Jay Shetty on How to Think Like a Monk and Train Your Mind for Peace and Purpose #122
In this episode, former monk Jay Shetty discusses how to live a more authentic and purposeful life by training your mind. He introduces a 'values audit' exercise, shares tips for a deeper gratitude practice, and explores how childhood experiences influence adult relationships and identity.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Introduction to Season 4 and Guest Jay Shetty
The Concept of Training Your Mind
Jay Shetty's Journey to Becoming a Monk
Understanding Identity and External Perceptions
Performing a Personal Value Audit
Bridging the Gap Between Desired and Actual Values
Impact of Childhood on Adult Relationships and Communication
The Power of Stories and Media Influence
Finding Meaning Through 'Job Crafting'
Developing and Expressing Specific Gratitude
Avoiding Building Happiness on Others' Unhappiness
Authenticity and Purpose in Social Media
Practical Tips: The Three S's (Sights, Scents, Sounds)
8 Key Concepts
Perception of a Perception
This concept, based on Charles Horton Cooley's quote, explains that we often base our self-worth and identity on what we *think* others think of us, rather than on our true self or what others actually perceive. This creates an identity struggle rooted in an imagined external view.
Value Audit
A process of identifying your true values by examining how you spend your money and time. It involves critically questioning the motivations behind your current pursuits to ensure they genuinely align with your authentic desires, rather than external pressures.
Echo Chambers
Social environments where individuals are primarily surrounded by people who share similar ideas and connections, limiting exposure to diverse perspectives. This can hinder creativity, innovation, and personal growth by reinforcing existing beliefs.
Emotional Vocabulary
The range and precision of words an individual uses to describe their feelings. A limited emotional vocabulary can make it difficult to accurately diagnose one's own emotions, articulate them to others, and effectively address underlying issues in relationships.
Attachment Styles
Psychological patterns (avoidant, secure, anxious) that describe how individuals relate in intimate relationships, largely formed by the nature of love, attention, and presence received from parents or caregivers during childhood. These styles influence adult expectations and behaviors.
Job Crafting
A term from Yale University referring to the ability to assign personal meaning and purpose to one's work, even in seemingly mundane or difficult jobs. It involves reframing one's perception of the role to find significance and make it more meaningful.
Specific Gratitude
A practice of expressing thankfulness not just generally, but with precise details about what one is grateful for and why. This approach leads to deeper emotional benefits for both the giver and receiver, strengthening relationships and boosting mood.
Dharma
Loosely defined as one's purpose or true nature, understood as the intersection of one's passion, skills, and compassion. Discovering and living one's Dharma leads to a meaningful and impactful life.
8 Questions Answered
Yes, just as we train our bodies for physical prowess, we can train our minds for focus, happiness, and contentment. Monks have dedicated their lives to mastering this practice, demonstrating that it is accessible to everyone.
Many pursue goals based on external validation or what they *think* other people value, rather than their authentic desires. This often leads to a feeling of discontentment and unfulfillment, even when they appear to 'have it all'.
By performing a 'value audit' that involves examining how we spend our money and time, and critically questioning if our pursuits are driven by internal desires or external pressures, we can realign with our true self.
Our early experiences with parental attention and love shape our 'attachment styles' (avoidant, secure, anxious), which then influence our expectations, communication patterns, and behaviors in adult relationships.
By practicing 'job crafting,' which involves consciously assigning meaning to your role, focusing on what you can learn, and how your work contributes, even if it's not your ideal job or current situation.
Gratitude is most powerful when expressed specifically and genuinely to people, places, or projects, rather than just felt or thought. This specific expression deepens relationships and boosts mood for both the giver and receiver.
If gratitude is genuine and from the heart, it should be shared regardless of potential discomfort or how the other person might react. The primary benefit of feeling and expressing gratitude is for oneself, and their reaction is out of your control.
By intentionally designing our environment using the 'three S's': choosing inspiring sights, calming scents (like lavender or eucalyptus), and uplifting or peaceful sounds (like nature sounds or favorite music) to influence our mood.
31 Actionable Insights
1. Change Self-Perception via Behavior
Instead of trying to change others’ perceptions of you, focus on changing how you think about yourself by aligning your behavior with the person you want to be and your values. This pursuit is more worthwhile and allows you to feel better about yourself.
2. Audit Your Values (Money/Time)
To understand your true values, conduct an audit by honestly reviewing your bank statements and how you allocate your time. These reveal what you genuinely prioritize, often differing from your perceived values.
3. Question Pursuit Motivations
For each goal you’re currently pursuing, ask if it stems from your inner desire and dream or from external pressures or expectations. Then, decide if you still want to pursue it, change your approach, or abandon it entirely to ensure your goals are truly yours.
4. Discover Your Purpose (Dharma)
To find your life’s purpose, or dharma, identify the intersection of your passion (what you love), your skills (what you’re good at), and your compassion (how you serve others). This combination equals true purpose.
5. Embrace Your Authentic Self
Strive to be your authentic self rather than trying to imitate others or conform to external expectations. Being yourself is less tiring and leads to greater contentment and genuine connection.
6. Separate Self From Negative Habits
Realize that you are not your negative thoughts, habits, or pain; these are transient states or adopted behaviors. By changing the habits, you naturally change your experience without defining yourself by them.
7. Find Gratitude in Challenges
Cultivate gratitude in all areas of your life, especially during tough times, by asking ‘where is there meaning in this?’ and ‘where is the lesson in this?’. This helps maintain a positive perspective and learn from difficult situations.
8. Express Specific Gratitude Daily
Make gratitude more powerful by expressing it daily and specifically: tell a person you’re grateful for them, spend time in or reflect on a place you appreciate, and acknowledge a project you’re thankful for. This deepens relationships and boosts mood.
9. Understand Childhood Attachment Styles
Reflect on your childhood experiences to identify your attachment style (avoidant, secure, or anxious), as this awareness helps you understand patterns in your adult relationships. This is the first step in developing emotional skills your parents may not have had.
10. Develop Emotional Skills
Actively work on developing emotional skills that your parents may have lacked, starting with awareness of any behavioral patterns you’ve adopted from them. This is crucial for improving your relationships and personal well-being.
11. Communicate Relationship Expectations
To avoid misunderstandings and friction in relationships, clearly communicate to your partner the level of joy you expect and the level of pain you are willing to accept. Do not expect them to be mind readers.
12. Clarify Word Definitions
Actively discuss and clarify the definitions of important words and concepts with your partner, as different people and families may interpret them differently. This prevents misalignment and improves communication.
13. Practice Job Crafting
If you’re in a job you dislike and cannot leave, engage in ‘job crafting’ by asking yourself where you can find meaning, what you can learn, what you can adopt, and what the situation is trying to teach you. This allows you to assign meaning to your work.
14. Avoid Happiness from Others’ Unhappiness
Do not seek happiness by making others feel inferior, gossiping about their mistakes, or finding joy in their struggles. Building your own happiness on the unhappiness of others creates an unstable foundation for your well-being.
15. Focus on Value Creation
Instead of obsessing over numbers and metrics like follower counts or sales, concentrate on creating content or services that genuinely impact and help people. Success and recognition will naturally follow as a by-product of providing value.
16. Embrace Curiosity for New Ideas
If you desire to change your life, open your mind to alternative thoughts and ideas with curiosity. Exposure to diverse perspectives can foster creativity, innovation, and a greater sense of purpose.
17. Stay Curious, Open-Minded
Actively stay curious and open-minded to avoid being stuck in ’echo chambers’ or silos. This allows you to consider different views and potentially discover ideas that spark personal growth and improve your life experience.
18. Expand Emotional Vocabulary
Improve your ability to diagnose and communicate your feelings by expanding your emotional vocabulary beyond basic words like ‘sad’ to more specific terms like ‘offended,’ ‘disappointed,’ or ‘irritated.’ This helps you articulate yourself more effectively.
19. Design Environment with 3 S’s
Actively use the ’three S’s’ (sights, scents, and sounds) to change your state: choose inspiring visuals, calming aromas, and uplifting or soothing sounds in your environment. This conscious design can positively impact how you feel.
20. Morning Joyful Sight Ritual
Replace seeing your phone first thing in the morning with an intentional sight that fills you with joy. This could be a favorite quote, a child’s drawing, or an inspiring photo, setting a positive tone for your day.
21. Use Calming Scents
Incorporate calming scents like sandalwood, lavender, or eucalyptus via diffusers or candles into your environment to instantly feel relaxed and reduce anxious feelings. These scents can induce a natural sense of calm.
22. Curate Environmental Sounds
Pay attention to the background sounds in your life and intentionally choose music or nature sounds that either energize you or calm you down. This reduces cognitive load and improves focus, as your brain isn’t processing insignificant noise.
23. Prioritize Education Over Entertainment
To live a more meaningful and purposeful life, prioritize investing your time in education over entertainment. Engage in activities like reading books, watching documentaries, taking courses, and listening to podcasts to better yourself.
24. Regularly Garden Your Values
Treat your values like a garden, regularly revisiting them to remove ‘weeds’ (undesired influences) and plant ’new seeds’ (values that align with your true self). This prevents your values from becoming covered by other desires.
25. Annual & Monthly Values Audit
Dedicate three to five days a year for a deep dive into your values, and then spend one to two hours monthly for a shorter review. This structured approach helps in continually realigning your life’s direction.
26. Reduce Negativity, Increase Positivity
To make self-improvement fun, keep two jars: one for post-it notes each time you compare, complain, or criticize, and another for when you are collaborative, supportive, or grateful. Aim to increase the latter to shift your mindset.
27. Share Genuine Gratitude
Express genuine and specific gratitude from the heart, even when feeling insecure or uncomfortable. The benefits of feeling and sharing it are yours, regardless of how the recipient reacts, as you are thanking them for what they have already done.
28. Actively Train Your Mind
Understand that your mind can be trained, similar to how you train your body; dedicate time and effort to mastering your inner space for improved happiness, attention, and focus. Monks, for example, dedicate their lives to this.
29. Read ‘Feel Better in Five’
Check out the book ‘Feel Better in Five’ to discover how to make positive changes in your physical, mental, and emotional health through simple five-minute chunks of activity. It offers practical knowledge and wisdom.
30. Incorporate Weekly Podcast Episodes
As you get back into routine, consider making weekly podcast episodes a regular part of your schedule. This can provide consistent insights and help you feel better and live more.
31. Share Helpful Podcast Episodes
Practice a simple act of kindness by sharing a specific podcast episode with someone you know, as this can be a valuable gift that benefits both the recipient and yourself. It’s a way to spread positive impact.
5 Key Quotes
I'm not what I think I am. I'm not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.
Charles Horton Cooley
Everyone in the world should achieve everything they've ever wanted and accomplish everything they've ever pursued just to realize that it's not the point.
Jim Carrey (paraphrased by Jay Shetty)
You don't need to live like a monk to think like a monk.
Jay Shetty
It's impossible to build one's own happiness on the unhappiness of others.
Daisaku Ikeda (quoted by Jay Shetty)
Wasting your time trying to change how someone thinks of you is, can actually be one of the most worthless pursuits in life. But changing how you think about yourself is probably one of the most worthwhile pursuits in life, but the one we spend less time on.
Jay Shetty
3 Protocols
Value Audit Exercise
Jay Shetty- Go through your bank statement and analyze where your money is being spent to identify what you currently value.
- Reflect on how you spend your time to understand your current values.
- Write down three things you are currently pursuing in life (e.g., a promotion, a new home).
- Ask yourself: Is this desire truly yours, or is it coming from external pressure or expectation (e.g., family, friends)?
- Decide: Do I still want to pursue this, change how I pursue it, or not pursue it at all?
Daily Gratitude Practice
Jay Shetty- Every day, ask yourself: Who is a person you want to express gratitude to and why? Then, go and tell them (e.g., via text, voice note, email).
- Ask yourself: What is a place that you're grateful for and why? Spend more time in that place, or reflect on a cherished memory of it.
- Ask yourself: What is a project in your life that you're grateful for and why?
- Ensure your expressions of gratitude are specific, detailing *why* you are thankful, not just a generic 'thanks'.
Transforming Your Environment with the Three S's
Jay Shetty- **Sights**: Change the first thing you see in the morning from your phone to something that fills you with joy (e.g., your favorite quote, a picture your kids drew, a family photo, or inspiring artwork).
- **Scents**: Introduce calming scents like eucalyptus, lavender, or sandalwood into your living spaces using diffusers or candles to instantly feel calm and clear. Consider different scents for different rooms.
- **Sounds**: Be mindful of the background sounds in your life. Replace insignificant or stressful noises (like city traffic) with music that brings you to life, or nature sounds that promote ease and calm before bed.