How to Make New Habits Stick, Why You Can’t Break Old Habits and The Secret to Great Communication with Charles Duhigg #436

1. Invest in Close Relationships Early

Prioritize and actively invest in building a handful of close relationships before age 45, as this is the strongest predictor of long-term happiness, health, and success.

2. Replace, Don’t Extinguish Habits

Instead of trying to extinguish a habit, focus on changing it by finding a new behavior that responds to the old cues and provides a similar reward.

3. Cultivate Keystone Habits

Identify and cultivate ‘keystone habits’ – powerful habits (like exercise or a morning routine) that, once established, trigger a cascade of other positive changes in various aspects of your life.

4. Connect First, Educate Second

In any relationship, especially when giving advice, prioritize connecting with the other person and showing you care before educating them, as people are more receptive when they feel understood.

5. Lead with Curiosity, Aim for Understanding

Approach conversations with genuine curiosity, aiming solely to understand the other person’s perspective rather than to change their mind or find common ground.

6. Embrace Self-Experimentation

Approach personal change as a scientist in a laboratory, conducting experiments where some attempts will fail, but each failure provides valuable learning about what works for you.

7. Start Small for Long-Term Habits

To successfully integrate new behaviors into long-term habits, begin with very small, manageable actions (e.g., one minute of meditation) that can gradually increase over time.

8. Jumpstart & Evolve Rewards

Initially, jumpstart your brain’s reward system by giving yourself deliberate rewards for new behaviors, and be prepared to supplement or change these rewards over time as intrinsic rewards may lessen.

9. Ask Deep Questions About Values

Ask ‘deep questions’ that probe a person’s values, beliefs, or experiences (e.g., ‘What made you decide to…?’ or ‘What do you love about…?’) to invite vulnerability and foster genuine connection.

10. Don’t Assume Others’ Desires

Avoid assuming what another person wants from a conversation (e.g., advice, comfort, information); instead, ask deep questions to understand their actual needs and desires.

11. Apply the ‘Three Fs’ Exercise

When experiencing an urge like emotional eating, use the ‘Three Fs’ exercise: 1) Feel: Pause and identify the underlying emotion; 2) Feed: Understand how the current behavior temporarily feeds that feeling; 3) Find: Discover an alternative behavior that can genuinely address and feed that same feeling.

12. Design Environment to Discourage Unwanted Habits

Consciously design your environment to make unwanted behaviors harder to engage in (e.g., using an older TV that takes time to load), thereby reducing their rewarding nature and hold over you.

13. Make Unwanted Habits Harder

Beyond deciding what you want to achieve, actively make it more difficult to engage in behaviors you wish to avoid, by increasing friction or effort.

14. Place Healthy Alternatives Within Reach

Strategically place healthy alternatives (e.g., fruit on your desk) within easy reach to satisfy cravings and prevent defaulting to less healthy options when tired or seeking a quick reward.

15. Morning Self-Investment Yields Daily Returns

Recognize that investing even a few minutes in yourself each morning (e.g., meditation) will pay significant dividends throughout the day by making you less reactive, calmer, and more productive.

16. Avoid Reactive Morning Phone Use

Avoid immediately checking your phone for emails or news in the morning, as this can lead to negativity and a reactive mindset, instead of proactively deciding how you want to approach your day.

17. Model Mindful Digital Device Use

Be a role model for your children by demonstrating mindful phone use and good habits around digital screens, showing them that you are in control of your habits.

18. Understand the Habit Loop

Recognize that every habit consists of a cue (trigger), the behavior, and a reward to better understand and manage your habits.

19. Deliberately Maintain Rewards

When starting a new behavior, consciously choose cues and rewards, and as the behavior becomes routine, be aware that the original reward may lose its appeal, requiring you to supplement it with new rewards.

20. Sustain Habits with Enjoyment

As new behaviors become routine, actively double down on making them feel more enjoyable to prevent the habit from crumbling due to a lack of perceived reward.

21. Establish Consistent Cues

For new habits, establish consistent cues by choosing a specific time, place, and preceding actions (e.g., ’every morning, 10 minutes after I wake up, get coffee, sit in this chair’).

22. Layer Multiple Cues for New Habits

When forming a new habit, strategically place multiple cues in your environment (e.g., visual cues like running shoes, time of day, laid-out clothes) to increase the likelihood of the habit sticking.

23. Categorize Habit Cues

To understand your habits, identify their cues, which typically fall into five categories: time of day, place, other people, emotion, or a preceding ritualized behavior.

24. Experiment to Identify Core Rewards

When trying to change a habit, conduct experiments by replacing the behavior with alternatives and then asking yourself if the new behavior satisfied the underlying craving or reward you were seeking.

25. Identify the True Craving

Through self-experimentation, identify the actual reward your brain seeks (e.g., self-soothing, social connection, a break) rather than just the superficial behavior (e.g., eating chocolate), to find effective alternative behaviors.

26. Match New Habit Rewards to Old

When replacing an old habit (e.g., social media scrolling) with a new one (e.g., meditation), ensure the new behavior delivers a similar reward (e.g., novelty, feeling informed) to increase its stickiness.

27. Integrate Old Rewards into New Habits

Instead of trying to extinguish cravings for old rewards (like novelty from scrolling), integrate them into your new desired behavior (e.g., meditate while listening to a podcast) to facilitate its adoption.

28. Consciously Appreciate Rewards

Actively decide that a reward is rewarding and allow yourself to enjoy it, as this conscious appreciation makes the reward more effective and reinforces the habit.

29. Use Self-Congratulation as Reward

For new habits, actively acknowledge and congratulate yourself (e.g., ‘I am awesome’ or ‘This will help me today’) immediately after the behavior to jumpstart your brain’s appreciation for the intrinsic rewards.

30. Use Tools for Immediate Rewards

If you struggle with a new habit (like meditation), use tools or methods that provide immediate, small rewards to make it easier to engage in the desired behavior.

31. Allow Intrinsic Rewards to Emerge

Understand that as you practice a new habit, intrinsic rewards will eventually emerge, making the activity enjoyable in itself, at which point you can shed initial crutches.

32. Maintain Rituals While Traveling

When traveling, bring elements of your routine (like a French press) to keep cues and rewards consistent, which helps maintain grounding and a sense of control over your habits.

33. Rituals Provide Comfort & Accomplishment

Recognize that engaging in chosen rituals provides an inherent sense of comfort, accomplishment, and positive feeling, making the ritual itself a reward.

34. Embrace Small Wins for Change

Recognize that change is often non-linear and driven by small, incremental improvements; allow yourself to make small shifts and learn from these experiments to build momentum.

35. Habits Become Easier Over Time

Understand that while new habits may be hard initially, your brain is wired to make them progressively easier and eventually automatic, so persist through the early difficulties.

36. Prove New Self-Image Through Action

To truly change how you see yourself (e.g., ‘I’m the kind of person who runs’), you must prove it to your brain through consistent action and perceived rewards, as your brain remains skeptical until proven otherwise.

37. Develop a New Self-Narrative

Cultivate a new self-narrative by identifying as ’the kind of person who…’ (e.g., ‘runs in the morning,’ ‘meditates’), which influences other behaviors and decision-making.

38. Morning Routines Build Self-Trust

Consistently engaging in a morning routine, even a shortened version, builds self-trust and reinforces the belief that you are worthy of investing time in yourself, regardless of external demands.

39. Identify Meaningful Change by Fear

To identify a potentially transformative keystone habit, ask yourself what kind of change seems ‘irrationally frightening’ to you, as this often indicates a change that will profoundly alter your self-perception.

40. Prioritize Self-Awareness

Recognize that self-awareness and insight are more crucial than mere knowledge for making lasting behavioral changes.

41. Conscious Awareness Facilitates Change

By consciously bringing awareness to your habit cues (e.g., stress) and understanding that the current behavior (e.g., sugar) is a crutch, you can more easily identify and adopt healthier alternatives that provide the same reward.

42. Habits Automate Brain Activity

Understand that habits cause your brain to ‘power down’ and make behaviors automatic, which means you stop paying attention to the cues and rewards unless you consciously bring them to the forefront.

43. Invest in Connection Through Authenticity

Make a conscious decision to connect with people and invest in those relationships by asking questions, and being authentic and honest about your struggles and vulnerabilities.

44. Show Desire to Connect

Take time to genuinely show the other person you want to connect with them, as this fosters neural alignment and reciprocity, making them more receptive to your advice or message.

45. Aim for Neural Alignment

Understand that the goal of communication is to achieve ’neural entrainment’ or ’neural alignment,’ where your brains and thoughts align with the other person’s, fostering deeper understanding.

46. Ask: Listen or Solution?

When someone shares a problem, explicitly ask them if they want you to just listen or if they are looking for a solution, to avoid miscommunication and tension.

47. Ask ‘Why’ Not ‘What’ Questions

Frame your questions to explore the ‘why’ behind someone’s actions or feelings rather than just the ‘what,’ to encourage deeper, more meaningful responses.

48. Ask More Questions

Emulate super communicators by asking significantly more questions (10 to 20 times more than average) to better understand others and facilitate deeper connection.

49. Mirror & Ask Deep Questions

To be a super communicator, practice mirroring others and asking deeper questions that probe feelings rather than just facts to foster more meaningful conversations.

50. Practice Emotional Reciprocity

When someone shares vulnerability, respond with vulnerability of your own to trigger emotional reciprocity, a hardwired human tendency that fosters deep connection.

51. Intent to Connect Matters Most

When communicating, especially in sensitive situations, the genuine intent to connect and show you care is more important than choosing the ‘perfect’ words.

52. Overcome Fear of Saying Wrong Thing

Do not let insecurity or fear of saying the ‘wrong thing’ prevent you from expressing meaningful and important sentiments, especially in sensitive situations.

53. Acknowledge Awkwardness in Sensitive Talks

When engaging in sensitive conversations (e.g., about race or religion), preemptively acknowledge potential awkwardness and the possibility of saying the wrong thing, offering mutual forgiveness to reduce anxiety and facilitate open dialogue.

54. Identify Conversation Types

Recognize that discussions comprise three types of conversations (practical, emotional, social), and ensure you and the other person are engaging in the same type at the same moment to effectively connect.

55. Ask to Clarify Conversation Type

Instead of assuming, explicitly ask what kind of conversation the other person wants to have (e.g., ‘Do you want me to just listen or offer a solution?’) to ensure alignment.

56. Goal: Understand, Not Convince

Adopt the primary goal of understanding the other person in any conversation, rather than trying to convince them, prove yourself, or solve their problems.

57. Pay More Attention to Communication

Recognize that becoming a super communicator primarily requires paying more deliberate attention to how communication works, often spurred by past challenges or a strong desire to improve.

58. Learn & Practice Communication Rules

Leverage your brain’s hardwired craving for connection by learning and practicing the basic rules of good communication, which will quickly become habitual due to their inherently rewarding nature.

59. Use Laughter as a Connection Signal

Use laughter, even when not in response to humor, as a keystone habit to signal your desire to connect and align with others, which guides all other aspects of communication.

60. Adapt Communication to Medium

Consciously adapt your communication style to the medium (e.g., over-enunciating and adding more emotion to your voice on the phone) to effectively convey your message and connect when nonverbal cues are absent.

61. Recognize Medium-Specific Communication Rules

Understand that each communication medium (face-to-face, phone, text, online) has its own distinct rules and norms, and assuming they are interchangeable leads to conflict.

62. Be Extra Polite Online

When communicating online, make an extra effort to be polite by using ‘please’ and ’thank you,’ as this can significantly improve the tone and outcome of the entire conversation.

63. Personalize Online Interactions

When responding to online messages, take the time to find and use the person’s name (e.g., ‘Hi, Sandra’) to personalize the interaction and acknowledge them as a human being.

64. Pleasantries Acknowledge Humanity

Understand that using pleasantries like ‘Hi’ and ‘please’ in communication serves to acknowledge the other person’s humanity, fostering a more respectful and productive interaction.

65. Prioritize Pleasantries or Avoid Conversation

If you feel too rushed to include basic pleasantries in a conversation, especially online, consider whether you should be having the conversation at all, as their absence often leads to conflict.

66. Spotlight Quieter Voices

In group settings, shine by giving quieter people a spotlight, rather than always being the ideas person, to foster more inclusive and effective communication.

67. Ask Smart Questions in Groups

In group settings, contribute by asking smart, illuminating questions rather than always providing smart answers, which helps guide the conversation and demonstrates communication skill.

68. Facilitate Group Understanding

In group conversations, actively facilitate understanding by asking questions, repeating smart ideas from others, re-emphasizing what people say, and matching the group’s emotional tone.

69. Ask Curious Questions to Overcome Shyness

If you’re shy in group settings, alleviate pressure by asking genuinely curious questions instead of feeling obligated to provide smart answers, as questions make you appear smart and liked by others.

70. Ask ‘What Does This Mean to You?’

At the core of every deep question, ask ‘What does this mean to you?’ or ‘How do you make sense of this?’ to understand a person’s perspective and feelings, rather than just seeking facts.

71. Engage in One-on-One Time with Kids

Dedicate one-on-one time with your children, especially in new environments, to foster deeper conversations and connections that may not occur in the daily routine.

72. Change Environment to Change Conversations

Use a change of environment as a valuable tool to alter the types of conversations you have, as new settings can facilitate different interactions and connections.

73. Design Environment for Intimate Conversation

Intentionally design physical spaces (e.g., a narrow desk) to encourage closeness and make it harder to disengage, thereby facilitating more intimate and focused conversations.

74. Preparation Signals Desire to Connect

Show your desire to connect by thoroughly preparing for conversations, as this signals seriousness and authenticity, often eliciting reciprocal vulnerability from the other person.

75. Value Good Communication

Understand that good communication is inherently rewarding and essential for human connection, forming relationships, and sharing information, which can motivate you to improve this skill.

76. Good Communication Vital for Healthcare

Recognize that good communication is the most important skill for healthcare professionals, as it significantly impacts patient outcomes and the effectiveness of treatment.

77. Social Connection as Hidden Reward

Recognize that seemingly unhealthy habits might be driven by a hidden reward like social connection; experiment with alternative ways to get that social interaction without the unhealthy behavior.