The Power of Pain with Julia Samuel #123
Psychotherapist Julia Samuel discusses adapting to life's inevitable changes and "living losses" like job loss or health crises. She emphasizes that pain is an agent of change, busyness can be an anesthetic, and love and connection are powerful medicine. Julia also shares insights on transgenerational trauma and how to talk about death with children.
Deep Dive Analysis
20 Topic Outline
Embracing Change and Avoiding Anesthesia
Busyness as a Distraction and the Need for Space
The Problematic Nature of Distraction in Modern Society
Pain as the Agent of Change and Living Losses
The Power of Awareness and Self-Understanding
The Journey from Decorating to Psychotherapy
Impact of Parental Loss and Transgenerational Trauma
The Conflict Between Security and Inevitable Change
Acceptance vs. Accommodation in the Change Process
The Ever-Changing Nature of Life and Human Experience
Understanding Transgenerational Trauma and Family Stories
Multiple Identities and Their Fluidity
The Inescapable Nature of Feelings and Emotions
Gender Differences in Processing Loss and Emotion
Practical Tools for Emotional Processing: Walking and Talking
The Importance of Journaling for Mental Well-being
Altruism and Self-Compassion as Pillars of Strength
Addressing the Taboo Around Death and Grief
Explaining Death to Children with Honesty
Prioritizing Love and Connection for a Meaningful Life
8 Key Concepts
Busyness as an Anesthetic
Busyness acts as a form of anesthesia, preventing individuals from truly feeling and processing their emotions. It keeps the brain in a 'thinking' mode, reducing the capacity for deep emotional engagement and reflection, which is necessary for adapting to change.
Pain as Agent of Change
Pain, whether from grieving a death or experiencing 'living losses' (like job loss, health crisis, or loss of a familiar way of life), is a crucial catalyst for personal transformation. Resisting or suppressing these painful feelings can lead to a more limited and less joyful life.
Living Losses
This term refers to significant non-death-related losses that evoke grief, such as the loss of a job, a health crisis, or the disruption of one's accustomed life due to events like a pandemic. These experiences trigger a grieving process similar to that following a death.
Fertile Void
This describes the space of suffering and pain that arises from significant change or loss. It is a period where one is forced to confront new realities, which, if embraced, can lead to self-discovery, adaptation, and personal growth, allowing individuals to reshape their lives.
Accommodation of Discomfort
Instead of fighting or trying to escape discomfort caused by change, 'accommodation' means allowing oneself to experience these feelings. This process enables adaptation, thriving, and growth, whereas blocking discomfort can lead to a more restricted life.
Transgenerational Trauma
This concept explains how unresolved trauma, beliefs, values, and behavioral patterns can be passed down through generations, both epigenetically and behaviorally. It suggests that until a generation is prepared to feel and process the pain, the transmission of trauma continues.
Multiple Identities
Individuals possess various identities (e.g., work, parent, partner, family, gender) that are often fluid and shift in importance depending on context. Well-being is achieved when these multiple identities comfortably coexist, rather than clashing, which can cause internal conflict.
Logic vs. Emotional System
It is ineffective to apply pure logic to an emotional system, as approximately 80% of human decision-making stems from feelings and past experiences. Dismissing or rationalizing emotions with logic can hinder understanding and processing, especially in relationships with oneself and others.
7 Questions Answered
People struggle with change because humans crave security, stability, and certainty, even though change is the only constant in life. Our default mode of coping with difficulty is often to avoid it, using busyness or distraction as an anesthetic.
Distraction is problematic when done out of awareness, as an effort to avoid internal feelings and pain. While choosing to engage with media is fine, mindlessly splurging vulnerable feelings on social media without conscious thought can be harmful, especially for those who don't fully know themselves.
It is important to be vulnerable and honest, but selectively. Share feelings with people you trust and who will listen respectfully, rather than engaging in 'promiscuous honesty' by pouring out emotions to anyone or on broad platforms like social media, where reactions are unpredictable and potentially hurtful.
Transgenerational trauma, beliefs, values, and behaviors are passed down through generations, both epigenetically and behaviorally. Until a generation is prepared to feel and process the pain of past traumas, their transmission continues, influencing current family dynamics and individual well-being.
Grief is not something that 'ends' or is 'over' because the love for the person never dies. Instead, individuals learn to accommodate and live with the new reality, integrating the memory of the person into their lives. Memories may resurface intensely, even years later, which is a normal part of living with the loss.
Explain death to children simply, truthfully, and concisely, ensuring their understanding aligns with adult reality. Avoid euphemisms like 'gone to heaven' and instead state clearly that the person has died and their body no longer works, allowing children to ask questions and express their sadness freely.
The single biggest predictor of positive outcomes in grief is love and connection to others. Having a supportive network and maintaining connections helps individuals navigate the complex emotions and challenges of loss.
34 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Change to Thrive
Actively find ways to support yourself to adapt and change, rather than blocking or anesthetizing your way out of it, to experience more joy and success in life.
2. Process Pain, Don’t Suppress
Recognize that pain is an agent of change; give yourself time to reflect and feel it, as suppressed emotions will manifest sideways in relationships or the body.
3. Create Space to Feel
Avoid using busyness as an anesthetic to stop feeling emotions. Instead, create space and time to process change and allow yourself to feel, which is necessary for adaptation and thriving.
4. Balance Feeling and Distraction
Allow space for both processing difficult emotions (loss orientation) and engaging in restorative activities (restoration orientation) like watching Netflix, holding them side by side and oscillating between them consciously.
5. Accommodate Discomfort for Growth
Accommodate discomfort, allow it space, and support yourself through it during times of change to adapt, thrive, and grow, as blocking it leads to a limited life.
6. Don’t Logic Emotions
Understand that emotional systems cannot be processed through logic. Recognize that 80% of decision-making comes from feelings and past experience, not purely cognitive thought.
7. Accept Resurfacing Wounds
Understand that past wounds and shadows of experiences stay with us and may resurface unexpectedly. This doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, but rather that your body remembers and is wired for danger.
8. Prioritize Self-Connection & Love
Discover and practice ways to express your feelings that work for you, starting with self-connection and self-compassion. This impacts how you build relationships and is key to meaning, purpose, happiness, and health.
9. Practice Self-Compassion in Suffering
When suffering or in pain, acknowledge that you may become a less likable version of yourself. Practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism during these difficult times.
10. Express Your Feelings
Be in touch with yourself and aware of your internal state. Find a way to express your feelings, as this is crucial for mental thriving and well-being.
11. Engage in Daily Exercise
Prioritize daily exercise, even for 5-10 minutes to get your heart rate up. This reduces cortisol, raises oxytocin, lessens anxiety, and provides a clearer mind for the day.
12. Practice Journaling
Journaling is an effective practice for releasing stuck, invisible feelings by putting them on paper. This makes them visible and provides a sense of release, similar to talking treatments.
13. Daily 5-Minute Journaling
If struggling with feelings or thoughts, commit to writing them down for just five minutes a day for one week. Observe the positive impact on your mental state.
14. Practice Gratitude Regularly
Engage in gratitude as a transformative practice. It benefits both the receiver and the sender, enhancing well-being for all involved.
15. Practice Altruism & Kindness
Engage in acts of altruism and kindness towards others. This practice is shown to help your immune system and overall well-being.
16. Prioritize Love and Connection
Cultivate love and connection to others, alongside an ability to move with and adapt to life’s changes. These are key factors in surviving and thriving.
17. Connect with Loved Ones
Actively connect with people you love and who care about you. Recognize that love is strong medicine, even though maintaining these connections can be challenging.
18. Practice Deep Listening
Listen fully to others, paying attention to their body language, eyes, and underlying sentiments. This compassionate and empathetic listening is powerful medicine that enables self-compassion.
19. Be Selective with Vulnerability
Choose trusted individuals who will listen and respect you when expressing vulnerable feelings. Avoid ‘promiscuous honesty’ on public platforms to foster genuine trust and connection.
20. Understand Grief Responses
Recognize that women often lean towards loss-orientation (emoting, reviewing details) and men towards restoration-orientation (moving forward). Partners can help each other engage in both types of processing.
21. Walk and Talk Therapy
Engage in walking and talking with a loved one as a form of therapy. The movement and flow create synchronicity and a safe space to discuss difficult things without direct eye contact intensity.
22. Ritualize Difficult Conversations
After a ‘walk and talk’ about difficult topics, create a ritual like having a treat (e.g., tea, meal) to mark the end of the conversation. Then, consciously avoid revisiting the topic to maintain peace and boundaries.
23. Understand Others’ Beliefs First
Before communicating or imprinting your own story, always inquire about and understand what others, especially children, currently believe or perceive about a situation.
24. Heal Ancestral Trauma
To stop the transmission of transgenerational trauma, the current generation must be prepared to feel and process the pain associated with it.
25. Learn Family Stories & Secrets
Talk to family members from different generations to learn untold stories and secrets. Understanding your origins provides roots, strength, and higher self-esteem and confidence.
26. Create a Family Genogram
Use a family tree genogram to map out family members and known information about them. This helps to identify patterns of behavior like divorce, addiction, or suicide across generations.
27. Grieve Unknown Losses
For those who lack knowledge about their past (e.g., adopted individuals), it’s important to grieve the loss of what they wish they knew. Accept the end of imagined dreams and hopes to avoid staying stuck in limbo.
28. Use Direct Language for Death
When discussing death, use direct terms like ‘died’ rather than euphemisms like ’lost.’ Death is permanent and irreversible, and clear language avoids misunderstanding and acknowledges its reality.
29. Discuss Death & Ethical Wills
Engage in conversations about death, including what you would want to happen if you died. Consider creating ethical wills to convey your beliefs and values, not just material possessions.
30. Acknowledge Grief Directly
When someone is grieving, acknowledge their loss directly and genuinely by simply saying, ‘I’m so sorry that [person’s name] has died.’ Avoid platitudes or disappearing.
31. Offer Practical Bereavement Support
Provide practical support to bereaved individuals. This can range from showing up with food and company for close friends to sending texts and dropping things off for more distant acquaintances, remembering that shock and numbness last a long time.
32. Maintain Social Connection in Grief
Prioritize and maintain love and connection to others during grief. This is the single biggest predictor of positive outcomes in the grieving process.
33. Explain Death Truthfully to Children
When explaining death to children, first ask what they understand. Then use simple, truthful language (e.g., ‘Grandpa died; his body doesn’t work anymore’) and allow them to ask questions.
34. Allow Children to Grieve Freely
Permit children to express their sadness openly, like jumping in and out of a puddle of emotion, without trying to suppress their feelings. Acknowledge their sadness by validating their feelings.
7 Key Quotes
Pain is the agent of change.
Julia Samuel
Love is strong medicine.
Julia Samuel
You can't put logic through an emotional system.
Julia Samuel
What children don't know, they make up and what they make up is much more likely to be frightening than the truth.
Julia Samuel
The most personal is the most universal.
Julia Samuel
The thing about death is that it's permanent and irreversible.
Julia Samuel
We all walking wounded in some way for in this business, I think.
Julia Samuel
1 Protocols
Processing Difficult Conversations with a Loved One
Julia Samuel- Go for a walk together, allowing for movement and space without constant eye contact.
- Talk openly about the difficult subject or feelings.
- After the conversation, engage in a ritualistic treat (e.g., cup of tea, meal, pint) to mark the end of the discussion.
- Avoid revisiting or picking up the same difficult topic again immediately after the ritual, maintaining the boundary of the conversation.