What Every Parent Should Know with Philippa Perry #75
Psychotherapist Philippa Perry discusses improving relationships with children by understanding our own triggers, prioritizing connection, and repairing mistakes. She emphasizes authenticity, mindful screen use, and why "cry it out" methods can be harmful, offering tips applicable to all human connections.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Culture's Impact on Natural Parenting Instincts
The Importance of Connection in All Relationships
Psychotherapy's Role in Understanding Human Connection
Responding to Children's Feelings vs. Facts
Parental Triggers and the 'Rupture and Repair' Concept
Authenticity and Truth-Telling with Children
Setting Boundaries with 'I Statements' and Self-Awareness
Investing Time Positively with Children for Future Harmony
Impact of Parental Phone Use and Screen Time on Children
The Harmful Effects of 'Cry It Out' Sleep Training
Reflections on Personal Parenting Mistakes and Learning
Cultural Differences in Parenting and Their Consequences
The Necessity of Self-Reflection for Better Parenting
The Value of Boredom and Downtime for Children's Creativity
Moving Beyond 'Good' and 'Bad' in Parenting
Top Tips for Improving Parent-Child Relationships
8 Key Concepts
Coercive Cry
A type of cry from a baby or mammal that instinctively compels a parent to respond and address the need. Culture sometimes interferes with this natural instinct, leading parents to ignore it, which can be detrimental.
Rupture and Repair
The process of acknowledging and apologizing for mistakes made in parenting, such as misunderstanding, misattuning, or shouting at a child. Repairing the rupture helps children develop resilience and internalize the ability to apologize themselves.
Authenticity in Parenting
Being truthful and genuine with children about one's own feelings and needs, rather than fabricating reasons or hiding emotions. This fosters a close connection and teaches children emotional intelligence, helping them understand their own feelings and wants.
I Statements
A communication technique where parents express their own feelings and boundaries using 'I' rather than defining the child with 'you'. For example, saying 'I am not ready to let you on the bus yet' instead of 'You are not old enough'.
Autopilot Play
When children play happily by themselves because they feel secure and know their parent is available if needed. This state is achieved when parents invest time in playing with their child first, allowing the child to then become deeply engrossed in their own imaginative play.
Dandelion Kids vs. Orchid Kids
A concept describing children's varying sensitivities to their environment. Dandelion kids are robust and can thrive in most environments, while Orchid kids are highly sensitive and require a more attuned environment to avoid health and mental health difficulties.
Sleep Nudging
A gentle approach to encouraging a child to separate for sleep at their own pace and within their comfort zone. This method avoids causing toxic stress, unlike 'cry it out' methods which can elevate cortisol levels.
Charged Emotion
A strong emotional reaction, often disproportionate to the current situation, that signals an underlying pattern from one's past. Noticing and tracing back these emotions can help parents understand how their own childhood experiences influence their present reactions to their children.
10 Questions Answered
Parents can feel irritated because a child's age or behavior may unconsciously remind them of their own past experiences or vulnerabilities at that age, triggering a desire to push those feelings away.
Effective connection involves listening to and acknowledging a child's feelings rather than trying to fix problems or contradict their statements with facts. It's about being present and making the child feel seen and heard.
Rupture and repair is when a parent acknowledges their mistake, such as snapping or misunderstanding, and apologizes to the child, taking responsibility and explaining that it was their fault, not the child's.
Authenticity is key for a close connection; parents should be truthful about their own feelings and wants (without overburdening the child) to foster emotional intelligence and prevent dulling the child's instincts.
Parents should set boundaries using 'I statements' (e.g., 'I am not comfortable with...') rather than 'you statements' (e.g., 'You are not old enough...'), owning their feelings and limits, and putting boundaries down before reaching their own breaking point.
When parents prioritize their phones over their children's bids for attention, children learn that the phone is more important, potentially leading them to seek connection through screens themselves and develop their brains in relation to technology rather than people.
Yes, it can be harmful, especially for sensitive children, as it teaches them that they cannot rely on others for help. Research shows that while crying may stop, cortisol (stress hormone) levels remain high, indicating the child has merely given up, not soothed themselves.
Parents can start by noticing their 'charged emotions' – strong, often disproportionate reactions – and tracing them back to their origins in their own childhood. Understanding these triggers helps prevent past patterns from negatively affecting present parenting.
Boredom is good for children because it encourages creativity. When children are not constantly stimulated by screens, they are prompted to think of their own activities, leading to imaginative play, drawing, reading, and other forms of self-amusement.
No, it's more helpful to view behavior as 'convenient' or 'inconvenient' and as a form of communication. Parents should try to understand the meaning behind inconvenient behavior and help children articulate their underlying feelings, rather than simply labeling them.
20 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Self-Reflection
Prioritize understanding your own behavioral patterns and the ‘critical voice’ within you, as this self-awareness is fundamental to improving your parenting and overall relationships.
2. Identify Emotional Triggers
When you experience a ‘charged emotion’ or strong irritation, stop and trace its pattern back to its origins in your past, rather than assuming it’s solely about the current scenario. This helps understand why you react a certain way.
3. Practice Rupture and Repair
When you realize you’ve misunderstood, misattuned, or wrongly shouted at your child (or anyone), apologize and take responsibility by saying, ‘I shouldn’t have done that. It was my fault. It’s not you, it’s me.’ This repairs the connection and builds resilience.
4. Be Authentic, Use ‘I Statements’
For close connections, be authentic with your children by describing your own feelings and wants (e.g., ‘I’m cold, I’m bored, so we’re leaving in five minutes’) rather than defining or blaming them (‘You are not old enough’). This teaches emotional intelligence and fosters trust.
5. Listen to Underlying Feelings
Instead of arguing with the content of a child’s complaint (e.g., ‘We never go out’), listen for the underlying feeling and respond to that (e.g., ‘You sound bored and fed up’). Children often want to be seen and heard, not fixed.
6. Allow Children to Impact You
Allow your children to influence and impact upon you, just as you expect to influence them. This models mutual respect and makes them more receptive to your guidance.
7. Invest Time Positively Early
Invest time in building positive relationships with your children early on, for example, by playing with them when they seek it. This proactive investment will save more time and effort in addressing negative behaviors later.
8. Avoid ‘Cry It Out’ Sleep Training
Do not leave children alone to cry it out or sleep train them, as this can create unmet needs and lead to toxic stress, with cortisol levels remaining high even after crying stops. Instead, use ‘sleep nudging’ to gently encourage separation at their pace within their comfort zone.
9. Prioritize Child’s Attention
When with your child, keep your phone in your pocket and prioritize their bids for attention over checking emails or social media. This prevents the child from feeling less important than the phone and seeking connection through screens.
10. Incorporate Daily Downtime
Integrate daily downtime into your routine, free from constant stimulation like phones or work. This period of reflection is crucial for processing emotions, understanding triggers, and fostering creativity in both adults and children.
11. Allow Children to Struggle
Resist the urge to immediately fix problems for children (e.g., shoelaces, finding the nipple). Allow them to struggle a bit and solve their own problems, as this fosters competence and resilience.
12. Set Proactive Boundaries
Establish clear boundaries with children before you reach your own limits (e.g., planning an earlier bedtime to ensure your own relaxation time). Communicate these boundaries honestly using ‘I statements’ about your needs.
13. Collaborate on Solutions
When problems arise (e.g., a messy room), initiate an open dialogue with your child, framing it as ‘I have a problem’ and inviting them to brainstorm solutions together. This fosters collaboration rather than just issuing commands.
14. Behavior as Communication
View all behavior, especially ‘inconvenient’ behavior, as a form of communication from your child. Seek to understand the underlying meaning and verbalize it for them, which can lead to more constructive expression.
15. Avoid ‘Good’ or ‘Bad’ Labels
Refrain from labeling yourself or your children’s behavior as ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ These terms are unhelpful and can lead to defensiveness or a focus on external validation rather than understanding underlying needs.
16. Do Not Lie or Blame Falsely
Avoid lying to children or falsely blaming them, as this interferes with their instincts and can dull their intelligence. Maintain authenticity to foster a strong connection.
17. Foster Real-World Connection
Cultivate satisfactory experiences of contact and connection through playing with other people and talking, so children don’t develop an urgent, addictive need for screens. Screens replace valuable activities like drawing, reading, and daydreaming.
18. Allow Babies Natural Movement
Avoid excessively propping up babies in chairs or seats; instead, allow them ample time on the floor to naturally experiment with pushing themselves up and over, which is crucial for physical development like crawling.
19. Release Self-Blame for Mistakes
Avoid blaming yourself or feeling guilty for past parenting mistakes, especially those influenced by cultural pressures. Self-punishment is unhelpful; instead, focus on understanding and making positive changes moving forward.
20. Seek Your Own Support
Recognize that parents also need to be seen, understood, helped, loved, and contained. Seeking this support for yourself enables you to better provide the same for your children.
8 Key Quotes
What gets in the way really is we get in the way of ourselves more than external things like work and busyness and being pulled in directions at once.
Philippa Perry
Children don't often want to be fixed. They just want to be seen and heard.
Philippa Perry
Facts don't change people's minds, do they? Facts don't need... Well, I think we've learned that the hard way. Facts don't lead to action.
Rangan Chatterjee
If we interfere with their instincts, we will dull their intelligence.
Philippa Perry
I am not ready to let you on the bus yet. Even though you're probably competent, you're going to have to wait for me to catch up with how mature you are.
Philippa Perry
The thing is with screens, it's not that they're particularly dangerous, even of themselves, if, especially if the internet's turned off and there's just games on there. It's what you're not doing when you're on there.
Philippa Perry
Being a parent is being in a relationship with a child. You don't often say I'm good or I'm bad in our other relationships. We are what we are.
Philippa Perry
All behavior is communication.
Philippa Perry
5 Protocols
Responding to a Child's Complaint (e.g., 'We never go out')
Philippa Perry- Hear where the child is at and respond to their feeling, not the content of their statement.
- Acknowledge their emotion (e.g., 'You sound bored and fed up').
- Ask what they would like to do (e.g., 'What would you like to do?').
- Connect with their desire (e.g., 'Oh yeah, that was fun' if they mention a past activity).
- Provide the moment of connection the child was seeking, rather than arguing with facts.
Repairing a Rupture (After a Parental Mistake)
Philippa Perry- Notice when you have misunderstood, misattuned, or shouted at your child when it wasn't their fault.
- When you realize your mistake, tell your child, 'I shouldn't have done that. It was my fault. It's not you. It's me.'
- Apologize to your child for your behavior.
Setting Boundaries with 'I Statements'
Philippa Perry- Identify your own feelings or limits (e.g., 'I am not ready to...', 'I am tired and I can't start relaxing until...').
- Communicate your boundary using an 'I statement' that defines your feelings or needs, not the child's behavior or character.
- Acknowledge your own vulnerability or limitations (e.g., 'You're going to have to wait for me to catch up with how mature you are').
- Be sympathetic to the child's potential disagreement but maintain the boundary.
Addressing a Child's Inconvenient Behavior (e.g., Untidy Room)
Philippa Perry- Frame the issue as 'I have a problem with...' rather than blaming the child.
- Describe the problem objectively (e.g., 'I have a problem with your floor being more of a floor drobe than a floor').
- Invite the child to brainstorm solutions together ('So what are we going to do about that?').
- Collaborate with the child to find a solution, investing time positively in the process.
Sorting Yourself Out (Understanding Parental Triggers)
Philippa Perry- Practice noticing your moods, especially when you feel a 'charged emotion' (e.g., self-righteousness, intense irritation).
- Stop and do not immediately assume the emotion is solely related to the current scenario.
- Look at the pattern of that charged emotion and trace it back to its origins in your past.
- Identify when you first felt that emotion or a similar one, often linking it to childhood experiences.
- Use this awareness to understand why you react in certain ways and to change your present responses.