Why Being Popular Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up To Be with Professor Mitch Prinstein #34
Professor Mitch Prinstein, a leading psychologist, discusses the two types of popularity: status and likability. He explains how likability leads to positive long-term outcomes, while status-based popularity can be detrimental, especially with the rise of social media, and offers insights on cultivating the right kind of popularity.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Introduction to Professor Mitch Prinstein and The Popularity Illusion
Distinguishing Likability from Status-Based Popularity
Long-Term Impacts of Childhood Likability on Adult Life
The Role of Aggression and Anticipated Rejection in Likability
The 'Rejection-Colored Glasses' Phenomenon
Evolutionary Basis of Social Connection and Rejection
Biological and Brain Responses to Social Rejection
Societal Shift Towards Valuing Status Popularity
The Design and Impact of Social Media on Popularity
Youth's Adaptation to Social Media: 'Finsta' Accounts
Parenting Tips for Navigating Social Media and Popularity
The Loneliness and Distrust Associated with High Status
Human Susceptibility to Perceived Popularity
Final Advice for Cultivating Likability
5 Key Concepts
Likability
Likability is a type of popularity based on how much people feel happy, included, and valued by an individual. It involves helping to form a group and making others feel like important members, leading to positive long-term outcomes in life.
Status Popularity
Status popularity is a type of popularity focused on visibility, being well-known, famous, or influential, often achieved by making others feel lower to elevate oneself. This form of popularity is usually gained through demeaning others, aggression, dominance, or bullying, and research shows it leads to negative long-term outcomes.
Rejection-Colored Glasses
This concept describes how individuals with past experiences of social rejection tend to focus on negative social cues (e.g., frowns, averted eye contact) in new interactions. This selective attention can perpetuate a cycle where they perceive rejection even when it might not be present, affecting their behavior and relationships.
Pro-inflammation Changes (due to rejection)
Within 40 minutes of experiencing social rejection, the body undergoes changes in DNA expression that lead to increased inflammation and decreased viral immunity. This was an adaptive response 60,000 years ago to prepare for physical injury if kicked out of a group, but in modern society, it contributes to chronic health problems.
Public Displays of Friendship/Digital Status Seeking
These are social media behaviors where individuals post content primarily to showcase their close friendships or romantic relationships, or to gain a high number of likes and followers. Research indicates that excessive engagement in these behaviors often leads to being disliked by others and experiencing loneliness in offline life.
8 Questions Answered
Popularity, or status, is about being visible, well-known, or influential, often achieved by making others feel inferior. Likability, however, is about making others feel happy, included, and valued, fostering genuine connections within a group.
Likable children tend to achieve better grades, are happier, engage in more community service, and have more positive relationships. As adults, they are more likely to be hired and promoted, earn more money, complete more education, have happier marriages, experience fewer physical illnesses, and live longer lives.
While some aspects of likability can be influenced by innate traits, it can absolutely be changed and adapted. How we interact within a group, especially by reducing aggressive behaviors and anticipating rejection, can reverse negative cycles and improve likability.
Within 40 minutes of social rejection, there are changes in DNA expression in the blood, leading to increased pro-inflammation responses and decreased viral immunity. Additionally, the same part of the brain that activates during physical pain is activated, prompting a behavioral change to regain social connection.
Humans are biologically programmed to care about what others think due to evolutionary survival instincts. 60,000 years ago, being part of a group ensured protection, food, and resources, making the drive to avoid rejection and gain status an adaptive trait.
Social media has intensified the pursuit of status popularity by providing platforms for instant visibility and rewards (likes, retweets, followers). It has created an obsession with external validation, often at the expense of genuine social connections and well-being, as it was designed to flood dopamine receptors.
'Finsta' (fake Instagram) accounts are secondary social media profiles where young people use a fake name and only share with their closest friends. Ironically, these accounts are where they post real pictures and feelings, discussing true emotional vulnerability, as a rebellion against the curated, status-seeking nature of their 'real' (public) Instagram accounts.
Social media can foster genuine connections by using private messaging features for direct conversations, writing thoughtful comments instead of just 'liking' posts, and making an effort to engage individually with people (e.g., responding personally to birthday wishes) rather than just observing numbers.
9 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Likability Over Status
Strive to be likable by making others feel happy, included, and valued, rather than pursuing status-based popularity (fame, visibility, influence) which research links to negative long-term outcomes like addiction, relationship difficulties, anxiety, and depression. Likability is remarkably constant from childhood and correlates with better grades, happier relationships, fewer illnesses, and longer lives.
2. Change Social Interaction Pattern
Actively change your behavior in social interactions to become more likable. When entering a room, focus on positive cues and people who are smiling, and engage in welcoming behaviors yourself (smiling, open posture, positive tone) to initiate a new pattern that helps others see you as happy, inclusive, and valuing.
3. Prioritize Offline Human Connection
Ensure offline experiences are not merely for online content; put phones down during face-to-face interactions to foster real conversations and connections. This helps develop crucial social skills, as excessive online time can lead to deficiencies in face-to-face or voice-to-voice social skills needed for adult success.
4. Reflect Social Media Posting Intent
Before posting on social media, consider your motivation: are you seeking likes and status, or genuinely expressing something important and trying to connect with others? Keep status-driven posting in moderation to avoid addiction and foster authentic relationships.
5. Use Social Media for Connections
Leverage social media features like private messaging for genuine conversations and write comments rather than just clicking ’like’ when responding to vulnerable posts. A personal comment, even a quick sentence, provides more meaningful support and connection than an anonymous ’like’ count.
6. Respond Personally to Online Greetings
When receiving multiple online greetings (e.g., birthday wishes), take the extra effort to respond individually to each person with a quick, personal message. This can reignite true relationships and foster deeper connections, despite social media platforms often making it harder to see individual well-wishers.
7. Train Kids Critical Social Media Use
Parents should actively discuss with their children how to critically interpret social media content. Help them understand if dangerous or inappropriate posts are genuine beliefs or just attempts to seem ‘cool’ for likes, and question if ’liking’ such posts implies approval or social pressure.
8. Dedicate Daily Tech-Free Time
Implement dedicated tech-free time every day to improve overall well-being. This helps moderate the use of technology, which can otherwise be damaging to mental health and lead to constant pressure.
9. Consider Daily Nutritional Supplement
If meeting nutritional needs through food is challenging due to a busy lifestyle, consider taking a whole-food greens powder each morning as an ‘insurance policy.’ This can provide essential vitamins, minerals, prebiotics, digestive enzymes, and adaptogens, with many users reporting improved energy.
6 Key Quotes
While likability leads to positive outcomes decades later, the people who are the coolest, most popular folks in high school, research shows that when they grow up, they're more likely to suffer from addictions, they have difficulties in their professional and personal relationships, and they're at much higher risk for anxiety, depression, and loneliness.
Mitch Prinstein
How likable we are at three will be the same likability that we have when we're 13 and 33 and 103.
Mitch Prinstein
We are programmed to care about something deeply that we know now in today's society, if we pursue it, will actually harm us.
Mitch Prinstein
Our offline experiences are not merely fodder for their online profiles.
Mitch Prinstein
The person that's most important to communicate that to is your partner, not to other people to like how much you love your partner, you know?
Mitch Prinstein
Those who have it just want to be likable and an ordinary person that has real relationships.
Mitch Prinstein
2 Protocols
Mindful Social Media Use
Mitch Prinstein- Before posting, reflect on your motivation: Is it for likes/dopamine or genuine expression and connection?
- Train children to critically analyze social media content, questioning if dangerous or inappropriate posts reflect true beliefs or just status-seeking.
- Remind children that offline experiences are not merely for online content; encourage putting phones down during face-to-face interactions to develop essential social skills.
- Utilize private messaging or direct message features to make true, intimate connections with others.
- Write specific comments on posts, especially vulnerable ones, rather than just clicking the 'like' button, as a personal comment offers more meaningful support.
- Make a conscious effort to reclaim social media for genuine connections, such as individually responding to birthday wishes or comments to foster real conversations.
Cultivating Likability
Mitch Prinstein- Acknowledge that not being the 'most popular kid' in school is a common experience and that likability is far more important than status popularity in the long run.
- When entering a room or new social situation, consciously shift focus from past negative experiences to positive cues, such as people smiling and welcoming you.
- Actively engage in welcoming behaviors yourself, including smiling, maintaining positive posture, and speaking in a way that conveys happiness and inclusion.
- Recognize that every social interaction offers an opportunity to become more likable and initiate a positive chain process that can impact happiness and success throughout life.