How to Build Exceptional Relationships and Why You Should with David Bradford and Carole Robin #177

1. Own Your Reality (“Over the Net”)

In interactions, stick to expressing your own reality (your intentions, behaviors, and their impact on you) and avoid making assumptions or imputations about others’ motives or intentions, as this prevents defensiveness and fosters clearer communication.

2. Distinguish Feelings from Thoughts

Learn to differentiate between genuine feelings (e.g., upset, dismissed) and thoughts or opinions (e.g., “I feel that you don’t care”); if you can replace “I feel” with “I think” and it still makes sense, it’s likely a thought, not a feeling.

3. Embrace Conflict as Necessary

Recognize that conflict is not a sign of a failing relationship but an impossible-to-avoid and necessary part of building truly exceptional and robust connections, often leading to growth and deeper understanding.

4. Raise Issues with Positive Intent

When taking the risk to raise difficult issues, do so with the intention of expressing your hurt or desire for more, rather than attacking, as this approach usually leads to positive outcomes and strengthens the relationship.

5. Recognize Cost of Silence

Understand that while expressing feelings and raising issues carries risk, remaining silent about problems also has a significant cost, potentially leading to resentment, stalled relationships, and missed opportunities for growth.

6. Commit to Mutual Growth

Be committed to each other’s personal growth in relationships, which may involve raising difficult issues out of genuine care and belief in the other person’s potential for improvement.

7. Authentic Self-Expression

Strive to be your true self in relationships, avoiding the creation of an image or pretending to be someone you are not, as authenticity fosters deeper connection and personal validation.

8. Enable Others’ Authenticity

Actively work to create an environment where others feel safe and able to be their true selves, fostering mutual humanity and deeper connection in your interactions.

9. Build Disclosure Trust

Cultivate a relationship where both parties trust that shared personal information will not be used against each other, ensuring psychological safety and encouraging deeper self-revelation.

10. Practice Direct Honesty

Aim for direct honesty in communication, telling the truth without requiring the other person to read between the lines, which builds trust and clarity.

11. Resolve Conflict Productively

Acknowledge that disagreements are natural and strive to raise and resolve conflicts in a manner that strengthens the relationship, rather than avoiding or suppressing them.

12. Choose to Be Known

Make a conscious choice to take the risk of sharing parts of yourself to become better known, as this can lead to greater influence, personal validation, and deeper connection.

13. Embrace Feedback as a Gift

Choose to receive feedback as a valuable gift and data point, which empowers you to make more informed choices and learn about yourself and your impact on others.

14. Commit to Learning & Growth

Make a conscious choice to continuously learn and grow, as this mindset is crucial for personal development and improving the quality of your relationships.

15. Cultivate Curiosity

Actively choose to be more curious about others and situations, as this is a fundamental aspect of building stronger relationships and understanding.

16. Feedback for Problem Solving

Understand that the primary purpose of giving feedback is to initiate a problem-solving conversation, not to force a change in the other person.

17. State Indisputable Reality

When giving feedback, stick to your own reality (your feelings, observations, and impact), as this is indisputable and more impactful than making attributions about others.

18. Expand Emotional Vocabulary

Actively work to expand your emotional vocabulary, perhaps by using a list of feelings, to better identify and express what you are truly feeling.

19. Tune Two Antennae

Cultivate two internal “antennae”: one to tune into your own internal state and feelings (intrapersonal) and another to pick up signals about what might be going on for others (interpersonal).

20. Address Issues Directly

Avoid sweeping issues under the rug, as unaddressed problems (“pinches”) can grow into larger “crunches,” preventing relationships from growing closer and fostering resentment.

21. State Feedback Intent

When expressing feelings or giving feedback, clearly state your positive intention (e.g., “I’m telling you this because I want us to be closer”), which helps the other person receive it better.

22. Prevent Net Jumping Escalation

Recognize that making attributions about others’ motives (“net jumping”) often invites them to do the same, escalating conflict and preventing productive conversation.

23. Recover from Communication Errors

Don’t expect perfection in communication; if you or the other person “net jumps” or makes a mistake, pause, acknowledge the error, and step back to correct the interaction.

24. Establish Shared Vernacular

Develop a shared language or vernacular (like “over the net”) with close relationships to quickly identify communication missteps in a non-judgmental way, facilitating quicker recovery and understanding.

25. Practice Intentional Solitude

Engage in intentional solitude (not loneliness) to get in touch with your emotions and understand yourself better, which helps you show up more effectively and authentically in your relationships.

26. Build Internal Gyroscope

Actively seek and reflect on feedback about how your behavior impacts others; this process helps build a stable internal sense of self (“internal gyroscope”), making you less easily unsettled by external input.

27. Share to Reduce Fragility

Understand that withholding information about yourself can make you more fragile, as it allows others to create potentially inaccurate and damaging stories about you.

28. Journal for Learning Integration

Keep a journal to process, internalize, and reflect on your learning and interactions, which is especially useful for integrating new insights and informing future choices.

29. Selectively Deepen Relationships

Understand that not all relationships need to be exceptional; instead, focus on developing the capacity to deepen a select few (e.g., three to five) to that level, especially when both parties desire it.

30. Seek Incremental Relationship Growth

Instead of aiming for every relationship to be exceptional, focus on moving all your relationships incrementally along the continuum towards being more robust and functional.

31. Deepen Daily Interactions

Reframe time constraints by focusing on how you use your interaction time; consciously try to make everyday conversations a little more intimate, honest, self-revealing, or curious, rather than superficial.

32. Own Evolving Relationship Needs

When a relationship changes or loses intimacy, avoid blaming the other person; instead, practice self-awareness and own that your needs or the fit of the relationship may have evolved.

33. Honor Past, Move Forward

When relationships change or end, honor the past importance of the relationship while acknowledging the need to move on, rather than clinging to what no longer fits.

34. Express Fear When Raising Issues

When feeling afraid to raise a difficult issue, express that fear directly, as it is an important feeling and contributes to authentic communication, even if not perfectly articulated.

35. Prioritize Theory Over Language

While language is important, focus more on understanding the underlying theory and principles of effective communication; with a correct theoretical understanding, appropriate words will naturally follow.

36. Seek Emotional Understanding

In conflicts, strive to emotionally understand the other person’s pain and perspective, even if you don’t agree with their position or the “right” answer, as this fosters connection and resolution.

37. Offer Connecting Apologies

Offer apologies that focus on your regret for the other person’s pain or the state of the relationship, rather than solely admitting fault; this “connecting sorry” expresses care and fosters emotional connection.

38. Embrace Differences, Not Perfect Fit

Avoid the misconception that a perfect relationship means everything fits seamlessly; instead, embrace and work through differences to allow both individuals to be more fully themselves.

39. Develop Conflict Skills

Acquire and utilize conflict management skills to navigate disagreements effectively, preventing relationships from ending prematurely or stalling due to unresolved issues.

40. Parents & Children: Risk Being Known

Parents should risk letting themselves be known to their adult children, and children should avoid withholding information for approval, fostering a more equal and authentic relationship dynamic.

41. Avoid Email for Feedback

Generally avoid giving feedback via email due to its asynchronous and non-verbal nature, which can easily lead to misinterpretation and problems in connection.

42. Prioritize Relationship Digitally

In digital communications like Zoom, consciously “double down” on relationship-building by intentionally focusing on personal connection and emotional sharing, as the medium often foregrounds task over relationship.

43. Share Feelings in Digital Calls

When communicating digitally (e.g., Zoom calls with family), go beyond merely sharing facts or news; intentionally share your concerns, fears, and other feelings to foster deeper personal connection.

44. Start Meetings with Feelings Check-in

Begin team or executive meetings with a brief personal check-in (e.g., 90 seconds, “If you really knew me…”) that includes expressing at least two or three feeling words, to foster connection and understanding among colleagues.

45. Lean Into Growth Opportunities

Approach challenges and difficult conversations with a mindset of excitement for the possibility of growth, actively leaning into them rather than avoiding.

46. Value Small Relationship Steps

Recognize and value the impact of small, consistent actions in relationships, such as being a little more self-revealing, personal, caring, or emotionally expressive in everyday interactions, rather than waiting for massive gestures.