How To Read Body Language and Become More Confident with Vanessa Van Edwards #254
This episode features Vanessa Van Edwards, an expert in nonverbal communication, discussing how mastering "cues" (body language, vocal tone, words) enhances charisma, trust, and connection. She defines charisma as warmth plus competence, offering practical tips to improve communication in all areas of life.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Redefining Confidence Beyond Extroversion
Authentic vs. Fake Smiles and Their Impact
Understanding and Addressing the Contempt Micro-Expression
The Importance of Non-Verbal Communication
Charisma as a Blend of Warmth and Competence
Practical Warmth Cues for Better Connection
Practical Competence Cues for Being Taken Seriously
The Impact of Under-Expressing Cues
Why We Lose Cue Fluency and How to Relearn It
Achieving Fluency in Reading and Sending Cues
Vulnerability as a Pathway to Warmth
Protocol for Doctor-Patient First Impressions
Enhancing Electronic Communication with Warmth Cues
Gender Differences in Default Cues
Identifying Lies Through Non-Verbal and Vocal Cues
The Power of Hand Gestures in Communication
8 Key Concepts
Confidence (Authentic vs. Inauthentic)
Authentic confidence, stemming from genuine feelings, positively influences others, making them feel happier and more confident. Inauthentic confidence, like a fake smile, has no mood or behavioral change in others, making one less memorable and impactful.
Charisma
Defined as the combination of competence and warmth. These two components are essential for building trust and magnetic attraction, as people are drawn to those who are both friendly and reliable.
Warmth (Cue)
A basic human instinct for survival, encompassing friendliness, likability, trust, openness, and collaboration. It signals safety and acceptance, helping people quickly answer the question, 'Can I trust you?'
Competence (Cue)
Represents capability, efficiency, productivity, and the assurance that a person will follow through on their commitments. It helps people answer the question, 'Can I rely on you?'
Contempt Micro-Expression
A universal micro-expression of scorn or disdain, characterized by a one-sided mouth raise (smirk). It is often misinterpreted as ambivalence or boredom but is a strong predictor of negative relationship outcomes if unaddressed, as it festers into disrespect and hatred.
Facial Feedback Hypothesis
The concept that not only do our emotions cause our facial expressions, but our facial expressions can also cause or influence our emotions. For example, a smirk can make one feel superior.
Proxemics
The study of the space between humans and how it influences communication and interaction. It includes concepts like the 'intimate zone' (0-18 inches), which is typically reserved for close relationships and can be navigated carefully in professional settings.
Question Inflection
A vocal cue where the pitch of one's voice rises at the end of a sentence, making a statement sound like a question. This can signal doubt or flexibility, leading listeners to scrutinize the information or perceive it as less certain.
8 Questions Answered
When humans meet, they instinctively try to answer two questions: 'Can I trust you?' (related to warmth) and 'Can I rely on you?' (related to competence).
Approximately 65% to 90% of human communication is non-verbal, meaning that focusing solely on words neglects a significant portion of how we convey and receive messages.
A real smile engages the upper cheek muscles, causing 'crow's feet' around the eyes, and makes the person genuinely happy, positively affecting others. A fake smile only involves the bottom half of the face and does not elicit a positive mood change in observers.
The universal contempt micro-expression is a one-sided mouth raise or smirk, which signifies scorn or disdain. It is a strong predictor of negative relationship outcomes, such as divorce, if not addressed.
When people intentionally under-express or hide their cues, it causes anxiety and confusion in those around them, making it harder for others to understand, connect, and know how to interact.
To add warmth to electronic communication, use 'warm words' (e.g., 'team,' 'help,' 'collaborate'), emojis, or exclamation points. Explicitly stating the physical touch you would offer in person (e.g., 'sending you a virtual hug') can also significantly increase engagement.
The question inflection (voice rising at the end of a sentence) can make a statement sound like a question, signaling doubt or flexibility. This can cause listeners to scrutinize the information, doubt the advice, or perceive prices/timelines as negotiable.
While there's no single 'Pinocchio's nose,' liars often exhibit patterns like touching or scratching their nose. In poker, hand gestures are surprisingly reliable; fluid movements often indicate a good hand, while jerky or strenuous movements suggest a bad hand or deception.
31 Actionable Insights
1. Broaden Confidence Definition
Redefine confidence to include diverse types (e.g., quiet introvert, nurturing healer) rather than idolizing extroverts, giving yourself permission to feel authentically confident in your unique way.
2. Prioritize Authentic Smiles
Aim for authentic smiles that engage your upper cheek muscles and eyes (crow’s feet), as these genuinely infect others positively and are more memorable, unlike fake smiles which have no mood or behavior change.
3. Avoid Asymmetrical Smiles
Check your profile pictures (e.g., LinkedIn, dating apps) to ensure you are not accidentally displaying an asymmetrical smile (a one-sided mouth raise or smirk), as this is a universal micro-expression of contempt and negativity.
4. Address Contempt Cues
When you spot a negative cue like contempt (one-sided mouth raise/smirk) in others, view it as a valuable opportunity to learn more about their feelings or the situation, either by observing or gently addressing it.
5. Acknowledge Negative Cues Softly
If you notice a negative cue from someone, you can directly address it by asking ‘Is everything okay?’ or more softly inquire ‘Does that make sense?’ to show respect and seek deeper understanding.
6. Listen with Your Whole Body
Approach interactions with the intention to deeply understand others by listening not just with your ears, but with your entire body, observing non-verbal cues, voice, and words to foster connection.
7. Master Non-Verbal Communication
Recognize that 65-90% of communication is non-verbal; therefore, pay attention to and intentionally use non-verbal cues (postures, gestures, facial expressions) to communicate effectively and avoid being misunderstood or underestimated.
8. Signal Trust and Reliability
Be clear and intentional with your cues to quickly signal trustworthiness (‘Can I trust you?’) and reliability (‘Can I rely on you?’) in interactions, making you more magnetic and easier for others to understand by reducing their cognitive load.
9. Vulnerability Is Warmth
Use vulnerability, truth, and transparency as a direct path to conveying warmth, as sharing your true feelings helps others trust and believe your competence and ideas.
10. Embrace Radical Transparency
Practice radical transparency by openly sharing your discomfort, anxiety, or awkwardness, as this vulnerability acts as a powerful warmth cue, making people lean in and feel safer and more connected with you.
11. Connect First, Educate Second
Prioritize connecting with people (making them feel seen and heard) before attempting to educate or provide information, as connection acts as a lubricant, making subsequent interactions and information reception much smoother.
12. First Impression Protocol
When making a first impression, such as opening a door to greet someone, ensure your posture is broad and open, maximizing the space between your ears and shoulders to project pride and confidence.
13. Initiate Mutual Gazing
When greeting someone, initiate a searching gaze to find them, then hold mutual eye contact until they are walking towards you and reciprocating, as this triggers oxytocin and quickly builds trust.
14. Maintain Eye Contact
After greeting someone and establishing eye contact, avoid immediately turning your back and walking away; maintain connection until they are fully engaged and moving with you to prevent signaling disinterest or hiding something.
15. Use Positive Verbal Cues
In the first few seconds of an interaction, use slightly positive verbal cues (e.g., ‘so good to see you,’ ‘happy to be here’) to help people feel at ease and internalize a positive mood.
16. Initiate Touch or Acknowledge
If comfortable, initiate physical touch like a handshake (combining eye contact and touch for oxytocin release); if not, use a non-verbal acknowledgement like a nod or wave to signal welcome and belonging.
17. Walk Shoulder-to-Shoulder
When guiding someone, walk shoulder-to-shoulder and side-by-side, ideally in lockstep, to create mirroring and quickly build rapport, even within their intimate zone, as it acts like an ’enzyme for interaction’.
18. Match Eye Level
When sitting down with someone, adjust your posture (e.g., sit on a stool, lean in) to be on the same eye level as them, as this demonstrates non-verbal respect and fosters connection.
19. Use Slow Triple Nod
To dial up warmth and encourage others to speak three to four times longer, use a slow, purposeful triple nod while listening, rather than constant bobble-head nodding.
20. Tilt Head for Engagement
Tilt your head slightly to the side while listening to someone to signal engagement and encourage the other person to feel more connected and understood.
21. Use Open Palm Gestures
To dial up competence and signal openness and honesty, use open palm gestures, especially when starting interactions like video calls, to show you’re not hiding anything.
22. Maximize Ear-Shoulder Space
To project competence and confidence, consciously lower your shoulders away from your ears, avoiding the instinctive protective posture of shoulders rolled up and chin down, which signals anxiety.
23. Avoid Under-Expressing Cues
Avoid being stoic or under-expressive, as stifling cues can cause anxiety and confusion in others, prevent you from effectively communicating your competence and worth, and make interactions difficult.
24. Teach Cue Language
Actively teach children (and each other) about non-verbal cues by naming them (e.g., ‘She’s smiling, she wants to play’), similar to learning a foreign language, to improve communication and understanding.
25. Add Warmth to Emails
To counteract the lack of warmth in electronic communication (emails, texts), intentionally add warmth cues, even just one word (e.g., ’team,’ ‘help,’ ‘hope,’ ’thanks’), to build trust and encourage engagement.
26. Use Power Words in Emails
In emails, use specific ‘power words’ to cue desired emotions: use warm words (e.g., ‘collaborate,’ ’trust’) to foster warmth, and competent words (e.g., ‘win,’ ’efficient’) to signal capability, ensuring your message lands effectively.
27. Audit Your Email Tone
Review your email sent folder to count the balance of ‘warm words’ (e.g., friends, happy, open) versus ‘competent words’ (e.g., win, achieve, productive) in important messages to understand the impression you are consistently conveying.
28. Use Emojis for Warmth
In text messages and informal emails, use emojis and exclamation points to add warmth, as one smiling face or exclamation point is equivalent to one warm word, especially if you tend to be highly competent.
29. Avoid Question Inflection
When making a statement, especially regarding prices, timelines, or advice, ensure your voice goes down at the end of the sentence (statement inflection) rather than up (question inflection), as question inflection signals uncertainty and can lead to scrutiny or doubt.
30. Cultivate Fluid Hand Gestures
Cultivate fluidity and smoothness in your hand gestures and movements, as this signals competence and confidence, while jerky or strenuous movements can betray discomfort or deceit.
31. Leverage Natural Cues
Identify and leverage the cues you naturally use and enjoy, and observe highly charismatic people to adopt cues that resonate with you, enhancing authenticity and confidence.
7 Key Quotes
If we can broaden our definition of what confidence means, we have more permission to feel authentically ourselves.
Vanessa Van Edwards
When you are truly confident, you actually infect other people positively. When you are faking it, when you are trying to pretend to be an extrovert, you are less memorable. You are literally less impactful.
Vanessa Van Edwards
Contempt is one of the only emotions that doesn't go away. Fear comes in a burst. You self-suit. Anger comes in a burst. You calm down. Happiness comes all at once. You go back to neutral. But contempt or disrespect, it grows and it festers if it's not addressed.
Vanessa Van Edwards
Competence without warmth leaves people feeling suspicious.
Vanessa Van Edwards
Vulnerability is warmth.
Vanessa Van Edwards
Connect first, educate second.
Rangan Chatterjee
Our body doesn't like to lie. Our body knows lying gets us into trouble, and so there's all these leaks of the guilt and the shame that we have around lies.
Vanessa Van Edwards
1 Protocols
Doctor-Patient First Impression Protocol
Dr. Rangan Chatterjee and Vanessa Van Edwards- Open the waiting room door with a broad, prideful posture (space between ears and shoulders).
- Immediately seek and hold mutual eye contact (searching gaze followed by a long hold) with the patient until they are walking towards you and making eye contact back.
- Offer a slightly positive verbal greeting (e.g., 'It's so good to see you,' 'I'm so glad you could come in').
- If comfortable and appropriate, initiate physical touch like a handshake; otherwise, replace it with a non-verbal acknowledgment such as a nod or a wave, gesturing them in.
- If possible, walk shoulder-to-shoulder, side-by-side with the patient down the hallway, maintaining lockstep and occasional eye contact, to build rapport and safely enter their intimate zone.
- Open the office door for them, aiming your entire body towards them.
- Sit down on a stool or chair to get on the same level as the patient, showing non-verbal respect.