable.
Competence without warmth can make people suspicious, leading them to perceive you as cold, intimidating, or hard to talk to, even if you are authentically trustworthy and likable.
11 Actionable Insights
1. Identify Your Confidence Style
Reflect on your unique ‘flavor of confidence’ instead of trying to emulate an extrovert or someone else, as authentic confidence is more impactful and allows you to feel genuinely yourself.
2. Embrace Authentic Confidence
Understand that truly confident and authentic nonverbal cues positively ‘infect’ others, making you more memorable and impactful, whereas faking confidence leads to no mood or behavior change in others.
3. Prioritize Nonverbal Communication
Recognize that 65-90% of communication is nonverbal, so focus energy beyond just words to effectively convey messages and avoid operating at a fraction of your full communication ability.
4. Clearly Signal Trust & Reliance
Aim to quickly and clearly signal trust (warmth) and reliance (competence) through your cues in interactions, as this makes you more magnetic by providing clarity and reducing mental work for others.
5. Cultivate Warmth and Competence
Develop charisma by consciously blending warmth (friendliness, likability, trust) and competence (capability, efficiency, productivity) in your interactions, as people are drawn to those who are both friendly and reliable.
6. Leverage Natural Cues
Identify and leverage the nonverbal cues you naturally use and those that make you feel like your best self or feel good when others use them, to enhance authenticity and confidence.
7. Adopt Charismatic Cues
Observe the most charismatic people you know and identify the specific nonverbal cues they use, then consider trying those cues yourself to enhance your own communication.
8. Use Slow Triple Nod
To increase warmth and encourage others to speak longer, use a slow triple nod (one, two, three) while listening.
9. Employ Head Tilt When Listening
To make others feel more engaged and dial up warmth, subtly tilt your head to the side while listening.
10. Use Open Palm Gesture
To signal openness and competence, use open palm gestures, such as starting interactions with an open hand, to show you are not hiding or concealing anything.
11. Maximize Shoulder-Ear Space
To project competence and avoid appearing anxious, consciously maximize the distance between your earlobes and shoulders, preventing the instinctive protective gesture of rolling shoulders up.
8 Key Quotes
The more confident we feel, the better we come across. And even like if we start on the outside, then it also works in.
Vanessa Van Edwards
I do not believe you have to be an extrovert to be confident or to be likable.
Vanessa Van Edwards
When you are truly confident, you actually infect other people positively. When you are faking it, when you're trying to pretend to be an extrovert, you are less memorable. You are literally less impactful.
Vanessa Van Edwards
Most communication is not really with our words, is it? It's that nonverbal communication.
Dr. Rangan Chatterjee
About 65 to 90% of our communication is nonverbal.
Vanessa Van Edwards
We are drawn to people who very quickly signal trust, trust, trust, and then reliance.
Vanessa Van Edwards
Charisma is a blend of warmth and competence.
Dr. Rangan Chatterjee
We love being around people who both are friendly to us and do what they say they're going to do. That is, I think the definition of highly charismatic, magnetic people.
Vanessa Van Edwards
2 Protocols
Increasing Warmth Cues
Vanessa Van Edwards- Use a slow triple nod (one, two, three) while listening.
- Tilt your head to the side while listening.
Increasing Competence Cues
Vanessa Van Edwards- Use open palms (e.g., starting video calls with an open-hand gesture to show openness).
- Maximize the space between your earlobes and shoulders by relaxing your shoulders down (avoid shrugging shoulders up to ears, which is a protective gesture).